Is it better to know or not know?
To know or not to know… that is the question.
Lately I’ve been thinking that perhaps ignorance truly is bliss.
All I’ve ever wanted was to know: What is this? Why are we here? What is going on?
But now I wonder if not knowing is what makes it all the fun.
I took an improv class where a group of us learned a few basic introductory improv skills. It was hilarious and so much fun. That same week I ended up watching an Improv show– the first set being performed by skilled improvisers, the second set by less so. The second group used techniques I learned and was exposed to earlier in the week. I wasn’t as surprised by the second show because I knew what they were doing.
I imagine that others who had never been exposed to the behind the scenes were simply entertained and less aware of the techniques. So it dawned on me… is it better to not know?
Is it better to just be in blissful awe of this life experience vs knowing what’s actually behind it?
I don’t know.
I am beginning to reduce my dire need to know.
All I ever wanted was to know.
Now…I don’t know that I want to know.
Plus I’m deluding myself anyway thinking I could truly know…or could I?
I don’t know…
I am a ball of confusion.
There is so much I want to tell you it would take me 7,000 years and a day to put it all into words.
So I’ll kind of vomit it all here and see where that takes us. In the wise words of Post Malone, “Ooh, I fall apart. Down to my core” because literally that is how it has felt. Like the deepest part of my soul I didn’t even know I had has been touched in such a profound way I didn’t know was possible. But I only got a taste of it. A taste of pure love.
Speaking of falling apart — this is exactly what I am feeling.
Things have to fall apart in order for the new to come into place. It’s like a demolition.
If you’re falling apart, don’t worry. This is all going to make you grow.
Growing pains. It’s a thing.
Ugh this is one of those where I have a bajillion things to say but can’t really get it out.
My heart is closed.
It is but it isn’t.
It’s just re-directed.
I think I’m becoming a woman. LOL.
I’ve always felt like a girl. And I don’t know how to not be this tiny little girl I’ve always been.
Who the heck do I think I am becoming this woman who thinks she knows something? Lol…
Being human is funny.
I literally feel everything, it’s so much it’s annoying. Do I need a mood stabilizer? Perhaps.
I am this ball of sensations. From bliss, to awe, to sadness, grief, anger, fear, excitement, desire, back to sadness, annoyance, frustrations, all else in between.
Ok. I don’t want to trouble you with my woes and melancholies.
I’m not getting into the specifics.
Here’s what I am learning:
To hold nuance. To accept what is while also taking action on what I can. To regulate my nervous system. To remain grounded. To make space for pleasure and fun not just work and “trying to figure it out”. To not seek the outside to make me feel okay on the inside. To not let the outside make me not okay on the inside. To be okay on the inside as a state of being not a result of what I have or do.
Of course all I want to do is melt into the ether and fall in love with you and forget space and time. Of course all I want to do is be everything and nothing at all. Which makes no sense. I realize nothing actually makes sense.
I went to Improv yesterday. It was fun. And suddenly it dawned on me that life is just ABSURD. It makes no sense. That perhaps there is no embedded purpose, it just IS for no other reason other than it just is. Life IS. That’s it. Why? Because it IS.
ABSURD!!!!
My mind is blown. IT IS BLOWN, Felicia! BLOWN!
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Lately I have also been taking deeeeeeeep breaths. I am trying to embody more. Savor more. Slow down more. Regulate more.
The fact that there are challenges IS what makes this experience SO interesting. Sometimes I fear getting everything I want because then it’s over. What’s there to do? Idk….
Gosh I have so many reflections to share… but we’ll keep it here for now.
Thanks for being here.
If you made it all the way down to these words.
You’re the real MVP.
You give me meaning beyond what I would have alone.
Oh dear woman,
dear sister,
dear mother.
I have a newfound love for you,
one words cannot describe.
A reverence so deep for your divine spirit,
your divine body, your sacred womb.
I bow to you with the utmost respect.
I honor you for how much you hold.
Women, may we be each other’s allies.
Oh, beloved sisters,
may we not compete.
May we learn and teach among one another.
May we become safe havens for each other.
May we build trust—not strife, not envy, not hate, not jealousy.
We all lose when we disconnect.
We make it harder on ourselves when we act as if there isn’t enough.
There is more than enough.
YOU are more than enough.
What is YOURS will NEVER miss you.
And in the end, we lose it all—
so perhaps the greater lesson is non-attachment to begin with.
Woman, I see your suffering, and I stand with you.
Your bleeding womb. Your pain. Your depth.
Your immense strength.
You are my sister.
You are my mother.
You are my family.
You are my ally.
You are my friend.
My hand extends to you.
You deserve to be loved, seen, honored, and respected.
You are made in the image of God, too.
“So God created mankind in His own image,
in the image of God He created them;
male and female He created them.”
I see GOD in you, oh woman.
I see GOD in you.
Lately I’ve been swimming in duality pretty hard core.
Holding the full weight of the paradox in my nervous system.
Life and death.
Everything and nothing.
Loving you and hating you.
Holding on and letting go.
I must be able to do both.
I am sitting with complexity. With nuance. Learning to be soft and strong. Open and discerning. Hopeful and wise.
I’ve been naive and delusional. There’s a part of me that still is because deep down I still believe in the magical. In the miracle. In the mystical.
There is this new part that is coming through now. A sage. A mothering spirit. A fierce protector. A guard. A part who is more selective. A part who is more refined. A part who knows how to say “no.” A part who can speak up. A part who is grounded. A part who is solid.
Yet in all of that, still holding this full surrendered letting go. Knowing all too well nothing is guaranteed – not even the next moment. I used to believe my dreams would certainly come to pass. Now, I still believe they will but with the awareness they are not guarantees. It’s all subject to change.
I sit with trust and surrender. I sit with hope and detachment. I sit with anger and understanding. With sadness and awe. With hate and with love. I sit with all of it. It’s like I’ve swallowed the universe whole and it’s ripping through my throat as it goes down past my chest taking bits of me and it sits in my tummy. It’s a painful digest. It’s a painful release. And a beautiful, glorious transformation.
I am speechless. Humbled. Fallen to my knees in forced surrender.
I wish I could encapsulate the depth of my sorrow in words — perhaps this is what black holes are made of. Sorrow. Pain. Suffering. Grief. Deep devastating grief.
But even here. Even in this moment where my breath is taken, where I have lost my innocent hope –where I am faced with impermanence– where the pieces are falling away and turning to dust. Even here, I am choosing to love. I am choosing grace. Compassion. Gentleness. And to trust.
I can be so naive at times it borderlines stupid.
It comes from this very innocent place.
I assume people are good. I can easily get lost in fantasy. I am a dreamer. I get excited easy.
But, then, enters reality. It is harsh, unforgiving — cold. Reality is riddled with facts; how things actually are vs how I imagine them beautifully, magically, wonderfully in my head.
The other day I was at yoga and I had this sad feeling come over me. It was the feeling of loss of innocence. I’ve carried so much hope in my heart for so long and I’m afraid life is hardening me. After the news of another dear friend passing away, I am again smacked in the face by ruthless realities. That same evening I had a dream about a puppy falling on rocks and I couldn’t save it, so it died. The dream felt like a reminder of this loss of innocence I’ve been feeling. Like the child-like wonder that’s lived in me for so long is slowly being chipped away by the blows of life. A tiny little part of me keeps on thinking, “even so, I must continue to believe. I mustn’t lose hope. I must not forget the magic.”
Sigh.
I had a woman pray for me at church this morning. In her prayer she mentioned how while in this in between phase, while we are still in our human form, waiting for the return of Christ who will wipe away the darkness and return us to the light, it can feel really difficult. I do hope there is light at the end of all of this. I suppose that’s why they call it faith, right?
Mmm. Perfect peace, unity and harmony with the divine.
I am afraid to hope though. Because I’ve been hoping but disappointments keep happening. Maybe it’s because we are here in this “3D”, human world? I don’t know. I’ll keep trusting, even in my doubt. This little part within, however tainted, is still going strong.
I was watching a Netflix show about Bryan Johnson, the millionaire trying not to die. Have you heard of him? I am very intrigued by his work. I am so happy SOMEONE is having this conversation.
If we were able to beat death — would you want to? What does it actually even mean to die anyway? When a person dies does their consciousness die too or does it live in the ether somewhere like a radio wave or energetic force?
So many questions…
I was petting Luna the dog and felt so inspired to write this after.
I was observing just how perfect all her hairs are. I noticed my hand petting her and the sensory experience of “feeling”. I am marveled at the incredible design work of existence.
There is no way you can convince me there isn’t something incredibly special happening right before our eyes. I am speechless in the face of it all. How intelligently designed our reality is. I am marveled. Taken aback and breathless.
When I stop to contemplate it all I cannot help but feel this ecstatic wonder. Deep excitement! Why would we take this experience for granted? How could we walk around numbed and dull? Are we drugged and hypnotized into thinking any of this is just “normal”? GAHHHHH, I want to shout it from the rooftops and mountains – “WE EXIST!!! AND IT’S EPIC!!!”
It excites me so much I want to sing. I want to turn my life into a musical. I want to dance, prance, skip, hop, and twirl into the ethers like a fairy.
How are we not LOSING it with blissful awe at the magic that is before us?
I want to be lost in the magic every day. I want to ADORE each moment, even the ones I rather not experience.
Let’s hold hands and co-create something beautiful. Something we are excited to wake up to and play in.
It’s up to us. We are the ones co-creating the systems, the laws, the roads, the cars, the twinkies.
It’s us.
It’s up to us.
The dream feels so much better than the reality.
And as a dreamer, I just want to live in the fantasy.
I want to live in the Ether.
I want to be in the lightwave.
This morning I was walking the neighborhood towards the beach,
The temperature felt perfect.
The air felt sweet and filled deeply in my lungs.
I felt a juicy sense of peace.
“This.” I thought. This is how we are meant to be feeling.
Not rushing around trying to make ends meet.
Not feeling like we are worried about resources,
afraid we won’t have money.
We are meant to be LIVING.
We are meant to be provided for because the Earth already provides all we need.
The Earth grows our food freely.
The Earth grows the resources we need for our homes.
The Earth gave us the animals,
it gave us EACH OTHER.
We should be caring for each other.
Working as a way to contribute to our well-being and good.
WTF is all this extra non-sense?
I’m not having it.
We can be so dulled down by the way society has beaten us into a reality we may not be that excited to wake up to.
We are doing it.
We should live with deep sighs of relief. With peace in our hearts. With health pulsating through our bodies. Yet we are tense, afraid, rushing, stressed. WTF is that about?
We should have time for each other. Time for our babies. Time for simply living. Our energy is so poorly allocated. We are working to raise money to pay rent which is a never ending cycle when the Earth has already provided the materials but capitalism won’t stop running you down. It infuriates me.
I know something is off here. And I am going to do something about it. Even if it’s just write you this message. “Alone we can do so little, together we can do so much.”
There’s probably 7,000 different topics I could write about tonight. I’ll start with talking about the stars. They looked especially beautiful tonight. The air felt crisp. The moon is getting chubbier.
I just want to melt into the ether in full surrender of this grand mystery. Just TAKE ME AWAY in a cosmic swoop into eternal bliss.
For a moment I wondered if you could see the moon too. And that maybe we, for a moment, could still be connected again.
There are some moments where I am so filled with ecstasy it’s like I’m an ocean — no, a galaxy!
And then there are moments when getting out of bed feels like an impossible task. I don’t want to be bothered with existence. I don’t want to be bothered being human.
Some of the things we do as humans makes me want to roll my eyes so far back that I accidentally swallow them. Some of the things we do are so bad that I don’t even wanna get caught up identifying as human. I am ashamed of us, of myself. Ashamed of my humanity. And also in love with it at the same time.
Two opposing truths can exist simultaneously.
Maybe this will turn out to be a pointless post. I am tired. Does anyone else feel tired?
I sometimes hate that I come here to share my woes. The world doesn’t need any more complainers. But this is my space where you can see all the other sides of me. Not the polished, not the pretty. Not the one who has figured it out.
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