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Reflect Out Loud

"The unexamined life is not worth living." – Socrates

Memory

I wish I could delete memories.

I’d start with March 16th 2019. That way I could still look at you the same as I did before it happened.

 

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Outside Of You

I think the mistake that I make is that I begin to want to find salvation in you. Rescue in you. Peace in you. Security in you. Safety in you. 

I think I’m beginning to finally understand.

Though it’s taken some time.

It is something to understand conceptually, it’s another to understand it in embodiment.  

It’s a whole other to understand it both conceptually and in embodiment. 

I don’t want to feel this way anymore – this way where it feels like I’m constricting. 
Or better said, I don’t want to deny this human experience (with all its ups and downs), but I do want to get better at catching myself falling and consciously transforming my energy.

Be Present With Uneasiness

I notice how uneasy I feel.

How I’m trying to scramble for validation.

“Make me feel okay. Give me some sign that I am okay.”

I observe it.

I observe every time I’m scared. Every time I’m threatened. I observe the feelings of jealousy come up. I observe my insecurities flare up.

Then I want to zoom to the future. I want to rush to another moment where it feels okay.

So I actively breathe. I actively work to accept myself. Love myself. Honor myself.

I am present. I am sitting there with my anxiety. With my worry. With my fear. With my insecurity. With my awkwardness.

This is my experience.

A lot of my issues stem from attachment.

Where do I stand? For how long can I hold on?

Time is literally ripping everything from me. I am just passing by. And there are things, places, people, experiences, moments I would like to hold on to. I would like to keep. I would like to return to.

It’s a pity when you think you found something but it turns out it was a sham.

So you’re back to the drawing board.

I am breathing. I am accepting this moment. I am choosing to actively not resist. I am choosing to be okay with what is.

Sometimes it rains. Sometimes it storms.
Sometimes it shines. Sometimes it snows.
Sometimes it’s cloudy. Sometimes it’s blazing hot.

It comes and it goes.
It’s here and then it’s gone.

I’m breathing. I’m breathing.

I’m holding my heart.

I’m crying. I’m crying.

I’m holding my heart.

I’m scared. I’m scared.

I am holding my heart.

I’m breathing. And it’s okay.

Have Both

You brought back the color I have hidden in boxes, suit cases and long forgotten storage bins.

I’m feeling hopeful again.

I know now I can find balance.

That it doesn’t have to be one or the other.

I don’t have to make a choice.

I don’t have to deny this free spirit, wild, earth, life loving hippie in me in order to be respected and wildly successful in the world.

Cloud 9

I am so in love with my life right now it’s overwhelming. This is not common for me. I don’t even know what to do with it.

The level of creativity that is pulsating through my body is to the level where it’s giving me anxiety. This anxiety in part is felt like excitement. Heart racing. Ideas flowing through my mind like a river.

There was a moment I jumped up and down on my bed in expression of excitement.

I am having PINCH ME moments.

So many beautiful visions.

But there is also a lot of anxiety. A lot of fear.

There was a moment I literally had to hold my chest and breathe myself back into calm.

In the next few days I will be working on balancing all this energy out. I need to learn to balance myself and have clear focus. I’m practicing.

It’s extremely scary when you start to see manifestation occur before your eyes.

There’s also a lot of shit I need to detox. Cleanse. Release. Breathe out.

I’m impatient as fuck.

And there’s still so much work to be done!

 

*BREATHE IN*

*BREATHE OUT*

This breathing thing is REAL. It helps with anxiety FO REAL.

Happy

I usually don’t write when I’m happy, (usually).

But the amount of joy I’m feeling right now is too big not to share.

I am so happy it scares me.

It scares me because there’s a doubt that creeps up and says “This is all too good to be true. This isn’t real life. This can’t possibly be real. I can’t possibly be truly happy. Any moment now some disaster is going to come. Something bad is going to happen. I’ll get sick. Or I’ll lose everything. He’ll leave. I’ll be miserable again. Always searching. Always looking but never arriving.”

I don’t want to believe those thoughts. But I also want to be a REALIST. Sickness DOES happen. People do LEAVE/DIE. Things do BREAK/END/CHANGE. Everything is always fucking changing and you can’t hold on to forever. That’s a fucking fact.

No sooner does the most beautiful sunset hypnotize your eyes as you hug the person you love underneath “the electric sky” surrounded by your favorite humans and your favorite music in an instant of perfection are you then back at your fucking desk at work crunching numbers and eventually unraveling to your death.

Does that sound gloomy? I don’t care. It’s fact. And whether we like it or not we gotta face it.

So…

Given the fact that shit’s constantly changing I am trying to prepare myself emotionally and mentally to deal with it so that when shit does hit the fan I’m ready with that pancho, umbrella and quarantine bubble.

 

What does that mean?

It means I’m trying to figure out a way to live life in such a way that I can ENJOY, EMBRACE, SAVOR, LOVE, EXPERIENCE every moment fully but also without the anxiety, fear, and worry that comes from my attachment to form.

I also want to believe that happiness is truly possible for me and that I CAN create a life I love and that I CAN love myself and have a beautiful, smooth, safe LIFE ride despite the bullshit, pain, and challenges that come my way.

With all that being said.

I am happy right now. And I want to see this dream I have in my head come true. And I want to be at peace.

Peace with myself. With you. The universe. and the world.

“To infinity and beyond.”

 

Mad extreme. I know.

Magnetism

How relieving it feels to be yourself, unedited.  With your scars, fears and weird exposed but instead of running they pull closer.

You are held tightly by a long embrace in a room where silence needs no filling for their warmth completes volumes of words that need not be uttered.

Suddenly you’re reminded of what it should have always been like. How it’s taken a journey to re-discover how to be loved. How to receive love. How the times you’ve felt like something wasn’t quite right was simply because you were accepting less than you deserved.

Then arises this question of attachment. Forming secure and healthy bonds.

And magnetism.

There is something to be said about the fact that the massive universe had to evolve and unfold in this very particular way bringing us together in such a peculiar way.

I’m curious about you.

Coming Together

Little by little things are coming together.

Although there are parts that are still taking their sweet ass time to fall into place.

So I learn patience.

I learn not to give up just because things get hard. I learn that there is reward in baby steps. I learn to keep curious about what comes next.

I’m trying to work out the master plan right now.

Which has been kind of annoying because for the longest time I feel like I’m constantly on the go, go, go – do, do, do. And it’s like when can I just sit here, be a potato, and do nothing??

I’m a lot like my mom, though. Can’t sit still for very long. I gotta be on the move. Getting shit done or else I feel like I’m wasting time. I’m addicted to productivity.

I like being this way. I just need to chill out a tad. Let go of all this pressure to be, do, get, have all the time.

Which brings me to a thought I had earlier…

So I bought a new mattress and bed frame for my new apartment. I placed the mattress in the corner, adorned it in bedsheets and pillows for the evening and set aside the frame for me to build the next day.  Then it dawned on me, maybe I don’t even need the bed frame at all.

I thought to myself, “Why can’t I just keep the mattress on the floor as is? It actually doesn’t look too bad and I’d save money on the bed frame.”

Then a responding thought surfaced. “Wouldn’t it be embarrassing if I had someone over my house and they saw that I only slept on a mattress? I should probably just keep the bed frame.”

Thoughts like these piss me off when I become aware of them.

Because in me there is this belief that I need MORE (because the mattresss alone isn’t good enough) in order to feel like I’m doing things “right.” So that people could see that I have it “together.” And that my bed is “proper” and that everything is in order so please approve of me, love me, and maybe even envy me.

 

WHAT THE FUCK.

 

These are my thoughts, guys.

These are the types of thoughts that play through my head.

May it be displayed for all to see.

But may it also be known that I am attempting to transcend the bullshit. So I can come to a place where I really and truly do things for ME without feeling like I need to do them in order to keep up with society and what’s expected of me.

May I find TRUE happiness. May I learn to be true to myself without shame.

May I be able to be fully human and embrace all of me – farts, pimples, weird pinky toe nail, and mattress without frame…

 

(Though I’m keeping the frame… lol… for now).

 

Cage

There are times where it feels like the world is this big cage that I’m stuck in.

A really fancy, elaborate prison.

And I hate to frame it in this negative, gloomy, pessimistic way, but I want you to know how I feel.

I stood with my head against my wall for a good two minutes contemplating how I left the jail walls of my job to come home to the jail walls of my apartment to go back and repeat it all again tomorrow. And the next day. And the day after that.

And don’t get me wrong I don’t ALWAYS feel this way. But right now I really do. So I came here to tell you.

And I guess there’s a part of me that feels the need to justify the fact that I’m not some purely dark soul walking around with this grey filter.

And then I feel bad for justifying myself because it shows that I can’t just say what I feel without fear of your judgement.

As if I couldn’t be human.

As if I couldn’t tell you that I struggle too.

And then I’m over it.

My feelings come and go like a wave.

I get low. I get discouraged.

And then it passes.

And then it comes back.

I guess I’m the fucking weather.

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