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Lost

I am lost,
and find myself looking around the living room like a bewildered John Travolta in the movie Pulp Fiction.

I find myself disillusioned. I’ve asked too many questions and sought too many answers and now I know too much.

They are right, ignorance is bliss.


Humans have created a world where access to basic safety is financialized. Shelter, food, healthcare, rest, community: all monetized. And when you make noise about it people fight for this system. They fight for the rat race.

Where to from here? Still, anything is possible.

I don’t want to be in my ego.
I don’t want to play pretend.
I don’t want to lie and sell you something that isn’t true.
I don’t want to act. I don’t want to smile just to appease you.
I don’t want to gloss over reality. I don’t want to gloss over the truth.

But what about the magic? The fantasy? The childlike wonder that has always been a part of my soul? What happens to that part of me?

Balance.
Balance.
Balance.

Both the miracles and the mundane can co-exist.

This world how it is is exhausting.
We have made it about money and power over genuine care and sustainable growth.

I think it is because we are immature. We are still developing. I don’t know what it will take for a greater mass awakening to occur. I don’t know if it will ever happen either. Anything goes. Anything is possible from here.

I still carry hope.
I still carry hope.

As for me, personally, where do I go from here?

I don’t know.
My disillusionment has taken me to a place where it’s hard to trust my innocent impulses. I used to believe that when you jumped a net would appear. That the “Universe will catch me.” That if I just “went for it” that things would magically come together. That I am called to something great if I just trust and go for it, it will be revealed.

But that has not been my experience. I jumped and no net appeared. Instead, I fell deep in a whole with long term bruises I am still in recovery from. I took the step. I followed my heart and intuition. And it led me to a dead end street. It led me to confusion. To bewildered in a living room in Texas state wondering what was it all for?


I recently find myself looking at cost of living in London. Thinking perhaps I will go there and get into fashion.
Alternatively, I found myself fantasizing about living on the road writing my philosophy and ponderings. Capturing videos of the moments that move me and writing my sentiments about them.
Alternatively, I move back to where I’ve been. Focus on making money like the rest of us just to pay rent. Just to eat food. Just to do the same basic thing we are cornered into doing because of the way this world is currently set up for us to exist in.

Alternatively, I move in with my mom. Save more money and work on my visions from there.

Alternatively, I stay in Texas. Find a home here and figure out life from here.

Ugh, even the statement “figure out life” makes me want to puke a little. This feeling of having to figure out life is exhausting.

Alternatively, I make jewelry. Alternatively, I’ll go to portugal. No– to Bali and take a yoga course. Alternatively, I take a yoga course in California instead. No… I will go to Italy. No. Shave my head and become a monk. No. I don’t know.

I am lost.



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Schema

Have you heard of schemas before?

In psychology, a schema is a mental framework. A pattern the mind uses to organize and interpret information based on past experiences.

But let me take you back… way back.

Before I knew words.
Before I knew concepts.

At one point, I was in the womb.

But…
I? What is “I”?
Womb? What is a “womb”?
What is anything before it’s named?

There was no data.
No language.
No concepts.

Until… there was.

A sense.

But what is a sense?

No sense…until there was a sense.
Nothing until something.
Nothing what is “nothing?”
And what is “something”?

This is where schemas begin.

Schemas are the mind’s way of turning infinite, raw experience into something we can recognize, name, and live inside.

We begin to store:
words, concepts, images, memories.

We start noticing patterns.
Making meaning.
Projecting.
Remembering.
Naming.
Communicating.

Little by little, a psyche forms; shaped by sensation, shaped by experience.

There is so much happening beneath the surface of what we call “reality.”

So what is going on?

—

I think… I’m feeling it.

All of it.

Seeing more than I can fully understand.
Sensing more than I can articulate.

It feels like there is an entire universe inside of me.
Vast, intricate, alive.

And yet, when I try to express it,
words fall short.

They always do.

Because no matter how much we try to explain it…
we are still translating the infinite
through the very schemas that were built to contain it.

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Dreaming?

Is this heaven or am I dreaming?

I am wide awake.
I’ve waited my whole life for this.

You are perfect. Not in the way I expected; in the way that I needed.

I wish I could stop time. Savor this moment for an eternity. And eternity again.
Move as slow as the end of time. No rush.
No place to go. Just here. Just now.
Just this moment.
This breath. Your breath. My breath. Ours.



Temperature rise. The gentle sunset slipping through the mesh window;
gold fragments landing softly on your hair, tracing your figure.


Oh, how divine.
Your soul and mine. Again, I wish I could stop time.

I look into your eyes, and stay there. We sit awhile.
And stay.

Unhurried.

A faint hum of voices in the distance.

Here is where I want to be.
Here. Here. Here. Right here.




Wow.

Wow.

Just… WOW.

3 letters to sum you in one expression.

Is this heaven or am I dreaming?

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I wish you were here

I think about you every day.

The moon was full yesterday and I wish you could see it.

I wish you were still here.

I wish I could remind you every day how amazing you are.

Life and the world is not the same without you. The Earth is missing an angel.

The Earth is more empty without you.

My heart aches when I think you are not here. Your body in a casket. How? How could this be, my love?

How could you do this to yourself? How could you just leave?

So stubborn.

So talented.

So wonderful.

Not a day goes by that I haven’t thought of you. I wish I could turn back time. I wish this was a different timeline.

I hope there is a heaven and that you’re there waiting for us to meet.

I hope I will see you again. Laugh with you again. Explore with you again.

Listen to your voice again.

I’ll always love you.

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Wake up

I just want to wake up from this awful dream, see you laying next to me and say “I had this awful dream you were gone and we were at your funeral.” You’d then hug me and say “I am right here and not going anywhere.” The dog will jump on the bed and give us kisses. And we’ll cuddle with no rush or place to be. Your bed comfortable, spacious. Ceilings tall. Lights soft with little rays of sunlight peeking in. It’s peaceful. Sweet. Safe.

I remind you how lucky we are and how happy I feel doing nothing right here with you.

Wake up. Wake up. Wake up.

Please just tell me it’s an awful dream. Please?

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Disbelief

I’m in disbelief…

Disbelief that you are gone. That I will never hear from you again. That this world is now void of your magic. Your brilliance.

Just the other day I caught a whiff of the laundry smell that always reminds me of you.

Every now and again when the night sky is particularly clear, I look at the stars and I’m brought back to 2021 and to the desert with you.

You…

So wise. So talented. So charming. So… words can’t describe.

I feel numb. This truth is too much to bear.

Where are you now sweet soul? Where are you now?

I’m devastated.

I wish I could remind you every day of your light. I wish I could sit with you and solve any problem that felt like too much.

—

Now what? Now what from here?

—

How do we move forward knowing this truth? We are here and then one day, we are not. What’s all this for anyway? Why are we making this life so complicated when we could be loving, living, and loving and living, loving and living instead?

My heart. My heart aches. For you, my friend. For you, oh world. For me. For us. For all of it.

—

Be kind.



—



In loving memory of you.

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Breathe

Sit here awhile.
Crossed legged.
Face me.

Close your eyes.

Let your forehead rest gently against mine, the way it does when there is nowhere else to be.

Your hands settle on my thighs.
Mine find yours. Strong. Warm.

Come to rest. Be still a while.
And breathe. Just breathe.
No place to rush to for this moment.
For this moment, we can simply be.

We’ll sway. Softly. Almost imperceptibly.
And stay another while.

My hands move slowly up your sides…towards your chest…along your arms.
Learning what it’s like to know the shape of you.

Mmm.

Cheeks meet. Meld together. Lips lightly graze past.
Passion rises. It’s 100 degrees.

Breathe. Breathe.
Pause.
Rest.

Be here still.
Hold the love.

Feel yourself whole.


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Self Love

This year has felt like an initiation into genuine self love.

Loving my body deeply for what it does and for the miracle that it truly is.

I am looking at this lady I see reflected back at me in the mirror and I’m thinking “who is this??”

It’s wildly interesting to watch yourself shift like a butterfly. No trace of a caterpillar in sight.

Suddenly I am getting referrals for “mammograms” and “vaginal ultrasounds” like I’m a test subject. Inspecting my body in ways my youngster, party girl self is side eying like, “WTF?”

Yet, all fascinating.

I’m finding love for my womanhood.
For my cycles.
For women across generations and lifespans.

It’s a peculiar little process.

Last night I walked outside and was met with a magnificent starry night. The air, cool, crisp, fresh like clean linen. It carried a whiff of the year 2021. A whiff of you, freedom, and the sense of being carefree. A scent of that naive, childlike spirit I’ve held so dear. A trace of that grandiose feeling that everything and anything is possible! “I could conquer it all, and look cute doing it!” Ahhh… delightful!

But fast forward to now and I’m stacking up on supplements like the stores are going out of business and getting tired by like 2:00 P.M.

“WTF?” (side eye).

—

Anyway, aging is fun. (It’s not, help me… just kidding… not really).

There is something sweet, solid and wonderful about this wisdom and wrinkles I’ve gained. Suddenly, I’m into antiques, researching “NAD,” and gua sha.

There’s also a greater focus on security for me. I’m wanting to buy a house and some land. Cash, no rent or mortgages because don’t even get me started on how mortgages are a scam. I have major gripes with the housing system. (But that’s a topic for another day).

So let’s circle back to the point before I fall asleep on my supplements as I type this…

A message to me:
I’m proud of you. I love you for you, no matter what. Thank you for the privilege to experience life as you. It’s been a wild and wonderful ride. I can’t wait to see what’s next.






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World

I want to find the person who feels like my whole world. Someone who makes me feel complete. As if everything else becomes optional because all I need and want is right here with you.

Anywhere with you feels perfect. Traffic? Perfect. The grocery store? Perfect. Walking down the same old street? Perfect.

Some might say “you have to find that in yourself” and sure, Carol, you’re probably right but after finding that in myself I’d love to find that with another too.

I think life feels better when shared. What is the point of having the whole world yet being alone?

—

Life has been such an interesting journey. This morning I was hiking in Idyllwild and for a moment could see fragments of my journey reflected in my minds eye like a movie. I recalled being a child in Brazil. I recalled arriving in the U.S and pretending to string English words together in the mirror. I flashbacked through my life up until this point, standing accomplished on 1900 elevation gain, resting against a rock next to a tall, chubby pine tree whose fine needles glowed elegantly in the sun. The air: cool, crisp, soft, silent. The view – magnificent. As I marveled at the scene I couldn’t help but feel this immense sense of awe for how far I’ve come. What a ride! What a privilege I’ve been given.

Thank you, life. Thank you.


Mmmm. Divine.


But where to from here?


—

Driving out into nature used to be my most favorite experience. Seeing the mountains would make me lose it. Obsessed. Enamored by God’s creations. I could linger forever. While this time around I still felt this sense of wonder, it was certainly dimmed. As if life is expecting something from me that I can’t get away from. Some unfinished business of sorts. Like a summons I keep ignoring. It’s as if this isn’t a season for wandering.

“You’ll be happier once you’ve answered the call.” That was the sense I received.

What call!?

It’s is as if life is asking me to become a different version of myself. It wants me focused. Productive. It wants me in service. But what service?

I feel painfully, yet wonderfully erratic. Volatile.
One day I have a carefully detailed plan, the next I am executing something completely different. It’s like I can’t be contained. I’m an artist. A lover. A dancer in the wind.

I know I want land and a home.
I also want to leave to Italy.

What really matters in the end anyway?

Lately I have been thinking perhaps: experiences.

A breadth and depth of experiences.
Health.
Freedom.
Awe.
Delight.
Magic.

Ahhhh….

Unleash me. Hold me.

I am hard to contain….


And I think I love that about me.


But anyway, back to this world I mentioned in the beginning.

I want it.
I want to just rest on your perfectly strong, warm, cozy shoulders.
You are home.
You are everything.





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