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Reflect Out Loud

"The unexamined life is not worth living." – Socrates

Waiting

I’m in a waiting period.

Waiting for all the seeds I’ve planted to bloom.

I’ve done my part. I’ve done everything I can do in this moment. The only thing left to do is wait.

I have two choices. I can either sit here anxiously looking up at the heavens while giving the universe the stink eye – like make it happen alreadyyyy!!!

Or… I can relax.

I can appreciate all this FREE time I’m being granted to simply exist. No need to be anywhere. Run anywhere. Get anywhere. It’s simply stay put and relax time.

But then a part of me feels like I’m not getting anywhere. I’m not getting ahead fast enough.

But I also have two choices here.

I can entertain all kinds of repetitive, nagging thoughts that say “you’re not moving fast enough. You should be more ahead. Things need to be happening faster. You’re just wasting time. You’re delayed to your own life. You don’t have the things you want.”

Or…

I can choose different. I can choose to think that this is the exact place I need to be right now. There is no place to rush to. My life is here, now. I can be comfortable in this moment. This is a learning period, not a “doing” period. Even though things are moving at a slower pace doesn’t mean they can’t suddenly accelerate at a different time, like in a race car game when the last car suddenly catches those turbo boost lanes that leverages them towards first place.

race car

What voice am I going to feed?

Probably a little bit of both. Because I’m human and pout and throw tantrums when I don’t get what I want. But then I catch myself. I soothe myself saying, “I know you want to be at step 6, 7 or 8 but right now you’re at step 2 and it’s frustrating. I know it all looks overwhelming. And that’s okay. This is a process. Be okay with the process. Choose to believe that life is working FOR you. It’s not a matter of IF but WHEN it all will manifest. So enjoy the unfolding. One day at a time. No rush. No tantrums. Go have fun!”

I freak out, then everything works out in the end. Maybe a part of me thinks that I need to freak out to get things to move faster. But really, I just need to trust and relax. Because when I look back at my life, I don’t want to have an archive of anxious, sad, stressful memories. I want to see endless footage of me smiling through my life.

 

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*car image credit to APKpure.com

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Learn to Live

Suddenly it clicked.

I’ve been making my life into a project that needs to be “fixed” rather than an experience to live.

I’ve been stuck perpetuating negative thoughts and emotional patterns it’s no wonder it feels like I’m on a treadmill running fast but getting nowhere.

I keep adding wood to the fire. No wonder it keeps burning.

If I’m going to step into the experience of life I truly want then I need to stop repeating the same old habits.

Why do I keep feeling so shitty? Oh, yeah, duh – because I keep thinking there’s something wrong with me and then spend hours on end trying to fix me. It’s like I’m always in the repair shop!

BUT I’M COMING OUT, FOLKS! (Out of the repair shop, not like the closet or anything… not that there’s anything wrong with that… I digress)

 

I must create new habits!

I must get outta my own head. Focus on actually living my life rather than solving my life. I need to involve myself in more activities. Go to a yoga class. Take up pottery. Go for a run. Learn a new skill or language. Play games. Start a coloring book. Take walks with friends. Do anything but sit here for hours on end immersed in self-help, sel-improvement content. WTF!

Don’t get me wrong, improving one’s self is a beautiful thing but not on an obsessive level. (Guilty)

 

I’m also not saying I should just go distract myself in order to avoid my issues, no. I’m saying it’s not good to make every day a “fix myself” project. If I’m always fixing myself when do I actually just live and just be? I often don’t! I’m too busy wondering if the world approves of me!

#aintnobodygottimefordat

I am awakening to the realization that I am no longer making my life into some kind of project. I’m here in life to have fun and enjoy myself, not pick apart every detail and try to make it into some perfect polished package. No mas mis amigos!

It’s time to really have fun on this ride called life and to stop taking things so seriously.

What a breath of fresh air to know that I’m fine and I could just BE!

 

 

Emotions and Self Love Reflections

For a while I’ve been recording videos to myself about the random shit I think about throughout time — ya know, stuff like my feelings and what the heck am I gonna do with my life.

Sigh. Woe is me.

These videos were never meant to be shared. They were for my purposes. To see myself progress through time and to process my internal dialogue OUT LOUD.

BUT now… here is a compilation for your eyes and ears in blurry, perfectly imperfect quality!

 

Support

“I sent you a rowboat and a motorboat and a helicopter, what more did you expect?” -God

help

Have I been too busy in my own head that I’m missing  the obvious support being offered to me?

There is a story about a man who drowned because he was waiting for God to save him. He denied the help of the row boat, helicopter, and motorboat that all showed up in attempt to get him out of his predicament. He couldn’t see that right before him lied the answers to his prayer.

There is currently an opportunity being presented to me but part of me is resistant. A part of me wants to say no. Because part of me wants to move in a different direction. 

Am I saying no to the rowboat? 

I don’t know.

“What if I’m wasting my time?”
“Should I be applying my time into what I really rather do instead?”
“What if saying no is me missing out on an opportunity that can really improve my life?”
“Why am I so hesitant?”

What if…
Should I…
Why this, why that…

Oh, the good ol’ games we play in our minds.

 

 


*image credit to truthbook.com

Adjusting

It’s been over a month since I’ve had any income. Between my cross country move from NYC to Cali, rent, bills, and food expenses my wallet is starting to shrink.

I’ve gone on a handful of interviews, applied to literally over 100 jobs in a variety of fields, but haven’t actually landed anything. So as I leave yet another interview empty handed, with no job offer and without knowing when exactly my next paycheck will be, my spirit withers.

My mind begins to wander in darkness, spiraling through thoughts of “Maybe I’m not as good of a candidate I thought I was. Maybe I’m at the bottom of the barrel. There must be something wrong with me. Maybe I won’t make it out here, and this whole childish fantasy of mine was just a delusion – just a mistake.”
But as I walk through the streets of San Diego being kissed by the sun, hugged by the gentle breeze, and hypnotized by the sight of the calming palm trees, I’m reminded that I made the right choice even though right now I am not currently where I would like to be.
I remind myself that the journey itself is the destination. I remind myself to trust the process.

 

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There is no need to rush.
No need to fear.
No need to let anxiety or worry run the show.

 

I am choosing to remain in flow.
I am also accepting, digesting and processing the fact that worry, anxiety, stress and even depression are a natural response to not getting what I want, when I want, as I want. These are natural responses to being out of my comfort zone. This is okay to feel. But I am also releasing these emotions as they come up because I am actively choosing to have faith despite of the facts.

I am breathing in flow energy and breathing out resistance. I am choosing hope over fear. I am choosing trust over anxiety. I am choosing calm over stress. I am choosing joy over depression.
I am choosing to enjoy the unfolding. I’m not taking life so seriously, and am choosing to have fun as I move through this period of adjustment in my life.
This is not always easy to do.
I’ve sat alone and cried, thinking “I have no strength. I can’t do this.” I’ve had a day where I didn’t want to get up from bed because I didn’t want to go on another interview to try to convince someone of my worth and why they should hire me. I didn’t want to put another fake smile on my face. Didn’t want to get dressed. Didn’t want to socialize with anyone.
So I gave myself permission to go through my emotions. To accept, love and honor myself in this process. To comfort myself and just say, “Hey, girl, what you’re feeling is totally okay. You’re going through a challenge right now. Who wants to smile and dance when they experience rejection on top of rejection? It’s okay to feel like this. You don’t have to be strong all the time. Be human. Be wildly human.”
Pep talks help.
Texting my woes to friends who encourage me help.Then getting up the next day, remembering that, “Oh, I’m actually a badass, go getter, New York City bitch and a beloved daughter of this universe,” gives me the fuel to keep pushing forward. To keep having faith. To trust the process.

So I breathe. Roll up my sleeves and keep moving.

Reflecting… Out Loud

Who has the answers?
Is it you — girl in the corner twirling a charcoal pencil between your fingers, arched over the sketches of portraits in your high waist jeans and blue 1970’s vest draped over a loosely fitted, eggshell button down shirt?

I woke up from a different version of a dream I had during my childhood:
Jesus comes back and I am left behind.

I see an expansive white light cutting through the fabric of space revealing light shaped figures of men in horses. In the moment it was clear what was separate from the light. And I, left behind, on the other side of the light, suddenly struggled with the realization that I was wrong. I chose wrong. As I frantically fought my way through unfamiliar people and objects in attempt to approach the light to plead that “I didn’t know any better,” my awareness beyond the dream state chimed in saying, “This can’t be right. This has to be a dream.”

WTF…

This week I’ve been contemplating “what’s the point?”

Well. That’s actually a common contemplation of mine.

But it’s more often been in the forefront of my mind the question of “What truly is the point of all this and what is the right answer?” If there is no “right” answer, how do I really know that’s true? How much more right is it to say “There is a right answer” vs. “There is no right answer?” when we don’t have ultimate proof of either.

Sigh.

Let’s talk about psychedelic experiences for a moment. 
Are they real? Or are they simply your brain responding to powerful chemicals? Nothing truly mystical or magical here – only your brain having a response to a disruption in its normal neural circuitry which manifests itself in symptoms like disassociation, distorted vision, distorted sense of time,  blended perception of senses, (seeing colors, tasting sounds), visual hallucinations, among others.  
When we have a psychedelic experience are we tapping into some real, alternate realm? Is there REALLY AND TRULY some other dimension where there are beings of forms beyond the earth existing?
Or is it just your brain making these things up in response to a drug and then people come out of it thinking it’s real when it’s just as fake as a Hollywood movie?

What do you make of the works by Alex Grey?

What is true about the nature of reality?
Do the people who promote the law attraction have it right?
Are we really just energy and we can manifest anything we want into our life simply by becoming a vibrational match?
Sometimes these thoughts scare me. Because if this is true, I am fucked. My thoughts can go to some pretty dark places and the last thing I need is to manifest them into reality.

Co-relation does not mean causation.  

Who really knows whats going on here?
Is it the Scientists? The Christians? The Buddhists? The Quantum Physicists?
Can someone please tell me – why? For what am I here? 
Why is there something rather than nothing?

Does this all truly matter in the end? Or is it truly meaningless? 
Which is it?
What even is “the end?” Is there life beyond this?

If I knew, would I be satisfied with the answer? 
How would I know that I know?

How can I truly know something?

I have my basic senses to guide me. But they’re not enough. There is so much that they do not detect. And my intellect is that of a mere, average human. 

Maybe I’ll never know. What if this “I’ll never know” attitude is what stops me from ever digging to find out? 

Why do I even care?

I wish I didn’t.

I wish I was someone who didn’t care.
Someone who could just live their life in peace. Not feeling the need to seek anything. To know anything. 

Someone like the girl in the corner twirling the charcoal pencil between her fingers.

 

 

Don’t Waste Time. Get CLEAR On Your Vision

Don’t be like me.

It took me 2 years, $22,000, and 700 hours of unpaid internship hours to complete a graduate program in Mental Health counseling only to realize – “Oh, just kidding. I actually don’t want to pursue this path.”

I knew within the first few months into the program that I didn’t do enough research and signed up for a program that didn’t quite resonate with me. Yet despite this realization I convinced myself that I should just stick with it anyway, because having a Master’s is better than not.

And sure, my rationale made sense – any more pretty stripes you have on your belt only make you a more appealing candidate to employers — assuming you can even secure employment, that is.  This meme couldn’t be more real right now:

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The path to becoming a Mental Health Counselor is pretty long and actually pretty painful if you’re not 100% sure this is exactly what you want to do. Finishing school is not enough. There are several and I mean SEVERAL hoops you have to jump through, and it’s a never ending process because Psychology is a living and constantly developing field. 

Not to mention the fact that after graduating some employers want to pay you crumbs for your service. I’ve had employers offer me $12.00 an hour for counseling services. $12.00!!!! It’s insanity.

My current issue with this path is that it totally stifles my spirit. The clinical path has a tremendous bureaucratic system that involves so much control over how therapists should operate and how counseling should be done, and it literally suffocates me. When I look at the paperwork and the demands that are being put on me to perform under particular standards as well as regulations, along with the types of populations that clinical counselors generally deal with, I clearly see big RED LIGHTS and SIRENS that tell me to look the other way and RUN! 

And I get it – this system is indeed helpful and is supported by years of research and studies that I respect and believe has its use and purpose. However, it’s just not for me.

And why am I whining and complaining about it to you?

Well, my friend, it’s because I wish I would have stepped on the breaks 2 years ago when I realized this wasn’t my actual calling and invested my time, energy, efforts and CASH on what I TRULY, TRULY want. 

I’ve wasted so much time trying to prove to myself that I’m disciplined enough to complete higher education and formal training only to come out of it feeling like I am 2 years behind on my actual goals.

I’ve been playing it safe, 
I’ve been trying to do what everyone else is doing.
I’ve been ignoring my intuition and pushing myself to do what I thought I needed to do rather than what I truly wanted to do.

DON’T BE LIKE ME.

Get LASER clear on your vision and act in alignment to that TRUE vision.

What do you REALLY WANT.
Not what your parents want. Not what society wants. Not what you think you need to do because you have to prove something to yourself or the world.

Don’t waste time trying to prove yourself to anybody.
Don’t waste time trying to please family, friends, society, facebook.

Really and truly ask yourself:
WHAT DO I KNOW IN MY HEART I REALLY WANT?

And then move in that direction.

Trust Your Unfolding

Try this new method of relating with the circumstances in your life: completely release having to control all the details and timing and just trust that everything will align.

If you’re anything like me then you want everything done yesterday and at the speed of light. You stress and worry about whether or not the things you want will manifest into your life. BUT ENOUGH of living like this. ENOUGH of living under pressure. Wouldn’t life be more fun if you just chilled the F* out? Where are you rushing to? Do you really think that stressing is going to make things happen faster? It’s not. Things will happen at the speed that they will happen whether you stress it or not. So why not chill out and trust the unfolding instead? It’s way more fun this way!

Take the necessary action to get yourself from A to B and then CHILL. Do your part. Whatever that is.

-Wake up early.
-Create a resume.
-Network.
-Research.
-Go to the gym.
-Eat a healthy meal.
-Start that website.
-Create that dating profile.
-Write that blog post.
-Get out of the house and go for a walk.
-Start a savings account.
-Apply to new jobs.
-Tell that person “this relationship is no longer working for me.”

WHATEVER IT IS FOR YOU THAT YOU KNOW YOU NEED TO BE DOING – GO DO IT NOW and WHATEVER RESULT YOU ARE WAITING FOR, TRUST THAT IT WILL MANIFEST.

Co-create your life with the universe.

Release feeling like it’s NOT going to happen. Change that mindset of “I’ll never make it.”

EVERY DAY tell yourself: I AM ABLE TO ACHIEVE ALL MY GOALS. LIFE WORKS IN MY FAVOR. EVERYTHING WILL FALL INTO PLACE.

TRUST!

Take action and release control.
Take action and release control.
Take action and release control.

Trust. Trust. Trust.

SMILE.

Life is working in your favor – STOP LETTING YOUR MIND TELL YOU OTHERWISE.

Start looking at the EVIDENCE that SHOWS you that what you want IS TOTALLY POSSIBLE.

Try this as an experiment: When you see yourself gettin’ all worked up because sh*t’s just not coming together exactly how you want at the speed that you want – BREATHE — and say: I release control in this moment and I relax in the knowing that this is a process and just because it is not in front of me in this PRECISE moment, does not mean that it will NOT happen.

OF COURSE it’s going to work out!
Of COURSE I am going to achieve my goal. I am unfolding into it. I am trusting this journey.
OF COURSE the universe is on my side.
OF COURSE I am loved.
OF COURSE I am capable.
OF COURSE the doors of opportunity will open for me.
OF COURSE my health is going to improve.
OF COURSE I can bounce back from this rejection.
OF COURSE I can heal my wounds.
OF COURSE I can make this change.
OF COURSE I can have a successful business.

OF COURSE! OF COURSE!

YES! YES! YES!

I am here to tell you YES. RELAX BABY! RELAX.
Take aligned action and RELAX.  IT WILL HAPPEN!

Believe with me. Trust with me. Breathe with me. Take the leap with me.

IT WILL HAPPEN!

My Journey from NYC To Cali

I knew from the first time I visited Cali, this is where I belonged! And after so many years of putting it off until the time was right – THE TIME FINALLY CAME!

It’s been such an adventure from the moment I packed the car to this afternoon, sitting in a San Diego coffee shop to share this story with you.

I got to see many different states and hike in Colorado, Arizona and California. I feel grateful for this opportunity to experience more of the world and for having the courage to make this change.

It’s scary. But also so exciting.

Check out this video for more details on my move:

 

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