In the glorious words of Whitney Houston, “Close the door behind you leave your key. I rather be alone than unhappy.”
So I’ve finally decided to stop avoiding this leap and uploaded Reflect Out Loud’s first YouTube video! Taking blogging to a new level! 🙂
You can check it out here:
I’m starting my cross country road trip journey from NY to Cali tomorrow, October 6, 2018, at around 6:00 AM.
I’ve been waiting for this day for so many years!
I want to share how I feel about it.
Right now, in this moment, I am surprisingly much less excited about it than I imagined I would be. I’m moving towards my goal of being warm and happy. Shouldn’t I be more excited?
And a part of me is excited.
But another part of me is saying “This is actually kind of stressful.”
Budgeting. Downsizing. Packing what I can manage to fit. Saying bye to people I love. Hunting apartments. Trying to convince landlords that they should trust me even though I have no official job out there yet. Looking for jobs. Having no idea what neighborhoods and people out there are like. Having no friends out there. No family out there (Well, my sister in LA but I’l be in San Diego).
It’s a bit overwhelming when I look at the size of the mountain I’m trying to climb. On the outside it looks cool, you know? “Oh, this girl is just taking her shit and going.” And yeah, it is kinda cool and yeah it is pretty exciting, but let me tell you – it is also stress and work! It is also me sitting in front of my computer for hours on end looking on Craigslist, apartments.com, Zillow, and asking around for rentals. It’s also seeking and looking for several jobs but receiving rejection letters. It’s also looking at my bank account and trying to be smart with every penny (which is challenging at times for me because I am a spender — Ooh, did someone say Starbucks!?). It’s also having to map out a route (when I suck at maps) and plan rest and lodge areas.
I keep asking myself – “What the fuck are you doing?”
Truth is – I have no idea. But I do know I want to be in warm weather as I try to figure it all out.
I have so many goals but wonder at times if I will have what it takes to bring them to pass.
I need to calm down. I already want to be at step Z without first going through A and B.
I’ve found myself to be more anxious during this time.
Having a hard time staying in the moment.
Then I try to calm myself and talk down my crazy.
I whisper to myself saying:
“Be here now, you glorious badass. Enjoy this moment right now. Don’t take life so seriously. Play with life. Have fun! Enjoy this moment. Enjoy this opportunity. Why are you fretting? It’s going to work out just fine. You don’t have to figure your whole life in a day. You’re fine. It’s fine. It’s all fine. Be excited for this journey! It is going to offer you all the good things you’re looking for. But first, just relax and take it one moment at a time. You got this. I know you do.”
And then I breathe. And then I relax.
And even just writing this put me less in that anxious vibe and more in that hopeful, excited vibe.
I still haven’t exactly planned my route to Cali (and I leave in like 6 hours – LOL!) I’m just going to figure it out as I go because I am the world’s WORST planner EVER. The rough draft looks like I’m going to head towards West Virginia as my first destination on the trip and figure out lodging there as well as destination number 2, which I think will be Nashville, Tennessee.
I guess that’s some kind of plan!
Luckily I have a friend who is tagging along for the ride, and two brains are better than one!
We’ll see what happens. Wish me luck!
*image credit to google images… that I then juxtaposed using a collage maker 🙂
I spent about an hour arguing with my brother about how I don’t believe that Christianity or the Bible is the TRUTH – as he, and so many others preach.
Please, if you’re Christian or religious and are reading this, I really don’t mean any disrespect. Quite contrary, I value your right and freedom to believe whatever feels right to you. All I am saying is that I do not feel like this religion is right, or true, for me.
I think people should be able to believe whatever they want if it makes them truly happy and if it resonates with them personally. I just get annoyed when people (particularly my brother and mother this evening) make condemning statements like “Oh, one day you’ll see. We will pray for you. Judgment day will come and you’ll regret not having listened.”
djadhfiuhfguxhdfuyatfdldjfkvxjvh!!!!!! UGH. Comments like that make me want to roll my eyes so hard they disappear into a black hole.
And then the fact that I get annoyed by their remarks makes me sad. Because it points to me that I clearly need more patience. Like why am I getting all worked up by someone’s silly perspective of how my life will end?
I can’t help it at times and I just get annoyed with the close mindedness. Then I close off. But I want to work on that. Be more patient with their perspectives – even if I don’t agree. I want to be able to have deep respect and appreciation for people’s thoughts and feelings – even when they contradict my own. I want to be fair and listen, even when I don’t agree.
I was born into Christianity and at one point I deeply believed it was THE TRUTH – until I explored my mind and the world more and discovered that my boxed idea of reality wasn’t quite fitting to my free spirit self. I am a HUGE advocate for freedom and free will. I am also a huge advocate for LOVE AND KINDNESS AND PEACE and there is just absolutely NO FREAKING WAY I am going to sit here and spend my life believing in a God that sends people to burn for eternity. THAT IS CRAZY!! Me, a mere human, would NEVER want to condemn anyone to suffer like that (even if I had the total power to), and why would a loving God do that?
I’m sorry dudes, I just can’t accept that. Why would I want to worship a being who would be so cruel to beautiful, precious, human lives? I don’t care if you’re a psycho killer dude, I would never want to throw you into a fire for eternity – and much less just your average Joe trying to lead a normal, good, atheist life.
I am rambling – but seriously, my brother’s Christian God is one who is soooo freakin’ petty that he’s like “Even though you lived a descent life, was kind to others, paid your bills on time, never got into any trouble, always did the best you can but because you SIMPLY did not believe in my son, Jesus, I am going to have you sentenced to an eternity in hell. See ya!”
oidajfsdfhsfugtgcuycgducsiuh;diohd;oih!!!!!!!!!!!! CAN YOU HEAR HOW RIDICULOUS THAT IS!!!???
It’s simply OUTRAGEOUS!
ANOTHER THING THAT REALLY GETS ME GOING IS….
Ok, dude, you’re God – and you can do ANYTHING. Literally. ANYTHING. And the best possible plan you could come up with to save humanity is to send a human baby into the world to undergo all kinds of general human struggles, only later to get beaten and crucified to save the world?? SERIOUSLY DUDE? That’s your grand plan?
ME – A FREAKING DUMBASS HUMAN, could think of a better plan. Like sheesh, I dunno – WHY NOT SNAP MY FINGER AND JUST DECLARE HUMANITY SAVED – YOU’RE GOD, HELLLLLLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
And what’s worst is that he’s “saving” us from a condemnation HE HIMSELF created by telling us that if we don’t follow HIS WAY, HIS RULES then we’re basically fucked.
AND… There’s more that pisses me off about this religion….
FIRST OF ALL – I didn’t ask to exist, dude. And now that I do, I have to abide by some ridiculous ass rules or else I am doomed. WHAT KIND OF FREAKING FREE WILL IS THAT? IT ISN’T!
There’s no free will if the only choice is to abide by X Y Z rules OR ELSE.
Why can’t I have my own rules? Rules that feel right to me personally? Like, I dunno, don’t eat special brownies and drive – but definitely eat special brownies and have make out sessions while looking at the stars and being free to believe or not believe and it DOESN’T MATTER because GOD, if there is one, isn’t trying to judge your every freaking move and just allow you to BE.
Passionate rant over.
On a side note…
I will be starting a Reflect Out Loud YouTube Channel! And I will definitely speak on this topic more elaborately, and again! Among other content that crosses my mind and may hopefully serve the world in some way.
Thank you for following me on this rant. And on my journey. I am sorry if I offended anyone. But seriously, dude – I really rather believe that if there is a God (which I HAVE NO CLUE EITHER WAY) that IT is SOOOOO LOVING and is in everything, and everyone and there is nothing we need to do, be, have, get because there are no real rules and it really doesn’t matter. So make the best of it and live a life you’re happy with.
Something like that.
(Passionate rant officially over)
Goodbyes are a funny thing.
Letting go of the familiar and embracing the new.
Knowing that this may be the last time I physically see you. The last time we share the same space.
Saying goodbye makes me want to cry. Because I see that time keeps pushing me to expand. To change. To move in a new direction. To age. To morph. And eventually, to die.
Morbid – but true. I am each moment closer to my last – which could be at any point in time. Whoa. What a realization to have. That at literally any moment I could be sharing my last experience ever.
But enough on that for now.
I am leaving New York City this week and starting a cross country road trip and new life in San Diego, California. I am chasing the sun. The palm trees. The slower pace.
I’ve downsized my life to whatever I can fit inside a midsize SUV which I have rented for 2 weeks.
As of this moment I have no job. No apartment out there. Just this car rental, some stuff, a little bit of savings and some courage sprinkled with faith and dashes of hope.
My future is looking so unknown right now.
But I am excited at the same time.
I am excited by the possibility of creating a life that I am truly passionate about.
And it starts here and now. Saying goodbye to everything.
Goodbye many possessions.
Hello possibilities. Hello new world, new me.
I cannot tell you how much the concept of polyamory has cracked the walls surrounding my beliefs and ideas on relationships.
The idea that we are truly free and that no one has ownership or power over our person is fully liberating.
I’ve been watching a lot of videos by Conor and Brittany on YouTube. Here is one of their videos that have inspired me and opened my mind even though some resistance and fear yells and claws at me in the background:
So much inner chatter comes up for me as I breakdown old beliefs and begin to understand how to relate beyond the standard programming.
How can I learn to truly let go and embrace real freedom? Freedom from possessing? Embracing the fact that nothing and no one belongs to me but we instead meet as full beings in this plane of existence where for some time we are able to share space with one another in connection.
Connection is not possession.
You are free, dear one. You are free to experience life in all its forms without limits. I do not impose limits on you based on my insecurities and fear. I breathe into my insecurities and perceived lack. I learn to heal my own wounds without burdening you.
I am free.
You are free.
We are free. And we are love. Full, whole, complete in and of ourselves. And it’s from this space of wholeness that we meet and connect without pressure, without rules, without labels and without fear.
I have still so much to learn.
*image credit to Pinterest/learningpoly.com