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Reflect Out Loud

"The unexamined life is not worth living." – Socrates

Lonely Next to You

You could be laying next to someone and still feel lonely. Disconnected. Unloved.

Which I think points to the fact that loneliness and being alone are different.

You could be alone and not feel lonely.

I think I’m being pointed back to the same lesson.

But its taken some time for it to fully sink in.

Sometimes we ignore our hunches.

We know intuitively that something/someone isn’t quite right for us. But we keep trying to make it work. Trying to put a square peg in a round hole. Trying to fit the slipper in the wrong foot. Hoping that maybe just a little more time, just a little more investment will do the trick.

We leave disappointed every time. Tired from unreciprocated efforts.

Eventually someone else comes around and reminds you of how you should be treated. You KNOW the difference. You observe the difference.

They call. They ask about your day. They remember the details. They go beyond.

And then you think to yourself “Oh! Right! That’s exactly how it should feel like!”

And then the sick part of you goes “Why doesn’t s/he do what this person’s doing?”

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And if we don’t get out of this mindset fast we start going into the dark hole of “Why aren’t I good enough?” Or “What can I do to win this person?”

Fuck that.

You don’t have to win anybody.

Don’t go on living to try to be enough for someone.

And don’t wait for someone who isn’t all there to make up their mind about you.

Be with someone who is 100% all in.

Who won’t make you feel like you have to convince them that you’re good enough.

Know your worth. Know that you deserve someone who loves you like you love them.

But even then that doesn’t mean you’re permanently free from feeling lonely.

Sometimes loneliness hits even when you have all of that love you crave. Or even when you’re surrounded by people.

But I’ll talk more about that next time.

 

 

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Vague Ramblings

I feel like I’m caught in this weird limbo where I’m not too old school and I’m not too new school.

I’m some mixture of rotary phones, AOL, Spice Girls, Backstreet boys and when Snicker bars were still 50 cents type era combined with some of today’s millennial spice.

What the fuck am I going to do with my life? That’s my current meditation.

I came out to Cali for the weather… and yeah it’s been pretty nice… but it could be better.

I keep looking at Florida weather and it’s looking really nice right now.
I am a 75 degrees and sunny typa gal.

I like to feel the sun on my skin.

I can’t stand the cold.

I’m liking the properties out in Texas.
Big. Modern. Luxury. CHEAP.
But at night it’s looking pretty cold. And I hear summers are brutal.

I want warm, beautiful, and cheap.

On a side note. Fuck my job.

Working 40+ hours a week doing a job that I hate IS NOT how I’m going to write my story. I can’t do it, man. Shoot me in the face if that’s how it’s going to be.

“It’s only temporary” is the mantra that’s getting me through.

 

I like to drink coffee throughout the day. It’s my addiction.

I’m also addicted to thinking about the past. And the future. And imagined scenarios in my head.

I’m looking for new apartments in San Diego.

But I’m trying to find what is worth me staying here… because so far I don’t see much. I can get warmth in Florida, plus cheaper property – so what the fuck am I gonna stay here for?

I came here for the warmth. And it’s not even that warm right now.
It’s not New York City cold, not even close – but it hasn’t been as warm and sunny on most days right now either.

Greg. That is one of my reasons to stay.

My goal is to find a place I am fairly happy with and give Cali a fair shot.

I’m still trying to figure it all out.

I haven’t written a poem in a very long time.

But here are these vague ramblings…
My complaints. My humanness.
My less than glamorous thoughts out loud for you to see.

Existential Crisis

So let me tell you about my existential crisis.

I’ve been tossing and turning the “Why am I here, what is the actual point of all this” question in my head for longer than I could remember. I’ve explored theories, entertained fantasies, looked to reason, theology, spiritual texts,  philosophy, science, but nothing really satisfied my query.

Existential bullshit aside, I’m also carrying around the weight of the reality I am currently in.

I am at a point where I am trying to figure out what truly matters to me.
Which is such an annoying task because I’m always changing! If I could only stick to one goddam idea and emotion, that’d be grand. But I’m constantly being pulled in different directions by my moods, desires, feelings, thoughts, and ideas.

One day I wake up feeling confident about a particular decision, set on doing particular things, while the next day I don’t want that same thing at all. My mood is completely different. My desires completely shift. 180.  Example: I am considering moving to Texas or Florida, even though I JUST moved to California (but more on that some other time).

I am currently giving myself a reality check.
Taking inventory.
Like: You’re 30 years old, you’re making this amount of money, you’re working this type of job, you’re waking up this time in the day, you’re eating these types of food, you’re talking to these types of people, you’re spending these many dollars, you’re doing x y z, a b c…. and if you keep going in this direction you’re likely going to be experiencing these particular results  in your future (whatever they may be).

I wish some genius could take stock of everything I’ve done and am doing, enter it into some kind of excel formula and come up with my future trajectory.

Which is what I’m trying to do now… with my average intelligence… and without an excel formula.

Other factors of reality that are hitting me in the face.
I’m aging.
It sucks.
My body isn’t as energized as it used to be.
I can tell my skin is different. My face is more mature. My hair texture is different.

I know on a fundamental level the best thing I can do is to accept myself as I age. The best thing I can do is be kind to myself. To be able to gracefully let go of what was and embrace what is. I know the best thing I can do is to make peace with the new identity I am growing into while having the maturity to release the attachment to the old image of me.

Yada. Yada. Yada.

I know. I get it. Anything outside of unconditional self-regard, self-love, self-acceptance is a recipe for suffering…

BUT – I’m still gonna complain about it. I’m still going to acknowledge how shitty it is. I’m still going to say I would rather not lose my health, beauty, strength, energy, memory, etc. A girl’s gotta vent, ya know?

Anyway…I don’t intend for this post to be about me complaining. You can hear me complain some other time…

My intention is more to share on my struggle towards understanding the real meaning and purpose of life. But given that I don’t have an actual answer yet, and maybe never will, I am trying to create purpose through living a life that feels meaningful to me. I’m trying to figure out right now, in this pivotal point in my life, what is actually going to fulfill me so that I wake up excited to be alive, rather than dreading what I do in the body that I do it in.

There are a lot of details that go into creating a meaningful, fulfilling life – and I am currently trying to figure out what those details exactly look like for me, while also accounting for the fact that I constantly change my mind/feelings/moods.

So in other words, how can I create a life that is fulfilling, meaningful and flexible.

Something like that….

Turns out I didn’t really talk too much about the existential crisis in itself… which often trumps all the day to day “What am I going to do with my life” type questions and goes deeper to ask “What even is life, and why was it given to me and what am I really supposed to be doing with it, if there is even such a thing as ‘supposed’ to, and if there’s not, how do I know that to be true — and who the hell am I anyway, and why does it matter or not matter?”

….

Sometimes I wish I could just be a normal person who didn’t even care or who didn’t even wonder.

 

 

Mirror

It’s amazing how in restrospect you can see your shit reflected back at you.

Someone asks you a simple question, and instead of giving a neutral and clear response, you come from a place of defense, of trying to justify. Simply because that question triggered a fear, an insecurity, or threatened the ego in some way.

Truth

I don’t know what the truth is. I think that’s what scares me.

I don’t really know why I’m here.

Or what the point of all this is.

I have theories. Ideas. Strong beliefs. But no absolute certainty. No true knowledge. No REAL absolute, undeniable, unarguable  fact.

I don’t want to end up in suffering.

I want to end up in peace.

and I wish I knew for certain that the destination is peace.

So I don’t have to worry now.

So I don’t have to fear.

So I don’t have to wonder.

Or doubt.

 

Is there life after death?

What even is death, really?

How could the living speak on an experience they haven’t had?

Too many questions and no real answers.

Whatever though.

There’s so much going on in the world. What’s really going on? Does anybody know? Or are we all in for a big surprise?

Could it be true that life’s a magical place filled with wonder and that something truly beautiful awaits us? All of us?

Could it be that it’s all a matter of time before it all makes sense and we can fall into the arms of bliss?

I don’t know.

Or maybe it never ends up making sense.

I don’t know.

Whatever.

 

 

Passenger

I am only a passenger in this ride called life.

I was sitting here thinking about where I see myself in 6 years.

I imagined the wear and tear of time painted across my face. The mature look in my eyes. The wrinkles on my forehead more pronounced.

As I conjured up an image of my future self in my mind’s eye I wondered — am I making a conscious effort to really enjoy my experience here in this life?

This means… not allowing stress to get the best of me. This means doing more of what truly makes me happy. Eating foods that I enjoy. Going on more walks. Engaging in local activities. Having intellectual conversations with people who “get” me. Traveling. Being truly myself without fear of rejection. Enjoying the feeling of being comfortable in my own skin.  Being comfortable with expressing my own opinions. Trusting my intuition. Telling more people I love them. Connecting with
positive people. Listening to more music. Going to more shows.  Taking care of my body.
Treating myself with kindness, love, and unconditional positive regard.

YAAAAS to all the above and more!

One of my biggest stressors right now is my job.  Boy does that place know how to run me thin. I can either change jobs or change how I approach my job (I’mma do both).

As I sit here thinking about it I realize that I can’t let myself get sucked into external pressure or self imposed pressure. This is my life. I have the power to dictate its flavor.

I no longer want to let small things bother me.
I no longer want to spend time judging myself negatively.

The decree is in… I’m fabulous. The end.

I want to take ownership of my experience.
Not let worry, fear, or stress consume me.

I want to trust that at every moment I’ll know exactly what to do.

Fuck the bullshit.

I want to enjoy the ride.

Because when the time comes when life flashes before my eyes I wanna see some awesome shit. I wanna see a film that is PACKED with laughter, fun, adventure, coffee, love, friendship, health, music, and all the great memories I’ve consciously created along this passage.

Ya with me?

Rant

I wanna tell you about the level of pissed I am.

Well.

I’m pissed.

In part at myself. For settling for less than I deserve in every fucking area of my life.

I am no longer interested in fucking pretending.

I am no longer interested in smiling when I do not feel like it.
FUCK YOU AND FUCK THAT,

I am no longer interested in spending my time with people who don’t make me feel good.

If you make me feel shitty – If I have to second guess why I’m spending time with you, and if your company adds no value to my life – BYE.

I’m tired of giving second chances. Of being “NICE.”

NO MORE “NICE.”

No more pretending.

Honestly – YES YOU DO LOOK FAT IN THAT FUCKING UGLY ASS DRESS.

Don’t ask me for my opinion then if you don’t wanna hear it.

I am SERIOUSLY tired of walking on eggshells because YOU are too FUCKING sensitive.

FUCK OFF.
GROW SOME BALLS. and then come talk to me.

I realize I am really upset in this moment.

I’m upset because of my own self.
Because I’ve allowed the external to rock my internal.

I am still learning to manage my internal world.

I also override my intuition at times.
I get a feeling and I override it as so to be “logical” and give the “benefit of the doubt” because you need all “the facts” before “jumping to conclusions.”

No.
When you know, you know and then eventually just break your face when what you already knew hits you in the face.

There’s just a lot of angry, upset, energy coming out from me right now.

But it’s not so much directed at the world.
But it’s directed at me.

But not in a mean way.
But more in a wake up call kind of way,

It’s like here is all this anger, and why do I feel it?

Well… Because I’ve been betraying myself by not being REALLY TRUE and HONEST.

Because I have to follow society’s standard of POLITENESS and bullshit.
What’s more important being polite or being honest?

I guess going forward I want to try to be POLITELY HONEST.

I’m just sick and tired of feeling like I have to walk around eggshells over people’s feelings.

I don’t even know what I’ll title this post.

Angry rant?

I’m not even gonna edit it.

It’s just going to exist here.

Probably one of the posts I’ll cringe at at a later date.

I don’t even want to check for grammar at this point.

Just going to leave this here as a big ol’ mess.

FUCK IT.

>.<

Intimacy

I thought I wanted a relationship, but then the thought of being with one person and losing my freedom doesn’t so much appeal to me. More the latter than the former.

I guess it’s not a relationship that I’m sensing some resistance to but more so a traditional, standard relationship, as most people would understand a relationship to have to be.

Traditional relationships come with rules. Do’s and don’ts.
(Like no texting or talking to other people)

I don’t wanna feel like I answer to anyone. Like there’s some shadow figure watching me and I need to now change how I behave simply because we decided to spend more time together.

Those are just some of the factors that turn me off about traditional relationships.

I would definitely need to amend some of the standard ways of relating in order to feel truly happy. 

Moreover, I seem to have an issue with really getting comfortable with someone.

Let them see me. 
Truly.
Farts and all.

How do I get comfortable enough that I could be myself and truly feel okay?

I slept over a guy’s house the other evening and there was a point in time where I had to fart. I didn’t let it out. That’d be embarrassing. Terrible. How dare I be human?

So what am I gonna do? Hold in my farts forever?

What about when I get a pimple on my face? 
You’d see it.
Or how long it takes for me to blow dry my hair.
You’d know it.

Intimacy…

How does one become comfortable with another?

How does one become okay with being themselves in front of another?

I feel like I should be able to answer this.
I was married for 5 years.

And I don’t remember having an issue with intimacy back then.

The issue I did have, however, is that I couldn’t be faithful. Which goes back to how I originally started this post – with not being sure I could be with only one person and that I need my freedom.

Maybe I’m poly.

But not in the sense that I just want to sleep with a bunch of people. I feel like a lot of people mistake poly for  like a big orgy party or something. I’d recommend they watch Conor & Brittany on YouTube. 

I mean poly in the sense that I am open. I don’t want to stop living and experiencing simply because I am now relating with someone often. 
I want the door to always remain open for whatever happens. This would be a mutual understanding.

I still have to workout some of this confusion as I go, experience, learn and grow.

I primarily want to grow comfortable enough in my skin and with someone where I feel like I can fart and pop a pimple and still be loved. And secondly, be free as a bird and still be loved. All while giving that same kind of love back. A loving, reciprocal and symbiotic relationship that isn’t suffocated by rules.

Yeah… something like that.

Cycles

Every now and again your name will pop up on my screen bringing me back to 2017.
Every now and again I’ll look up your name and see what you’re up to.
I’ll replay Kate Nash’s Nicest Thing on rare occasions when I come home warmed up by the night’s festivities and an extra shot of tequila.
And I’ll scroll through old memories…
I’ll dream up girlish fantasies of how one day I’ll be pleasantly surprised by awakening to the magical reality that we’d end up together.
And then the logical, adult, cynical part of me scoffs and laughs at the silly romantic in me.
And the silly romantic laughs at the cynic who doesn’t dare to dream.
I get shoved back into place by the strike of reality that says: MOVE THE FUCK ON. STOP GOING BACK THERE. STOP FANTASIZING AND RELIVING THE PAST. JUST STOP!
Then I’m over it. I get in my flow. I forget your existence.
And on a random Wednesday afternoon, there it is…
The devil’s name across my screen.

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