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Reflect Out Loud

"The unexamined life is not worth living." – Socrates

Rant

I wanna tell you about the level of pissed I am.

Well.

I’m pissed.

In part at myself. For settling for less than I deserve in every fucking area of my life.

I am no longer interested in fucking pretending.

I am no longer interested in smiling when I do not feel like it.
FUCK YOU AND FUCK THAT,

I am no longer interested in spending my time with people who don’t make me feel good.

If you make me feel shitty – If I have to second guess why I’m spending time with you, and if your company adds no value to my life – BYE.

I’m tired of giving second chances. Of being “NICE.”

NO MORE “NICE.”

No more pretending.

Honestly – YES YOU DO LOOK FAT IN THAT FUCKING UGLY ASS DRESS.

Don’t ask me for my opinion then if you don’t wanna hear it.

I am SERIOUSLY tired of walking on eggshells because YOU are too FUCKING sensitive.

FUCK OFF.
GROW SOME BALLS. and then come talk to me.

I realize I am really upset in this moment.

I’m upset because of my own self.
Because I’ve allowed the external to rock my internal.

I am still learning to manage my internal world.

I also override my intuition at times.
I get a feeling and I override it as so to be “logical” and give the “benefit of the doubt” because you need all “the facts” before “jumping to conclusions.”

No.
When you know, you know and then eventually just break your face when what you already knew hits you in the face.

There’s just a lot of angry, upset, energy coming out from me right now.

But it’s not so much directed at the world.
But it’s directed at me.

But not in a mean way.
But more in a wake up call kind of way,

It’s like here is all this anger, and why do I feel it?

Well… Because I’ve been betraying myself by not being REALLY TRUE and HONEST.

Because I have to follow society’s standard of POLITENESS and bullshit.
What’s more important being polite or being honest?

I guess going forward I want to try to be POLITELY HONEST.

I’m just sick and tired of feeling like I have to walk around eggshells over people’s feelings.

I don’t even know what I’ll title this post.

Angry rant?

I’m not even gonna edit it.

It’s just going to exist here.

Probably one of the posts I’ll cringe at at a later date.

I don’t even want to check for grammar at this point.

Just going to leave this here as a big ol’ mess.

FUCK IT.

>.<

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Intimacy

I thought I wanted a relationship, but then the thought of being with one person and losing my freedom doesn’t so much appeal to me. More the latter than the former.

I guess it’s not a relationship that I’m sensing some resistance to but more so a traditional, standard relationship, as most people would understand a relationship to have to be.

Traditional relationships come with rules. Do’s and don’ts.
(Like no texting or talking to other people)

I don’t wanna feel like I answer to anyone. Like there’s some shadow figure watching me and I need to now change how I behave simply because we decided to spend more time together.

Those are just some of the factors that turn me off about traditional relationships.

I would definitely need to amend some of the standard ways of relating in order to feel truly happy. 

Moreover, I seem to have an issue with really getting comfortable with someone.

Let them see me. 
Truly.
Farts and all.

How do I get comfortable enough that I could be myself and truly feel okay?

I slept over a guy’s house the other evening and there was a point in time where I had to fart. I didn’t let it out. That’d be embarrassing. Terrible. How dare I be human?

So what am I gonna do? Hold in my farts forever?

What about when I get a pimple on my face? 
You’d see it.
Or how long it takes for me to blow dry my hair.
You’d know it.

Intimacy…

How does one become comfortable with another?

How does one become okay with being themselves in front of another?

I feel like I should be able to answer this.
I was married for 5 years.

And I don’t remember having an issue with intimacy back then.

The issue I did have, however, is that I couldn’t be faithful. Which goes back to how I originally started this post – with not being sure I could be with only one person and that I need my freedom.

Maybe I’m poly.

But not in the sense that I just want to sleep with a bunch of people. I feel like a lot of people mistake poly for  like a big orgy party or something. I’d recommend they watch Conor & Brittany on YouTube. 

I mean poly in the sense that I am open. I don’t want to stop living and experiencing simply because I am now relating with someone often. 
I want the door to always remain open for whatever happens. This would be a mutual understanding.

I still have to workout some of this confusion as I go, experience, learn and grow.

I primarily want to grow comfortable enough in my skin and with someone where I feel like I can fart and pop a pimple and still be loved. And secondly, be free as a bird and still be loved. All while giving that same kind of love back. A loving, reciprocal and symbiotic relationship that isn’t suffocated by rules.

Yeah… something like that.

Cycles

Every now and again your name will pop up on my screen bringing me back to 2017.
Every now and again I’ll look up your name and see what you’re up to.
I’ll replay Kate Nash’s Nicest Thing on rare occasions when I come home warmed up by the night’s festivities and an extra shot of tequila.
And I’ll scroll through old memories…
I’ll dream up girlish fantasies of how one day I’ll be pleasantly surprised by awakening to the magical reality that we’d end up together.
And then the logical, adult, cynical part of me scoffs and laughs at the silly romantic in me.
And the silly romantic laughs at the cynic who doesn’t dare to dream.
I get shoved back into place by the strike of reality that says: MOVE THE FUCK ON. STOP GOING BACK THERE. STOP FANTASIZING AND RELIVING THE PAST. JUST STOP!
Then I’m over it. I get in my flow. I forget your existence.
And on a random Wednesday afternoon, there it is…
The devil’s name across my screen.

The Shelter… And My Reflections On The Right To Death

I’ve been meaning to tell you about the shelter.

It’s where I work now. Among 134 homeless people. 

I work on the women’s floor. My office sits by the middle-front of the unit surrounded by 54 beds separated by shared cubicles where the women rest their heads every night next to the little property they have.

This job is teaching me about gratitude. Resilience. It’s awakening me to make smarter choices in finances, health, family. It’s teaching me what NOT to do. 

I am seeing how blessed I’ve been, despite my hardships.

I fight back and fourth in my head about this “blessed” mentality, though. Because some people are fully responsible for where they find themselves. Sometimes it’s not a matter of being “blessed” or not but a matter of taking control of your life, making healthy choices and not fucking up.
 
But there are times when people are just struck by sudden misfortune or they’re dealt challenging cards right from birth. Yeah, I give those people a pass — but not forever. The tools, resources and help is out there if you take it, apply it, and make the best of your situation. 

Reflecting on this topic makes me want to talk about death.

I’ve been meaning to write on this subject FOR A VERY LONG TIME NOW.

Contrary to popular opinion, I am a HUGE advocate of euthanasia. 
Not only for elderly people who are suffering with no chance of recovery, but for ANYONE who does not wish to live.

I think people should have the full right to life but also a full right to death.

Why shouldn’t I have a right to my death? It’s MY life – so why do I not have the right to say at what point I want it to end , especially if it’s going to end one day anyway? Shouldn’t I get a say of exactly when if I so wanted to? My vote is yes.

I’m totally digressing from my original topic – the shelter – and am opening a whole other can of worms here. I know.

But part of the reason I am connecting the two is because of the suffering I see. 

I don’t know what happens after death, no one does for certain, I don’t think. 
BUT if we knew that death is in fact a “get out of suffering card” why shouldn’t it be an option for people?

Why should people continue to live in suffering when they can be at peace through death if that is what they truly wish?

I believe in assisted suicide.

I believe that people should be granted a funeral at their time and date of choosing. 
I believe it could be a beautiful and peaceful ceremony where the dying person can choose to pass away into peace rather than remain alive in suffering just waiting to get hit by a truck or slowly die of cancer or even violently kill themselves. 

I know this is a strong statement. And not a lot of people will agree.

But I am sticking to it. 

I am speaking for those who are suffering and in pain and who would rather rest in peace than live in suffering. 

This is what they say:
“I am hurting. I don’t want to live in suffering. I don’t want to be here at all. I just want peace and rest. It’s my life. I have the right to say what happens to it. And I choose to opt out of this suffering I am in. If death truly is the cure to this suffering, please let me have it.”

I’ll probably talk more about this in a future time, but for now – these are my reflections on the matter.
 

 

Reflections On Trust

What would it take to get you to trust? To let go? To believe that you are supported by universal flow? That every little thing that has ever happened to you whether labeled “good” or “bad” served a purpose?

I’ve been asking to learn to trust.

But I think it’s easier for me than some.

My cross doesn’t seem too heavy compared to others.

There are people going through extreme hardship. Their basic needs are being threatened while I’m over here privileged to be complaining about the pimple on my cheek that threatens my self-esteem as I eat peanut butter spread on a rice cracker. Ya feel me? 

What about them? 

Do they have the right to say: 

“How could I trust when the medical report shows I’m stuck with this disease for the rest of my life?”

“How could I trust when I lost my home and my family?”

“How could I trust when I have no food to eat?”


Hm…

Let’s talk about resistance for a moment.

Reality is.
Whatever is, is. 
“It is what it is” as they say.

In every moment we have a choice.
We can resit the present moment. We could fight against what is by choosing to stay angry, upset, blaming the world, and festering in the dissatisfaction of the hand that was dealt to us.

Or we can choose not to resist. We can choose to remain in trust that despite the deeply shitty shit that is happening in our life it serves a purpose and we CAN withstand, learn, grow, manage and overcome it.

Hm…

But still,
I wonder about the people who just aren’t even aware they have that kind of power.
They are caught up in the struggle for their basic needs and ain’t got time to be talking philosophically about trust and all that airy-fairy, let’s hold hands and have faith type thing.

Perhaps, then, it is our duty to help shed that light. “Our” meaning we, the stronger ones. Perhaps it is our duty to help the weaker. To extend our hand and pull these people up from the ground. But not as so to enable but to support and enlighten so that they can have the foundation and tools to awaken to their power and come in to trust.

      
  

Don’t Give Up

I wish you could see how strong you really are.
How capable.

How everything you’ve ever wanted is but a choice away.

That if you believed and saw the light within you’d be unstoppable.

I am learning that in order to make life happen you gotta really want it. You could have your dreams or you can have your excuses but you can’t have both.

It doesn’t even have to be difficult. There are ways to break down big goals into smaller bite size goals that can be easily accomplished. 

What do you want?
Really. 
What do you truly want?

Are you afraid to dream big?

Or are you able to dream but tell yourself it just isn’t possible?

Well. 
I’m here to tell you that you CAN dream big and you CAN make it happen.

The thing is, that BIG dreams require BIG action.

Are you up for the work?
Because nothing comes without energy. 
Energy will be needed to bring about that vision into reality.

It can be done in easy, small steps.

Are you willing to be patient?

Great accomplishments take time.

Are you willing to enjoy the process and be happy in the here and now as you move towards the climax of your life?

Are you willing to remain present? Remain joyful every step of the way?

Are you willing to stay committed? Encouraged even when there are unexpected setbacks?

Life is unpredictable. We gotta learn to adapt. Adjust. Be flexible.

Play. Dance. Move with the flow.

Know that you have everything it takes, keep at it, and don’t give up.

 

I Wonder…

I wonder… are we addicted to feeling sad? scared? worried?
Because it feels too weird being happy.
It feels too weird to let our guard down.
Because letting our guard down, letting our system relax, means danger could be lurking at any corner.

We must be on hyper-vigilance. Looking out for any possible threat.
Interpreting every detail. Staying two-three steps ahead of the game just to be safe.

Can’t let anybody fool me.
Can’t let myself get hurt.
Can’t let them try to pull a fast one on me.
Can’t let myself stay behind on the race.

Are these the kind of thoughts that are keeping us stuck?
Because we are afraid to swim in peace because you never know when a shark is gonna come out from under and just rip your feet apart when you stop looking?

Am I just too scared to let go and truly be happy? Truly start seeing miracles literally unfold right before my eyes?

Is that too crazy?

Is there something actually really beautiful happening right now but I am just too scared, too “real,” too worried to see it?

What would have happened if I actually let go that night? If I actually allowed myself to truly love you? If I wasn’t scared to say yes. If I wasn’t trying to run away. Would I have turned around and seen the light? Because there would have been no better moment in my life.

What If I were to swim without fear. Walk without fear. Dance without fear. Laugh without fear. Speak without fear. Breathe without fear. Play without fear. Simply exist without fear.

What would that look like?
What would that be like?

Believe In Yourself

Sometimes Pandora will shuffle and land on a song that reminds me of you. Of summer. Of New York City. All combined into a perfect little memory of moments where I felt so happy. So free. So fun.

But that’s not really what I want to talk about.

I want to talk about believing in yourself.
Standing on your own side no matter what.
Ignoring what anyone thinks of you and focusing on what you think of you, and making it be the best thoughts you can possibly think of.

Change the narrative.
Empower yourself.
Cheer yourself on.

Be like an obsessively loving parent who leaves sweet notes in your lunch box and cuts the crusts off your sandwiches in the shape of a heart.

If you feel like giving up but you know this path is what you really want then push yourself a little harder. A little further. A little longer.

Take breaks when needed. Come back to it when you’re rested.

Remember not to take life too seriously. Have more fun. Laugh more. Don’t rush. Breathe. Trust.

Be on your own side.

Be Kind To You

It’s easier to be kind to others than it is to be kind to ourselves.

We say to ourselves, “You’re fat. You’re ugly. You’re stupid.” Things we wouldn’t dare say to someone else. As if others are somehow more worthy.

The way we talk to ourselves is so important to our wellbeing. It ultimately determines how we feel. It becomes so heavy to walk around with an evil critic between our ears constantly tearing us down; reminding us that we’re not good enough and that’s why people walk away; that’s why we never get the promotion.

We learn to pick at ourselves from a very young age. Sometimes we learn it from our parents who scolds us saying “Why can’t you be more like your brother, he always gets A’s?” Or from teachers who call us out in front of the class shouting, “You gotta keep up with the class, Junior!”. Sometimes we learn it from bullies. From grandma who pokes fun of us at thanksgiving dinner with her unfiltered comments, “Mija, you should really hold off on that cake cuz you already got plenty of layers on you, don’t you think?”

We learn it from the media who tells us that beauty is a certain weight, height, shape, color, and lips that are about mango size. We learn it from our boss who overlooks our efforts but promotes lazy Betty who you know you do far more work than she does on any given day.

But where or when we learn to self-hate & self criticize matters much less than what we do about it. What REALLY matters is how we decide we’re going to treat ourselves once we awaken to the fact that we’ve adopted the habit of being our own worst enemy.

See, the world can say whatever bullshit they want – but as long as we don’t take it on board, as long as we don’t adopt the BS for ourselves then we’re Gucci.

What we say to ourselves and what we think about ourselves is the defining factor in how we’re going to feel.

We have to learn to be kind to ourselves. To forgive ourselves. To nurture ourselves. To support ourselves.

We can’t be bullying ourselves and expect to feel good.

We are in our bodies 24/7 for the rest of this life – wouldn’t it be better if we didn’t have to walk around with a critical enemy narrating attacks in our heads all day? Yes! It would be liberating.

Wouldn’t it be so much more fun if it felt like the voice in our head felt like a supportive friend, a loving parent, an encouraging coach, a forgiving partner? Ahhh yes! It would be amazing.

And this is possible.

We can learn to be kind to ourselves.

We can learn to be on our own side. To believe in ourselves. To feel enough. To feel good in our skin. To feel proud of ourselves.

The same way we learned to be an enemy to ourselves through past experiences we can learn to be our own friend.

Practice today. Practice loving kindness to yourself. Practice saying:

“I forgive you. I embrace you. I accept you. You’re not stupid. You’re valuable. You’re so worthy in every way.  There is nothing bad, ugly, or wrong with you. You’re so lovely. You’re so supported. I am here to cheer you. I am here to walk with you and be kind to you.”

Say good things to yourself.

Uninstal the old program that is clouded with bullshit from the past. Install the new version of you. The version that is kind, loving and accepting.

You’re worth it.

 

 

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