This is a complete raw and unedited version of whatever is on my mind at this moment…
Speaking up for myself and defending my feelings is not something I’m about to apologize for.
Enough of your wishy-washy, bullshit attitude I’ve so long stood for and perhaps even enabled every time I smiled and said “it’s fine” when it really wasn’t fine.
But enough on that topic.
Here’s what I’m learning:
No attachment is salvation from suffering. Or at least it helps with the pain of loss.
No one belongs to anyone. No one owns anyone. Or any-THING, for that matter.
No one person can meet all my needs. And I shouldn’t expect anyone, or anything to do so.
What a burden I’ve been putting on the world. Expecting it to fill me.
Now I understand more clearly what they’ve taught me at church – that only “God” can fill me.
And my understanding of this is that it’s not an external thing, achievement, person, event, award, whatever that is going to give me fulfillment – but it’s my own being and my own knowing and connection to life despite it all that will provide a sense of filling.
Also realizing that pain is inevitable and that I should welcome and hold space for it.
Learning to hold space for ALL of me.
The good, the bad and the hideous.
Don’t judge these words too harshly. These are the thoughts coming through me which I’m blindly putting on display.
I’ll speak on all this more thoughtfully in a future moment.
Make your suffering count. Pay a price for the life you actually want.
For a long time I have imagined myself as a this great successful person that has helped and touched many lives with inspiring and motivational messages. And then I realized… Oh, I actually have to do something to get to that success. I can’t just sit here on my couch eating McDonald’s expecting Jesus to come down from heaven with a million dollars and a bunch of loving fans for me. I gotta do the damn thing.
And this reality is something pretty scary to face. Whether I fail or succeed is my own doing. I am responsible for my story. I am responsible for what I make of my life. Those chiseled abs I want aren’t just gonna carve themselves. That book I wanna write isn’t just gonna pop into existence. I gotta put in the work. I gotta do the damn thing.
I can fantasize about an abundant, successful career and book but unless I start taking the necessary action and start writing the damn thing it’s never going to come to fruition. It’ll just remain a fantasy.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve sat here and thought to myself “Oh, I gotta start working on that book.” It’s been over 5 years that I’ve had that thought. And how many pages have I written? 0.
Thoughts and dreams are wonderful things to have. But only actions have actual credibility in the real world.
We have to get honest with ourselves and see what are the actions necessary to create what we want to create and whether or not we are truly willing to put in the sacrifice to make it happen. Even if we are creating something we truly love and are truly passionate about there will still be hard work involved. There will still be a price to pay. There will still be effort and energy to exert. That’s just life.
Even the basic activities in life require energy and effort – like getting out of bed, brushing our teeth, making breakfast, etc… so why would it be any different when it comes to creating the life and success we know we want to achieve? It’s not different. It’s going to take real effort. It’s going to be painful and really difficult at times – but it’ll be worth it because it’ll bring into existence the results you actually want. So make your suffering count! Suffer for the thing you actually do want and stop suffering for the things you don’t.
*Image credit to pinterest
Stop worrying about what everyone else is doing. Stop worrying about where everyone else is. Just look at you. Look at what you’re doing. Focus on you and your path. Focus on your own story. You are equipped with everything you need in this life. You don’t need to become discouraged by what Jen, Mary, Steve, Sally, Brian, David, or Juanita have that you don’t. Life is abundant. Your faith plus your actions will get you to where you want to be without stressin’ over the fact that Susan got the diamond ring while you’ve got the onion ring. Onion rings are delicious. Don’t fret. And don’t focus on Susan. Focus on you. Zoom in on your own path and on your own journey.
Stop with the joy-killing, spirit stifling, useless type of comparative thinking that says “Oh shit, I’m 30 years old and everyone else my age already has a degree, car, house and partner and I’m over here waking up at 12 P.M. and playing video games all day.”
Instead… empower your beautiful spirit and mind with thoughts that serve you like, “I realize I want to create new goals for myself – not out of pressure to do so because of society’s expectation or because everyone else is following this particular path but because I genuinely want something different. Right now is the perfect time to start. I’m not late or early to my life, I am right on time. I’ve needed everything I’ve experienced up until this point to come to my own conclusion of where I want to be. I know that with the right actions and in time I can accomplish my goals. I know life is abundant and I am fully equipped to achieve the life I seek.”
You are unique and there is only one of you. This big universe organized itself in a way that allowed YOU to manifest into existence. Coincidence or no coincidence — you are here! And you matter. Your story matters. Your unique and beautiful unfolding matters. Don’t get caught up in comparing yourself. Blur out everyone else and what they’re doing and just throw yourself deeply and narrowly into your own magical and amazing story!
And then it dawned on me… happiness is more than just a feeling, it’s a lifestyle.
If you want to run a marathon, you have to train.
If you want to perform a song, you have to rehearse.
If you want to be physically fit, you have to exercise.
And if you want to be happy, you have to practice.
It is easy to be happy when life’s smooth sailing. When you get the promotion. You get the house. Your health is phenomenal. There is money in the bank and that new stock you just purchased skyrockets beyond belief. When you catch all the shiny green lights underneath a clear blue sky on your merry drive to work. When the bartender buys you an extra shot of whiskey. When your in-laws never make it to the Sunday brunch (just kidding with that one… haha).
But being happy only when unicorns are splashing magical pixie dust on your path is too conditional to yield lifelong sustainable happiness. Life can be a straight up asshole sometimes. This is why if you want to live consistently happy you must practice happiness as a lifestyle and not simply as an emotional response to desirable experiences. Happiness is a tool you can whip out of your pocket especially when circumstances are trying. It’s like that Optimus Prime type Swiss-army knife you’re gonna wanna carry around with you wherever you go. Because what happens when things don’t go exactly as planned? What happens when you don’t get the promotion? When your finances become unstable? When your health is compromised? When you have to change that flat tire in the middle of a snow storm? When the in-laws actually make it to Sunday brunch!? (Yeah. I went there!).
I’ll tell you what happens. Happiness often gets thrown out the window. It gets donated to the nearest Goodwill along with those purple suede bell bottom jeans you have no idea what possessed you to buy in the first place! But this is when you need happiness most.
Absurd, right!? Being asked to be happy when situations have gone wrong.
But here is my question: Do you want to be happy or not?
If you answer yes, then two things:
1) You must seriously choose and commit to be happy
2) You must act in alignment to your choice to be happy
CAVEAT: IT WILL NOT BE EASY. Just like it isn’t easy to get those 6 pack abs everyone so desperately wants.
The ease of the challenge will depend on how much a particular undesirable circumstance impacts you. For instance, it’ll be much easier to exercise your happiness muscle when a simple undesirable circumstance, like spilling some coffee on your white shirt occurs, whereas losing your job will require having had quite some practice.
There is more to be said on the subject as it is not as straight forward as I’m describing it to be. There is an entire process that involves processing and accepting your current emotional state before actively choosing happiness as the preferred state of being. I will write another post to clarify in more detail exactly what this process entails. For now, I kind of just want to throw this out there to get some kind of ball rolling.
But essentially, what I have noticed is that if I want to lead a consistently happy life, I have to actively practice happiness as a way of being and not only as a response to my desired experiences. This doesn’t mean I’ll always get it right and it doesn’t mean that it’ll always be easy (and that’s okay), but the more I make happiness a regular habit the more happiness I’ll experience.
*Image credit to google images
It amazes me how quickly things can change.
How a moment ago we were laughing and holding each other only to never speak again. Would it have felt different if I knew it’d be the last time I’d see you?
I am having a hard time coping with parts of my life’s unfolding. My aging face. My thinning hair. My changing body. My desire to be somewhere further along.
I’m having a hard time with loss. Loss of identity. Loss of youth. Loss of health. Loss of people. Loss of possessions. Loss of status.
I know there is only so much I can do externally to keep it all together. I know that I have to learn to gracefully accept what I cannot change and stop resisting what I can’t control. But it sucks. Damn, does it suck. Why can’t things just work and be my way? Why does it have to be so difficult?
Part of my struggle is internal. Because I cannot sit comfortably with the way things are. Because I tell myself a negative story about my external situation and assign a negative meaning to what is happening to me.
I know that if I want to experience lasting inner peace and satisfaction I have to commit to being kind to myself. I must commit to seeing myself as beautiful, worthy, enough, complete, deserving, lovable and ultimately safe regardless of my external situation.
I’ve started to do EFT – an acupressure form of therapy that helps heal emotional wounds created by excessive patterns of negative thinking. I like to watch and follow along to Brad Yate’s videos. I’ll share a link here.
I am also working to exercise some faith. Faith that even though things may not be completely the way I want them to be right now, that in time, they will be.
Work in progress.
I have finally come to accept and realize that reality is ultimately this: sometimes shitty sometimes not so bad. There are days where everything will flow. Someone will hold the door for you. The train will arrive right when you get there. The local coffee shop will treat you to a free pumpkin spice latte. You’ll find a dollar waiting for you on the sidewalk. And then there are the days when it seems like Satan has crawled out of hell with a personal hit against you. You open your eyes and there are already 5 missed calls, 3 voice mails and 14 messages demanding your attention. The dog chewed on your favorite pair of sneakers and decided to poop in the kitchen. Apparently you didn’t get the memo that they were doing construction and shutting off the water in your building from 7 am – 1 pm. There is no free latte and the $3.97 cup of coffee you just bought happens to spill on your perfectly white blouse. These are the small occurrences. Sometimes life is out to shower you with the big accomplishments – the wedding, the house, the car, the new job. Yet at the same time it’s out to fuck you – the cancer, the receding hair line, the breakup, the gigantic debt that haunts you in your sleep.
So what to do?
I realize you have to take the good with the bad. Roll with the punches. There will be moments where you will be smiling, joyful at all the wonderful things that you have created and that life has lined up and synchronized for you. And then there will be moments where it’ll all be shit. A landfill of steaming shit surrounded by hungry and pregnant flies. You will cry. You will get angry. You will feel lonely, lost, confused. Unsure of what to do and which direction to take. You will experience loss and it’ll hurt. There’s no way around it. The way is through it. But it won’t be shitty every day. It’ll also be fun. Exciting. Awe-inspiring. There will be so much laughter. Romance. Connection. Moments of peace, clarity, calm. You’ll be energized and filled with enthusiasm and zest for life. Just as the ocean waves rises and crashes back down, so will you.
It’ll be easy and it’ll be hard.
That’s just the nature of reality.
Days like these I want to dye my hair purple, get a half sleeve tattoo and say, “fuck you.”
I’ll do it eventually. You’ll see.
Not that you care.
Sometimes I don’t care. I laugh when it’s not funny.
I am angry.
At myself. At you. At the world.
I wish I wasn’t an enemy to myself 80% of the time.
My inner critic is off the charts. Stabbing me left and right.
Leaving me a bloody, wounded child.
That’s me being dramatic.
What in the living fuck do I have to complain about anyway?
There are people starving and going through real shit – and here I am, sitting in the comfort of my home sipping a glass of wine complaining about why I feel life has been a little less than kind to me.
What a joke.
I’ve been using the word “whatever” a lot in my writing lately.
Whatever that means.
I’ve come a long way in some ways.
I am proud of myself.
I love myself – sometimes.
I hate myself – most times.
It’s a terrible thing, you know? When you live as your own enemy.
I miss you. And you’re probably okay without me.
I’m okay without you too. But it was nice seeing your name pop up on my phone making me believe you cared.
I’ll just listen to sappy music and sip more wine until you finally fade away.
I don’t understand myself.
I hate what I’m doing but I keep doing it. Because the pain of staying hasn’t yet grown stronger than the pain of leaving…perhaps? That’s what they say, anyway.
I want flat abs, but I eat fried food and chocolate.
I often behave contrary to the results I want.
I get possessed by a side of myself that despite knowing better acts against good sense. Then I beat myself up about it.
I beat on myself all the time.
I’m always waiting outside for me at 3 o’clock. With a bat. And a taser. And 5 other friends.
I’ve been working on it, though.
I want to say more of what’s on my mind.
Be raw. Genuine.
Say fuck off more often to the people I just don’t care about.
But it’ll probably get me fired. Or excommunicated. Burned at the stake. Or all of the above.
So many of us are so goddamn sensitive.
Ya bunch of sissies.
Myself included sometimes.
Can’t handle an ounce of criticism and I’m all ready to jump off a cliff.
In the ever lasting words of Red Forman…
I give too many fucks.
I need to retract about 849598 fucks. Maybe that’ll stabilize me to the point of giving just enough fucks to not be too nice or too mean.
I used to think I was a good writer.
Now I sound like an idiot.
Whatever happened to the poetic side of me?
I haven’t written a poem in a while.
I like country music.
I wonder if this is really good-bye.
Why is there a tiny, little piece of me that thinks otherwise?
I don’t care.
I’ve listened to “Bored” by Billie Elish more times than I can count. On repeat.
I’ve listened to other songs too. And I’ve cried.
I cried because of you.
I cried because of my dissatisfaction with life.
I bought a pack of cigarettes.
I don’t consider myself a smoker.
But every now and then I will buy a pack.
There’s certainly a history of addiction in my family.
And a pervasive pattern of separation.
Guess I’m doomed.
I want to flow with the wind.
Be one with the stars.
Melt into the nothing.
There are moments where I am overtaken by bliss.
Everything is so perfect.
Everything is fucking temporary.
Like your morning embrace.
And the fleeting, gentle touch of your lips against mine.
I used to imagine going back in time quite often.
Now I find myself more intrigued with the future.
If I ever get cancer, I will not treat it. I’ll just watch myself die.
Moods are so transient.
I go from one extreme to another.
Then I swim in the in betweens.
I am all over.
How can I make long lasting decisions when my moods are not long lasting and ever changing?
666 is (was) the word count as I start this sentence.
I don’t know where I stand on the subject of God anymore.
I have a very complex idea about it all.
New year, new me, eh?
They annoy me.
Sometimes they speak volumes.
I need to be more open minded.
There are still things that bother me.
I think that if something is bothering me than I have not yet come to understand it. If I truly understand something, it shouldn’t bother me, unless I am being preferential.
I think it’s okay to have preferences, though. As long as we’re not spreading hate.
I prefer chocolate over vanilla ice cream. But I don’t have to spread hate against vanilla.
I also think it’s okay to spread hate – as long as we are in a simulated reality program that isn’t ultimately real and we are just having the experience of hate but not spreading hate in reality.
There’s more I wish to say.
But at the same time I am over it.
I want to be more okay with myself.
With who I am, what I believe and what I like.
I don’t want to dim myself because of you.
Not in a mean way.
I am not a fixed being.
I am fluid.
I don’t care.
I can’t define myself or my feelings.
Every moment is too different from the next to say I am the same.
I wish I could pause the perfect frame.
At least the perfect frame in my universe while at the same time giving you space to define what’s perfect for your own goddamn self.
Would I want to stay forever or leave?
What even is forever?
Too many questions with no answers.
It seems like life is about loss.
You lose everything in the end.
But what is the end?
The actual end.
Should I go back and make edits to this or leave it raw and completely vomited as is?
I’ll probably leave it.
(I’ve made some edits)
In a universe that appears to be so big, all of this is practically irrelevant.
I fight myself on my thoughts regarding relevancy and relativity. And it annoys me. Because it’s like one giant god forsaken Rubik’s cube that I can’t ever put together.
So I end up throwing it in a corner in a fit of rage.
Then I’ll pick it up again 2 months later after a drunken night in the city.
Right now I am annoyed.
And a little excited.
And a little I’m missing you.
And a little okay.
Quite the motha fuckin’ soup.
How long have I rambled for?
Probably more than I’ll ever be proud of.
This is probably one of those posts I’ll scroll through and pretend it doesn’t exist because sometimes I become embarrassed of myself.
Probably because somewhere along the way I learned that it wasn’t okay to be me.
Whatever. Whatever. Whatever.
Sometimes I want to SCREAM.
Scream so loud and pull my hair.
I’ve done it before.
I’ve done a lot before.
Though at the end of the day, I think I’m a pretty good person.
Like I wouldn’t be able to throw you in a fire knowing full well that I could when it’s all said and done type person.
Because I want to be perceived as good?
That’s another long topic I don’t care to elaborate on right now.
But my inclination is to think that it’s just fucking stupid to hurt others for my own gain. My inclination is to want to be just fucking dandy without anything or anyone having to do or be anything for my pleasure. I am my own pleasure.
Is that selfish?
I don’t fucking know.
Dammed if you do, dammed if you don’t.
There’s no winning.
Maybe I’m just love sick.
Am I craving your love or my own?
It’s hard to live dependent on externals.
I wouldn’t want to be alone.
I think it’d be nice to sleep hugging each other forever.
Dreaming all sorts of dreams yet knowing we are in actuality just eternally safe in each other’s arms.
But fuck it, if I was alone it’d at least be nice to be my own friend.
Kind of like a kid with an imaginary buddy, ya know?
I think I am officially done elaborating on anything any further at this time.
If you’ve read this far, wow, I’m impressed.
I can barely stomach it myself.
But then again I’m probably my biggest hater.
Isn’t that weird?
When did I learn to be mean to my own self? Probably because of you.
Probably. But who knows?
I think I’ll officially end with, “whatever.”
Because really, fuck it.