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Reflect Out Loud

"The unexamined life is not worth living." – Socrates

SPEAK UP

I’ve learned that you can’t expect people to read your mind to know what you’re thinking and feeling.
Sometimes indirect cues can get others to catch on to your intentions, thoughts, and feelings. That, however, doesn’t always work and sometimes you just have to open your mouth and tell it like it is. Don’t go around expecting people to pick up what you’re trying to put out. Because what you’ll find is that often, despite your best efforts, people will have no idea how you really feel because you’re not blatantly saying it.
Unsatisfied with your pay grade?
Don’t pretend to be okay with it. Don’t make indirect gestures. Speak to your boss!
Unhappy in a relationship?
Don’t bottle up your feelings and act like nothing is bothering you. Say something!
Feeling like you need more help?
Don’t hide and hope someone will magically figure it out. Reach out to people and tell them you need help!
Annoyed with your roommate, Steve, who always leaves his dirty dishes in the sink, and who “accidentally” ate the whole carton of rocky road ice cream you purposely labeled “don’t touch”?
Don’t ignore it and smile like everything is fine and dandy! Speak to that son of a gun and let it be clearly known that you’re actually NOT cool with that typa thang.
We have to start being honest about how we really feel. No going around it. No pretending. No being fake about who we really are and what we really think and feel. No trying to indirectly cue it and hoping for the best. NO. Say that sh*t loud and clear.
When we start vocalizing our truth we receive feedback from the world. And with this feedback, we can then seek to make adjustments that move us in the direction of what we actually want.
When we speak up, we may not get the feedback we want. But we certainly almost never will if we don’t speak up because fun fact: people can’t read our minds. (At least not yet. Who knows what technology will allow us to do. There’s probably aliens out there somewhere connecting minds by touching each other’s penis or something… but that’s neither here nor there. I digress.)
When we speak up we receive data from those we are speaking to that will allow us to move forward in the direction that we want. For instance, when I tell my boss that I’m no longer okay working 70 hours or more per week while doing my job, his job, and the secretary’s job all at once for basically spare change as compensation and he basically laughs at me and says “go f*ck yourself,” that tells me this company is a dead end for me. His response gives me the feedback that if I want more then I must move on!
So if there is something you’ve been quiet about I urge you to SPEAK UP! Tell it like it is.
Be transparent. Open your damn mouth and SPEAK your truth and go in the direction of your desires, you glorious badass.
SPEAK UP!
💜
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Better Alone Then Shitted On

In the glorious words of Whitney Houston, “Close the door behind you leave your key. I rather be alone than unhappy.” 

I realize more clearer than ever that it is better to be alone than to be in the company of people who make you feel like straight up shit. Why kill yourself to please or give your time to people who make you feel insecure, unwanted, stupid, not good enough, self-conscious, and awkward?
Never again do I want to do that.
Ever.
I feel like being cliché right now and saying something along the lines of “sometimes the mind just needs more time to accept what the heart already knows.”
I’ve been trying to rationalize the fuck out of a relationship that my heart already knew wasn’t good for me. I already felt like this person wasn’t making me feel good about myself. I already sensed that he made me feel insecure, stupid, undesirable, not good enough, awkward, self-conscious, and overall uncomfortable. Yet despite all the negative emotions this person triggers in me I still decided to spend more time with him.
Why do I do this sometimes? Not listen to my feelings? Try to talk myself out of what I feel?
Sigh.
No more, dude.
No more allowing people into my life who don’t make me feel loved, accepted, enough, and supported.
It’s insanity to do anything else! It’s insanity to spend time with people who don’t show you the care, love, respect, and appreciation you undoubtedly deserve. No more spending time with selfish assholes who make you feel not enough. I deeply realize I would much rather be alone than with someone who consistently makes me feel like an idiot, hideous troll scavenging through smelly garbage underneath a dirty bridge somewhere.
TAKE ME OFF THAT SUBSCRIPTION!
Be with people who adore you!!
Be with people whose glance mirror in their beeming eyes the perfect truth of who you really are – and YOU ARE: Mesmorizing, worthy of love and respect, beautiful, smart, capable, and ENOUGH in every way. Anyone who doesn’t reflect this truth back to you is clearly not someone you need around you!
Facts.
💜

First ROL YouTube Video!

So I’ve finally decided to stop avoiding this leap and uploaded Reflect Out Loud’s first YouTube video! Taking blogging to a new level! 🙂

You can check it out here:

From NY to Cali

I’m starting my cross country road trip journey from NY to Cali tomorrow, October 6, 2018, at around 6:00 AM.

I’ve been waiting for this day for so many years!

I want to share how I feel about it.

Right now, in this moment, I am surprisingly much less excited about it than I imagined I would be. I’m moving towards my goal of being warm and happy. Shouldn’t I be more excited?

And a part of me is excited.
But another part of me is saying “This is actually kind of stressful.”
Budgeting. Downsizing. Packing what I can manage to fit. Saying bye to people I love. Hunting apartments. Trying to convince landlords that they should trust me even though I have no official job out there yet. Looking for jobs. Having no idea what neighborhoods and people out there are like. Having no friends out there. No family out there (Well, my sister in LA but I’l be in San Diego).

It’s a bit overwhelming when I look at the size of the mountain I’m trying to climb. On the outside it looks cool, you know? “Oh, this girl is just taking her shit and going.” And yeah, it is kinda cool and  yeah it is pretty exciting, but let me tell you – it is also stress and work! It is also me sitting in front of my computer for hours on end looking on Craigslist, apartments.com, Zillow, and asking around for rentals. It’s also seeking and looking for several jobs but receiving rejection letters. It’s also looking at my bank account and trying to be smart with every penny (which is challenging at times for me because I am a spender — Ooh, did someone say Starbucks!?). It’s also having to map out a route (when I suck at maps) and plan rest and lodge areas.

AAAAAH!!!

I keep asking myself – “What the fuck are you doing?”

Truth is – I have no idea. But I do know I want to be in warm weather as I try to figure it all out.

I have so many goals but wonder at times if I will have what it takes to bring them to pass.

I need to calm down. I already want to be at step Z without first going through A and B.

*Breathes*

I’ve found myself to be more anxious during this time.
Having a hard time staying in the moment.

Then I try to calm myself and talk down my crazy.

I whisper to myself saying:

“Be here now, you glorious badass. Enjoy this moment right now. Don’t take life so seriously. Play with life. Have fun! Enjoy this moment. Enjoy this opportunity. Why are you fretting? It’s going to work out just fine. You don’t have to figure your whole life in a day. You’re fine. It’s fine. It’s all fine. Be excited for this journey! It is going to offer you all the good things you’re looking for. But first, just relax and take it one moment at a time. You got this. I know you do.”

And then I breathe. And then I relax.

And even just writing this put me less in that anxious vibe and more in that hopeful, excited vibe.

 

I still haven’t exactly planned my route to Cali (and I leave in like 6 hours – LOL!) I’m just going to figure it out as I go because I am the world’s WORST planner EVER. The rough draft looks like I’m going to head towards West Virginia as my first destination on the trip and figure out lodging there as well as destination number 2, which I think will be Nashville, Tennessee. 

I guess that’s some kind of plan!

Luckily I have a friend who is tagging along for the ride, and two brains are better than one!

We’ll see what happens. Wish me luck!

Peace.

 

 

 

*image credit to google images… that I then juxtaposed using a collage maker 🙂

Passionate Rant

I spent about an hour arguing with my brother about how I don’t believe that Christianity or the Bible is the TRUTH – as he, and so many others preach.

Please, if you’re Christian or religious and are reading this, I really don’t mean any disrespect. Quite contrary, I value your right and freedom to believe whatever feels right to you. All I am saying is that I do not feel like this religion is right, or true, for me.

I think people should be able to believe whatever they want if it makes them truly happy and if it resonates with them personally. I just get annoyed when people (particularly my brother and mother this evening) make condemning statements  like “Oh, one day you’ll see. We will pray for you. Judgment day will come and you’ll regret not having listened.”

djadhfiuhfguxhdfuyatfdldjfkvxjvh!!!!!! UGH. Comments like that make me want to roll my eyes so hard they disappear into a black hole.

And then the fact that I get annoyed by their remarks makes me sad. Because it points to me that I clearly need more patience. Like why am I getting all worked up by someone’s silly perspective of how my life will end?

I can’t help it at times and I just get annoyed with the close mindedness. Then I close off. But I want to work on that. Be more patient with their perspectives – even if I don’t agree. I want to be able to have deep respect and appreciation for people’s thoughts and feelings – even when they contradict my own. I want to be fair and listen, even when I don’t agree.

*Breathes*

I was born into Christianity and at one point I deeply believed it was THE TRUTH – until I explored my mind and the world more and discovered that my boxed idea of reality wasn’t quite fitting to my free spirit self. I am a HUGE advocate for freedom and free will. I am also a huge advocate for LOVE AND KINDNESS AND PEACE and there is just absolutely NO FREAKING WAY I am going to sit here and spend my life believing in a God that sends people to burn for eternity. THAT IS CRAZY!! Me, a mere human, would NEVER want to condemn anyone to suffer like that (even if I had the total power to), and why would a loving God do that?

I’m sorry dudes, I just can’t accept that. Why would I want to worship a being who would be so cruel to beautiful, precious, human lives? I don’t care if you’re a psycho killer dude, I would never want to throw you into a fire for eternity – and much less just your average Joe trying to lead a normal, good, atheist life.

I am rambling – but seriously, my brother’s Christian God is one who is soooo freakin’ petty that he’s like “Even though you lived a descent life, was kind to others, paid your bills on time, never got into any trouble, always did the best you can but because you SIMPLY did not believe in my son, Jesus, I am going to have you sentenced to an eternity in hell. See ya!”

oidajfsdfhsfugtgcuycgducsiuh;diohd;oih!!!!!!!!!!!! CAN YOU HEAR HOW RIDICULOUS THAT IS!!!???

It’s simply OUTRAGEOUS!

ANOTHER THING THAT REALLY GETS ME GOING IS….

Ok, dude, you’re God – and you can do ANYTHING. Literally. ANYTHING. And the best possible plan you could come up with to save humanity is to send a human baby into the world to undergo all kinds of general human struggles, only later to get beaten and crucified to save the world?? SERIOUSLY DUDE? That’s your grand plan?
ME – A FREAKING DUMBASS HUMAN, could think of a better plan. Like sheesh, I dunno – WHY NOT SNAP MY FINGER AND JUST DECLARE HUMANITY SAVED – YOU’RE GOD, HELLLLLLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

And what’s worst is that he’s “saving” us from a condemnation HE HIMSELF created by telling us that if we don’t follow HIS WAY, HIS RULES then we’re basically fucked.

AND… There’s more that pisses me off about this religion….

FIRST OF ALL – I didn’t ask to exist, dude. And now that I do, I have to abide by some ridiculous ass rules or else I am doomed. WHAT KIND OF FREAKING FREE WILL IS THAT? IT ISN’T!
There’s no free will if the only choice is to abide by X Y Z rules OR ELSE.
Why can’t I have my own rules? Rules that feel right to me personally? Like, I dunno, don’t eat special brownies and drive – but definitely eat special brownies and have make out sessions while looking at the stars and being free to believe or not believe and it DOESN’T MATTER because GOD, if there is one, isn’t trying to judge your every freaking move and just allow you to BE.

Okay.

Passionate rant over.

On a side note…

I will be starting a Reflect Out Loud YouTube Channel! And I will definitely speak on this topic more elaborately, and again! Among other content that crosses my mind and may hopefully serve the world in some way.

Thank you for following me on this rant. And on my journey. I am sorry if I offended anyone. But seriously, dude – I really rather believe that if there is a God (which I HAVE NO CLUE EITHER WAY) that IT is SOOOOO LOVING and is in everything, and everyone and there is nothing we need to do, be, have, get because there are no real rules and it really doesn’t matter. So make the best of it and live a life you’re happy with.

Something like that.

(Passionate rant officially over)

 

Goodbyes

Goodbyes are a funny thing.

Letting go of the familiar and embracing the new.

Knowing that this may be the last time I physically see you. The last time we share the same space. 

Saying goodbye makes me want to cry. Because I see that time keeps pushing me to expand. To change. To move in a new direction. To age. To morph. And eventually, to die.

Morbid – but true. I am each moment closer to my last – which could be at any point in time. Whoa. What a realization to have. That at literally any moment I could be sharing my last experience ever.

But enough on that for now.

I am leaving New York City this week and starting a cross country road trip and new life in San Diego, California. I am chasing the sun. The palm trees. The slower pace.
I’ve downsized my life to whatever I can fit inside a midsize SUV which I have rented for 2 weeks.

car

As of this moment I have no job. No apartment out there. Just this car rental, some stuff, a little bit of savings and some courage sprinkled with faith and dashes of hope. 

My future is looking so unknown right now.
But I am excited at the same time.

I am excited by the possibility of creating a life that I am truly passionate about.

And it starts here and now. Saying goodbye to everything. 

Goodbye Job. 
Goodbye friends.
Goodbye family.
Goodbye lovers.
Goodbye home.
Goodbye familiarity.
Goodbye comfort.
Goodbye many possessions.

Hello possibilities. Hello new world, new me.

What If…

What if…🤔

What if the universe is actually on your side.
What if for once you let go of your fears and believed that you are supported. That you are loved. That people appreciate and want to spend time with you.
What if you just breathe into trust.
What if you turned every negative thought around.
You control the narrative in your head. So what if you told yourself a beautiful, empowering story instead of a sad, debilitating one?
Do you think you’d be happier if you did?
Do you think you could do it?
Try this experiment with me.
Next time choose to believe the best possible thought.

Die Before You Die

Release.

Die before you die.

Let go before you let go.
You don’t have to be afraid, beautiful, sweet child. You are okay. And it will be okay.
Learn to not be so attached to any outcome.
Learn to experience each moment fully.
Learn to have fun even when life really sucks.
Learn to be grateful even when it’s all going downhill.
I know this can be hard to do.
I know it almost seems impossible to pull through when you’re looking in the mirror and literally all of your demons and their dark destruction are staring furiously back at you ROARING — telling you, “YOU CAN’T MAKE IT. YOU’RE WORTHLESS. YOU’RE NOTHING. IT WILL NEVER WORK OUT. GIVE UP. JUST STOP EXISTING. NO ONE CARES, NOT EVEN YOU.”
In this moment, when everything seems against you, put your hands over your ears and refuse to listen to those voices and fears that cloud your better judgement. Even these fearful voices serve for your awakenening.
Remind yourself of the truth:
YOU CAN.
YOU ARE.
YOU WILL.
YOU ARE SO WORTHY.
SO BEAUTIFUL.
SO ENOUGH.
SO LOVED.
SO ABUNDANT.
YOU ARE FILLED WITH JOY.
THERE IS NOTHING YOU LACK.
YOU ARE AT PEACE AND YOU ARE AT REST.
There is absolutely NOTHING you need to do, be, have, get, buy, attain, ask for in order to have value because your existence alone is in and of itself WHOLE AND COMPLETE AND WORTHY AND ENOUGH AND ABSOLUTELY BEAUTIFUL, GLORIOUS AND PERFECT.
You are right where you need to be.
You are not late, you are not early – you are right on time – right here, right now, beautifully as you are.
Don’t be afraid to lose.
Don’t be afraid of time.
Don’t be afraid that things will not work out.
Experience each moment as it is without resistance. Or perhaps resist if you must because all of your experience is valid.
Cry if you must.
Sleep if you must.
Take a break if you must.
And know deeply, deeply, that you are being held right now in the loving arms of a life force that holds you blameless, shameless, and perfectly whole.
I love you.
Don’t worry.
Don’t be afraid.
Even when you lose, you win.

POLYAMORY

I cannot tell you how much the concept of polyamory has cracked the walls surrounding my beliefs and ideas on relationships.

The idea that we are truly free and that no one has ownership or power over our person is fully liberating.

I’ve been watching a lot of videos by Conor and Brittany on YouTube. Here is one of their videos that have inspired me and opened my mind even though some resistance and fear yells and claws at me in the background:

 

So much inner chatter comes up for me as I breakdown old beliefs and begin to understand how to relate beyond the standard programming.

How can I learn to truly let go and embrace real freedom? Freedom from possessing? Embracing the fact that nothing and no one belongs to me but we instead meet as full beings in this plane of existence where for some time we are able to share space with one another in connection.

Connection is not possession.

You are free, dear one. You are free to experience life in all its forms without limits. I do not impose limits on you based on my insecurities and fear. I breathe into my insecurities and perceived lack. I learn to heal my own wounds without burdening you.

I am free.

You are free.

We are free. And we are love. Full, whole, complete in and of ourselves. And it’s from this space of wholeness that we meet and connect without pressure, without rules, without labels and without fear.

 

I have still so much to learn.

 

 

 

*image credit to Pinterest/learningpoly.com

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