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Voice

I’m trying to find my voice but it escapes me

I feel the most free when I’m here

because in this space I let it rip

I just say it as it comes

I just say it as it is for me

in other places I have to tip toe

I have to get it “right”

make sure I don’t step on any toes or say something that offends someone

or say something that is ignorant

Or say something that doesn’t land well

or say something that is wrong

or or or or or ________.

Today I heard TD Jakes talk about a creative whose ideas can’t come through— he called it being constipated— creatively constipated.

That’s how I feel sometimes. Like there’s just so much I wish to give and share but am literally held back.

By what?

By my own paralysis

by my judgment

because I’m not doing it like this other person

or saying it like this other person and therefore it’s probably not good and therefore no one will care and therefore I won’t get anywhere— so why bother?

It’s literally so annoying

I annoy myself with my own thoughts and lack of action sometimes

but I also want to give myself Grace for trying

because it takes courage to speak up

it takes courage to use your voice.

I just hope I can find mine

and I hope it makes you proud.

Normal

I wish I was normal

That I didn’t think so deep or care so much or feel paralyzed at times by the weight of it all

Grappling with my limitations and feeling incapable of resolving it all

I wish I could just take selfies on the beach and not care that we consume so much plastic that it impacts our oceans
That there are people who are hungry
That there is so much lack of knowledge among people still

When I think about it all I just wanna run away and hide
Where do I even start?

It can be so overwhelmimg

If I can at least solve one major problem that would be great

I guess I’ll start small

and this is what I’ve been reflecting deeply on

What the fuck am I doing with my time and my life?

I sometimes don’t even see the point of it
But if there was one purpose I think makes most sense is that the best thing we can do with our time is to make the best of it

and I don’t mean the best of it in the sense of just getting by trying to make the best of shitty things, I mean truly put our efforts to make this the best world it can possibly fucking be

Because why not make something amazing? Something beautiful. Something we can all look at and just say Wow. WOW. We’re all truly happy and grateful that we are here and that we have chosen to put our efforts to design a wonderful world.

This is our BEST because we are giving our best to this world. Even if your best is shitty, at least fucking try. It adds up when we all pull our weight and do our part to make this a better world for all the life it holds.

Hmm…what a wonderful world

Love

Love is an incredible drug

Once I have it I’m so afraid to lose it

and if I give it, sometimes I fear it’ll be rejected

so at times I withhold it… because if I admit I love you, really love you, then I am vulnerable. I’ve given my power away.

You love me now, but will you love me tomorrow?

I think about how time takes everything away… and eventually we say good bye to everything in this material world

Everything is borrowed. Temporary. Here and then not here.

Ain’t that some shit?

But that’s also a very limiting perspective of what the possibilities really are. So don’t let my cynicism bring you down.

Have you ever watched the movie, “What dreams may come”?

Perhaps life is more romantic than I think it is.
Perhaps it’s more magical than I allow it to be.
Perhaps it’s more beautiful than the jaded part of me allows me to see.

Anyway…

I don’t wanna be cynical and negative
and keep complaining to you like I always do

But I wanted to vent a little bit…

Other things I’ve been reflecting on:
“We’re all walking each other home” a quote I’m heavily resonating with.

We need to get our shit together.
The “they” and “them” we keep waiting to do something about our problems is me and you.

It’s up to us to stir this ship in the direction we wish it to go.

Older generations dying off – and we are the leaders of today’s world.

We are the doctors, the teachers, the janitors, the law makers, the jail keepers, the deli clerk, the guy in the corner asking for a dollar — it’s us. This is it and this is us. This is our planet in the condition that it’s in. Thank you for all you do.

Thank you for the roads, they get us to and from places.
Thank you for the food you planted: we can just easily choose them in our abundant markets. Thank you for the water in my pipes. Thank you for pizza. For electricity. For my iPhone. For the music you make.

You’re all incredible.

Room for improvement? Yes. Complaining isn’t enough. We have to DO something about it. Taking accountability and with loving kindness, compassion, order, justice and with virtue construct what we wish to see.

Ego, tame it.

I’m sorry goes a long way. Be willing to accept you’re not perfect either. Be willing to take accountability for your side and part of the equation. We’re all human and make mistakes. Forgive. Heal. Let go. Move on. Restore.

What’s the point of creating suffering for each other? It’s much better if we’re having fun. If we’re healthy. If we are using our brain power for good. To have an awesome and lovely party here on our beautiful planet Earth. Walking each other through the days that unfold.

Be kind

Have patience

Plant good seeds

Let’s take care of each other

——

also,

I think I’m in love.

And I’m excited and scared all at the same time

but what I really want most is to trust

trust the process

trust life

and maybe to believe in God again

a good God

One that truly cares about all and is for all, even the naughty ones in the bunch – without judgement

just love

Pure love

——

oh,

I think I also want a baby. Lol

absurd! I never thought I’d say that

but first, I’m more focused on building security

and finding myself, my voice, and be more ingrained and aligned in my work.

Maybe I’ll adopt.

but honestly who knows… I can die tomorrow for all I know (here’s my cynicism again 😩). I can be so dark sometimes but also so light — it’s annoying to hold both these energies. Can’t I just be normal? Can’t I just be a normal person who doesn’t think so much and feel so much? Is that what normal even is?

ok I’m done

If you’re reading this, wow

you’re the real MVP

I’ve always dreamt of having people read my words 🥹

you’re a dream come true

thank you

I love you

^ I don’t even know you, how can I say I love you

I don’t know, I think I just do


Laundry

Every now and then I think of you

like today when I got a whiff of the way your laundry smelled

not all laundry smells the same
yours always smelled distinctly good…

Sometimes the memories just pop back up

Your tall ceilings
drinking morning coffee while we sun bathed in your yard
tender moments in the shower
your cool red lamp and the smell of palo santo
the depth of your soul
the width of your mind
playing music in your office room
playing cards
your laugh that didn’t happen all that easily so when it did it was extra special
exploring consciousness
dropping into the body in ways I hadn’t done before
your exquisite home cooked meals
talented creations & artistry
your amazing dog
and comfortable, lux sofa.

Sometimes I wonder if you think about me too.
If so, when?

When you’re lonely and wish you hadn’t let me go?
When you’re having so much fun that you’re glad you let me go?
In passing?

Not like it even matters.

I hope you’re happy now


Conflicted

I’m getting mixed messages

One part of me is trying to stay safe, do what it knows can at least give it slow/steady results if I stick to the plan and do what the old timers have done

Work your job, pay your bills, save for retirement and just do the safe thing— the “normal” thing

Just save for a house. Have a car fully paid for. Be good, kind, start a family and keep working that job until you can retire after 401k, IRA and few stocks pay off at 65

“WHAT!? Is that really the plan!?” the other part of me chimes in

this other part wants nothing to do with that safe yet painfully slow ride to my death bed

This other part wants to dive fully into the depths of the unknown

To run away to places like Bali, Spain, Italy, Greece, Thailand just because I feel called to

To wake up in new places, eat new foods, meet new people, and go on a wild journey that frees every cell of my being

It wants to go out with a bang

Filled with love, magic and stories to tell

To fall deeply in love with self

To dance in the rain without feeling shame for the way I look when my hair is wet and you can see how my forehead is too big and how the sides of my hair aren’t as thick anymore

To feel the sun gently laying on my skin as I breathe deeply filling my lungs with the juice of life

a life that feels vibrant, radiant, healthy, free

this part of me wants to throw reason out of the window

it wants to REBUKE fear from every cell of my being in order to experience bliss, magic, ecstasy

It wants to say FUCK YOU to the chains of safe, predictable living and take a LEAP of no return — it’s do or die

and if I die,

at least it wasn’t from the torture of monotony

But still

I am conflicted


EGO

There’s this deep sadness I feel sometimes
Because despite life being awe inspiring, beautiful and filled with lovely moments…
I can’t ignore the other side of the coin

Death, pain, suffering, ignorance, immaturity, injustice, sickness, wrong doings, _______ <insert bad thing here.

The other night I woke up from a bad dream
and I was flooded with tears

Tears because of the loss I’ve experienced in the past
and for the loss I’ll experience in the future.
For all the suffering on this planet
and for how small I feel sometimes in the face of it all.

I had a thought come up about needing to “let go of my ego”…

Something that feels like a recurring lesson

Saying “I’m sorry”
Acknowledging where I’m at fault and how I’m contributing to my problems
Owning up to my mistakes rather than fighting to be right

Not easy to say “I’m sorry” during moments I rather be a brat and stick up for my side of the story.


Sometimes I dance between ideals and apathy
Seeing the beauty and miracle that is life
yet also seeing the ugly and merciless hands of time that takes it all away

I think about my mom sometimes
her aging…
how much she struggled and how I wish I could give her a castle, and everything she could ever dream of

How I wish I could give you the world
How I wish I could save the world
How I wish things were different

How powerless I feel as a spec in an infinite universe

What do you want from me?
I’m here… to die 😦

Anger

I wanna be justified in my anger

I didn’t ask to be here

I didn’t ask to exist

yet here I am

and at times I get angry

when things don’t go my way

when I feel wronged

when I see injustice in the world

when I see the suffering of people

when I see my own suffering

and when I want to brew and stew in the desire to be right
to be in my ego
to be in my pride

to sit in the pool of my own fury

to fester
to pout
to stomp my feet

to want to run, hide, scream, attack, and throw a tantrum

I also get angry at being angry

because I should know better,

be more mature

as if being angry was wrong, or bad or something I shouldn’t feel

because I must be good, kind, sweet — always

not angry

no

that isn’t right

is it?

Accepted

Do I dim my light to be accepted?

Must I walk a certain way? Talk a certain way? Look a certain way? Be a certain way — and then I’ll be accepted?

Sometimes it can be hard for me to open up to love

because sometimes I experience rejection and it hurts, and it makes me close off

because I’m loved by others conditionally

Only loved if my hair is brushed or when I’m in shape
Only loved if my skin is youthful
Or if I make enough money and live in a nice place
Only loved if this or that or the other

Conditions, conditions…

-Sigh-

I think the secret is to give yourself the full love you seek from another

To accept yourself fully, without judgement

And to be around others who accept you as much as possible— even if they can’t accept all of you 24/7 365 in all your light, color, size, shape and being.

If you’re fulfilled with your own love the rejection of the other won’t ultimately shake you because you’re already full of love and acceptance; the love and acceptance you’ve already given yourself

Easier said than done, I know

but it’s a feeling you cultivate, a feeling you imprint into every cell of your being
It’s a practice

A practice of committing and re-committing to loving yourself without judgment,

without basing your sense of self worth on what you think you need to be in order to receive love from the other

To not hide or dim your light

We are all on our individual journeys, no one person can be all about you 24/7

So don’t be surprised when they’re not

It isn’t a bad thing, it’s just the nature of relationships

Work on being okay with yourself

(Which isn’t to say don’t take healthy constructive criticism and make improvements as needed for your personal development and growth)

But find that still, loving, grounded, accepting presence within yourself. It is always there no matter what.

The love you seek from the other is already there.

Don’t fear rejection of the other (that happens from time to time and is normal — it does not mean you are objectively unlovable or undesirable)

Reserve your company for those who make you feel good for the most part (No one person can make you feel good 24/7)

If someone doesn’t make you feel good, you have the option to talk through it and work together to make the situation better

If it doesn’t improve despite best efforts, it’s okay to kindly release that person and distance yourself (even if it hurts at first)

-Sigh-

This rant went on longer than I intended it to…

In conclusion,

Living is quite the art—
It’s a practice

Do your best to love and accept yourself
No one else can really do it for you,

Except maybe Jesus?

But that’s a whole other story

Hold

Hold yourself during those moments where no one else is available to

Sit with yourself and breathe
just breathe

Hold yourself when it feels like everything is falling apart
Hold yourself when it feels like you can’t see the way forward

Feelings aren’t facts, they come and go

Remember you are your guarantee

All things will come and go
All things will pass

You will be the one who stays

What is yours will be yours
albeit temporary


B R E A T H E

Your breath is with you


You can connect to it when you feel alone
When you feel unstable

You are with you
You are enough

What is meant to be will be

You don’t have to force anything or anyone to stay, what is meant to stay will stay
and when it is time for it to go, it will go

Allow the flow
Hold yourself when it feels like there is no one else

You are there
and you are enough

You are not less worthy because something or someone exists your space

You are whole
You are there

Hold yourself
Hold yourself tightly
Give yourself the love you are wishing from another

You can fill yourself up with love
Your love

You are the guarantee
Through the ups, downs, good, bad, in betweens

You are there
Hold yourself in these tender moments



B R E A T H E

DEEP B R E A T H

You are okay
and will be okay

Hold yourself
You are enough
You are complete

The external stuff is in constant motion, the external will change
But you will be there through all of this

Hold yourself through the change

Hold yourself with grace
Hold yourself with compassion
Be there
Present
Holding you

Hold

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