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Reflect Out Loud

"The unexamined life is not worth living." – Socrates

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I’m eating broccoli.

Wearing shorts. And knee high socks. Cuz, why not?

I say “cuz” a lot. And I don’t like it. I feel like it makes me sound uneducated.

Speaking of uneducated…

The truth is I don’t have much of an intellect.

I mean, I can do the basics, what most people can.

But there’s really nothing grand about my mind. I am average.

And sometimes I feel really slow. It takes me some time to understand things….

 

….

There has been a break since I have started this post. At least an hour or more.

I don’t even feel like writing anymore.

 

I didnt even feel like it when I started really.

 

I’ve been feeling so blocked at times.

Also having trouble with my speech.

 

 

But I am okay!

There is so much I  want to tell you.

But now is not the time.

 

Ok. Bye

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Timid

How long will I hide behind these walls?

How long will I play nice?

Always nice. Always good. Always giving.

Is that the way?

 

Traces

I see the evidence of the imprint you’ve left manifested in my reality.

And now, in this period of uncertainty, it is unclear how the timeline will unfold.

There is more on the chess table than I can control.

There are images, stories in my head that leave me discouraged. With little option but to let go. To stop wanting to put a square peg into a round hole.

*Breathe*

I’ve been in this place before.

It is time to take a different approach. To do different to get different. To stop doing the same old thing in the face of a new reality that beckons me to morph into new form.

It’s the process of going from caterpillar to butterfly. A butterfly whose wings are marked with the imprint of the past who shaped it.

I will always carry a little peice of you with me. You’ve marked my life in ways that influenced my path; influenced my story.

*Sigh*

What a wonderful and messy life this is.

 

Granted Time To Waste

I have been lucky enough to have been granted a lot of time to do whatever I want with.

And I’ve chosen to waste it. To simply sit here and think. Enjoy the sun on my skin. Drink coffee. Cry. Journal. Read a book. Think some more. Repeat.

I’ve picked up my guitar again.

Life is this funny thing.

You’re born, you do a buch of shit, and then you die.

My mind gets blocked sometimes. I want to raise my vibe. And give less fucks about things that don’t matter. Give my energy over to the things that do matter.

My health. My comfort. My bredht and depth of experiences.

I don’t have all the answers. But I think I don’t need them.

Amazed

I’m amazed that my words are reaching people in several places of the world.

When I was a child I would dream of having my thoughts reach others. I would write messages in paper airplanes and throw them out of the window.

I would sometimes look at the sky and ask “Can you hear me?”

And now, thanks to the internet, it’s become so much easier for us all to communicate. To reach each other with our messages.

I want my messages to be of love and hope. Of peace. Of kindness. Of prosperity. Of joy.

But sometimes I have my angry, depressing, weird, abstract rants – as you’ve probably already seen if you’ve followed me for a while.

But they’re not necessarily a message, it’s just me venting out loud. Ya know, reflecting out loud.

Thank you for reading my words.

For adding meaning to my life.

I am more fulfilled because I can share my story and my journey with you.

Reality Codes

Everything that is is embedded with a code which represents its existence.

Everything that is is embedded with fact.

There is a Truth that is beyond argument. This truth is THE TRUTH. Meaning, the fact of that which is.

If something is then it holds an inherent truth.

Just because we don’t know the truth does not mean it’s not there. It’s like uncharted land.

There is an ultimate Fact. While I may not know what this Fact is given my limited intellect, what I do know is that there is an Answer, because the answer is inseparable from existence in itself. The Answer is encoded in reality. But I do not have the mental capacity to compute it. Perhaps, however, there is another way.

But I have arguments against this “other way,” because it’s through experience. But experience alone, I believe, is not sufficient proof. As experience is subjective.

But perhaps if I knew, and you knew too, and we all could know simultaneously through experience – ultimate computation, meaning we’d factor ourselves into the equation because only by inclusion could we really know the size of how grand it all is, could we then arrive at a conclusion.

Hm.

Something to think about.

Glimpse Of Heaven

There are times when I really do see it.

I’m comfortable in my skin. Really living my purpose.

You’re by my side. We can design our day, better yet, our lives as we please.

You’re free and fulfilled. I’m free and fulfilled.

There are no borders.

We’re healthy. Abundance flows.

It’s beautiful. We’re beautiful. Life’s beautiful.

I Don’t Know

The truth is that I don’t know.

Everywhere I look there is someone claiming knowledge.

But what do I know? Abso-fucking-lutely nothing.

There is so much information. And my barely average intellect can’t even begin to comprehend.

And it leaves me frustrated.

To survive in this world I have to submit myself to work. To provide some sort of service in exchange for credits (a.k.a money, a.k.a physical representation of energy exchange) that I can then use as leverage to obtain other goods and services.

I’m over it. I really don’t fucking care. Why do I have to participate?

I hope the atheists are right – that when you die nothing happens. Because FUCK having to do more stuff after all the stuff I’ve already done.

I don’t want to deal with reincarnation and all other kinds of bullshit. I don’t want to fucking participate in this charade of existence.

It’s nonsense and I don’t care.

Or maybe I do care.

I don’t know.

I just get into these spaces sometimes. These spaces where I really just don’t give a fuck. And then there’s this part of me that feels bad for confessing this because some of you will judge me saying “How could you say such a thing? Life is precious. Don’t be selfish. Don’t think like this. Don’t be negative.”

FUCK THE FUCK OFF.

Let me have my thoughts — you go ahead and have yours.

No. I don’t always think like this. But sometimes I do. And I don’t think it’s bad that I do. I actually at times really do think that not existing is better than existing.

If I didn’t exist I wouldn’t even have to think about whether or not existence or non-existence is better – I WOULDN’T EXIST SO IT WOULDN’T FUCKING MATTER — isn’t that blissful?!

I think it’s fucking blissful.

All this bullshit about good, bad, ugly, beautiful, existence, non-existence, is all a matter of discussion for those who exist and have some kind of a brain to ponder and reflect upon existence. But honestly, I could do without it. And I don’t care if that sounds negative to you.

I mean… suppose there really is some grand fucking purpose to life and it’s some beautiful ass fucking shit… cool? Then what? I don’t get it.

I enjoy the black screen. Those nights when I’m asleep and it feels as If I don’t even exist. I don’t see a need to come back to this bullshit and do things and talk to people and play fucking pretend.

There’s a part of me who feels she needs to apologize for saying the above. But not because I really feel bad for saying it, but because I feel bad for being judged for saying it.

These are my thoughts, though. And why should I hide them?

I don’t really know what the point of this post is. Which I guess brings it all back full circle.

I don’t know why I’m here. I don’t know what the point of all this is. I’m just going along with the system I was born into and trying to do the best with the limited knowledge that I have.

I have a lot to be grateful for. Things could have been much worse for me than they are. Things also could have been much better too, on the other hand. But either way I am who I am and I’m doing my best with what I have.

Some days are better than others. Some days it even feels like it all makes sense.

But other days, I just don’t give a fuck.

But honestly, I just don’t know.

I’m having doubts about sharing this – which is something that never really happens since Reflect Out Loud has always been about me sharing my raw thoughts in a more tangible format.

But I’m gonna share it anyway.

Fuck it.

YOLO, I guess…

I don’t know.

Sage

I burned sage for the first time today.
I guess I burn sage now.

I was never really a fan of the smell. 

But I sort of am now.

I want to talk about influences and how powerful they are.

The people we spend time with leave an imprint on us. 

This is fact.

Who are we allowing to influence us? Are the influences leading to positive outcomes or negative?

Am I allowing the wrong people in? Have I been pushing the right people out? 

A lot to think about.

I am in an interesting period right now. A period where things feel like they’re moving really slow but at the same time they’re moving nonetheless.

 I am playing a slow, long strategy game. When I analyze the facts it’s going to take some real COMMITTED ASS FUCKING effort to get my small ass off the ground and into the next level. 

It might mean less socializing for a bit. It might mean less time for adventures. It might mean closing off to others and being more invested in myself. 

I keep asking whether it really does have to be that extreme? Do I really need to make these strict changes? Do I really need to start saying no? To start pulling away? To start being highly frugal and make big sacrifices? 

Sacrifice my comfort. Sacrifice the person I really care for. Sacrifice my energy. Sacrifice my time. 

A lot to think about. 

And now my apartment smells like sage. 

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