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Reflect Out Loud

"The unexamined life is not worth living." – Socrates

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Song on repeat
Chest sinking
Another wine glass by the bedside

Reflection in the mirror —
Puffy eyes.
Waking up from another terrible dream
Another dream where you walk away
And it’s not meant to be 😥

Sigh…

Today isn’t as bad as its been

They say grief happens in stages

Some days I go on streaks without thinking of you
Then suddenly remember “Oh wow, I haven’t thought about you all day!”
[the irony]

Some days it feels heavy, disappointing, angry
Some days it feels hopeful and even happy
Sometimes I want to share that happiness with you…

Sometimes I want to tell you about something cool I saw,
Share what I think would make you laugh…

Most times I feel mad at you for how selfish you have been,
and mad at myself for how stupid I have been

Yet a part of me wishes we could fix it all.
Can we rewind the tape?
Can we go back to the days when we’d wake up excited like kiddos
When every day felt like an adventure

But when I really think about it, I don’t even want to.


How many times can we rewind before we eventually get sick of hearing the same song…

I am better off as the person I am becoming
And I hope you are too

Perhaps when the sun has set just enough times to heal the wounds
Maybe then we will meet again…

or not…

nonetheless, the memories and the lessons will play on



Meaningless

Sometimes I look at some of the stuff I’ve written here and I cringe. But at the same time, I don’t care. These are my thoughts…out loud…

I haven’t written here in a while. I haven’t been as inspired as I used to be.

I’ve been busy with so many projects. Trying to make it all happen.

There is so much I want to tell you but I don’t have the energy tonight to share it all.

This is probably going to end up being just a bunch of meaningless words…

I’m trying to figure it all out (as usual)…

I wonder if we ever “figure it all out” or if life is just an endless search.

I don’t even want to share this because of how pointless it is. But I really wanted to create something. Even if it’s just meaningless…

Text

How is it that one text can transform the entire trajectory of your timeline?

We were supposed to eat dinner together.

But now I’m alone.

The nagging feeling in my system couldn’t let it go.

Maybe I’m crazy.

But this is the choice of my gamble.

I was willing to bet – blind.

Maybe it’s a mistake.

Maybe it’s just what is needed.

C’est la vie.

Hello, it’s me…

I feel like I’ve been MIA on here for a while.

And right now there is so much I want to tell you.

Where do I start?

So many images flooding through my mind.

I’m trying to figure it out. As usual.

Life’s a fucking trip, man.

My biggest concern is that I am aging. My youth is slipping. Every day. And I want to set myself up for success.

Success according to my standards.
Meaning I feel good and look good and have abundance in my life. Abundance in all areas. For as long as I possibly can.

We can’t always control the outside, but we can always control the inside.

I want to feel connected, inspired, aligned more often.

Which means I need to let go of my limiting, negative internal dialogue.
Breathe. Be present. Stay calm. Trust.

I welcome more gratitude.
More trust. More faith. More confidence.

I am trying to decide what path I am going to be taking in my career. I also need more discipline.

I know I want to do all these great things, and I’ve already started… But I also know where I need to make adjustments.

This isn’t even really what I want to tell you… but these are the thoughts coming up right now.

I just briefly want to touch on my average IQ.

I’m nothing great. I’m nothing beyond standard. Average intellect.

Can someone like me – average, really produce something genius? Something new? Something that hasn’t already been done before.

I mean… I just had a thought in my head right now but I don’t want to go into it right now because it’s too intense to type and I don’t feel like getting intense.

Anyway…

What more can I tell you?

Oh. I’ve been learning to give less fucks.

I mean I still give plenty of fucks but a little less now.

It’s been helping greatly.

Whereas before I felt overly responsible for people’s feelings, now I feel less so.
Whereas before I felt overly concerned about certain outcomes, now I feel less so.

What a relief!

Still a work in progress.

I want to get to the point where I am literally able to just actually say what’s on my mind regardless of scenario. Like fuck you, I’m not going to pretend because you can’t manage your own goddam feelings — and you shouldn’t have to pretend for me either.

That’s how we get a bunch of fake people and create fake interactions based on false presentation.

Fuck that,

I’m vulgar sometimes.

I’m sorry. But not sorry.

Sometimes I am ashamed of my background. Growing up in low class has me picking up certain behaviors, speech patterns, thought processes. And has given me a certain experience of life compared to those in higher class, affluent communities.

I wish I was more educated. Or that I had paid attention in school. I didn’t know better.

But I wouldn’t want to be all proper and not know my hood shit. I actually love both. I love both sides of the coin. I love intelligent conversation, big words, tall postures, class, poise, elegance, luxury.

I also love me some late night grungy nights in a dirty NYC basement where I’m thrashing my head back and fourth screaming “YEAH, DJ SPIN THAT SHIT.”

Best of both worlds.

I also love to explore other cultures.

I can’t wait to travel.

See the world. Learn new things.

“Things.” I hate that I use the word “things” to describe experiences I want because I lack a more descriptive word. There goes that IQ issue I’ve been talking about. My two little brain cells just scrambling in there trying to come up with the right words.

Anyway.

Enough of my  bullshit.

Kudos to you if you survived until the end of this reflection.

Good-bye, it’s me.

Free Write

I’m eating broccoli.

Wearing shorts. And knee high socks. Cuz, why not?

I say “cuz” a lot. And I don’t like it. I feel like it makes me sound uneducated.

Speaking of uneducated…

The truth is I don’t have much of an intellect.

I mean, I can do the basics, what most people can.

But there’s really nothing grand about my mind. I am average.

And sometimes I feel really slow. It takes me some time to understand things….

 

….

There has been a break since I have started this post. At least an hour or more.

I don’t even feel like writing anymore.

 

I didnt even feel like it when I started really.

 

I’ve been feeling so blocked at times.

Also having trouble with my speech.

 

 

But I am okay!

There is so much I  want to tell you.

But now is not the time.

 

Ok. Bye

Timid

How long will I hide behind these walls?

How long will I play nice?

Always nice. Always good. Always giving.

Is that the way?

 

Traces

I see the evidence of the imprint you’ve left manifested in my reality.

And now, in this period of uncertainty, it is unclear how the timeline will unfold.

There is more on the chess table than I can control.

There are images, stories in my head that leave me discouraged. With little option but to let go. To stop wanting to put a square peg into a round hole.

*Breathe*

I’ve been in this place before.

It is time to take a different approach. To do different to get different. To stop doing the same old thing in the face of a new reality that beckons me to morph into new form.

It’s the process of going from caterpillar to butterfly. A butterfly whose wings are marked with the imprint of the past who shaped it.

I will always carry a little peice of you with me. You’ve marked my life in ways that influenced my path; influenced my story.

*Sigh*

What a wonderful and messy life this is.

 

Granted Time To Waste

I have been lucky enough to have been granted a lot of time to do whatever I want with.

And I’ve chosen to waste it. To simply sit here and think. Enjoy the sun on my skin. Drink coffee. Cry. Journal. Read a book. Think some more. Repeat.

I’ve picked up my guitar again.

Life is this funny thing.

You’re born, you do a buch of shit, and then you die.

My mind gets blocked sometimes. I want to raise my vibe. And give less fucks about things that don’t matter. Give my energy over to the things that do matter.

My health. My comfort. My bredht and depth of experiences.

I don’t have all the answers. But I think I don’t need them.

Amazed

I’m amazed that my words are reaching people in several places of the world.

When I was a child I would dream of having my thoughts reach others. I would write messages in paper airplanes and throw them out of the window.

I would sometimes look at the sky and ask “Can you hear me?”

And now, thanks to the internet, it’s become so much easier for us all to communicate. To reach each other with our messages.

I want my messages to be of love and hope. Of peace. Of kindness. Of prosperity. Of joy.

But sometimes I have my angry, depressing, weird, abstract rants – as you’ve probably already seen if you’ve followed me for a while.

But they’re not necessarily a message, it’s just me venting out loud. Ya know, reflecting out loud.

Thank you for reading my words.

For adding meaning to my life.

I am more fulfilled because I can share my story and my journey with you.

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