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Reflect Out Loud

"The unexamined life is not worth living." – Socrates

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Reflections

Thought Thread – A Free Write, Sort Of

Thought Thread

Days like these I want to dye my hair purple, get a half sleeve tattoo and say, “fuck you.”

I’ll do it eventually. You’ll see.
Not that you care.

Sometimes I don’t care. I laugh when it’s not funny.

I am angry.
Partially.

At myself. At you. At the world.

I wish I wasn’t an enemy to myself 80% of the time.
My inner critic is off the charts. Stabbing me left and right.
Leaving me a bloody, wounded child.

That’s me being dramatic.

What in the living fuck do I have to complain about anyway?
There are people starving and going through real shit – and here I am, sitting in the comfort of my home sipping a glass of wine complaining about why I feel life has been a little less than kind to me.

What a joke.

Whatever.

I’ve been using the word “whatever” a lot in my writing lately.
Whatever that means.

I’ve come a long way in some ways.
I am proud of myself.
Not always.
But sometimes.

I love myself – sometimes.
I hate myself – most times.

It’s a terrible thing, you know? When you live as your own enemy.

Whatever.

I miss you. And you’re probably okay without me.
I’m okay without you too. But it was nice seeing your name pop up on my phone making me believe you cared.
Whatever.
I’ll just listen to sappy music and sip more wine until you finally fade away.

I don’t understand myself.
I hate what I’m doing but I keep doing it. Because the pain of staying hasn’t yet grown stronger than the pain of leaving…perhaps? That’s what they say, anyway.

I want flat abs, but I eat fried food and chocolate.
I often behave contrary to the results I want.
I get possessed by a side of myself that despite knowing better acts against good sense. Then I beat myself up about it.

I beat on myself all the time.
I’m always waiting outside for me at 3 o’clock. With a bat. And a taser. And 5 other friends.

I’ve been working on it, though.

Whatever.

 

I want to say more of what’s on my mind.
Be raw. Genuine.
Say fuck off more often to the people I just don’t care about.
Stop pretending.
But it’ll probably get me fired. Or excommunicated. Burned at the stake. Or all of the above.

So many of us are so goddamn sensitive.
Ya bunch of sissies.
Myself included sometimes.
Can’t handle an ounce of criticism and I’m all ready to jump off a cliff.

In the ever lasting words of Red Forman…
“dumbass.”

Sigh.

I give too many fucks.
I need to retract about 849598 fucks. Maybe that’ll stabilize me to the point of giving just enough fucks to not be too nice or too mean.

I used to think I was a good writer.
Now I sound like an idiot.

Whatever happened to the poetic side of me?
I haven’t written a poem in a while.

I like country music.

I wonder if this is really good-bye.
Why is there a tiny, little piece of me that thinks otherwise?

I don’t care.
I’ve listened to “Bored” by Billie Elish more times than I can count. On repeat.

I’ve listened to other songs too. And I’ve cried.
I cried because of you.
I cried because of my dissatisfaction with life.

I bought a pack of cigarettes.
I don’t consider myself a smoker.
But every now and then I will buy a pack.

There’s certainly a history of addiction in my family.
And a pervasive pattern of separation.

Guess I’m doomed.

Whatever.

I want to flow with the wind.
Be one with the stars.
Melt into the nothing.

There are moments where I am overtaken by bliss.
Everything is so perfect.

It’s temporary.

Everything is fucking temporary.
Like your morning embrace.
And the fleeting, gentle touch of your lips against mine.

Whatever.
I used to imagine going back in time quite often.
Now I find myself more intrigued with the future.

If I ever get cancer, I will not treat it. I’ll just watch myself die.

Moods are so transient.
I go from one extreme to another.
Then I swim in the in betweens.
I am all over.

How can I make long lasting decisions when my moods are not long lasting and ever changing?

666 is (was) the word count as I start this sentence.

I don’t know where I stand on the subject of God anymore.

I have a very complex idea about it all.

New year, new me, eh?
Fuck clichés.
They annoy me.
Not always.
Sometimes they speak volumes.

I need to be more open minded.
There are still things that bother me.
I think that if something is bothering me than I have not yet come to understand it. If I truly understand something, it shouldn’t bother me, unless I am being preferential.

I think it’s okay to have preferences, though. As long as we’re not spreading hate.

I prefer chocolate over vanilla ice cream. But I don’t have to spread hate against vanilla.

I also think it’s okay to spread hate – as long as we are in a simulated reality program that isn’t ultimately real and we are just having the experience of hate but not spreading hate in reality.

 

Whatever.

 

There’s more I wish to say.
But at the same time I am over it.

I want to be more okay with myself.
With who I am, what I believe and what I like.

I don’t want to dim myself because of you.
Fuck you.
Not in a mean way.

Sigh.

I am not a fixed being.
I am fluid.
I care.
I don’t care.

 

I can’t define myself or my feelings.
Every moment is too different from the next to say I am the same.

I wish I could pause the perfect frame.
At least the perfect frame in my universe while at the same time giving you space to define what’s perfect for your own goddamn self.
Fuck off.

Would I want to stay forever or leave?
What even is forever?
Too many questions with no answers.

It seems like life is about loss.
You lose everything in the end.
But what is the end?
The actual end.

Whatever.

Should I go back and make edits to this or leave it raw and completely vomited as is?

I’ll probably leave it.
(I’ve made some edits)

Who cares.
In a universe that appears to be so big, all of this is practically irrelevant.

I fight myself on my thoughts regarding relevancy and relativity. And it annoys me. Because it’s like one giant god forsaken Rubik’s cube that I can’t ever put together.
So I end up throwing it in a corner in a fit of rage.
Then I’ll pick it up again 2 months later after a drunken night in the city.

Right now I am annoyed.

And sad.
And a little excited.
And a little I’m missing you.

And a little okay.

Quite okay.
Quite alright.

Quite.
Quite the motha fuckin’ soup.

Wow.

How long have I rambled for?

Probably more than I’ll ever be proud of.

This is probably one of those posts I’ll scroll through and pretend it doesn’t exist because sometimes I become embarrassed of myself.
Probably because somewhere along the way I learned that it wasn’t okay to be me.

Whatever. Whatever. Whatever.

Ugh.

Sometimes I want to SCREAM.

Scream so loud and pull my hair.

I’ve done it before.

I’ve done a lot before.

Though at the end of the day, I think I’m a pretty good person.
Like I wouldn’t be able to throw you in a fire knowing full well that I could when it’s all said and done type person.
But why?
Because I want to be perceived as good?
That’s another long topic I don’t care to elaborate on right now.
But my inclination is to think that it’s just fucking stupid to hurt others for my own gain. My inclination is to want to be just fucking dandy without anything or anyone having to do or be anything for my pleasure. I am my own pleasure.
Is that selfish?
I don’t fucking know.
Dammed if you do, dammed if you don’t.
There’s no winning.

Maybe I’m just love sick.
Am I craving your love or my own?

It’s hard to live dependent on externals.

I wouldn’t want to be alone.
I think it’d be nice to sleep hugging each other forever.
Dreaming all sorts of dreams yet knowing we are in actuality just eternally safe in each other’s arms.

BARF.

But fuck it, if I was alone it’d at least be nice to be my own friend.
Kind of like a kid with an imaginary buddy, ya know?

I think I am officially done elaborating on anything any further at this time.

If you’ve read this far, wow, I’m impressed.
I can barely stomach it myself.

But then again I’m probably my biggest hater.
Isn’t that weird?
When did I learn to be mean to my own self? Probably because of you.

Probably. But who knows?

WOW.

 

I think I’ll officially end with, “whatever.”
Because really, fuck it.

What…

ever.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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One Step

Don’t look at the size of the mountain, look only at the first step.

I’ve been feeling so much more at ease compared to my usual frantic-get everything done-do everything now self. I am taking small, consistent steps towards my goals rather than staying stuck while freaking out about how far I still am. I realize that some changes are slower than others. I realize that patience is easiest to achieve when I look at how much I’ve already accomplished and focus on what small action I can take today rather than worry about how much I still need to do.

It’s so refreshing to just focus on today. One moment at a time. One action at a time. Life is so much easier when you release control; when you release trying to work out ALL the details and just allow the day to freely unfold as it gracefully guides you.

Latest Meditations

Meditations:

-You are the one with the answers to your deepest questions. Although you may search for the perspective of others, which can broaden your own, ultimately it is all up to you to decide what is truly best for your path.

-Worrying about the opinions of others makes you insecure and afraid to just stand in your own light. Let it go. Stop worrying about others. Your job is not to make anyone approve of you – your job is to just be and approve of yourself.

-People can’t read your mind. If you want something, say something.

-You have to take action to see results. You can’t just wait around and expect that your dreams will magically fall from the sky. If you want to change something you have to actually take the steps necessary to bring that change into effect. If there is nothing you can do at this very moment, you rest; if there is something you can do at this moment, you do it.

-Complaining drains your energy and doesn’t solve anything. If there is a problem you’re concerned with, focus on the solution. Go straight to the source and express your concerns for the sake of moving forward in a healthy way. Stop wasting energy and time saying the same thing over and over like a broken record.

-Not everyone will like, understand, or accept you. That’s okay. Focus on the people who do. And even if there is no one you can fully count on – count on yourself. You are never alone when you have yourself.

-Be courageous and stand for what you believe in in healthy ways. Kindly and firmly up for yourself. Take actions that will leverage you forward even when they feel scary. Once you begin to move forward you’ll see it’s not so scary – every step will be revealed to you as you move.

-Be patient. Not everything happens instantaneously. Sometimes you have to take one step – wait – one step – wait – one step – wait. Some things are a process. Some things transform faster than others while others may take quite a while. The important thing is that you remain consistent in your part and let the rest fall into place in time.

-Be consistent! You can’t achieve anything great if you do it one day and give up for 5 days. Keep the process. A bucket will eventually overflow when the drips of water are consistent over time.

-Most importantly BE PRESENT. You will miss your whole life if you are running around in your head trying to figure it all out. Be here now. Enjoy this moment. The breeze. The lights. The tastes of food. Whatever it is for you – just experience it. This doesn’t mean “don’t think or analyze at all.” There is a time for everything. There’s a time to think and analyze and figure things out. Thinking steals your life when it’s the only thing you do. Experience your life – don’t be lost in your mind.

-When you feel anxiety breathing deeply really helps. Just focus on your breath and not on anxious thoughts or feelings. Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out. Remind yourself that everything is temporary and that this will pass. Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out. This will pass.

-You don’t have to try to fit in with others when you know you are clearly different. Be who you are and inspire others. It’s okay to be quirky. It’s okay to be you. There’s enough space for every being. There’s enough space for you to shine. Intelligence conspired together to make the atoms that compose your being. Intelligence inherently knows that your unique expression is needed. You are needed. Be who you are even if it’s different from others. Different is okay. No two atoms are the same. That’s what we need. You.

Body, Mind

You feed the body with food. You feed the mind with thoughts.
Good food – healthy body. Good thoughts – healthy mind.

In Love

I am in love.

With something? Someone? An idea?

I can’t quite put a finger on it.

All I know is that somewhere out there there is something that I deeply yearn for.

And don’t go telling me the “love yourself,” blah, blah, blah, story. I’ve loved myself for an eternity and have come to realize that my love is even greater when I share it.

Where are you? What are you? What is it?

 

Aware

I am aware of myself. I am aware of being aware.

I question the motivations behind my actions. When I’m not satisfied with an insight I look deeper into myself to challange my thoughts. I don’t like it when I realize that I am doing things for selfish reasons. Like wearing a sexy outfit to get attention. Then I ask, “What’s wrong with a little attention? Isn’t life supposed to be fun?”

“Is that your idea of “fun”? Being all sexy for attention!?” Says my conscience in a condemning tone.

“Well… Yeah… It’s kinda fun. Looking all spicy and all.”

“Shame on you.”

“Shame on YOU for thinking ‘shame on you’ for something so natural. Do not the peacocks flaunt their feathers?”

 

I can back and forth with similar dialogues in my own mind for hours. An entire drama in my head. I guess  that’s one  way to save money on theatre.

 

 

Silence

Silence is a response. You don’t always have to engage in further conversation. You don’t have to agree or deny. You don’t have to say anything at all.

 

Patience

Every time the universe gently whispers the word “patience” to me, like a frantic child I hold my fingers tightly to my ears and violently yell, “NO! I want it NOW!”

ME:

I ask questions like, “When? When will I finally be where I wanna be? Have what I wanna have? Do what I wanna do?”
“Nonsense!” Says the universe in a playful, loving manner.
“Whoever told you that life is comprised of one single instant where you finally reach some end? That’s not life. There will always be something to get, do and be, since at every moment at the same time you are becoming you are undoing. The moment you are born you are dying; evermore unraveling. You are a process of being, becoming, breaking down, reconstructing, transforming. Relax. Be here now. Enjoy here as you go from instant to instant. Carry the enoughness from the present moment into the next moment and you will unravel gracefully without feeling like NOW isn’t enough as it is. Even if you get everything you want in one moment, the next moment there will be something new to experience. You make your bed and marvel at the neatness. Soon, you undo it to sleep, and repeat the next day. You wipe an army of dust from your work desk. Soon, the dust is right back and you must wipe it again. There’s no end to the process. There is no permanent state of perfection, except in stillness, because life equals movement, and movement equals chaos if not for intelligence. Chaos relies on intelligence to organize and maintain it. You are part of that intelligence. If things become too hectic, your consciousness can flow in and out of stillness as you please. This, in part, is why you sleep. Take it easy on yourself. Breath! Aaaahhhhh – you smell that? That’s life, baby! Enjoy it. Be it. Stop freaking out and going all cray cray trying to be more, have more, do more all at once. Do what you can for right now. Be what you are for right now. Have what you have for right now. Together, we’ll deal with what’s next as it comes. Everything will work out – I promise. Trust, act as necessary, and have PATIENCE!”

Contemplation

“This, too, shall pass.” – Source Unknown 

I remember sitting on this spot earlier this year under the blazing heat of the summer. I pondered my choices and felt utterly lost, without a clue as to where life was headed or what I wanted.  image

Today, as I sit here and contemplate life, I feel more certain – though the wind of uncertainty still caresses my skin every then and again. I realize that it’s ok to be uncertain, even though it’s a horrible feeling to me. Everything passes. All is fleeting.

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