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Reflect Out Loud

"The unexamined life is not worth living." – Socrates

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Reflections

Emotions and Self Love Reflections

For a while I’ve been recording videos to myself about the random shit I think about throughout time — ya know, stuff like my feelings and what the heck am I gonna do with my life.

Sigh. Woe is me.

These videos were never meant to be shared. They were for my purposes. To see myself progress through time and to process my internal dialogue OUT LOUD.

BUT now… here is a compilation for your eyes and ears in blurry, perfectly imperfect quality!

 

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“I sent you a rowboat and a motorboat and a helicopter, what more did you expect?” -God

help

Have I been too busy in my own head that I’m missing  the obvious support being offered to me?

There is a story about a man who drowned because he was waiting for God to save him. He denied the help of the row boat, helicopter, and motorboat that all showed up in attempt to get him out of his predicament. He couldn’t see that right before him lied the answers to his prayer.

There is currently an opportunity being presented to me but part of me is resistant. A part of me wants to say no. Because part of me wants to move in a different direction. 

Am I saying no to the rowboat? 

I don’t know.

“What if I’m wasting my time?”
“Should I be applying my time into what I really rather do instead?”
“What if saying no is me missing out on an opportunity that can really improve my life?”
“Why am I so hesitant?”

What if…
Should I…
Why this, why that…

Oh, the good ol’ games we play in our minds.

 

 


*image credit to truthbook.com

Reflecting… Out Loud

Who has the answers?
Is it you — girl in the corner twirling a charcoal pencil between your fingers, arched over the sketches of portraits in your high waist jeans and blue 1970’s vest draped over a loosely fitted, eggshell button down shirt?

I woke up from a different version of a dream I had during my childhood:
Jesus comes back and I am left behind.

I see an expansive white light cutting through the fabric of space revealing light shaped figures of men in horses. In the moment it was clear what was separate from the light. And I, left behind, on the other side of the light, suddenly struggled with the realization that I was wrong. I chose wrong. As I frantically fought my way through unfamiliar people and objects in attempt to approach the light to plead that “I didn’t know any better,” my awareness beyond the dream state chimed in saying, “This can’t be right. This has to be a dream.”

WTF…

This week I’ve been contemplating “what’s the point?”

Well. That’s actually a common contemplation of mine.

But it’s more often been in the forefront of my mind the question of “What truly is the point of all this and what is the right answer?” If there is no “right” answer, how do I really know that’s true? How much more right is it to say “There is a right answer” vs. “There is no right answer?” when we don’t have ultimate proof of either.

Sigh.

Let’s talk about psychedelic experiences for a moment. 
Are they real? Or are they simply your brain responding to powerful chemicals? Nothing truly mystical or magical here – only your brain having a response to a disruption in its normal neural circuitry which manifests itself in symptoms like disassociation, distorted vision, distorted sense of time,  blended perception of senses, (seeing colors, tasting sounds), visual hallucinations, among others.  
When we have a psychedelic experience are we tapping into some real, alternate realm? Is there REALLY AND TRULY some other dimension where there are beings of forms beyond the earth existing?
Or is it just your brain making these things up in response to a drug and then people come out of it thinking it’s real when it’s just as fake as a Hollywood movie?

What do you make of the works by Alex Grey?

What is true about the nature of reality?
Do the people who promote the law attraction have it right?
Are we really just energy and we can manifest anything we want into our life simply by becoming a vibrational match?
Sometimes these thoughts scare me. Because if this is true, I am fucked. My thoughts can go to some pretty dark places and the last thing I need is to manifest them into reality.

Co-relation does not mean causation.  

Who really knows whats going on here?
Is it the Scientists? The Christians? The Buddhists? The Quantum Physicists?
Can someone please tell me – why? For what am I here? 
Why is there something rather than nothing?

Does this all truly matter in the end? Or is it truly meaningless? 
Which is it?
What even is “the end?” Is there life beyond this?

If I knew, would I be satisfied with the answer? 
How would I know that I know?

How can I truly know something?

I have my basic senses to guide me. But they’re not enough. There is so much that they do not detect. And my intellect is that of a mere, average human. 

Maybe I’ll never know. What if this “I’ll never know” attitude is what stops me from ever digging to find out? 

Why do I even care?

I wish I didn’t.

I wish I was someone who didn’t care.
Someone who could just live their life in peace. Not feeling the need to seek anything. To know anything. 

Someone like the girl in the corner twirling the charcoal pencil between her fingers.

 

 

From NY to Cali

I’m starting my cross country road trip journey from NY to Cali tomorrow, October 6, 2018, at around 6:00 AM.

I’ve been waiting for this day for so many years!

I want to share how I feel about it.

Right now, in this moment, I am surprisingly much less excited about it than I imagined I would be. I’m moving towards my goal of being warm and happy. Shouldn’t I be more excited?

And a part of me is excited.
But another part of me is saying “This is actually kind of stressful.”
Budgeting. Downsizing. Packing what I can manage to fit. Saying bye to people I love. Hunting apartments. Trying to convince landlords that they should trust me even though I have no official job out there yet. Looking for jobs. Having no idea what neighborhoods and people out there are like. Having no friends out there. No family out there (Well, my sister in LA but I’l be in San Diego).

It’s a bit overwhelming when I look at the size of the mountain I’m trying to climb. On the outside it looks cool, you know? “Oh, this girl is just taking her shit and going.” And yeah, it is kinda cool and  yeah it is pretty exciting, but let me tell you – it is also stress and work! It is also me sitting in front of my computer for hours on end looking on Craigslist, apartments.com, Zillow, and asking around for rentals. It’s also seeking and looking for several jobs but receiving rejection letters. It’s also looking at my bank account and trying to be smart with every penny (which is challenging at times for me because I am a spender — Ooh, did someone say Starbucks!?). It’s also having to map out a route (when I suck at maps) and plan rest and lodge areas.

AAAAAH!!!

I keep asking myself – “What the fuck are you doing?”

Truth is – I have no idea. But I do know I want to be in warm weather as I try to figure it all out.

I have so many goals but wonder at times if I will have what it takes to bring them to pass.

I need to calm down. I already want to be at step Z without first going through A and B.

*Breathes*

I’ve found myself to be more anxious during this time.
Having a hard time staying in the moment.

Then I try to calm myself and talk down my crazy.

I whisper to myself saying:

“Be here now, you glorious badass. Enjoy this moment right now. Don’t take life so seriously. Play with life. Have fun! Enjoy this moment. Enjoy this opportunity. Why are you fretting? It’s going to work out just fine. You don’t have to figure your whole life in a day. You’re fine. It’s fine. It’s all fine. Be excited for this journey! It is going to offer you all the good things you’re looking for. But first, just relax and take it one moment at a time. You got this. I know you do.”

And then I breathe. And then I relax.

And even just writing this put me less in that anxious vibe and more in that hopeful, excited vibe.

 

I still haven’t exactly planned my route to Cali (and I leave in like 6 hours – LOL!) I’m just going to figure it out as I go because I am the world’s WORST planner EVER. The rough draft looks like I’m going to head towards West Virginia as my first destination on the trip and figure out lodging there as well as destination number 2, which I think will be Nashville, Tennessee. 

I guess that’s some kind of plan!

Luckily I have a friend who is tagging along for the ride, and two brains are better than one!

We’ll see what happens. Wish me luck!

Peace.

 

 

 

*image credit to google images… that I then juxtaposed using a collage maker 🙂

8/27/2018 First Morning Thoughts

I just woke up around 11:08 AM. I slept a lot and dreamt a few dreams that right now I vaguely remember. And this below are the first thoughts that came through me upon awakening:

I have my own agenda and I don’t think that’s evil.

I have my own interests and I don’t think that’s bad.

I hold my own space and that is not bad.

I am here too.

I deserve too.

I have rights too.

My needs matter too.

My wants matter too.

And that is not a selfish thing, that is a natural right of being.

It is not selfish to take care of myself. 

It is not selfish to say “Hey, I have needs and I want to take care of them” and not by anyone’s expense but through the natural order of things. 

I belong too.

I matter too. 

My thoughts, my feelings, my opinions matter too. And they don’t have to matter to you, like yours don’t need to matter to me. I’ll respect yours and I ask that you respect mine, and that is all. 

 

 

*image credit to enchantingminds.net

No Attachment

I’ve been practicing this new way of being. I am not attaching to my thoughts as often as I used to be, especially not the negative ones.

My mind is usually going on and on about anything and everything. Analyzing, criticizing,  fantasizing all kinds of scenarios, breaking things apart, putting them back together, accessing memories from years back and entertaining ideas about their meanings, projecting myself into the future, rubik’s cubing all the possible scenarios to manipulate outcomes, interpreting external cues and data, attempting to make sense of it all, wondering if I’m being perceived okay and if I fit in or not, worrying about rejection and doom, catastrophizing, rationalizing, compartimentalizing, all over the placealizing, and boy, let me tell you, it’s exhausting!!!

And: #ain’tnobodygotimefordat

I have to LET THIS WAY OF BEING GO!

I don’t live in real time when I live like this. I live in the mind. Lost in a story. Lost in thoughts that are usually negative.

No. No. No. No more!

I want to simply exist. Let whatever thoughts cross my mind but not latch on to them like they’re reality. They’re just thoughts. They are NOT TRUTH.

I don’t have to entertain whatever chatter pops up in my head. Ideas have no power over me unless I start to entertain, accept, attach and believe them. Fuck that noise.

I want to live HERE and PRESENT. Not in some limiting bullshit ass story that is running in my mind.

Nope. Unsubscribe from that party!

——

I’m not yet fully versed in this new way of being yet, though. I’m a newbie at it.

But even as a newbie it’s helping me so much already. I am working on my mental health like I am working on my physical health. My mind is a muscle that I can train just like I can train my body. And I want to train it to serve me, rather than be a servant to it’s loose ramblings.

 

Wish me luck! And good luck to those of you out there practicing the same. You’re a badass and I love you!

❤️

 

Random Late Night Thoughts

At any point you have the power to steer your thoughts. So when they start saying negative shit, just steer it the other  way. Reframe it.

It feels better to think better, even if it seems like a delusion to choose the better thought.
Do I have all the facts? No.
So might as well live happy if at the end of the day I have no control because I don’t actually know any better.
Who cares?
It’s all fine in the end.
So chill, baby girl.
Chill!
Enjoy the ride.
Don’t get caught up in sad stories.
Fuck that.
It’s time for a revolution 🤘🏼

Another one of those free writes

This is a complete raw and unedited version of whatever is on my mind at this moment…

Speaking up for myself and defending my feelings is not something I’m about to apologize for.

Enough.

Enough of your wishy-washy, bullshit attitude I’ve so long stood for and perhaps even enabled every time I smiled and said “it’s fine” when it really wasn’t fine.

But enough on that topic.

Here’s what I’m learning:

No attachment is salvation from suffering. Or at least it helps with the pain of loss.

No one belongs to anyone. No one owns anyone. Or any-THING, for that matter.

No one person can meet all my needs. And I shouldn’t expect anyone, or anything to do so.

What a burden I’ve been putting on the world. Expecting it to fill me.

Now I understand more clearly what they’ve taught me at church – that only “God” can fill me.

And my understanding of this is that it’s not an external thing, achievement, person, event, award, whatever that is going to give me fulfillment – but it’s my own being and my own knowing and connection to life despite it all that will provide a sense of filling.

Also realizing that pain is inevitable and that I should welcome and hold space for it.

Learning to hold space for ALL of me.

The good, the bad and the hideous.

 

Don’t judge these words too harshly. These are the thoughts coming through me which I’m blindly putting on display.

I’ll speak on all this more thoughtfully in a future moment.

 

 

Conflicting Parts

I find myself playing tug of war with myself.
There’s a part of me who wants to be this prissy polished person. This is the version I see played out by people whose perfect French manicures rest gently over a Louis Vuitton bag with its smooth surface falling second only to their Kim K level contouring. This is the version of me that the wild hair, no makeup, nature loving part of me scorns at. It’s the part that the badass, black wardrobe, mosh pit loving part of me laughs at.
I am in conflict. What kind of person do I want to be? How do I want to show up in the world? And why?
Do I want to go to the nail salon and dye my hair all the time for the sake of keeping up with the Kardashians? Or do I want to be this free spirit, natural vibe hippie who doesn’t even know what a Kardashian is — “Is that some type of nut?”
Do I want to be a badass rebel with tattoos all over my body, pink hair and careless attitude?
Do I want to be more serious, wearing suits and working a 9-5?
I don’t know. I feel like I resonate to an extent to all of these characters. And that picking just one would be sad. Like I’d be denying myself of the other.
Maybe I can find a healthy balance.
Maybe I can find a way to embrace all the conflicting parts of me instead of forcing myself to pick one character and stick to that and only that. I find myself to be a little of everything. Which sometimes annoys me because it’d be so much easier if I was just one type of person and could ride out that one single identity for the rest of my life.
Ugh.
More on this conflict some other time.

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