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Reflections

Love

Love is an incredible drug

Once I have it I’m so afraid to lose it

and if I give it, sometimes I fear it’ll be rejected

so at times I withhold it… because if I admit I love you, really love you, then I am vulnerable. I’ve given my power away.

You love me now, but will you love me tomorrow?

I think about how time takes everything away… and eventually we say good bye to everything in this material world

Everything is borrowed. Temporary. Here and then not here.

Ain’t that some shit?

But that’s also a very limiting perspective of what the possibilities really are. So don’t let my cynicism bring you down.

Have you ever watched the movie, “What dreams may come”?

Perhaps life is more romantic than I think it is.
Perhaps it’s more magical than I allow it to be.
Perhaps it’s more beautiful than the jaded part of me allows me to see.

Anyway…

I don’t wanna be cynical and negative
and keep complaining to you like I always do

But I wanted to vent a little bit…

Other things I’ve been reflecting on:
“We’re all walking each other home” a quote I’m heavily resonating with.

We need to get our shit together.
The “they” and “them” we keep waiting to do something about our problems is me and you.

It’s up to us to stir this ship in the direction we wish it to go.

Older generations dying off – and we are the leaders of today’s world.

We are the doctors, the teachers, the janitors, the law makers, the jail keepers, the deli clerk, the guy in the corner asking for a dollar — it’s us. This is it and this is us. This is our planet in the condition that it’s in. Thank you for all you do.

Thank you for the roads, they get us to and from places.
Thank you for the food you planted: we can just easily choose them in our abundant markets. Thank you for the water in my pipes. Thank you for pizza. For electricity. For my iPhone. For the music you make.

You’re all incredible.

Room for improvement? Yes. Complaining isn’t enough. We have to DO something about it. Taking accountability and with loving kindness, compassion, order, justice and with virtue construct what we wish to see.

Ego, tame it.

I’m sorry goes a long way. Be willing to accept you’re not perfect either. Be willing to take accountability for your side and part of the equation. We’re all human and make mistakes. Forgive. Heal. Let go. Move on. Restore.

What’s the point of creating suffering for each other? It’s much better if we’re having fun. If we’re healthy. If we are using our brain power for good. To have an awesome and lovely party here on our beautiful planet Earth. Walking each other through the days that unfold.

Be kind

Have patience

Plant good seeds

Let’s take care of each other

——

also,

I think I’m in love.

And I’m excited and scared all at the same time

but what I really want most is to trust

trust the process

trust life

and maybe to believe in God again

a good God

One that truly cares about all and is for all, even the naughty ones in the bunch – without judgement

just love

Pure love

——

oh,

I think I also want a baby. Lol

absurd! I never thought I’d say that

but first, I’m more focused on building security

and finding myself, my voice, and be more ingrained and aligned in my work.

Maybe I’ll adopt.

but honestly who knows… I can die tomorrow for all I know (here’s my cynicism again 😩). I can be so dark sometimes but also so light — it’s annoying to hold both these energies. Can’t I just be normal? Can’t I just be a normal person who doesn’t think so much and feel so much? Is that what normal even is?

ok I’m done

If you’re reading this, wow

you’re the real MVP

I’ve always dreamt of having people read my words 🥹

you’re a dream come true

thank you

I love you

^ I don’t even know you, how can I say I love you

I don’t know, I think I just do


Hurt

I’ve been so hurt before.

And I could point at the world and say “You. It’s your fault.”

I could point at life and say “You. It’s your fault.”

Or I could point at me and say “Me. It’s my fault. For not being mature enough. For letting my emotions rule me. For allowing such things as ego to run me. For allowing my attachments to get the best of me. For not knowing how to let go. For not knowing how to surrender. To be okay in the face of what is. To accept that not everything goes my way. And that there are things that I don’t like. And if I can help them, great. And if not, it’s okay.”

I don’t know. I’m still trying to figure it out.

All I know is that I want to heal. And I want not to be ruled by my emotions. Especially not the destructive ones. I want to live awake. Live consciously. But most of all, live happily, freely, abundantly, peacefully, connctectedly and in love.

Another one of those…Wait for it… Free Writes. Bahaha

Hi. It’s me… again…

Talkin’ bout some shit.

Some real shit. My shit. My bullshit.

Sorry for being vulgar. I didn’t mean to disrespect. I’m just letting what comes to my mind out for you to see.

There is so much I want to tell you but I don’t even know where to begin.

I’ll start by telling you what I’m doing.
Well, writing this, obviously. But I’m also listening to Joel Osteen.

Bringing me back. Back to those days where I “knew” Jesus.

And I put “knew” in quotes because I don’t think I ever really knew him like I know now.
Well, not “know” cuz I don’t know shit.

Which brings me to my other point.

Look, I don’t know what the fuck we’re doing here. Why am I here? What’s the point? I don’t get it.

And if I could get it – meaning if it were possible to KNOW – truly KNOW. Would I want to know? Would it make any difference? Then what? What do we do then? Continue watching Netflix like it’s an average fucking day?

What would happen if  I were to shoot myself in the face. Would it matter? Sorry for being dark. I don’t mean to scare you. I’m just saying why does it matter if I live or die? Really? If there is no point then who cares. You’re all gonna die anyway and it’s gonna be nothing and nothing is gonna matter, so why you getting your panties in a knot about me wanting to shoot myself now?

Not that I do want to. Though I’ve thought about it. Just because there are days where I don’t care.

Although I do care.

Most of the times.

Anyway, enough of this dark bullshit.

I am the happiest I’ve ever been.

And also confused as fuck.

I’m trying to do all these big things but it’s hard to know where to start and then I psyche myself out and become overwhelmed.

Then I cry about it. Complain about it. Read about it. Write about it.

Tell myself not to give up. Take it one day at a time.
Ya know, casual pep talk.

I’m trying to tackle the big fucking questions.

I have this crazy theory about God being good and in control of all things but also not in control. It’s this paradox.

I have these crazy thoughts about heaven. And hell. And the devil.

I like the devil. I probably have mentioned this here somewhere before. Or maybe not, I can’t recall.

But not the devil in terms of evil, even though I believe there is a place for everything – including evil.

The devil in terms of the dude who had courage to stand up to God and be like, SUP? I want a piece of this shit. Why we all gotta do what you say? Why can’t I just do my own thing. Why you getting all upset? Why do you wanna hog the whole chair and not let anyone else sit on it? Why are you being greedy for? Why are you trying to send me to some fiery pit just because I don’t agree with you? Why can’t we just get along? Why can’t I do me and you do you? Why it always gotta be your way? I get it. Cool. Your way is sick, bro. You got some amazing things going on here and it’s all beautiful and perfect, but why cant I just go over here and do what I want? What if I don’t want this bullshit? What if  I wanna, I dunno… maybe smoke some weed and fuck bitches? Hahaha, just kidding. I don’t really want to, but maybe I do and if I do why you gotta get all upset about it? We’re all in agreement here. I’m not taking anyone’s will like you’re taking mine. WTF. Is this love? Is this what you call love? This possessive, aggressive shit? And then you got the balls to act like I’m the one who’s trying to take people over and make them do things they don’t really want to? I dunno, man. I dunno. Something’s not quite right about this. You want to fight about it and create this whole war and act like I’m the bad guy when all I ever asked was just to be free. To be free to be me. To be free to be you, with you, I dunno, whatever. I don’t even know what I’m saying anymore. I’m getting so confused. But I really don’t want to hurt you and I don’t want to be hurt either. I don’t wanna hurt people and places and things. I would rather not even exist. I didn’t ask to be here, did I? When did I ask to be here? Did you make me? You made me right? Don’t you know everything? Aren’t you “GOD.” I’m sorry for disrespecting you by putting your name in quotes and shit, but really, aren’t you supposed to know EVERYTHING? And if so, didn’t you know that this is who I’d be? And if so why are you trippin’? You fucking made me this way. Why? So you could throw me into some fiery pit? Ain’t that some fucked up shit? It is if you ask me. But what do I know? I’m just some evil mother fucker for having an opinion, I guess. Look. I just want this fight to be over so we could all be at peace and I could just go on about my business and like not give a fuck.
Or I dunno. I don’t know the point of all this. I’m tired. Yeah I wanna have fun and see the sun and do things and listen to music, but whatever I could do without it at the end of the day, really. I’m just cool with not existing, honestly. Cuz then it doesn’t matter. Nothing matters, really. Not even you. But I want to not exist on my own terms. Which is some crazy thought. So crazy to think about a life without you. Without me. Without anything. But only for me, ya’ll can continue to do whatever ya’ll want. I dunno. Maybe we could have both. Maybe we could have something beautiful. Something beyond belief. Something so beautiful we’re trippin’ out ourselves, like WHAT THE FUCK, dude, this is amazing. Like I can’t even believe it type thing. I dunno. Now I’m just talkin’ shit. Talkin’ out loud. Which is how this whole thing started anyway. Okay. That’s enough. I’m gonna go on about my day and be a fucking human. And do whatever humans do. This human. My human. you.

WHOA.

what the fuck. I dunno what that was.
I mean, I do. Those are my goddam thoughts. Out loud, bitches. For you to see.

For you to hear. For you to do whatever you want with it. I guess. I’m scared. I’m scared something really bad is going to happen to me. And that I can’t avoid it. And that would suck. for me. But I really hope nothing bad happens. Because all I want is love. All I want is peace. All I want is to be happy. And I want that for you too. I would never hurt you. I mean, I probably would because honestly I’m evil and I’m not ashamed when I’m in my ego and really want to destroy everything and everyone including myself. But that’s fucked up. And it’s stupid. And it’s just angry and dumb. And I’m over it. I just know that I would never in my right mind ever want to hurt anyone on purpose for good. Because I wouldn’t want that to be done to me. And sure, it’s selfish to say that I wouldn’t do it to you only because I wouldn’t want it to be done to me. But that’s the truth, man. I don’t want that. And if I don’t want it why would I want that for you? Only if I was some real evil motherfucker who didn’t give a fuck and who just truly didn’t care. And maybe I don’t care. But not to that extent. Not to that level. But, that’s just me though.

Okay. I’m going to end this here because it’s gotten out of control and it’s a sick mess.

But I’ll tell you where it’s coming from.
It’s coming from these roots that were instilled in me at a very young age about good, evil. heaven, hell, right, wrong, bla bla bla. I’m just trying to get to the root of it, heal it, and have a good life. I’m tired of hearing people tell me I’m going to hell. Or that anyone is going to hell. Fuck that. But seriously, guys, I don’t want there to be a hell. That shit’s wack.

okay. bye.

whatever.

I’m going to leave this unedited.

(Minus a few spelling mistake I caught in the original… and this sentence)

Endings

Everything comes to an end. Everything.

It’s all temporary.

And learning to manage all these changes is a bitch. No sooner do we form an attachment do we have to let go.

Let go of friendships. Places. People. Status. Things. Youth. Life itself.

Sometimes we never know when the end will come. It happens abruptly. Other times it’s a slow fade.

But either way it is enevitable.

I’m bringing this to awareness not so much to sulk about change, loss and endings but more so to learn to truly appreciate every moment.

To learn to build maturity around attachment. To learn to have healthy coping mechanisms around endings. To learn to freely let go without a fight, without scrambling to hold on.

Every moment is anew, nothing is ever the same. Everything is change and I accept it with love.

 

Another One Of Those Free Writes

I don’t know what to say… I just know I want to say…something.

I’m sitting here. Feeling blocked. Craving for those juicy moments where I feel OPEN, CONNECTED, INSPIRED.

UGGGGHHHH….

Maybe another glass of wine oughta do it.

I doubt myself SO much. SO DAMN much.
I doubt my intelligence. Always have to double, triple check myself.

I feel like my throat chakra is blocked.

Or maybe I just feel like complaining.

I’m due for my period any day now…

Right now my energy is all over the place. I am annoyed but I’m comfortable. I am sad but I am content.

I know better… I really do.

I’ve been here before… it comes and it goes.

I have work tomorrow but I don’t want to go. There’s a big part of me that wants to call out. But I won’t.

I don’t think.

I’m leaving work soon… starting the path to creating a life I love.
I’m excited. Nervous as fuck.

But it’s all good. I think it’s all going to be just fine.

Manifestation.

I’m creating some BIG things…

And still going through my shit. Naturally.

But I am happy.

But I am also a little sad right now.
It comes and goes.

No words of wisdom for you today.

Just more of my bullshit.

 

Coming Together

Little by little things are coming together.

Although there are parts that are still taking their sweet ass time to fall into place.

So I learn patience.

I learn not to give up just because things get hard. I learn that there is reward in baby steps. I learn to keep curious about what comes next.

I’m trying to work out the master plan right now.

Which has been kind of annoying because for the longest time I feel like I’m constantly on the go, go, go – do, do, do. And it’s like when can I just sit here, be a potato, and do nothing??

I’m a lot like my mom, though. Can’t sit still for very long. I gotta be on the move. Getting shit done or else I feel like I’m wasting time. I’m addicted to productivity.

I like being this way. I just need to chill out a tad. Let go of all this pressure to be, do, get, have all the time.

Which brings me to a thought I had earlier…

So I bought a new mattress and bed frame for my new apartment. I placed the mattress in the corner, adorned it in bedsheets and pillows for the evening and set aside the frame for me to build the next day.  Then it dawned on me, maybe I don’t even need the bed frame at all.

I thought to myself, “Why can’t I just keep the mattress on the floor as is? It actually doesn’t look too bad and I’d save money on the bed frame.”

Then a responding thought surfaced. “Wouldn’t it be embarrassing if I had someone over my house and they saw that I only slept on a mattress? I should probably just keep the bed frame.”

Thoughts like these piss me off when I become aware of them.

Because in me there is this belief that I need MORE (because the mattresss alone isn’t good enough) in order to feel like I’m doing things “right.” So that people could see that I have it “together.” And that my bed is “proper” and that everything is in order so please approve of me, love me, and maybe even envy me.

 

WHAT THE FUCK.

 

These are my thoughts, guys.

These are the types of thoughts that play through my head.

May it be displayed for all to see.

But may it also be known that I am attempting to transcend the bullshit. So I can come to a place where I really and truly do things for ME without feeling like I need to do them in order to keep up with society and what’s expected of me.

May I find TRUE happiness. May I learn to be true to myself without shame.

May I be able to be fully human and embrace all of me – farts, pimples, weird pinky toe nail, and mattress without frame…

 

(Though I’m keeping the frame… lol… for now).

 

Vague Ramblings

I feel like I’m caught in this weird limbo where I’m not too old school and I’m not too new school.

I’m some mixture of rotary phones, AOL, Spice Girls, Backstreet boys and when Snicker bars were still 50 cents type era combined with some of today’s millennial spice.

What the fuck am I going to do with my life? That’s my current meditation.

I came out to Cali for the weather… and yeah it’s been pretty nice… but it could be better.

I keep looking at Florida weather and it’s looking really nice right now.
I am a 75 degrees and sunny typa gal.

I like to feel the sun on my skin.

I can’t stand the cold.

I’m liking the properties out in Texas.
Big. Modern. Luxury. CHEAP.
But at night it’s looking pretty cold. And I hear summers are brutal.

I want warm, beautiful, and cheap.

On a side note. Fuck my job.

Working 40+ hours a week doing a job that I hate IS NOT how I’m going to write my story. I can’t do it, man. Shoot me in the face if that’s how it’s going to be.

“It’s only temporary” is the mantra that’s getting me through.

 

I like to drink coffee throughout the day. It’s my addiction.

I’m also addicted to thinking about the past. And the future. And imagined scenarios in my head.

I’m looking for new apartments in San Diego.

But I’m trying to find what is worth me staying here… because so far I don’t see much. I can get warmth in Florida, plus cheaper property – so what the fuck am I gonna stay here for?

I came here for the warmth. And it’s not even that warm right now.
It’s not New York City cold, not even close – but it hasn’t been as warm and sunny on most days right now either.

Greg. That is one of my reasons to stay.

My goal is to find a place I am fairly happy with and give Cali a fair shot.

I’m still trying to figure it all out.

I haven’t written a poem in a very long time.

But here are these vague ramblings…
My complaints. My humanness.
My less than glamorous thoughts out loud for you to see.

Mirror

It’s amazing how in restrospect you can see your shit reflected back at you.

Someone asks you a simple question, and instead of giving a neutral and clear response, you come from a place of defense, of trying to justify. Simply because that question triggered a fear, an insecurity, or threatened the ego in some way.

Truth

I don’t know what the truth is. I think that’s what scares me.

I don’t really know why I’m here.

Or what the point of all this is.

I have theories. Ideas. Strong beliefs. But no absolute certainty. No true knowledge. No REAL absolute, undeniable, unarguable  fact.

I don’t want to end up in suffering.

I want to end up in peace.

and I wish I knew for certain that the destination is peace.

So I don’t have to worry now.

So I don’t have to fear.

So I don’t have to wonder.

Or doubt.

 

Is there life after death?

What even is death, really?

How could the living speak on an experience they haven’t had?

Too many questions and no real answers.

Whatever though.

There’s so much going on in the world. What’s really going on? Does anybody know? Or are we all in for a big surprise?

Could it be true that life’s a magical place filled with wonder and that something truly beautiful awaits us? All of us?

Could it be that it’s all a matter of time before it all makes sense and we can fall into the arms of bliss?

I don’t know.

Or maybe it never ends up making sense.

I don’t know.

Whatever.

 

 

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