The dream feels so much better than the reality.
And as a dreamer, I just want to live in the fantasy.
I want to live in the Ether.
I want to be in the lightwave.
This morning I was walking the neighborhood towards the beach,
The temperature felt perfect.
The air felt sweet and filled deeply in my lungs.
I felt a juicy sense of peace.
“This.” I thought. This is how we are meant to be feeling.
Not rushing around trying to make ends meet.
Not feeling like we are worried about resources,
afraid we won’t have money.
We are meant to be LIVING.
We are meant to be provided for because the Earth already provides all we need.
The Earth grows our food freely.
The Earth grows the resources we need for our homes.
The Earth gave us the animals,
it gave us EACH OTHER.
We should be caring for each other.
Working as a way to contribute to our well-being and good.
WTF is all this extra non-sense?
I’m not having it.
We can be so dulled down by the way society has beaten us into a reality we may not be that excited to wake up to.
We are doing it.
We should live with deep sighs of relief. With peace in our hearts. With health pulsating through our bodies. Yet we are tense, afraid, rushing, stressed. WTF is that about?
We should have time for each other. Time for our babies. Time for simply living. Our energy is so poorly allocated. We are working to raise money to pay rent which is a never ending cycle when the Earth has already provided the materials but capitalism won’t stop running you down. It infuriates me.
I know something is off here. And I am going to do something about it. Even if it’s just write you this message. “Alone we can do so little, together we can do so much.”
There’s probably 7,000 different topics I could write about tonight. I’ll start with talking about the stars. They looked especially beautiful tonight. The air felt crisp. The moon is getting chubbier.
I just want to melt into the ether in full surrender of this grand mystery. Just TAKE ME AWAY in a cosmic swoop into eternal bliss.
For a moment I wondered if you could see the moon too. And that maybe we, for a moment, could still be connected again.
There are some moments where I am so filled with ecstasy it’s like I’m an ocean — no, a galaxy!
And then there are moments when getting out of bed feels like an impossible task. I don’t want to be bothered with existence. I don’t want to be bothered being human.
Some of the things we do as humans makes me want to roll my eyes so far back that I accidentally swallow them. Some of the things we do are so bad that I don’t even wanna get caught up identifying as human. I am ashamed of us, of myself. Ashamed of my humanity. And also in love with it at the same time.
Two opposing truths can exist simultaneously.
Maybe this will turn out to be a pointless post. I am tired. Does anyone else feel tired?
I sometimes hate that I come here to share my woes. The world doesn’t need any more complainers. But this is my space where you can see all the other sides of me. Not the polished, not the pretty. Not the one who has figured it out.
I thought it was real but it was just reality smacking me in the face… again. How many times must one be smacked in the face before waking up? Apparently 1,467.
I am trying with every fibre of my being to not become apathetic. To continue to believe in magic even when I cannot see it. To refuse to bend to this world of zombies working for a paycheck when work is meant to be for having-ness sake. No other species pays to live on the planet. Yet we’ve sold ourselves to something that isn’t even real.
I don’t want blabber on too long today.
Do you believe in manifestation? I did when I saw you walk into the room. I did when you said hello. I did when you told me to call you.
So where did I go wrong?
I am being asked to wait, but I don’t wanna.
I want everything to happen all at once.
What a babe.
The excitement is in the not knowing. The adventure is about the unraveling. The mystery. The challenges. The pain along the way that can teach you all you need to know about pleasure.
Gahh… I feel a million things in one. But this is what makes this all exciting.
I’ve had this pattern of rushing for a long time. I am learning to slow down. To be more gentle. To delay gratification. To think a little longer before answering. I am also learning to honor my own speed. I am my own person. I am on my own journey. I want to honor this journey without trying to force the fruit before it’s ready. This is no easy task. Especially when you’re caught in a terrifying storm you want nothing but to pass. Yet the way is the way.
But, man, do I wish I was just a little further along.
This is coming from that pouty, rebellious teen ager within me who keeps asking “are we there yet??”
It’s all good though. I have to trust that life knows the way. It knew to make my heart a heart, my hand a hand, and intelligently organize this entire experience without my own doing… I suppose it probably knows a thing or two — don’t ya think?
I once saw a post on TikTok where someone said “Ok, but does the process know we are trusting it??” LOL.
We’re told to trust the process. But what does the process have in store for us? Could be good, could be not good. Could just be a bunch of meh.
I hear that the path is more about the internal journey than the external. It’s more about being okay with what IS vs frustrated over what isn’t. Have you heard of Michael Singer? Best selling author of “The Untethered Soul.” I tell everyone to read this book. It’s been by far the most transformative in helping me relax with what is vs fighting with reality. This doesn’t mean we don’t take actions to improve the experience, it just means it doesn’t come from a place of fighting the experience.
SIGH.
I am excited and bored all in one.
I am clear and lost all at the same time.
I am ecstatic and apathetic in the same instant.
I am both.
I am here and not here.
But I am here.
Passing.
Passing passing. Look. I have just passed from that moment to this moment. And I will keep on passing. Passing. Passing. Passing.
GAHHHHH.
What to prioritize? Do I sell it all and run? Run to Thailand and ask my crush to come along? Do I stay put and chip away at day to day life with a good routine that sets me up for success?
WHAT MATTERS?
I don’t know.
I’m trying not to get carried away but I’m already on Mars.
In my mind we already have babies, a large kitchen where the bread is delightfully baking in the oven, and fresh eggs from our very own chickens. I don’t even want kids, but this is where my fantasy is taking me today.
I could see you chopping wood for our fire. I could see you happily repairing little things around the home and I am just so proud of you. Mmmm. Life feels peaceful, soft, safe.
I want to melt deeper into softness. I want to be gentle with myself. I don’t want to rush anywhere. I don’t want to live in fear or lack. I want to feel abundant. Abundant in love, joy, health, peace and the presence of God – even if God is just a figment of my imagination– I want this all loving, all encompassing energy to have a home in my body. I want to see beauty all around. Flowers. Butterflies. The smell of fresh grass. I want to bring love to all I do. I want to bring love to you. I want to hear you talk for hours without ever interrupting you. I want to respect you. To trust you. To feel happy with you.
What does it take to bring this vision to life? Is it something that just happens naturally or something you consciously create? A mixture of both?
I suppose you need a willing partner. A partner who evokes this type of vibration in you. It isn’t forced. It isn’t fake. It isn’t “trying” to make something work. It just IS aligned. It is real. It is happening. It is true.
And I don’t know that I’ve found you yet.
Just because someone is magnetically attractive, their smile and eyes make you want to melt and their pheromones make you want to strip away your clothes, doesn’t mean they’re a good fit for you as a life partner. For a relationship to work, there needs to be more than attraction. Attraction can only go so far. There also needs to be shared values, genuine care, emotional availability, maturity, mutual effort, reciprocity, respect and compatibility.
When the spark happens with someone it’s as if you become drunk by a delicious cocktail of hormones that can easily blur your vision of what the reality is. For a romantic like me this hypnotic delirium can be even worse. Suddenly I’m in wonderland. Suddenly I’m in heaven.
But you can’t actually get to heaven with just anybody. No sooner or later the reality hits. The person is unavailable, chaotic, addicted, troubled and always late. You start to see the red roses are actually red flags. This is when attraction alone becomes dangerous. When you’re staying, analyzing, trying and hoping the person will be who you wish they could be. Wishing they would match the fantasy. Forcing a square peg in a round hole.
This is why love is not enough.
Love is beautiful. And you deserve it deeply and fully.
But what’s also important is all the other attributes that make a relationship a complete package.
It has to be both love and it also has to work. There has to be more substance.
So if you’re connecting to someone right now who you know isn’t a fit — listen to that! Don’t force what isn’t right because you’ll waste your time and get hurt along the journey.
I know we can’t help it sometimes. The drug is too strong. But SOBER yourself up enough to realize that for a relationship to work there has to be more than only attraction. Just because someone is cute isn’t enough. Just because someone has a nice body and you connect well in bed for a few hours (or minutes even!) 👏 that is not enough 👏!!
Hello 👏
👏 Snap out of this hypnosis 👏
Wake up! Wake up! Wake up!
Attraction is NOT enough
I’ve been day dreaming of all the things we could do…
Like have a family and a homestead with a couple of chickens.
I could be playing in our beautiful, spacious kitchen and you could be walking up behind me with a tender hug. Our mornings could be gentle, our days peaceful, our hearts full, our lives abundant.
We could take off on a whim. We could stay up all night laughing. We could play music, dance, sing and talk for hours on end. We could challenge each other to grow. We could inspire each other to be our best. I could kiss your forehead in the morning, bring you breakfast in bed.
We could travel to big cities. Swim naked in Colombia. Fly to Italy to see your family and drink wine until we’re happy drunk. We can learn Italian words as we galavant through cobblestones. Eat pasta, pizza, cannoli and tiramisu. “Would you like another drink?” “Sì, per favore!”
We could make our way to Thailand to meditate and practice yoga. We could eye gaze until the inner walls come down and all that’s left is love. We could explore the temples, trek through jungles, Island hop, peruse the local markets for authentic Thai food and a little trinket for our memories.
We could return back home and off we go back into the road. We could sleep underneath the stars. We could read books while resting on each other softly. We can go to festivals. Solve puzzles. Play chess. Squeeze each other’s bottoms in passing.
We could have it all.
But you won’t even text me.
This thing called love: it is real.
I know. I’ve felt it. It’s like I want to merge with you.
One minute I’m at yoga, the next I’m in your bedroom.
But is it love or is it lust? Now I don’t even know. Is love more like the thing that endures it all than it is this deep, burning desire to merge? Is love more about enduring the struggles, the pains, the mundane, the grumpy passive aggressive comment because you’re older and now your back aches? Is love not the sweaty, hot and heavy passionate kisses and ravishing embraces that just makes you want to be swallowed by someone else’s soul? Is that a different type of love? Or is it all part of the same package? I don’t know.
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