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reflectoutloud

About me pages always make my mind go blank, which is ironic because there's really so much to say. I guess what stumps me is where do I start? Here are the basics: They named me Laura. They, meaning my parents, who were never married but mingled in 1988 in the country of Brazil, where little me was born. I grew up in New York City among a melting pot of cultures, smells, and hustle. I've learned to be a go-getter, thinker, intuitive, lover of life, peace maker, and coffee enthusiast - among other things. I like to write. I've been keeping a journal since my early teenage years. I created Reflect Out Loud to simply share whatever is on my mind in whatever style that comes up for me. I try to let whatever I put out here be free flowing. I simply want to share my thoughts out in the open. But to simplify this about me: I am a human, having a human experience. I have a story, just like you have a story. And some of that story you'll see here. Um... I guess that's pretty much all I have for now. Big love, Laura

Greener

Is the grass greener where you water it? Or is the other side really gonna be better?

I feel like I’ve gone in a big circle
Only to arrive at the same place, almost empty handed

From here it feels like I can still go anywhere
But where to now?

What do I really want?
What actually matters?
Who am I?
Who do I want to be?
What do I want to do?

I don’t know if I want to settle here, or break everything down to go elsewhere.
Perhaps travel and just go where my soul desires.

Should I chase more experiences?
Or stay focused and build solid assets I could rely on in the future?

A mixture of both?

Do I go live in a car for a couple of months and just explore around?
Do I go to Bali and just figure it out from there? Get a yoga certification? Do a silent retreat and heal all my wounds?

Or do I stay put and become more of a power player? Generate more cash, get some land/real estate and settle down for a bit before traveling on?

Do I stop being reasonable and have wild experiences? Just call you at 7 P.M to come over and sneak into your bedroom?

Do I stay a good girl — stop fantasizing about nonsense and just be in one relationship, get married, get the house, get the car and just live a wholesome life with a maxed out ROTH IRA, contributing to the 401k, some stocks and the real estate investment increasing in value?

Do I break up with my partner and then just go on a wild soul search, spend time alone, finally write a book, cry alone every evening and put all my energy into growing a YouTube channel?

Do I release all control and let life surprise me?

Do I let a little more time pass before I make any decisions?

Do I try to do a little bit of everything without making too many extreme choices?

I dunno….

What is it all for anyway?

What’s the point anyway?

What matters anyway?

Is the way we feel more important than the stuff we gain?
Or is being actualized in BOTH feeling and external reality the TRUE crème de la crème?

I gotta be honest with you, I want both.

I want to feel fulfilled internally and externally. Right now I feel like I am half full. I still have some way to go.

Some say I should just be happy with the journey. “The journey is the prize” is what I heard today.
And man, that resonated. THIS moment is all we ever have. We gotta find the joy in the present. Not in some future.

BUT I FUCKING KNOW THERE IS SOMETHING MORE AND HIGHER HERE FOR ME

I keep searching and yearning for it

and then judging myself for not “enjoying the journey” because I want to get THERE so bad
but perhaps the real pain is in judging myself for wanting — I can WANT and let it be that my present is indulging in the feeling desire

There is something quite titillating about being in desire – being in wanting — but not in the sense of lack (because when we are lacking, it doesn’t feel good: ie. lacking food/lacking resources)

I’m talking about the type of desire that is on the upper floor of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs.

Anyway, I’m digressing.

What am I even saying?

Gosh, I deeeeeply desire to transcend my current playing field. I want to be vibrating at a higher frequency. I want to feel greater heights of pleasure. Joy. Beauty. Abundance. Peace. Support. Connection. Love. And from this FULL ASS FUCKING CUP, I want to give back to everything I could touch.

But how do I get there?

I don’t know. I’m still on the journey to find out.

——–

Today I met with a special someone. Someone with beautiful eyes and a sweet soul.
For a second I had this sense of what it would look like to achieve the goal. To achieve the things I’m after and for it all to materialize and actualize. And it felt both beautiful and also like “aw, it’s the end of the book.” The end of the story.

You ever get to the end of a movie/book/show and you’re both amazed but also kinda sad that now it’s over? Yeah. That’s what it felt like.

So now I’m on this vibe that I should enjoy the journey more and be less focused on the destination.

But, I don’t know what to prioritize at the moment — you know?

What actually does matter?

Sigh.

Will you give me a clue?

Damn, this was a long one. If you’re still here — you’re the real MVP. You are the one I have dreamed of writing for. Thank you.

Cheers to our biggest, boldest, wildest, most beautiful, exhilarating life!

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Wish

I wish it were you…

I text came through

I wish it were you

and again it wasn’t

I’m looking at my phone again to see if anything changes, like opening the fridge for the 3rd time in hopes of finding something good but there ain’t nothing but some condiments and the quinoa you’ve made 6 days ago

What’s gotten into me?
Love.

I’m having these moments where I’m feeling high off life again. I can feel myself vibrating at a higher frequency. I can feel my connection to you and to the oneness of all there is. It’s so delicious.

I’m so damn ready to quantum leap.

Like f*3k playing small and being so dense

I wanna be electric
Magnetic
In flow ✨🌊

I want my chakras open
My energy aligned

I wanna draw you closer
I wanna dance
Sing
Play
Laugh
Cry

I wanna emanate abundance and give back to the needing places of the world

I wanna spread a message of love, peace, joy, freedom, health and all that’s good

I wanna LIVE AWAKENED

I wanna burst with bliss and deep pleasure, ecstasy and enjoyment of this paradoxical, wild, beautiful, sad, bittersweet world

GAHHHH

I want it so bad

but for now…

I must wait

wait until the stars align, the clocks bring us together and maybe you’ll text

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Trust

The other day I heard myself say, “Perhaps, after all, there is no magic.”

My heart broken at the thought of a meaningless universe.

I’m holding my breath in anticipation that everything will turn around and the sneaky suspicion that there is something beautiful here for us is going to finally reveal itself and it will all make sense. All the pain, the hardships, the sadness, the difficult times — it will all be for a good and greater purpose.

I gotta trust. I gotta keep believing.
I gotta keep having faith even when I want to collapse instead.

So I pick up the pieces of my wounded little soul and wipe the tear off my cheek. I remind myself I am a warrior. I am strong. I am capable. I am resilient. I am here for a reason.

If only I could stop playing small. If only I could release all this dirt from my DNA and re-wire, re-program, re-code myself into the light. Calibrate myself into the frame of existence where I own my world. I own my reality. I’m not lost or afraid or feeling out of control. Defeated.

So much energy spent on processing nonsense. On being in “Woe is me” mentality. Sulking. Complaining. Drowning in this muck. Giving my power away. Feeling like the forces that are trying to sink me are so much greater than me. Gasping for hope.

WHERE ARE YOU GOD? Were you ever even there?

What is this? Who am I? Why am I in this constant state of dis- ease when I KNOW deep down in my bones there is so much more than that. Yet I can’t seem to tap into it. I can’t seem to cross over.

I keep reaching, reaching, reaching — falling back down.
Reaching, striving, reaching, reaching — falling further down in quantum quicksand.

sizufdhgidhfgidhfbodhf. It angers me. Annoys me. I can’t get away from me. 24/7 stuck in this body which in truth I love so much. “I love you.” I whisper to myself. “I care.” “I’m here.” “I’m listening.”

I sink deeper into my body. Craving ecstasy, freedom, boundless unity and mass expansion. I want to melt into the nothing. I want to become one with the ethers. I want to be free.

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Lay

Can I just lay here a while?
And hear you talk.

Can you tell me everything about everything?
I want to get high off of your perspective. Your view of the world.

Take me to the highest highs and the lowest lows. Take me to all the in-betweens. Let us lay here for a while longer. I want to melt into the ether with you.

Can I make you an avocado toast?
Can I bring you some freshly squeezed orange juice?
Can I make you your favorite banana bread?
Can I hang up your clothes?
Can I tidy this room up for you?

When I think about life and how I want to be living all I can think of is spaciousness. Peace. Health. Joy. Trust. Connection. Alignment. Surrender. Love.

Can you imagine living from such openness?
Where every cell in your body is radiating.

Life is such a tricky paradox, man.
Just when you think you’ve gotten a handle of it, it trips you back up.
Just when you think you’re good- some bill comes in the mail, the car gets a flat tire, the earth quakes, the dog pees on the carpet, the milk spoils, the A.C stops working, someone dies, a wallet gets stolen, and you didn’t win the lotto again.

Sigh.

Just take me back to the moment where I’m laying with you.

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Purpose

For a moment I closed my eyes and I could see it…
True peace
True health
True well-being
Safety

A deep knowing of it all being okay
Feeling connected
Cared for
Loved

This is how we should be living

Not in fear, scarcity, pay-check to pay-check

There are moments where I feel so much certainty over the plan of God over our lives.
That we are meant to be well. We are meant for havingness, abundance, freedom, joy, connection, love, peace. This is where we are meant to be living from.

Deep down I feel like I know this to be true to my core.

I can hear it in the music.
I can picture it in my mind.

Why have we gone so astray?

I feel so small in the face of it all. It’s so noisy sometimes I can’t find who I am. I can’t hear my own voice. I can’t tell if you’re really there.

God I thought you were real. I thought you were there. I thought you cared. I thought we mattered. Don’t let the world suffer.

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You Matter

Normally I come into the space to rant about my nonsense…

But today,

I want to address you.

I want to leave you with something.

I want you to know that you matter.
You are important.
You have talents, wisdom, knowledge and gifts that add value to the world.

Don’t let the negativity get the best of you. I know life gets hard sometimes. The challenges are a test. They help build you up. Keep trusting your journey. Hold yourself through the uncertain moments. You are your guarantee. Create a pleasant space within your body. Your body is your first home.

You are valuable.
You are unique.

Don’t worry about what anybody else is doing. You came here to be a true individual. There is no one else like you. You are wonderful. Magnificent. Intelligent. Capable of achieving your goals.

Trust your journey. Trust that everything is happening FOR you. Have fun. Release control. Don’t judge yourself. Allow yourself to unravel and develop at the pace you are meant to without forcing.

YOU MATTER.

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Stars

I looked up at the stars tonight and thought of you

I took a deep breath of the cool late night air and for a moment it’s as if I could feel you

You came into my life out of nowhere
I didn’t think I’d ever see you again

What a curious encounter.
What weird timing.

I don’t feel like I’m mature enough.
Mature to give you what you want and need.

I’m still afraid. I’m still insecure. Like a little girl. I’m shy. Squirmish. I’m still playing oh so small.

And I’m kinda pissed about it. I’m mad at myself because I’m not growing fast enough. I’m not living at the highest embodied version of myself.

I feel locked and oppressed. Sometimes heavy. Dense. My light is dim.

This doesn’t just impact me, but it also impacts my ability to lift more people. I can’t pour from an empty cup.

But that’s gotta change.

I want to be in your frequency. I want to be in your world. Even if it’s just for a little while.

They say when you meet “the one” you would know. Do you believe there is a “the one” out there for you? The one who makes it all make sense? The one who feels like home? The one who feels “right”? Like “yesss— THIS!”

The one who you feel at peace with even in silence. Where you feel safe, seen, understood and heard? The one you could lay your head on their shoulder and talk with for hours about the mysteries of the universe?

Is that person real?

I’d love to make you an avocado toast
and a yogurt bowl topped with fresh fruits we picked from the garden

I’d like for the day to move slowly
For the birds to happily chirp
For the windows to be big, bright and the ceilings tall

I’d like to feel healthy and vibrant
connected to the Universe

True peace

Heaven on Earth

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Provide

Does not the Earth provide all we need?

Behold the trees – they grow freely without charging anyone a buck

Behold the beasts in the fields — they concern not with credit scores and name brand shoes

The Earth provides.

It provides the fruits, the plants, the wheat, the water, the air, the ground for you to lay

Mama Earth has given birth to you and didn’t charge you a penny for it

You then take of the Earth and put a price on it.
You say “650,000 dollars for this home.”

What is this game we are playing?
What are we doing to each other?
What are we doing to our freedom?
What are we doing to our Earth?
Why are we making each other suffer when we could make peace and love instead?

We can make joy, health, abundance, freedom be the norm.

Yet here we are — needing to borrow 650,000 from a bank plus interest so we can slave doing work just to generate money for what the Earth has already provided to you

Work is inevitable.
To eat you must prepare your meal — there is work in that.
To have shelter you must construct it — there is work in that.

Work and money are two different things.

Why not work to create what is good?

————————————————————-

Sometimes my soul cries
When I see what we are doing to our Earth
To each other

We can do better.

0

Deep

If I show you mine will you show me yours?
Your soul.

How deep does it go?
Can I explore it — every inch, every dusty forgotten corner hidden behind furniture you haven’t moved in years. Can I gently pull away the sofa and get underneath? Can I rest here for a moment and look at old photos.

I’d want to ask you a million questions, and hear you answer each one on a warm summer day where a minute feels like a day and a second all at once. I’d like to stay here longer but it’s like the clock is prepping for a marathon.

The timing feels so off.

How could something so good be delivered at the wrong time?

“The Universe makes no mistakes” some would say.

God, why is it like this?

Why does it feel like I am almost there but yet so damn far? SO. DAMN. FAR.
Why does it feel like there is a chance that I’ll never make it?

How I yearn for those days. Those days where it feels solid.
You, me, life, the universe. It’s peaceful. It’s beautiful. It’s solid. It’s certain.

I’ll be okay, you’ll be okay — we’ll be okay.
It will be safe.

The sky clear, the weather warm. Herbs growing in the garden.
I feel safe in my body. I feel loved by you and love you in return.

I wake up slowly and gently.
I make you a beautiful, fresh, home cooked meal.

You can hear the birds.
The landscape green.
The ceilings tall.
Vitality coursing through our blood.
It’s simple.
It’s beautiful.

It’s right.

But what if I never make it?

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