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Want Not to Want

I want to be a dream.
I want to morph.
I want to be light.
I want to make love to you,
and to seduce you.
Then walk away –
and run wildly back into your arms
because my absence never fazed you.

I want to be beautiful like the models on TV.
Not just this average beauty. This “We’re all beautiful in our own way” kind of beauty.
But truly stunning. You can’t get your eyes off stunning.

I want to be beautiful on the inside too – because that’ll make me even more beautiful.
Inside and out. Not just one or the other – both. Not just average but whatever comes right before perfect if perfect isn’t an option.

Then I want to be alone. Alone to love myself. Alone to be perfect – whatever that means to me because what it means to me is always enough when I don’t need you; when I don’t want you.

But then I want to see you. You who is almost perfect. And I want to love you. And then I want to leave you because your imperfection bothers me. Because I want to feel superior – and actually be superior. Not just in theory. Not some narcissism. In truth and in every way better and more perfect than you.

Then I want to cry and feel sorry for myself. Sorry and guilty for ever wanting to be better. And for actually being better.

Then I will humble myself. I will be imperfect. You will have all the right to shine, even brighter than I. You will have right to be anything you desire because you deserve a chance if the game is to be fair and foolproof. This will be the way to prove that I am not necessary. To prove that I am creation and that perfection is irrespective of me even though it is me — it is you. This is the way it’s been all along.

Everything will be fair. Balanced. And it’ll be utterly boring to the wise. Utterly predictable. All it will mean is that everything is possible. And what’s the fun in that? You will know all the answers and pretend not to know. And for what end? Just to live out stories. Stories after stories. And so it will be. I’ll live my story. You live yours. We live ours. And so on ad infinitum.

Then I want to find – I don’t even know what I’d like to find after all that.
It’s never enough because the story never ends. The end is the continuous search because there’s always more. There are no limits. There’s always more. There’s always more. There’s always more.

What satisfies me is to forget. Forget all of it. Forget the stories. Forget you. Forget me. Forget life. Forget all realms.
The black screen forever. Pure nothing. Finally I can rest. This is my favorite place to be. At rest. Not in some point in time telling stories after stories. Not living story after story. But Here. Beyond the Silence. In the Eternal. In the nothing. As nothing. For nothing. Through nothing.

Because only when I am nothing I do not want. Only when I am nothing I am truly perfect.

In being nothing there is nothing I could ever fall short of. There is nothing to miss- nothing to lack – nothing to need – nothing to want.
To not exist is better than to exist.
Because in non-existence there is no such thing as better. Nothing wrong. Nothing right. Literally nothing.

Nothing.

Mmmm. Perfect.

But I cannot convince you of this. It would just be another story. My position versus your position and vice versa as it always is in this dimension of reality. You must come to know it yourself – through yourself, for yourself.

Meet me in the nothing. I’ll be waiting for you. Let’s be together as none again.

And when we are done, if ever, we can always come out and play again. After all, even though I hate your never ending stories, I love you enough to listen.

“See” you there.

 

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No Title

I’m tired of the same old story. Of worn cliches. Of exhausted roads that lead to nowhere new. Particularly tired of airy fairy ideologies that offer no real, tangible, practical direction.

***

There comes a point in time where you just have to see that no one else will live your life but you. You are responsible for your results. And what are you going to do? Stay safe forever and play small because you’re so afraid to try? Scared to be original? To just fucking do it — whatever IT is?

Or perhaps fear isn’t the only demon that haunts you. Perhaps it’s laziness. Lack of motivation. It’s so much easier to just sit back and relax – let the others do the work.  And that’s fine. It’s your life. You can choose to be lazy and let the unexpressed desire eat away at you like a burning acid.

***

Overthinking gets the best of you.

 

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One Day @ a Time

I want it, and I want it now.

Having tantrums like a babe. Throwing fists against the wind.

When I’m hungry I find that the best part is eating my meal. Yet so often I crave end results – the being satisfied part. As if there were some permanent end.

Life is always changing. There is no end. The end is the process.

What is it that you’re trying to create? Don’t kill the fun of the process by being so anxious to see the results.

I found that the best way to live is one day at a time. One moment at a time. This doesn’t mean we shouldn’t make plans. Go ahead. Make your plans. Just don’t get lost in trying to figure it all out meanwhile life slips through your fingers.

 

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Break Free

“Dream on little dreamer.
Follow all of your signs.
You gotta gather up what you need,
You gotta choose a direction.
And when the moment is right for you,
You gotta go. You gotta keep your ideals high. You got to know that the sky belongs to no one. You know you got to go.” – Above & Beyond

It’s both frightening and beautiful when you begin to break free of the shackles holding you back from being whole. When you begin to shed old skin and birth anew.

When you begin to recognize your value and embrace the courage to speak up and soar above those who consciously or unconsciously tried to pull you down. And many times that person was yourself. But not any longer. Today is the day to break free.

 

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Crumble. . . . .

“I am a flower quickly fading, here today and gone tomorrow. A wave tossed in the ocean. A vapor in the wind.” -Casting Crowns

My heart cries….
As I see what I thought be permanent crumble.

Total security, as I know it to be so far, is not real. Everything is changing. Breaking. Dying. Making room for the new to be born.

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Trust and Persevere

You don’t always have to know all the answers in order to move forward. It’s tempting to want to figure it all out at once; after all, who doesn’t like the safety of the known? You don’t have to know the exact “how,” you just have to trust that with each step you take the next step will be revealed to you. It is like driving a car in the night whose headlights reveal only the necessary distance forward. The more you proceed, the more of the road is shown.

If you’re feeling overwhelmed by all the things you need to do in order to get to where you want to be, start by just breathing and taking one step at a time. What is one thing you can do that will get you closer to your goal? Once that one thing is done, what is a second thing you can do that will get you closer? What is the third, fourth, fifth action?

Take your time. One day at a time. Trust and persevere.

*Image credit to google images.

 

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In Love

I am in love.

With something? Someone? An idea?

I can’t quite put a finger on it.

All I know is that somewhere out there there is something that I deeply yearn for.

And don’t go telling me the “love yourself,” blah, blah, blah, story. I’ve loved myself for an eternity and have come to realize that my love is even greater when I share it.

Where are you? What are you? What is it?

 

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This is my Life

THE DESTINATION IS THE JOURNEY

This is my life – here, now; sitting and writing this message.

This is my life – here, now; rushing to catch the 2:25 train.

This is my life – here, now; walking up the narrow stairs of my workplace.

This is my life – here, now; brushing my teeth while staring at my image in the mirror.

This is my life – here, now; watching the people go by as the cars ride busily on the cramped New York City streets.

This is my life – here, now; crunching a carrot dipped in creamy, supremely spicy hummus.

This is my life – here, now; listening to my favorite jams while completing an intense cardio workout.

This is my life – here, now; crossed legged, sipping on a cool drink as tender winds play with my senses.

There is no place to run to that is outside  the now. This is your life – here, now. Whatever you are doing here and now – that is the entirety of your life. Life is now. The next moment is no guarantee. The future is not yet come and once it does it will be in the now. The past occurred in the now. All there is is now. All your life is now.

You have already arrived. Don’t frazzle yourself as you race to some end – because this is IT.

#thedestinationisthejourney

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Balance

Have your cake and eat it too.

There’s a time for everything.
It’s okay to splurge sometimes.
Compensate.
Let each moment speak for itself.
You are renewed in each moment.
Every second offers you a chance to start on what you missed out on previously.
Appreciate what you’ve done so far.
Forgive your shortcomings.
Make the proper adjustments where necessary.

If all else fails just breath.
Go back to the basics and recreate from there.

Stop being so hard on yourself because of all the minor details. Profited is s/he who acknowledges what needs improving from a place of love rather than scorn.

Namaste.

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