Search

Open Search
Category

Uncategorized

Feel

Lately I’ve been feeling all the feels I might as well be a musical scale.

But sadness is this underlying feeling that never really leaves. It’s always there. “I’m sad” “I’m sad” “I’m sad” plays in my head like tape recorder.

Sometimes I ask the voice why does it feel sad.

It tells me “all the reasons there is to be sad about.”

It’s annoying. Why do I have to feel so much? Then I feel guilty for calling it annoying rather than accepting my experience without judgement. I get sad for being sad. Then I’m double sad.

I’m sad for the suffering in the world. For the people who struggle. For my brother whose mental health has struggled and for all that ailed him in his life.

For the children who starve while Louis Voitton just sold another $2,600 hand bag. Are you fucking kidding me? What are we doing?

No shade to Louis or expensive handbags, but is that what really matters when there are people who can’t even eat a meal tonight?

What happened to your heart, human?

We shame and judge one another. We’re mean. We have guns and wars. We’re still so immature.

I’m sad.

I’m sad because of my own humanity. My own faults. My own shortcomings. My inability to save the world or even myself.

So I’m sitting with myself and my sins. Learning to accept what is without judgement and from this space do the best I can as best I can. Though it feels like it’s never enough. It’s like trying to put out a fire with a teaspoon of water. WTF is me and my little teaspoon really gonna do?

But perhaps if we united our forces. If we each brought a little cup. A little teaspoon. A bucket. A handful. A droplet. A case. A jet. A plane. A prayer. A whatever you can — maybe then we could see the results of a better world.

Will you help be the change?

I dunno man… and then what’s it all for anyway?

Health, peace, freedom, love is what I hope.

I oscillate between sadness, joy, anger, peace, love, hope, disappointment, frustration, fear, excitement, awe, hope, and sadness again.

The sadness gets in my way. It stops me from taking action. I can’t let it.

God, if you’re real will you help me and the world? I may not have all the strength in me but if you’re real and if you’re good and if you can hear me maybe you can please help.


1

Be

Will I ever be the woman I thought I’d be?

Sometimes I can see her. She’s healthy, light, her skin is glowing. You can tell she’s well. You can tell she’s content. She’s confident. She knows what she’s doing. She trusts. She’s kind. She’ll invite you over for charcuterie and wine. Her home has the most beautiful wooden table made from a thick wood to remind her of the forest. There will be little mementos from all the worldly adventures she’s had displayed on the walls, the shelves, the tv stand. Her bookshelves will be filled with the names and books of those who’ve inspired her most. She’ll want to show you her garden. She’ll want to ask you what you’re most excited to create. She’ll ask you what have you found to be the meaning of life. What do you think we’re all doing here and why?


This week I went to see the Horseshoe Bend in Arizona. It’s been on my bucket list. The first thought I had when I saw it is “There’s no way we’re not in a virtual reality.”

Lately I’ve been questioning the nature of reality more often.

I’ve also been thinking of the passage of time. How I truly won’t be here forever. Am I really living? What actually matters?

And will I ever be everything I ever thought I’d be?

0

Boredom

I’ve been exploring this feeling of boredom. It’s a feeling I get from time to time when I crave more excitement, more stimulation. I want to be in multiple places at once. I wish I could both be responsible and wildly carefree. I wish I could be dancing in a crowd but also quietly writing a book.

Sometimes I feel like I am stuck because I’ve fallen into the same old patterns – the same routines.
Life becomes predictable.

I like the predictable. It feels safe and safe feels good.

But then I also get bored. I wish for spontaneity. I want to do something out of the norm. Something that makes me feel euphoric. Alive.

I’m in a relationship but sometimes I wish I were single. Able to just go out into the night to get myself into whatever adventurous shenanigans the moment may have to offer.

Then I think about the comfort of a companion. The nice feeling of having “accomplishments.” Healthy habits. Saving for retirement. Thinking about the bigger picture, my desire to help society.

Can I have it all?

Sometimes I just wanna fade. Melt into the ether. Lay on top of a jeep on a REI mattress waving my hand in the air underneath the stars in the deserts of California on a perfectly warm night. It would be nice if you were there. It would be nice to hear your philosophies. Do you think God is watching us? Do you think aliens exist? Do you think there is life beyond this?

I’d like to go to Burning Man some day.

I’d like to explore more of my freedom. More of myself. More of who I am. More of who you are.

I find humans to be curious creatures. We are so silly sometimes.

I am a ball of emotions. Sadness, joy, anger, fear, peace, rage, boredom. All the things…

What a wild ride. What an experience. What a life. What a world. Just wow. Contemplating it all blows me away every time. It reminds me not to become apathetic, even though I’ve had moments of that too.

I don’t want to lose sight of the magic.
I don’t want to lose sight of hope.
I don’t want to lose sight of love, beauty, faith, joy, all that’s good.

May we be the best humans we can be and may we co-create a good world we are happy to wake up to. Just one big ol’ party. What more epic thing to make of this experience? One big fun, adventurous party!!

0

Miss

Do you ever miss someone you don’t even know yet?
Like there is something or someone out there you are longing for?


From time to time I get this feeling.

As if the peak of my experience hasn’t arrived yet. So I live here craving this other moment in the future I know is waiting for me. Or more accurately said, delusionally believe is waiting for me.

I was walking to the farmers market today and this feeling of monotony came over me. It reminded me of the fact that you meet someone, you fall in love, it’s romantic for a bit but then the reality of life sets in. The normalcy. The walking down the street together to run the same old errands. The sitting on the couch. The noises he makes when he’s eating and the dirty clothes that are left on the floor. The romance fades. The butterflies. The fantasy.

Everything just becomes… normal.

Do you think sometimes we create drama out of boredom?

I mean once you’ve got the house, the partner, the garden, the car, the travel – then what?

I don’t know…

Sigh.

I miss you.

0

Annoy

Everything annoys me.

Well, not everything, but everything. You know what I mean?

I’m so damn annoyed with the humans. Seriously. Wtf.

We’re out of control.

Not that we ought to be “controlled” but we are still so unconscious and immature it’s annoying.
It’s our idiocy that pisses me off. And what’s worst is that we stand up for our stupidity, our immaturity, our blatant wrong doing. We are such silly little creatures. I’m pissed.

We think we’re something. We think we have the right to claim whatever we want and have rulership over another. I wanna vomit.

Anyway. I don’t wanna sit here and complain in my usual fashion but at the same time I kinda do.

The other day I was walking from the beach and everything that would normally bring me joy like the sunlight, the ocean, the grass, the beautiful homes, the humans brought me disdain. I am disappointed in our behavior. Our lies, our tricks, our infidelity. Our acts of wrong.

But what the fuck are we supposed to do about it? We’re on planet Earth. Are we all supposed to walk around like robots in polite fucking manner 24/7 saying all the “right” things and making no god damn mistakes and just being in some perfect fucking world where everything just goes exactly how we want and everything is dandy and everything is okay and everything is fine and nothing ever goes wrong and everything is perfectly safe and happy and everyone is on their P’s and Q’s and it’s just sunnyville all day and all night and always and ta da – there ya have it?

WTF are we really supposed to do? What is the real way to be? What are the REAL FUCKING RULES. What truly does matter? What truly is RIGHT?????

DOES ANYBODY FUCKING KNOW?????


DOES ANYONE KNOW WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON AND WHAT WE ARE ACTUALLY SUPPOSED TO BE FUCKING DOING SO WE CAN GO AHEAD AND DO THAT ALREADY AND CALL IT A DAY?


Why am I so angry?
😦

Sometimes I feel so angry.

At the injustices. At this nonsense of a fucking world we have created.
I know there is so much good. I know there is so much to be grateful for. And I am. It’s beautiful. There is so much to love and be grateful for. I’m writing on fucking computer for God’s sake.

I’m so thankful. From the bottom of my heart thank you. Thank you for all you do. Thank you for all you are.

But WHAT THE FUCK????

No, really, wtf?

Why do I just wanna get it over with already?

I do but I don’t. I wanna marvel at the existence of all there is for as long as I can. I wanna love deeply and perhaps even figure out how to extend life beyond this body. I believe we can. I believe we can transfer our consciousness to another host/body. I think we can preserve this. I think we can find a way to live and survive beyond the point our bodies give out.

Because what is death anyway? To my understanding when the body stops functioning then it can no longer hold the consciousness. I don’t know what happens to the consciousness when the body can no longer hold it. Does it go up into the ethers where the Wifi is? Does it disintegrate and is no longer available for access? I don’t know but we can research this if we weren’t so fucking busy, distracted, lost or working jobs just for money to pay bills or whatever else other nonsense.

WHAT MORE IMPORTANT THAT PRESERVING YOUR LIFEEEEE, helloooo!!!??

Listen, what I noticed is that if you don’t get hit by a truck or shot or killed in some way, you age until your body gives out. When the body gives out who the fuck knows where you go. I don’t KNOW, do you?

^ Don’t give me your nonsense theory because I’ll be like ok, cute – how do you KNOW – let’s prove and test it and calculate it and measure it and KNOW IT INDEED BY FACT AND TRUTH AS CLEAR AS WE KNOW AT WHAT TEMP WATER BOILS. Ya know what I mean??

Anyway….

What if we could either stem cell our asses or grow some biological body in a lab or even a robot body I don’t care… and what if we could either transplant the brain or electrode the consciousness from one host to the new host??

WOULDN’T THAT BE AMAZING?????? OR interesting????

I dunno.

Just a thought.

All in all I’m kinda pissed and annoyed but I’m working through it.

Bye.

0

Rocked

The moon is looking beautiful out tonight. It makes me think of you. It makes me think of music, the desert, charcuterie board with red wine and holding you close.

Damn, this year got me rocked.

After the suicide of two people I loved, I’m shook.

This life is temporary. What’s worse is that there are people suffering to varying degrees on this planet.

WTF is going on? What are we doing to one another? Why are homes hundreds of thousands of dollars? Why are we making it so stressful when we could be making it so beautiful, peaceful, incredible instead?

HEAVEN ON EARTH.

This idea of being a New Earth Leader keeps swirling in my mind.
WTF does that even mean?

It just means being a good fucking human who cares about the planet and the others in it to give it you plain and short.

We should be tending to the land. The land is our home. Since when do we charge for what is our birth right?

Why are we putting a price tag on what is already given to us freely by mama Earth?


I’m livid bro.

What’s fucking worse is the ripple effect of our shitty consciousness.

Young girls made to feel like their bodies are not good enough, leading to eating disorders, body dysmorphia, cutting behaviors and suicide.

I’m pissed.

WTF is going on? What are we doing to one another?

Borrow money from banks to go to college. To get a job to pay for the money you borrowed. To borrow to buy a car to drive to the job, you’re in debt to get. To borrow to buy a home and be a slave for 30 years to pay that mortgage. Debt on debt on debt on debt.

The money circulates between the banks. It just goes from Chase to Chase when you swipe at the grocery store and the clerk receives the transaction to their bank.

What is this game we’re playing?

Is this really the vision guys?

There is a lot to be grateful for. There is a lot that is working. There is a lot that is good. There is a lot that is truly amazing, beautiful and we should be so proud of.

And there is also so much we need to look at, revise and improve. A lot to take accountability for. A lot of shit to fix. I’m exhausted just thinking about it.

Anyway. I don’t wanna overwhelm you with my nonsense and endless complaints.

On another note…

Reality is so interesting to me.

I’ve been so on the fence lately about magic, miracles, quantum energy, manifestation and all inexplicable matters that evoke a sense of “there is more here than meets the eye” type vibe.
But then coincidences and synchronicities happen that you can’t help but suspect “divine intervention” is happening or that perhaps God is listening after all.

I don’t know. I’m lost.

My heart hurts deeply sometimes. It’s actually been beating irregular lately too. I saw a doctor about it. I’ve had a few moments where it was hard to breathe for like 3 seconds.

I’m also counseling people in a mental health setting.

I’m also trying to find my ultimate purpose. And figure my shit out as always.

Gahhh…..

There is so much I wish to say and pour out. I wish I could hug every human, myself included and just send everyone a deep message of hope, love, and courage. To assure myself and everyone else that it’s ok and will be ok always. I really wish I could.

“Everything will be okay in the end. If it’s not okay it’s not the end.”


0

heartbreak

my heart is broken in a trillion pieces. I’m standing over the devastating mess wondering if I’ll ever manage to put it back together.

What is it all for?

My soul cries and falls down to its knees. “Noooo. Why??”

I’m sad. Angry. Discouraged. Weary.
Questioning do I even want to live?
What’s it all for anyway?

“I don’t want to grow bitter” it says.
“I still want to believe.”

I used to think that life was magical. How could it not be? Look at it. Look at all the intelligence. The leaves. The fruits that grow from the tress. Our intelligent bodies. How marvelous.

Yet despite all this magnificence there is also this destructive, merciless force permeating reality. Earthquakes, tsunamis, volcanic eruptions, death, famine, war, pollution, fights, envy, politics, profit over people, hate, jealousy, deterioration, sickness, a lion gunning for the throat of the gazelle, chaos.

It’s a lot.

I don’t know what to make of it anymore. It’s like no matter what I do the outcome is just I’m going to age and die and so will you and everyone else. I don’t even want to share this because it sounds so negative. Because I could, instead, believe we end up figuring out how to preserve life, create peace and more harmony. But I don’t know – I’m disillusioned. Saddened that perhaps there is no God. That all the magic I believed in isn’t real. There is just this — this f%#23d up world with no happy endings.

I kept waiting for God. Waiting that he would show up and save the day. Now, my faith is crushed. My soul is lost. My heart so broken its become dust particles. I’m so deeply saddened.

But even still… a little tiny part of me insists “Don’t give up. You gotta believe. Please believe.”

Don’t let me grow bitter. < These are the words I wrote in my journal today.

I notice my child like spirit is getting washed away by the passage of time. My face less bright. My mouth more frowned.

SIGH.

I’ve been taking deep breaths.

“Just enough grace for this moment. Just enough grace for this minute.”

Leaning into trust minute by minute. Giving it all over to the force of time in full surrender when I feel like I can’t bare another minute.

I’m sorry world if I have failed you.
I am sorry for all we are going through.


0

The Candle Maker

Trigger Warning:
This blog post contains descriptions of death. This topic may be distressing or triggering for some readers. Do NOT continue on if this topic is upsetting or disturbing to you.


____


Have you ever seen a dead body? I hadn’t until today. It didn’t look real. It looked like a wax doll you’d see in the wax museum.

It was my neighbor.

I hear a man’s voice screaming outside my door. I open my door to check what the commotion was. I could see my neighbor’s door open. I thought maybe her dog ran out and something bad had happened to it. But then I see the dog, tail wagging. I see the guy she was dating wailing.

“What’s going on?” I inquire.

“She killed herself.” He responds.

I’m in shock and disbelief. I run into her apartment to see if there was any way to help or save her still. I yell out her name. I go into her room and try to look for her. I don’t see her until I look at the open closet and see her hanging in it. I couldn’t believe what I saw was real. It didn’t look real. Her hands were purple. Her feet purple. Her stomach swollen. Her mouth open and stuffed with what looked like dry blood. Her beautiful blue eyes open. It must have been days that she had been hanging there.
I wanted to touch her, check if what I was seeing was real – but I didn’t. I was in disbelief and in shock.

I walk out. The cops come.

Other neighbors come out. Everyone is crying.

She was a candle maker.
A sweet and beautiful young woman with so much to live for.
She lived in a cute, small one bedroom by the beach.

When I first moved here she gave me one of her candles.
And from then on I only bought them from her.

We weren’t that close, but I loved her and admired her so.

I would have never guessed she was struggling.

We truly just never know.

I wish I would have known.

My heart is broken. Yesterday I had one of her candles lit in my apartment, and I was thinking how I was looking forward to getting her summer collection. I had texted her last week saying I’d love to come support her at the farmer’s market.

How could this happen?

I just wanna say, if you are ever feeling alone or depressed please seek help. Please remember you are important. You matter. Your life MEANS something to people. Don’t let the voices of depression win. You matter. You’re important. You’re important. You matter.

I wish I could shout it from the roofs so every person who needs to hear it could hear it: You are important. You are loved. You matter. Please believe it.

______

Man, do we need a kinder world.

After what I saw today, I’m shook.

What should I direct my energy towards while I still can while I’m here?

I don’t wanna show off or compete or make anybody else feel like shit. Why are we not coming together more? Why aren’t we uniting more?

Why aren’t we making this world a better place for us all to live in?

So many are stressed because of bills.
Because of working jobs and barely getting by.
And that stress leaks into relationships.
We then have all this pressure to look a certain way, to have a certain car, to consume consume consume to make it look like we have it together. WHAT THE F IS GOING ON?

God help me. God help us.
God help our world.

I’m sending love to each and every one of you here. Keep believing for something good. Keep having faith. Keep being kind. Keep loving. Keep being the light. Keep learning. Keep growing. Keep the faith.

YOU ARE LOVED.
YOU ARE IMPORTANT.

Reach out for help if you need it. Don’t go at this alone.

Let’s keep holding on to the light and being more of the light in this world.




0

Greener

Is the grass greener where you water it? Or is the other side really gonna be better?

I feel like I’ve gone in a big circle
Only to arrive at the same place, almost empty handed

From here it feels like I can still go anywhere
But where to now?

What do I really want?
What actually matters?
Who am I?
Who do I want to be?
What do I want to do?

I don’t know if I want to settle here, or break everything down to go elsewhere.
Perhaps travel and just go where my soul desires.

Should I chase more experiences?
Or stay focused and build solid assets I could rely on in the future?

A mixture of both?

Do I go live in a car for a couple of months and just explore around?
Do I go to Bali and just figure it out from there? Get a yoga certification? Do a silent retreat and heal all my wounds?

Or do I stay put and become more of a power player? Generate more cash, get some land/real estate and settle down for a bit before traveling on?

Do I stop being reasonable and have wild experiences? Just call you at 7 P.M to come over and sneak into your bedroom?

Do I stay a good girl — stop fantasizing about nonsense and just be in one relationship, get married, get the house, get the car and just live a wholesome life with a maxed out ROTH IRA, contributing to the 401k, some stocks and the real estate investment increasing in value?

Do I break up with my partner and then just go on a wild soul search, spend time alone, finally write a book, cry alone every evening and put all my energy into growing a YouTube channel?

Do I release all control and let life surprise me?

Do I let a little more time pass before I make any decisions?

Do I try to do a little bit of everything without making too many extreme choices?

I dunno….

What is it all for anyway?

What’s the point anyway?

What matters anyway?

Is the way we feel more important than the stuff we gain?
Or is being actualized in BOTH feeling and external reality the TRUE crème de la crème?

I gotta be honest with you, I want both.

I want to feel fulfilled internally and externally. Right now I feel like I am half full. I still have some way to go.

Some say I should just be happy with the journey. “The journey is the prize” is what I heard today.
And man, that resonated. THIS moment is all we ever have. We gotta find the joy in the present. Not in some future.

BUT I FUCKING KNOW THERE IS SOMETHING MORE AND HIGHER HERE FOR ME

I keep searching and yearning for it

and then judging myself for not “enjoying the journey” because I want to get THERE so bad
but perhaps the real pain is in judging myself for wanting — I can WANT and let it be that my present is indulging in the feeling desire

There is something quite titillating about being in desire – being in wanting — but not in the sense of lack (because when we are lacking, it doesn’t feel good: ie. lacking food/lacking resources)

I’m talking about the type of desire that is on the upper floor of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs.

Anyway, I’m digressing.

What am I even saying?

Gosh, I deeeeeply desire to transcend my current playing field. I want to be vibrating at a higher frequency. I want to feel greater heights of pleasure. Joy. Beauty. Abundance. Peace. Support. Connection. Love. And from this FULL ASS FUCKING CUP, I want to give back to everything I could touch.

But how do I get there?

I don’t know. I’m still on the journey to find out.

——–

Today I met with a special someone. Someone with beautiful eyes and a sweet soul.
For a second I had this sense of what it would look like to achieve the goal. To achieve the things I’m after and for it all to materialize and actualize. And it felt both beautiful and also like “aw, it’s the end of the book.” The end of the story.

You ever get to the end of a movie/book/show and you’re both amazed but also kinda sad that now it’s over? Yeah. That’s what it felt like.

So now I’m on this vibe that I should enjoy the journey more and be less focused on the destination.

But, I don’t know what to prioritize at the moment — you know?

What actually does matter?

Sigh.

Will you give me a clue?

Damn, this was a long one. If you’re still here — you’re the real MVP. You are the one I have dreamed of writing for. Thank you.

Cheers to our biggest, boldest, wildest, most beautiful, exhilarating life!

0

Blog at WordPress.com.

Up ↑