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Mmm

The moon was full last night and of course I thought of you.

I thought of sitting in a deliciously warm room in what felt like Costa Rica
Legs crossed like a yogi and I’m facing you
For a long, tender moment our foreheads touch
It’s like I can understand you but without the need for any words

Ahhh….

Lately I have been craving deep, deep peace. As if every part of me just wants to root down into the depths of the Earth and sink into this deeeeep deeep comfort. A place where I feel like I could rest. A place where I feel like I could trust. A place that feels more solid. I place of ease and true joy.

I want to become lighter. There is desire for surrender. To feel every cell in my body move three octaves higher.

MMM..

This morning I was kissed by the crisp morning air and I couldn’t stop filling my lungs with this cosmic juice. I stopped for a moment and looked again at the moon that shined so brightly in the sky. I literally took a moment to pause. I wish I could just stand there forever in awe. Forever in bliss.

I feel like there is this version of me who is birthing that I’m madly in love with. I can only catch glimpses of the vibration. Sometimes she scares me because being her means letting go of the version of me I have always been. It means letting go of the fears I’ve felt. The doubts. The lack of courage.

Wow. Can you just imagine waking up in FULL TRUST, DEEP JOY, DEEP PEACE, DEEP FUCKING LOVE AND MASSIVE AMOUNTS OF FAITH.

Lol… A part of me is like “You’re delusional”

and then the other part is like “Call it whatever you want, but if it brings me all of that, so be it!”

I feel like I am learning to feel more comfortable in my body. More comfortable in my womanhood. I still feel like a squirmish girl. A little awkward. A little afraid. And I welcome and love all those parts of me without abandon. But the keyword is, I am still very much *learning*. Very entrenched into the curriculum of Earth school.

What a ride.

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without

I suppose I’ll have to learn to live without you

No matter what, life goes on. It’s a cold reality.

This week I was walking the beach boardwalk and I felt like I was observing the moment outside of myself from above like a drone. I could see the passage of time. Everything and everyone moving on, living their life as if I wasn’t even here. Forgotten. Never known.

It made me think of the people I lost this year. My best friend, now a widow, slowly moving forward. Life must go on.

It’s been 6 days of silence between my partner and I. From “I love you” and exploring the world together to distance and silence. As if we just came and went.

I’m taking a deep breath as I write this and reflect on the coming together and falling apart. The ebb and flow. The circle of life.

I’m in the middle of nowhere on a planet that’s been flicked into space. Wow. What do I really know? A mere evolved ape. Or perhaps something other. Here for a little while. What do I make of it?

I don’t know. Try my best and surrender the rest is what I’m left with.

Pick myself up and move through life without you.

Life is bittersweet.
It’s both good and bad. And all else in between.

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Earthling

The Earth provides all we need
Never does it charge us anything for it

Never does the mango tree say to thee “That’ll be $1”
Never do the berry bushes tell you that’ll be “$4.99 plus tax”.

It is the Earth that provides the trees which you turn to housing

We are born of the Earth. Naked.

Food doesn’t come from the grocery store – food comes from the Earth.
You don’t come from a corporation, you come from the Earth. Naked.

Somewhere along the process of evolution, humans invented money to facilitate the exchange of goods and services. Somewhere along the way the purpose of money became severely distorted. We now WORK FOR MONEY. It’s absurd.

Our work is contribution. Work is meant to be a means to provide for one another. To care. To share. To collaborate. To co-create. For our pleasure, good, and enjoyment. NOT FOR MONEY.

Our energy is poorly allocated. We are working to pay bills. What a terrible idea. Our systems are meant to serve us. Our systems should be to support our well-being, provision and good. Not to trap us in silly little jobs that we have created to perpetuate this money game that has become out of control.

So many are stuck in their ego – still needing to awaken and mature. People wanting to acquire for the sake of showing off. For the sake of “proving” something. You prove nothing by perpetuating a broken system. You prove that you are blind and lost in your ego. You prove that you have been bought by the game of money and have forgotten the actual point of life.

I don’t want to capitalize over the head of my brother, my sister, my family, my friends. Why would I want to enslave you? Perpetuate a system that is keeping mothers from their children? Forcing people into work for the sake of money when the system of work is meant to be a system of co-operation and contribution for the sake of HAVINGNESS.

We have put our security on money – when the security belongs when we can be in connection to each other. When we can create systems that leaves no one behind because HAVINGNESS is all there is.

THE EARTH HAS ALREADY PROVIDED.

THE LAND IS FREE. YOU, MAN, HAVE PUT A PRICE ON THE LAND WHICH HAS NEVER CHARGED YOU A PENNY FOR IT TO PROVIDE FOR YOU.

How dare you place a price on this Earth? How dare you put a price on the land? How dare you turn this place into a pit of competition?

People in cars driving to jobs they hate for money. Abandoning their families. Crying in lunch breaks. Depression. Anxiety. Suicides. Polluting the Earth. We can do better.


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Liberated

I’ve been liberated by 4 words
“You don’t have to”

AHHHH… just breathe that in for a moment.
You. Don’t. Have. To.

You don’t have to do anything, be anything, get anything.

You don’t have to “make it”
You don’t have to be popular
You don’t have to have friends
You don’t have to be liked
You don’t have to be polite
You don’t have to say the right things
You don’t have to get out of bed
You don’t have to pay your bills
You don’t even have to be here
You don’t have to apologize
You don’t have to be happy
You don’t have to care
You don’t have to anything
You don’t have to make more money
You don’t have write the best book
You don’t have to be beautiful
You don’t have to be attractive
You don’t have to be nice
You don’t have to entertain anyone
You don’t have to

telling myself these words makes my shoulders relax
it makes me sigh with relief
it takes all the pressure away

I don’t have to do any of the things I thought I did in order to become someone or something. I don’t have to impress the world. I don’t have to achieve anything to say and prove something about me to someone. I don’t have to. I don’t have to do any of it.

And now with all the pressure off – I can decide freely what and who I wish to be.

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Both

I am both good and bad. What a relief to know.

I’ve been hiding. I’ve been showing only what is good.
Showing my kindness, my politeness, my smile, my “please” and “thank you’s.” My good humor.
Being appropriate, being nice, following the rules. Making sure I’m well groomed and pleasing you.

But what’s also underneath is anger, confusion, and “I don’t give a fuck.” What’s also true is my ignorance. My impatience, my rudeness, my immaturity. My raising my voice and being mean. My darkness. My apathy.

I am both. I am good bad and all the spaces in between. And in acknowledging this and not hiding from it or pretending to only be good, I am finding immense freedom.

Freedom to be fully seen and not hide away from the truth.

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Feel

Lately I’ve been feeling all the feels I might as well be a musical scale.

But sadness is this underlying feeling that never really leaves. It’s always there. “I’m sad” “I’m sad” “I’m sad” plays in my head like tape recorder.

Sometimes I ask the voice why does it feel sad.

It tells me “all the reasons there is to be sad about.”

It’s annoying. Why do I have to feel so much? Then I feel guilty for calling it annoying rather than accepting my experience without judgement. I get sad for being sad. Then I’m double sad.

I’m sad for the suffering in the world. For the people who struggle. For my brother whose mental health has struggled and for all that ailed him in his life.

For the children who starve while Louis Voitton just sold another $2,600 hand bag. Are you fucking kidding me? What are we doing?

No shade to Louis or expensive handbags, but is that what really matters when there are people who can’t even eat a meal tonight?

What happened to your heart, human?

We shame and judge one another. We’re mean. We have guns and wars. We’re still so immature.

I’m sad.

I’m sad because of my own humanity. My own faults. My own shortcomings. My inability to save the world or even myself.

So I’m sitting with myself and my sins. Learning to accept what is without judgement and from this space do the best I can as best I can. Though it feels like it’s never enough. It’s like trying to put out a fire with a teaspoon of water. WTF is me and my little teaspoon really gonna do?

But perhaps if we united our forces. If we each brought a little cup. A little teaspoon. A bucket. A handful. A droplet. A case. A jet. A plane. A prayer. A whatever you can — maybe then we could see the results of a better world.

Will you help be the change?

I dunno man… and then what’s it all for anyway?

Health, peace, freedom, love is what I hope.

I oscillate between sadness, joy, anger, peace, love, hope, disappointment, frustration, fear, excitement, awe, hope, and sadness again.

The sadness gets in my way. It stops me from taking action. I can’t let it.

God, if you’re real will you help me and the world? I may not have all the strength in me but if you’re real and if you’re good and if you can hear me maybe you can please help.


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Be

Will I ever be the woman I thought I’d be?

Sometimes I can see her. She’s healthy, light, her skin is glowing. You can tell she’s well. You can tell she’s content. She’s confident. She knows what she’s doing. She trusts. She’s kind. She’ll invite you over for charcuterie and wine. Her home has the most beautiful wooden table made from a thick wood to remind her of the forest. There will be little mementos from all the worldly adventures she’s had displayed on the walls, the shelves, the tv stand. Her bookshelves will be filled with the names and books of those who’ve inspired her most. She’ll want to show you her garden. She’ll want to ask you what you’re most excited to create. She’ll ask you what have you found to be the meaning of life. What do you think we’re all doing here and why?


This week I went to see the Horseshoe Bend in Arizona. It’s been on my bucket list. The first thought I had when I saw it is “There’s no way we’re not in a virtual reality.”

Lately I’ve been questioning the nature of reality more often.

I’ve also been thinking of the passage of time. How I truly won’t be here forever. Am I really living? What actually matters?

And will I ever be everything I ever thought I’d be?

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Boredom

I’ve been exploring this feeling of boredom. It’s a feeling I get from time to time when I crave more excitement, more stimulation. I want to be in multiple places at once. I wish I could both be responsible and wildly carefree. I wish I could be dancing in a crowd but also quietly writing a book.

Sometimes I feel like I am stuck because I’ve fallen into the same old patterns – the same routines.
Life becomes predictable.

I like the predictable. It feels safe and safe feels good.

But then I also get bored. I wish for spontaneity. I want to do something out of the norm. Something that makes me feel euphoric. Alive.

I’m in a relationship but sometimes I wish I were single. Able to just go out into the night to get myself into whatever adventurous shenanigans the moment may have to offer.

Then I think about the comfort of a companion. The nice feeling of having “accomplishments.” Healthy habits. Saving for retirement. Thinking about the bigger picture, my desire to help society.

Can I have it all?

Sometimes I just wanna fade. Melt into the ether. Lay on top of a jeep on a REI mattress waving my hand in the air underneath the stars in the deserts of California on a perfectly warm night. It would be nice if you were there. It would be nice to hear your philosophies. Do you think God is watching us? Do you think aliens exist? Do you think there is life beyond this?

I’d like to go to Burning Man some day.

I’d like to explore more of my freedom. More of myself. More of who I am. More of who you are.

I find humans to be curious creatures. We are so silly sometimes.

I am a ball of emotions. Sadness, joy, anger, fear, peace, rage, boredom. All the things…

What a wild ride. What an experience. What a life. What a world. Just wow. Contemplating it all blows me away every time. It reminds me not to become apathetic, even though I’ve had moments of that too.

I don’t want to lose sight of the magic.
I don’t want to lose sight of hope.
I don’t want to lose sight of love, beauty, faith, joy, all that’s good.

May we be the best humans we can be and may we co-create a good world we are happy to wake up to. Just one big ol’ party. What more epic thing to make of this experience? One big fun, adventurous party!!

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Miss

Do you ever miss someone you don’t even know yet?
Like there is something or someone out there you are longing for?


From time to time I get this feeling.

As if the peak of my experience hasn’t arrived yet. So I live here craving this other moment in the future I know is waiting for me. Or more accurately said, delusionally believe is waiting for me.

I was walking to the farmers market today and this feeling of monotony came over me. It reminded me of the fact that you meet someone, you fall in love, it’s romantic for a bit but then the reality of life sets in. The normalcy. The walking down the street together to run the same old errands. The sitting on the couch. The noises he makes when he’s eating and the dirty clothes that are left on the floor. The romance fades. The butterflies. The fantasy.

Everything just becomes… normal.

Do you think sometimes we create drama out of boredom?

I mean once you’ve got the house, the partner, the garden, the car, the travel – then what?

I don’t know…

Sigh.

I miss you.

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