“That’s me in the corner.
That’s me in the spotlight,
Losing my religion.” – R.E.M

Lately I’ve been cold.

Saddened by the thought that there is no God. That human consciousness evolved by chance. That every synchronicity in my life where I interpreted there being magic it was mere coincidence and wishful thinking. That it is mere chemicals in my brain that give rise to my thoughts and feelings and the interpretations of what otherwise would be a neutral thing. That I came into this world by chance. That I will die and that will be the end.

I’ve been saddened by the thought that there is no hope for humanity. There is no magical place.

Look at us. Fragile. Limited.
Look at the suffering.

I don’t think we need suffering to know peace. I refute the idea that we actually need bad to know good.

I throw in the towel.

I no longer smile when the clock reads 11:11.

Give me the hard facts. Give me the truth. Keep your airy fairy bullshit. I’m not having it.

I move back and forth like a pendulum. I have no answers. Just questions. Just frustration. Just a big sign that says “I quit.” I am no longer doing this for you. I am doing it for me. For what makes me smile in this temporary existence because I just don’t know what’s real anymore. And I blame you. I blame me.

I blame no one.

I don’t even know.