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Reflect Out Loud

"The unexamined life is not worth living." – Socrates

Obscure

Where did we leave off?
Somewhere in the blur.
Somewhere between cheap bottles of wine and fragmented memories.
How many times will I try to piece it together?
Make sense of the story until it feels ok.
Dissecting every inch to find the aha moment.
Wishing I could fade back in the arms of time to fix it.

Why? Why? Why?
What did I do wrong?

From walking on clouds to plunging from heaven.
Hands scraped in the asphalt when I broke the fall.
It stings.

Doctor, do you have medicine?

“Time,” he says.

Sigh.

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Walk.

In a world that is moving faster and filled with constant demands and pressures, it can be easy to forget how awesome you already are.

We get lost in trying to get to the next goal. The next semester. The next title. The next iPhone (Boy, who can keep up with these things!). The next promotion. The next party. The next trip. The next whatever it is.
Yet there is so much to marvel in what you’ve already accomplished. So much to appreciate in the here and now. So much to enjoy in this experience today.

When we’re running frantic trying to keep our lives together in order to build something for ourselves we tend to forget to enjoy the process. To savor the unfolding.

This is your life – right here and right now.
There really is no place to run to because once you get to wherever you’re running off to there will be a new destination set for you then too.

So stop running.
Walk.
Breathe.
Enjoy today.

Take it easy on yourself. You’re doing great! Just enough for today.

*image credit to google images

Okay

This is a note to myself.

Making or feeling like you’ve made a mistake is okay. You can adjust from there. You shouldn’t feel afraid to be you and say what you feel and express yourself freely. If It’s not reciprocated be ok with it and let it be and let it go. Adjust from moment to moment. Forgive yourself moment to moment. Don’t beat yourself up.

You’ll be okay.
You are okay.
Don’t be ashamed for your feelings.
It’s so okay. You are soooo okay!
I promise you’re okay!
I promise you’ll be okay!
It’s all okay!

Ramblings…

“Experience life in all possible ways —
good-bad, bitter-sweet, dark-light,
summer-winter. Experience all the dualities.
Don’t be afraid of experience, because
the more experience you have, the more
mature you become.”

― Osho

Ramblings

What’s there to talk about? The same old thing, the same old stories.
It’s not really “old” though when I really think about it. Every moment is so unique, decorated in its own way, in its own flavor.

I feel like I am going in circles. Chasing something I can’t even describe.
There is this empty feeling I can’t seem to fill.
It isn’t always there, but it’s there, nonetheless.

I want to be happy. Don’t we all? But there are moments where I’m simply not.
Maybe I am ungrateful. And truth is, at times I really am.
I am over trying to cover up the dark side of my self.
Yes. I lie. I cheat. I envy. I hate. I get jealous. I have negative thoughts.
But that’s not all of who I am.
There’s that childish, innocent side. The side that dreams of love, rainbows and peace.
The side that sees no wrong.

There’s also the in between side. Which is a little of everything. That’s who I really am. All of me.

What’s the point of all this I keep asking myself?
What should I live for?
Do I live to chase money so I can buy houses and cars and clothes that leave an impression on people? Regardless of what I do I’ll leave an impression.
What kind of impression do I want to leave? And do I want to impress you or me or a balance of both?
What kind of person do I want to become? What kind of feelings and experiences do I want to be having? How do I even begin to learn what is truly important to me and how not to live to impress others?

I have a hard time answering these questions because I have a long list of “shoulds” implanted in my brain.

According to whose “shoulds” should I live?

I allow too many people to take space in my head and influence my decisions. I feed energy to too many stories.

I also change a lot which makes it hard to even decide on any one thing.
So I am trying to boil it down to experiences and feelings rather than particular details.

Here’s a list:
I want to experience and feel:
Happiness
Pleasure
Peace
Contentment
Confidence
Trust
Fulfillment
Relax
Laughter
Love
Kindness
Belonging
Creativity

Here are some experiences and feelings I want less of:
Fear
Anxiety
Doom
Panic
Hate
Envy
Pity
Lack
Depression
Loneliness
Rush
Confusion

There’s probably a few more I can add to both the lists but this seems enough for starters.

So now that I’ve narrowed what I want to experience and feel more of… how am I going to go about my life to embrace more of those wants?

Good question.

*image credit to google images

Surrender

I think of you less and less, but sometimes familiar places and lingering traces bring me a whiff of what used to be.

I’m learning what it means to be free. To answer only to me. It’s not a feeling I am accustomed to since for as long as I know I’ve lived in large part for others.

I feel like I’m getting closer to understanding what it means to live life. Yet at the same time it seems all too far.

I’m feeling proud of my accomplishments. Taking life one day at a time even when I get really antsy. I don’t have a choice. Surrender is key during moments where I just want to run away, hide or freak out.

I cried on the floor the other day. Then I stared to laugh. I alternated between crying and laughing. Realizing how silly it is to get lost in my emotions when it’s really nothing but a feeling. Realizing how sad it is that one day I’ll have to say good bye to everything I love and possess. A part of me thinks it doesn’t have to be that way. That maybe there’s a way out. That perhaps we can conquer death. Or perhaps we never really die – just simply transform.

There are countless unanswered questions. I’m starting to think it doesn’t even matter in an ultimate sense. Truth is, I don’t know. But truth also is, I want to find out.
Except instead of putting so much pressure on myself to have all the answers NOW, I’m realizing I feel more free when I just allow myself to unfold one moment at a time without straining to get to some end. The journey is the answer.

I’ve grown tired of searching only to find more questions. I’ve learned that not knowing is completely okay and that whatever is, is. It doesn’t mean that I won’t question, it just means I won’t freak out if I don’t know something yet. The pressure is off and the enjoyment of the process is on.

I’ve decided to stop rushing to some place other than here and now. I am learning to surrender and play with life. To let go and not grow upset over small things – or big things. I am learning that life is as serious or as simple as you make it. I am choosing the breezy route – which is the same as the rocky route but my state of mind is really what decides the difference.

Namaste.

To F*ckboys

Fuck you.
Fuck you for doing the samba all over my heart.
For making me think this meant more on your part.
For lying and playing games with my mind.
For taking for granted my kindness, my time.
For making me second guess my own worth,
Every time your call never arrived,
Every time your love was denied.

But I blame myself too.
Because it always takes two.
And I was a fool. Blinded by infatuation.
Making excuses against my intuition.
Jumping through hoops just for a crumb,
Texting you first though it made me feel dumb.
Clinging on to false hope,
Addicted, and you were the dope.
I betrayed my own self just to give you a chance,
And you stomped on my heart with your samba dance.

So Fuck you.
Fuck you, Fuckboy.

You don’t deserve my attention.
I’ve placed you in eternal detention.
I’ve learned to put myself first.
I don’t care if you’re dying of thirst.
I’m moving on now.
I’m better off now.
And I’ve learned my lesson.

*image credit to thatonerule.com

When Inspiration Seems To Hide

I haven’t felt very inspired to write. At least not for your eyes and ears.
It’s like I’ve been cut off from grace.
Well. I am being extreme.
But that is certainly what it feels like.

I’ve been yearning for something I cannot name. Something I cannot describe. And every now and then I get a whiff of the emptiness that seems to follow me like a sticky shadow that never gives up.
I’ve come to understand this as part of my human experience.
I’ve come to learn that running away from my unpleasant feelings only creates more agony.
So now I sit with it.
I allow it to be.
I realize feelings come and go.
They are waves.
Sometimes they are up high. In the middle. Down low. Somewhere fluctuating between both extremes. All over. And that’s ok.

I am learning that there is greatness in simplicity.
There is joy in small moments. Like sitting here and writing this.
Or liking the way I look in my chestnut colored uggs and black leggings I cut into booty shorts.
Not everything needs to be some great accomplishment.
But it is great to be great as well.
And only time and continuous action will bring us there.

I am learning to play Kendama.
At first I sucked real bad. Now I suck a little less.
I can actually follow along ok.
This has taught me that the more you do something you know nothing of, the more you get better. And better. And better. And better. And better.
I’ve also learned it doesn’t have to be about being better all the time. Sometimes you just do it for fun. You just do it because you do it.

And so I write.

Stress and Peace

These are my brief, unedited ideas on stress and peace.

Peace is a lifestyle. It is something that you cultivate. It is something that you practice. And the more you practice it the better you get at it – like with anything in life. You have to learn to be at peace. And it is something that you will improve on as life goes on. There are always challenges both big and small that trigger stress, anxiety, depression, sadness and all other kinds of undesired feelings, bodily sensations and behaviors. Therefore, it is up to you to learn to work with your body and mind to cultivate the level of peace necessary to deal with the external stressor. Some external stresses might be small and easy to deal with like dropping ketchup on your shirt or breaking a glass or something. For some people though, something small like that might seem to be the end of the world. That’s because they haven’t practiced much peace yet. Because if you practice then something small like that won’t affect you at all… and the more you practice even the big things won’t affect you – not even death or loss. Or anything. Because you have mastered peace. And it’s hard. And takes lots and lots of practice and time and dedication. Peace is a way of life. You have to chose it. Because really the alternative is stress and it’s just so uncomfortable living like that.

Just Not Ripe

Sometimes we move too soon, too fast.
We pick before the fruit is ripe.

And that’s okay. Next time you’ll wait.
This time you learn.