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Accepted

Do I dim my light to be accepted?

Must I walk a certain way? Talk a certain way? Look a certain way? Be a certain way — and then I’ll be accepted?

Sometimes it can be hard for me to open up to love

because sometimes I experience rejection and it hurts, and it makes me close off

because I’m loved by others conditionally

Only loved if my hair is brushed or when I’m in shape
Only loved if my skin is youthful
Or if I make enough money and live in a nice place
Only loved if this or that or the other

Conditions, conditions…

-Sigh-

I think the secret is to give yourself the full love you seek from another

To accept yourself fully, without judgement

And to be around others who accept you as much as possible— even if they can’t accept all of you 24/7 365 in all your light, color, size, shape and being.

If you’re fulfilled with your own love the rejection of the other won’t ultimately shake you because you’re already full of love and acceptance; the love and acceptance you’ve already given yourself

Easier said than done, I know

but it’s a feeling you cultivate, a feeling you imprint into every cell of your being
It’s a practice

A practice of committing and re-committing to loving yourself without judgment,

without basing your sense of self worth on what you think you need to be in order to receive love from the other

To not hide or dim your light

We are all on our individual journeys, no one person can be all about you 24/7

So don’t be surprised when they’re not

It isn’t a bad thing, it’s just the nature of relationships

Work on being okay with yourself

(Which isn’t to say don’t take healthy constructive criticism and make improvements as needed for your personal development and growth)

But find that still, loving, grounded, accepting presence within yourself. It is always there no matter what.

The love you seek from the other is already there.

Don’t fear rejection of the other (that happens from time to time and is normal — it does not mean you are objectively unlovable or undesirable)

Reserve your company for those who make you feel good for the most part (No one person can make you feel good 24/7)

If someone doesn’t make you feel good, you have the option to talk through it and work together to make the situation better

If it doesn’t improve despite best efforts, it’s okay to kindly release that person and distance yourself (even if it hurts at first)

-Sigh-

This rant went on longer than I intended it to…

In conclusion,

Living is quite the art—
It’s a practice

Do your best to love and accept yourself
No one else can really do it for you,

Except maybe Jesus?

But that’s a whole other story

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Hold

Hold yourself during those moments where no one else is available to

Sit with yourself and breathe
just breathe

Hold yourself when it feels like everything is falling apart
Hold yourself when it feels like you can’t see the way forward

Feelings aren’t facts, they come and go

Remember you are your guarantee

All things will come and go
All things will pass

You will be the one who stays

What is yours will be yours
albeit temporary


B R E A T H E

Your breath is with you


You can connect to it when you feel alone
When you feel unstable

You are with you
You are enough

What is meant to be will be

You don’t have to force anything or anyone to stay, what is meant to stay will stay
and when it is time for it to go, it will go

Allow the flow
Hold yourself when it feels like there is no one else

You are there
and you are enough

You are not less worthy because something or someone exists your space

You are whole
You are there

Hold yourself
Hold yourself tightly
Give yourself the love you are wishing from another

You can fill yourself up with love
Your love

You are the guarantee
Through the ups, downs, good, bad, in betweens

You are there
Hold yourself in these tender moments



B R E A T H E

DEEP B R E A T H

You are okay
and will be okay

Hold yourself
You are enough
You are complete

The external stuff is in constant motion, the external will change
But you will be there through all of this

Hold yourself through the change

Hold yourself with grace
Hold yourself with compassion
Be there
Present
Holding you

Hold

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Mess

Honor the mess…

The truth is – we take shits
and teeth rot

the truth is we wake up with stinky breath
and get wrinkly with age

we all go through loss
gravity will make coffee fall on your white shirt regardless of your race

LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL

Filled with magic and awe

but you know what it also is?

SAD
PAINFUL
MESSY

Honor the journey
There will be beautiful, fun, exciting days — and there will be difficult, sad, challenging days as well

Hold space for the journey
Find support when it gets hard

You are not alone

and it’s okay/normal/natural for there be moments of mess

Life is imperfect and no one has it together 24/7 365


Relax

Vulnerability isn’t my strong suit

I want to do everything myself, carry it all on my shoulder
Never be weak
Never be wrong
Never have to ask for help
Never be dependent
Never be seen in my imperfection

My ego burns with fury

and I just want to hold it so tight
so tight with my love
and say

“I love you just as you are. Angry. Messy. Crazy. Scared. Wild. Proud. Arrogant. You name it. I love you.”

My ego doesn’t even know what to do with this type of love;
Does it die fighting against it? Unwilling to bend. Standing for its right to be right simply because it can?

Or is it willing to release its grip?
Is it willing to open up and give in fully

Is it willing to be seen in all its light

the good the bad the in between
the beautiful, the ugly the average


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Surrender

There is a part of me who wants to throw a tantrum like a kid who doesn’t get the candy at the store

Sometimes you do everything you can and STILL don’t get what you want

at least not right away, in the timing you want, in the way you want

and that’s upsetting as heck

so I stand with you right now
and I stand with all of us who have felt the pain of a wish unfulfilled

Acceptance
Surrender

Those are the remedy words

It’s true – it doesn’t work sometimes
It’s true – you give it your all and life still says “no”
It’s true – plans don’t always go according to plan

So I breathe

complain

throw a tantrum or two

and go back to the drawing board

The vision is the same, but maybe the pathway is different
or maybe I just surrender altogether

I didn’t make the universe
I didn’t make my body
I don’t make my heart beat
I’m not the one pushing the hands of time forward
so why do I think I need to exert so much force to see things go MY WAY

Maybe if I just release my grip I could let things naturally unfold

SIGH

I don’t know…

I surrender

while at the same time I’ll keep myself open to the way forward

taking action
and hoping for the best

Taking action
and trusting for the best

It’s fair to be upset when things don’t work out
It’s fair to be hurt when you feel cheated

Honor the feelings
Honor your emotions
Honor the ups, downs and in betweens

Let the pieces fall into place

Sometimes we want to ffwd to the good
and have little tolerance for the not good

But apparently life is both good and not good and all the shades in between

and to live is to experience all of it….

For today, I give up control and simply let life show the way forward

oh but one more thing

Sometimes I notice I have a hand to play on how things play out in my life by the way I react to scenarios – my reactions have consequences and those consequences seem to point to where I’m currently at in my development and consciousness

But that’s a whole other topic….

On a side note,
Thank you for being here

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Human

I woke up from my sleep and now I’m in tears

I had no intention to write here

but the idea and inspiration came over me

“Do it later. Tomorrow. Why now?” My mind chimed in,

yet my body drove itself to the phone, carried itself to the couch and here I am. Tears on my face. Lights off. Room lit by a salt lamp and the light emanating from my phone.

Who am I? What am I doing here? What is this experience? Why?

I am wildly human

and sometimes it really saddens me

I see myself in my imperfection

in my humanity

with my needs, wants, expectations

Sometimes I observe myself in action, in my humanity

wanting recognition

thinking I’m better than, thinking I’m less than- thinking this, thinking that — so many thoughts swirling through my head

some days I want to give up

on life, on myself, on the work I do, on everything

and nothing makes me more sad than that part of my truth. That I could get to a point of feeling so broken that it leaves me feeling with a lack of desire for life

I get tired of my own humanity

and I get tired of the humanity of others

I get tired of my experience, because something feels off about it sometimes

I get to these moments where I lose hope for our species. I let the fear, worry, doubt, dissatisfaction win

but it’s for a moment, it’s not all of me

I see the suffering in the world and I want to fix it

I see my own suffering and I want to fix it

what do I have to complain about? I have food in the fridge, a bed to lay in, electricity, heated water that is flowing through pipes that I can turn on in an instant to bathe in. I have clothes, shoes, plants, books, electronics, access to internet, diplomas, a beach less than a mile away.

Yet somehow I still find something to complain about

Sigh… my humanity 😦

I’m sad.

I’m sad for all the people who are struggling. I am sad for all the times I have struggled.

Sometimes I think there is a God. A good God. A kind of God, life, reality and realm where everything truly is perfect. Beautiful, whole, complete and there is no fear— no judgment. No worries. Nothing to do, be, get. Pure bliss. Joy. Rest.
And that perhaps that is the truth of where it’s all at. And that right now we are just having a temporary experience. To learn and to grow. But that in the end we are all safe. We are all okay. Everything is okay. Everyone and everything is good and safe.

Sometimes it’s hard to neglect that there is something truly beautiful happening here. When I observe the perfection of a leaf. The perfection of our bodies — so well designed. The variety of creatures on Earth — each designed so intricately. Everything designed with such precision, mastery, art.

I look around and I see everything that is already working, and I can’t help but be in awe. In gratitude.

At times I feel as if I have no choice but to surrender. To have faith.

Who am I really to even do anything about anything? Sometimes I wonder that too…

Who am I not to?

I can’t let the negative voice win

It’s a constant battle

to get to the light…

I have to keep believing that despite my humanity, despite my flaws, there is something greater orchestrating our world for good

or at least that’s my hope that it ultimately is for good

Ahhhh I don’t wanna ramble your ear off anymore, or your eyes since you’re reading this

Some days I lose hope

but for the most part I believe

I believe and I trust

and I hope that if I do my part, try my best, do my best, give my best and keep hoping for the best — maybe it will be enough

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SUS

Don’t you think reality is kinda sus?

Sus meaning SUSPICIOUS

But not suspicious in a bad way — but more like having REASON TO QUESTION – reason to WONDER — WTF is going on here?

Like tell me how I have these perfectly crafted hands, with these perfectly crafted veins that tell my blood where to go. Blood– this curious fluid flowing through my body like I’m a lava lamp…

My eyes… Have you ever taken a hot moment to really observe the intricacies of the eyeball — FINE work.

Now just observe everything else….

The ocean, a flower, a tree, the stars, the moon, the fucking wind, all the bugs of the Earth and their weird and wonderfully shaped bodies that scare the shit out of me….

Honestly, just everything — have you stopped to just LOOK at EVERYTHING

and then not think WTF is going on here?

How is it possible that there isn’t something INCREDIBLY special (or at the very minimum curious/worth wondering) about LIFE, EXISTENCE, REALITY!?

I have an incredibly complex, intelligent body – I’m a thinking being typing on a fucking laptop living on a “ROCK” floating in space

HOW IS THAT NOT FASCINATING TO THE POINT OF MAKING YOUR BRAIN EXPLODE?

(Metaphorically speaking of course… no brains harmed in the reading of these words — hehe)

But seriously,

WTF is going on?

What is this and what are we doing???

There is clearly something incredible going on here and certainly worth paying attention to

I think it’s harder to argue that this is all a bunch of senseless, meaningless nonsense than it is to argue that there is something worthy of investigation here… Something is up

SOMETHING IS UP

SOMETHING IS <<<

That’s HUGE

That’s insane

That’s just WOW

There didn’t NEED to be something but there IS!!!

(Well, assuming that there didn’t *need to be something is debatable — but there could just as easily never been anything — right? Why is it the case that there IS rather than ISN’T?)

Anyway…

There’s something else I wanted to say

but I kind of forgot what my original purpose of writing tonight was…

the original post was supposed to be titled “EVERYTHING”

because I wanted to ramble on about a bunch of other stuff —

But what was it??

I can’t remember

I’ll have to circle back to it later

Anyway — if you made it to this point — WOW, you’re the real MVP 🙂

You are the real special person who out of ALL the infinite fucking possibilities, made itself to this very moment. And wow…

That amazes me 🙂

Thank you

I love you

Let’s be kind to one another

Let’s make this a beautiful world

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numb

n
u
m
b


that is how i feel


when you give me everything and take it all away
when it seems like it’d be something but it ends up being just another lesson

is it me?
am i too stupid? too mean? too angry? too dumb? too naive? too kind? too blind to see the obvious?

numb… that is how i feel

when i have to live another day i don’t want to
when i watch me move away
when i watch you slip away
when i watch it fade away

you give and give
and you mean so well
and then it all goes nowhere

numb…

i can’t endure the pain
so all i can do is go numb

why?
i wish i knew the why

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Legacy

So I realize I’ve been selfish

Mourning the fact that I am here but eventually will die and everything I did was for nothing….

But I realize I’ve been thinking about it too selfishly

Thinking about what’s in it for ME
and what I’m GETTING from this experience of being alive

and how everything I create for ME I’ll have to let go of and how sour that makes me feel

But lately I started thinking less about me and more about the others
more about how I want to leave the Earth after I’ve been it in so that generations after me could have a nice time — so they can sit on the shade of a tree I planted

Thinking about life in this way has given me new found hope

It makes me less sad to think about everything being taken away from me when I die because it at least gives me comfort to think that at the end of it all I could at least leave something of value behind for others to enjoy long after I am gone

I am thinking of the impact I can make
and the legacy I can leave behind….

I’ve been thinking less about what can I GET and more of what can I GIVE

Knowing that what I receive is a byproduct of all the lives I get to serve and help along the way

I just want this life experience to be as good as it can be for all of the living beings involved

and hopefully I can manage to do that

I also think I’m in love
and maybe I’ll have a baby

lol absolutely absurd… I can’t imagine myself being a mom — that is literally the wildest idea I have ever entertained

anyway — just a thought for now

I still got a lot of traveling to do

and all of that can wait….

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human

Suddenly it dawned on me… we’re all just human

made of the same stuff…

the people I look up to — the celebrities, the speakers, the doctors, the scientists, the artists; the ones with the skills, talents, wisdom, businesses, houses, fancy charcuterie boards and stuff — they are just human

like me…

That realization both scares me and astonishes me

Do any of us actually know wtf is going on here?

Who do you look at for real answers when we are all just as clueless as the other?

We have theories, ideas, and beliefs about what is happening

but who really KNOWS?

*sigh*

If it’s up to us and only us then we’ve got some serious shit to look at

are we consuming too quickly and are we living sustainably?

what systems are ineffective and what needs to be improved — EVERYWHERE, for EVERYONE

if there is no God or higher intelligence who is going to come to save/help us or intervene when necessary and we just so happen to be an evolutionary process that developed by chance then what does that mean!?

If it’s up to us then who is taking accountability to help?

if it’s up to us and only us then if we don’t collectively get our shit together we could fuck our selves

do you want to be fucked by your own poor choices?

I don’t

So what conversations do we need to be having to sustain ourselves and create a pleasant reality for living beings to enjoy?

This is just a reflection, not a sign to panic

but also a good thing for us to think about

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