Search

Open Search
Tag

anger

Surrender

There is a part of me who wants to throw a tantrum like a kid who doesn’t get the candy at the store

Sometimes you do everything you can and STILL don’t get what you want

at least not right away, in the timing you want, in the way you want

and that’s upsetting as heck

so I stand with you right now
and I stand with all of us who have felt the pain of a wish unfulfilled

Acceptance
Surrender

Those are the remedy words

It’s true – it doesn’t work sometimes
It’s true – you give it your all and life still says “no”
It’s true – plans don’t always go according to plan

So I breathe

complain

throw a tantrum or two

and go back to the drawing board

The vision is the same, but maybe the pathway is different
or maybe I just surrender altogether

I didn’t make the universe
I didn’t make my body
I don’t make my heart beat
I’m not the one pushing the hands of time forward
so why do I think I need to exert so much force to see things go MY WAY

Maybe if I just release my grip I could let things naturally unfold

SIGH

I don’t know…

I surrender

while at the same time I’ll keep myself open to the way forward

taking action
and hoping for the best

Taking action
and trusting for the best

It’s fair to be upset when things don’t work out
It’s fair to be hurt when you feel cheated

Honor the feelings
Honor your emotions
Honor the ups, downs and in betweens

Let the pieces fall into place

Sometimes we want to ffwd to the good
and have little tolerance for the not good

But apparently life is both good and not good and all the shades in between

and to live is to experience all of it….

For today, I give up control and simply let life show the way forward

oh but one more thing

Sometimes I notice I have a hand to play on how things play out in my life by the way I react to scenarios – my reactions have consequences and those consequences seem to point to where I’m currently at in my development and consciousness

But that’s a whole other topic….

On a side note,
Thank you for being here

0

Rewind

Song on repeat
Chest sinking
Another wine glass by the bedside

Reflection in the mirror —
Puffy eyes.
Waking up from another terrible dream
Another dream where you walk away
And it’s not meant to be 😥

Sigh…

Today isn’t as bad as its been

They say grief happens in stages

Some days I go on streaks without thinking of you
Then suddenly remember “Oh wow, I haven’t thought about you all day!”
[the irony]

Some days it feels heavy, disappointing, angry
Some days it feels hopeful and even happy
Sometimes I want to share that happiness with you…

Sometimes I want to tell you about something cool I saw,
Share what I think would make you laugh…

Most times I feel mad at you for how selfish you have been,
and mad at myself for how stupid I have been

Yet a part of me wishes we could fix it all.
Can we rewind the tape?
Can we go back to the days when we’d wake up excited like kiddos
When every day felt like an adventure

…

But when I really think about it, I don’t even want to.


How many times can we rewind before we eventually get sick of hearing the same song…

I am better off as the person I am becoming
And I hope you are too

Perhaps when the sun has set just enough times to heal the wounds
Maybe then we will meet again…

or not…

nonetheless, the memories and the lessons will play on



0

Rant

I wanna tell you about the level of pissed I am.

Well.

I’m pissed.

In part at myself. For settling for less than I deserve in every fucking area of my life.

I am no longer interested in fucking pretending.

I am no longer interested in smiling when I do not feel like it.
FUCK YOU AND FUCK THAT,

I am no longer interested in spending my time with people who don’t make me feel good.

If you make me feel shitty – If I have to second guess why I’m spending time with you, and if your company adds no value to my life – BYE.

I’m tired of giving second chances. Of being “NICE.”

NO MORE “NICE.”

No more pretending.

Honestly – YES YOU DO LOOK FAT IN THAT FUCKING UGLY ASS DRESS.

Don’t ask me for my opinion then if you don’t wanna hear it.

I am SERIOUSLY tired of walking on eggshells because YOU are too FUCKING sensitive.

FUCK OFF.
GROW SOME BALLS. and then come talk to me.

I realize I am really upset in this moment.

I’m upset because of my own self.
Because I’ve allowed the external to rock my internal.

I am still learning to manage my internal world.

I also override my intuition at times.
I get a feeling and I override it as so to be “logical” and give the “benefit of the doubt” because you need all “the facts” before “jumping to conclusions.”

No.
When you know, you know and then eventually just break your face when what you already knew hits you in the face.

There’s just a lot of angry, upset, energy coming out from me right now.

But it’s not so much directed at the world.
But it’s directed at me.

But not in a mean way.
But more in a wake up call kind of way,

It’s like here is all this anger, and why do I feel it?

Well… Because I’ve been betraying myself by not being REALLY TRUE and HONEST.

Because I have to follow society’s standard of POLITENESS and bullshit.
What’s more important being polite or being honest?

I guess going forward I want to try to be POLITELY HONEST.

I’m just sick and tired of feeling like I have to walk around eggshells over people’s feelings.

I don’t even know what I’ll title this post.

Angry rant?

I’m not even gonna edit it.

It’s just going to exist here.

Probably one of the posts I’ll cringe at at a later date.

I don’t even want to check for grammar at this point.

Just going to leave this here as a big ol’ mess.

FUCK IT.

>.<

0

Reflections On Trust

What would it take to get you to trust? To let go? To believe that you are supported by universal flow? That every little thing that has ever happened to you whether labeled “good” or “bad” served a purpose?

I’ve been asking to learn to trust.

But I think it’s easier for me than some.

My cross doesn’t seem too heavy compared to others.

There are people going through extreme hardship. Their basic needs are being threatened while I’m over here privileged to be complaining about the pimple on my cheek that threatens my self-esteem as I eat peanut butter spread on a rice cracker. Ya feel me? 

What about them? 

Do they have the right to say: 

“How could I trust when the medical report shows I’m stuck with this disease for the rest of my life?”

“How could I trust when I lost my home and my family?”

“How could I trust when I have no food to eat?”


Hm…

Let’s talk about resistance for a moment.

Reality is.
Whatever is, is. 
“It is what it is” as they say.

In every moment we have a choice.
We can resit the present moment. We could fight against what is by choosing to stay angry, upset, blaming the world, and festering in the dissatisfaction of the hand that was dealt to us.

Or we can choose not to resist. We can choose to remain in trust that despite the deeply shitty shit that is happening in our life it serves a purpose and we CAN withstand, learn, grow, manage and overcome it.

Hm…

But still,
I wonder about the people who just aren’t even aware they have that kind of power.
They are caught up in the struggle for their basic needs and ain’t got time to be talking philosophically about trust and all that airy-fairy, let’s hold hands and have faith type thing.

Perhaps, then, it is our duty to help shed that light. “Our” meaning we, the stronger ones. Perhaps it is our duty to help the weaker. To extend our hand and pull these people up from the ground. But not as so to enable but to support and enlighten so that they can have the foundation and tools to awaken to their power and come in to trust.

      
  

0

There is Nothing Bad About You

Allowing yourself to be means accepting all of you. Even the parts you believe are “bad,” “inappropriate” or “scary.”

For so long I have been trying to deny the darker aspects of my personality. For so long I have been telling myself that it’s not okay to feel sad or mad or angry. I would tell myself that there is something wrong with me because I feel sad often times. I would see myself as a problem when I became angry or upset. I would try hard to change my feelings and to deny my tears with a smile. It is common that when I tell people “I am sad” they respond with something like “don’t be sad,” as if being sad is wrong and something that we shouldn’t experience.
But I am learning that my feelings are valid. All of them. I am learning that my body works in my favor and that my feelings exist to communicate with me.
When I am sad, rather than resisting my sadness, I have to allow my sadness to be. I must allow myself to be sad without feeling sad that I am sad. Feeling sad that I am sad or beating myself up for experiencing “negative” feelings only adds to my negative feeling. It is like throwing more wood, or in this case emotion, into the fire.

Are you sad?

Ok. Good.
It is okay to be sad.
Be sad. Let it be because it is there to help you.
Be there with your sadness right now.
Tell your sadness that it is okay for it to be here and that you have no intention of shunning it away like if it were an enemy. Tell it that you understand that it is here to help you interpret your experience. Tell it that you hear its voice telling you there is something you may want to change or there is something that you do not like.
It is okay not to like something.
It is okay to want to change something.
It is okay to be sad. Breathe with your sadness.

Do not resist yourself. Do not resist your body. Do not resist parts of yourself. Allow yourself to sink deeper and embrace all of who you are. All of who you are is working together for your best interest.
Your body is working in your favor at all times.
At all times your body is trying to heal itself and bring you into homeostasis. Your emotions are working to help you – do not beat yourself up for anything that you feel.
Instead, listen to your body.
Does it feel angry?
Does it feel upset?
Does it feel hurt?
Talk to it.
Listen to it.
Dwell in it.
Know that it is protecting you and trying to bring you into your best place.

Do not feel bad for what you feel.
All that you are, good and bad, is good.
Be. Be all that you are.

0

Blog at WordPress.com.

Up ↑