There is so much I want to tell you it would take me 7,000 years and a day to put it all into words.
So I’ll kind of vomit it all here and see where that takes us. In the wise words of Post Malone, “Ooh, I fall apart. Down to my core” because literally that is how it has felt. Like the deepest part of my soul I didn’t even know I had has been touched in such a profound way I didn’t know was possible. But I only got a taste of it. A taste of pure love.
Speaking of falling apart — this is exactly what I am feeling.
Things have to fall apart in order for the new to come into place. It’s like a demolition.
If you’re falling apart, don’t worry. This is all going to make you grow.
Growing pains. It’s a thing.
Ugh this is one of those where I have a bajillion things to say but can’t really get it out.
My heart is closed.
It is but it isn’t.
It’s just re-directed.
I think I’m becoming a woman. LOL.
I’ve always felt like a girl. And I don’t know how to not be this tiny little girl I’ve always been.
Who the heck do I think I am becoming this woman who thinks she knows something? Lol…
Being human is funny.
I literally feel everything, it’s so much it’s annoying. Do I need a mood stabilizer? Perhaps.
I am this ball of sensations. From bliss, to awe, to sadness, grief, anger, fear, excitement, desire, back to sadness, annoyance, frustrations, all else in between.
Ok. I don’t want to trouble you with my woes and melancholies.
I’m not getting into the specifics.
Here’s what I am learning:
To hold nuance. To accept what is while also taking action on what I can. To regulate my nervous system. To remain grounded. To make space for pleasure and fun not just work and “trying to figure it out”. To not seek the outside to make me feel okay on the inside. To not let the outside make me not okay on the inside. To be okay on the inside as a state of being not a result of what I have or do.
Of course all I want to do is melt into the ether and fall in love with you and forget space and time. Of course all I want to do is be everything and nothing at all. Which makes no sense. I realize nothing actually makes sense.
I went to Improv yesterday. It was fun. And suddenly it dawned on me that life is just ABSURD. It makes no sense. That perhaps there is no embedded purpose, it just IS for no other reason other than it just is. Life IS. That’s it. Why? Because it IS.
ABSURD!!!!
My mind is blown. IT IS BLOWN, Felicia! BLOWN!
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Lately I have also been taking deeeeeeeep breaths. I am trying to embody more. Savor more. Slow down more. Regulate more.
The fact that there are challenges IS what makes this experience SO interesting. Sometimes I fear getting everything I want because then it’s over. What’s there to do? Idk….
Gosh I have so many reflections to share… but we’ll keep it here for now.
Thanks for being here.
If you made it all the way down to these words.
You’re the real MVP.
You give me meaning beyond what I would have alone.
There are moments in time where I feel so bored and so blah about life and where I am headed. I start thinking about all the things that went wrong and how I should have taken action earlier. I ruminate.
Yesterday I heard a powerful message by Shirly Joy Weiss, where she reminds us of how normal this act of having negative thoughts is. She goes on to say that it would be a joke to think that we, as humans, wouldn’t experience negative thoughts and emotions. She reinforces that it would be a joke to think that even spiritual teachers themselves don’t go through difficult moments and have negative thoughts and emotions. She recalls to us that this is a fact of life and it’s one of the most normal of experiences. Hearing her reaffirm these statements just made me feel so much better about being human. It’s ok to be bored sometimes. It’s ok to have negative thoughts. All these things come and go. Even the positive thoughts come and go. Our thoughts don’t define us – not the positive, not the negative. We will experience highs, lows, neutrals, in betweens and all else in the spectrum. This is what it means to be alive. To experience. To learn. To be.
We just have to flow with it and remind ourselves that we are so much more than our thoughts and we have to continue to persevere. Let’s persevere together! We can overcome our obstacles and not feel bad because sometimes we fall a little short. We’re human! It’s part of the program!
We got this. Let’s keep on moving! Keep on dancing to the beat of our beautifully unique soul!
WE ROCK!
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