For a moment there I forgot who I was… like I had early amnesia except it looked more like being curled up in fetal position for hours and crying into my vanilla latte.
On the outside it looks great — sunny San Diego beach life, cozy cafes, bay walks, nature, books, clean sheets.
Inside? A tornado.
Yet, somehow, I lived through it.
As we approach the grand finale of the shit show that was 2025 I have nothing more to do than to bow to life for it’s elaborate, dramatic performance. “Namaste, bitch.” I am thoroughly surprised and speechless. Though I suppose not that speechless because here I am yapping about it.
I am very slowly starting to feel like myself again — a hopeless romantic, addicted to nostalgia and lost in the magic of life. I just want to drift away in unfettered abandon and land gently in the arms of a lover who may or may not exist but surely does in the cloud of my hopes.
Ahhh. Heaven.
Do you ever feel that? In love with someone you don’t even know yet?
Gahhh… whisk me away.
Anyway… I’ve been thinking some pretty negative thoughts and I don’t like it. I believe this has challenged my health a bit. Which is wild since this was the one thing I could say I had pretty dialed in and under control. But time is passing man. I just did my 37th lap around the sun. Whoa… who me!??
I don’t know how to be this woman I’m becoming. Who the heck is that staring at me in the mirror and where’d cute, little Laura go?
Now, suddenly I’m cranky and have the patience of a rabid raccoon.
But I am learning to love me. Not in an arrogant “I don’t need nobody” kind of way. Genuinely. Not a vain love. True love. Compassion. Fascination for the mere existence I’ve been given. I mean, I sort of always hovered around these themes — sometimes much much further away in the distance. But now I am moving closer to myself. Kindly. Unconditionally. Accepting my rhythm without judgment. Without rushing myself to some outcome. It’s still a messy project; a construction site with beams sticking out of the cracked foundation and unfinished wooden framing waiting patiently to be made into something stable. Solid. Complete.
Under construction…yep, that’s me.
Mmm…
Let’s rest here together as we contemplate love a little longer, shall we?
As we contemplate home.
I’ve been yearning for this sense of home, but not the kind that holds an address.
More a person who feels like home.
A person who feels like my whole world.
A bond so deep we don’t need much outside of each other.
Do you think that’s real? Does it exist?
“This, too, shall pass.” – Source Unknown
I remember sitting on this spot earlier this year under the blazing heat of the summer. I pondered my choices and felt utterly lost, without a clue as to where life was headed or what I wanted. 
Today, as I sit here and contemplate life, I feel more certain – though the wind of uncertainty still caresses my skin every then and again. I realize that it’s ok to be uncertain, even though it’s a horrible feeling to me. Everything passes. All is fleeting.
reflectoutloud.com 