I can only imagine her pain…
Someone I know who I was recently smiling and taking selfies at the park with has lost her 17 year old daughter in a tragic car accident. How could we ever have predicted this moment 2 weeks ago. Don’t you wish you could turn back time and change things? Change outcomes?
GAH. The ache.
I’ve been sitting deeply with this topic of impermanence. The passage of time. Death.
I’ve come here to this space to share about it with you a few times.
Because friends, you and I are already dead.
Time and space is just catching up.
Why aren’t we talking about this loudly and wildly? Why are we walking around like zombies taking this whole experience for granted? Taking it all too serious.
Why are our systems not serving us? Why are we turning housing into a commodity to the point we labor just to generate PAPER for a structure that is already created to feed a system that is keeping our energy in survival mode?
WHY AREN’T WE USING OUR ENERGY TO CREATE HEAVEN ON EARTH?
Why aren’t we thinking about how we actually want to contribute to the planet to make it an epic experience vs how can I just make money?
Why aren’t we asking the big questions and solving the big problems?
Why aren’t we doing work that MAKES SENSE for the sake of having a WORLD WE WANT TO WAKE UP TO EACH DAY and contribute to?
YOU AND I ARE GOING TO DIE.
We need to wake up each day as if it were our last. Love like it was the last time. Enjoy our meal like it was the last. BECAUSE IT MAY VERY WILL BE.
Love. Forgive. Give. Help. Be kind. Be good. Make the art. Write the book. Post the content. Heal.
Leave the world better than you found it. It’s up to you and me. No one else.
No. Don’t point the finger at anyone else. YOU be good. You be kind. You do the right thing. ME be good. ME be kind. ME do the right thing. And if we each do this, we will see the ripple effect.
Ask questions.
Make noise. Don’t just PAY MORE RENT. Say NO to rental increases. Say NO to injustice.
—
Anyway.
That is my venting my own pain.
—
I can be so naive at times it borderlines stupid.
It comes from this very innocent place.
I assume people are good. I can easily get lost in fantasy. I am a dreamer. I get excited easy.
But, then, enters reality. It is harsh, unforgiving — cold. Reality is riddled with facts; how things actually are vs how I imagine them beautifully, magically, wonderfully in my head.
The other day I was at yoga and I had this sad feeling come over me. It was the feeling of loss of innocence. I’ve carried so much hope in my heart for so long and I’m afraid life is hardening me. After the news of another dear friend passing away, I am again smacked in the face by ruthless realities. That same evening I had a dream about a puppy falling on rocks and I couldn’t save it, so it died. The dream felt like a reminder of this loss of innocence I’ve been feeling. Like the child-like wonder that’s lived in me for so long is slowly being chipped away by the blows of life. A tiny little part of me keeps on thinking, “even so, I must continue to believe. I mustn’t lose hope. I must not forget the magic.”
Sigh.
I had a woman pray for me at church this morning. In her prayer she mentioned how while in this in between phase, while we are still in our human form, waiting for the return of Christ who will wipe away the darkness and return us to the light, it can feel really difficult. I do hope there is light at the end of all of this. I suppose that’s why they call it faith, right?
Mmm. Perfect peace, unity and harmony with the divine.
I am afraid to hope though. Because I’ve been hoping but disappointments keep happening. Maybe it’s because we are here in this “3D”, human world? I don’t know. I’ll keep trusting, even in my doubt. This little part within, however tainted, is still going strong.
I was watching a Netflix show about Bryan Johnson, the millionaire trying not to die. Have you heard of him? I am very intrigued by his work. I am so happy SOMEONE is having this conversation.
If we were able to beat death — would you want to? What does it actually even mean to die anyway? When a person dies does their consciousness die too or does it live in the ether somewhere like a radio wave or energetic force?
So many questions…
Guys, we can’t keep dancing around this subject by keeping it off the table and then getting all surprised when it starts happening to the people you know and then…. you and me.
What more important for us to be talking about than this?
My understanding is that when the body malfunctions and can no longer host the consciousness then you die. Where does the life force go? Where does the consciousness go? Can the consciousness be preserved?
It seems that our consciousness is “the sum of your learned experiences”. My name is “Laura” because that’s what I was named, but that’s not who I am. I’m nameless in reality. Names are sounds we create with our vocal cords to help us identify objects in space. It’s arbitrary. There’s nothing APPLE about an apple. That’s just a sound we agree to make to point to that thing we have identified in space. Anyway, I digress. And that’s not the point I am trying to make.
The point is…who you are is a memory bank of learned experiences. You are a particular set of memories living within a body. When your body fails it turns off your consciousness. I suppose that means the “hard drive” that holds your consciousness is then lost because the system that powers you fails. SO.. I am wondering…. can we figure out how to transfer this into a new body? A new host?
My mom is aging. Time is passing.
Each day that passes I am aware that it is getting closer to my last.
Each day that passes is like there is this clock that is unwinding and our death bed is being made. How could we not be talking about this??
I feel there are implications on this idea of preserving consciousness. It could be used in a bad way. I’m actually afraid of technology and how fast we are growing with AI and Tesla robots and whatnot. I just hope we mature also. I hope we become more loving. I hope we become kinder. I hope we don’t create chaos or suffering for each other. Sigh. I don’t know.
I keep hoping for a good God.
I keep hoping for magic over reality smacking me in my face.
I dunno.
I’m lost and venting.
But I hope we can find love and I hope we can find a way to find comfort in this impermanence. I hope we can figure something out and I hope that it is GOOD.
Everything annoys me.
Well, not everything, but everything. You know what I mean?
I’m so damn annoyed with the humans. Seriously. Wtf.
We’re out of control.
Not that we ought to be “controlled” but we are still so unconscious and immature it’s annoying.
It’s our idiocy that pisses me off. And what’s worst is that we stand up for our stupidity, our immaturity, our blatant wrong doing. We are such silly little creatures. I’m pissed.
We think we’re something. We think we have the right to claim whatever we want and have rulership over another. I wanna vomit.
Anyway. I don’t wanna sit here and complain in my usual fashion but at the same time I kinda do.
The other day I was walking from the beach and everything that would normally bring me joy like the sunlight, the ocean, the grass, the beautiful homes, the humans brought me disdain. I am disappointed in our behavior. Our lies, our tricks, our infidelity. Our acts of wrong.
But what the fuck are we supposed to do about it? We’re on planet Earth. Are we all supposed to walk around like robots in polite fucking manner 24/7 saying all the “right” things and making no god damn mistakes and just being in some perfect fucking world where everything just goes exactly how we want and everything is dandy and everything is okay and everything is fine and nothing ever goes wrong and everything is perfectly safe and happy and everyone is on their P’s and Q’s and it’s just sunnyville all day and all night and always and ta da – there ya have it?
WTF are we really supposed to do? What is the real way to be? What are the REAL FUCKING RULES. What truly does matter? What truly is RIGHT?????
DOES ANYBODY FUCKING KNOW?????
DOES ANYONE KNOW WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON AND WHAT WE ARE ACTUALLY SUPPOSED TO BE FUCKING DOING SO WE CAN GO AHEAD AND DO THAT ALREADY AND CALL IT A DAY?
Why am I so angry?
😦
Sometimes I feel so angry.
At the injustices. At this nonsense of a fucking world we have created.
I know there is so much good. I know there is so much to be grateful for. And I am. It’s beautiful. There is so much to love and be grateful for. I’m writing on fucking computer for God’s sake.
I’m so thankful. From the bottom of my heart thank you. Thank you for all you do. Thank you for all you are.
But WHAT THE FUCK????
No, really, wtf?
Why do I just wanna get it over with already?
I do but I don’t. I wanna marvel at the existence of all there is for as long as I can. I wanna love deeply and perhaps even figure out how to extend life beyond this body. I believe we can. I believe we can transfer our consciousness to another host/body. I think we can preserve this. I think we can find a way to live and survive beyond the point our bodies give out.
Because what is death anyway? To my understanding when the body stops functioning then it can no longer hold the consciousness. I don’t know what happens to the consciousness when the body can no longer hold it. Does it go up into the ethers where the Wifi is? Does it disintegrate and is no longer available for access? I don’t know but we can research this if we weren’t so fucking busy, distracted, lost or working jobs just for money to pay bills or whatever else other nonsense.
WHAT MORE IMPORTANT THAT PRESERVING YOUR LIFEEEEE, helloooo!!!??
Listen, what I noticed is that if you don’t get hit by a truck or shot or killed in some way, you age until your body gives out. When the body gives out who the fuck knows where you go. I don’t KNOW, do you?
^ Don’t give me your nonsense theory because I’ll be like ok, cute – how do you KNOW – let’s prove and test it and calculate it and measure it and KNOW IT INDEED BY FACT AND TRUTH AS CLEAR AS WE KNOW AT WHAT TEMP WATER BOILS. Ya know what I mean??
Anyway….
What if we could either stem cell our asses or grow some biological body in a lab or even a robot body I don’t care… and what if we could either transplant the brain or electrode the consciousness from one host to the new host??
WOULDN’T THAT BE AMAZING?????? OR interesting????
I dunno.
Just a thought.
All in all I’m kinda pissed and annoyed but I’m working through it.
Bye.
Trigger Warning:
This blog post contains descriptions of death. This topic may be distressing or triggering for some readers. Do NOT continue on if this topic is upsetting or disturbing to you.
____
Have you ever seen a dead body? I hadn’t until today. It didn’t look real. It looked like a wax doll you’d see in the wax museum.
It was my neighbor.
I hear a man’s voice screaming outside my door. I open my door to check what the commotion was. I could see my neighbor’s door open. I thought maybe her dog ran out and something bad had happened to it. But then I see the dog, tail wagging. I see the guy she was dating wailing.
“What’s going on?” I inquire.
“She killed herself.” He responds.
I’m in shock and disbelief. I run into her apartment to see if there was any way to help or save her still. I yell out her name. I go into her room and try to look for her. I don’t see her until I look at the open closet and see her hanging in it. I couldn’t believe what I saw was real. It didn’t look real. Her hands were purple. Her feet purple. Her stomach swollen. Her mouth open and stuffed with what looked like dry blood. Her beautiful blue eyes open. It must have been days that she had been hanging there.
I wanted to touch her, check if what I was seeing was real – but I didn’t. I was in disbelief and in shock.
I walk out. The cops come.
Other neighbors come out. Everyone is crying.
She was a candle maker.
A sweet and beautiful young woman with so much to live for.
She lived in a cute, small one bedroom by the beach.
When I first moved here she gave me one of her candles.
And from then on I only bought them from her.
We weren’t that close, but I loved her and admired her so.
I would have never guessed she was struggling.
We truly just never know.
I wish I would have known.
My heart is broken. Yesterday I had one of her candles lit in my apartment, and I was thinking how I was looking forward to getting her summer collection. I had texted her last week saying I’d love to come support her at the farmer’s market.
How could this happen?
I just wanna say, if you are ever feeling alone or depressed please seek help. Please remember you are important. You matter. Your life MEANS something to people. Don’t let the voices of depression win. You matter. You’re important. You’re important. You matter.
I wish I could shout it from the roofs so every person who needs to hear it could hear it: You are important. You are loved. You matter. Please believe it.
______
Man, do we need a kinder world.
After what I saw today, I’m shook.
What should I direct my energy towards while I still can while I’m here?
I don’t wanna show off or compete or make anybody else feel like shit. Why are we not coming together more? Why aren’t we uniting more?
Why aren’t we making this world a better place for us all to live in?
So many are stressed because of bills.
Because of working jobs and barely getting by.
And that stress leaks into relationships.
We then have all this pressure to look a certain way, to have a certain car, to consume consume consume to make it look like we have it together. WHAT THE F IS GOING ON?
God help me. God help us.
God help our world.
I’m sending love to each and every one of you here. Keep believing for something good. Keep having faith. Keep being kind. Keep loving. Keep being the light. Keep learning. Keep growing. Keep the faith.
YOU ARE LOVED.
YOU ARE IMPORTANT.
Reach out for help if you need it. Don’t go at this alone.
Let’s keep holding on to the light and being more of the light in this world.
There is something so deeply poetic about endings.
Life is constantly in the process of moving, from one moment to the next.
The moment you started reading this is already over, you are now getting to the middle and now the end of this sentence.
It’s all evaporating. Morphing. Changing.
Everything changes.
And what hurts is that sometimes we wish it wouldn’t.
We wish we didn’t have to say good bye to the people and places we love because letting go of something we hold dear is painful.
There is something so deeply painful about going through the loss of what we love.
The loss of a lover, a friend, a parent, our youth.
There is something so bittersweet about this aspect of change. Change is what allows us to experience. To grow. To move through time.
Sometimes it means moving closer to the people and things we want, while other times moving further and further away.
The pain of a breakup feels like the soul is being ripped apart.
The pain of detaching. Healing. It hurts so profoundly.
Wounds can be complex in nature. They have dimension. They can bring both wisdom, sadness, fondness, appreciation, regret. Some wounds are like a soup carrying a mixture of flavors and many ingredients.
It’s so hard to say good bye sometimes.
Yet it’s these very endings that clear the same for the new. For rebirth. For transformation. We must let go of what is in order to step into what is becoming and what will be. It’s the endings that will make way for your greatest joys. For fresh energy to enter your life and new wisdom to be gained.
Until it’s time to say good bye to that too at some point. A new ending from another beginning.
Gahhhh.
I like to think of enduring endings the way you would a tattoo. They’re painful, but you just sit there and take the pain. Sometimes that’s all we can do. Is sit and take the pain. To fully sink into it and feel it. To embrace the shadow, the dark, the hurt, the loss, the sickness, the breakdown, the storm. To look it all in the face and simply endure. Simply be with it. Simply accept that it hurts and that all we can do in this moment is feel the pain. There is no where to go or hide. The only place is here and now and this pain.
Oof.
Boy, I tell ya. This life. It’s a sick, wild, beautiful, wonderful, sad, bittersweet piece of art.
mmmmm
the depths of the depths of my soul craves the depths of the depths of experience
oh how I yearn for those beautiful, precious moments that slip through time and evaporate into the ether
how I wish I could hold them longer, how I wish I didn’t have to let go and could savor this gift forever
sigh…
I get sad sometimes over the passage of time
over the thought of death and letting go
and how this life is temporary and who knows where it all truly leads
It’s fucking nuts honestly
I’m sad over the aging of my mother
and how I wish I could give her the world
I’m sad over my own aging
I’m sad over the suffering that exists…
I wish I could do a million things at once
Go on a road trip on a warm summer day, look at the starts while smoking a joint on top of the hood of a jeep with someone who just gets me and the vibe is just right…. and also write a book, teach a course on personal finance that helps the average worker and laborers know what to do with their hard earned money so they aren’t stuck working so hard without seeing their money actually grow.
I wish I could travel to Thailand, Bali, Spain, Portugal, India, Italy, Greece, Turkey, London, Ireland, The Virgin Islands and swim naked in the ocean in some other beautiful island where the water is calm and just the perfect temperature – not hot, not cold ~ just right.
I wish I could reach more people and help them on their journey somehow, some way. To make friends from all the world and get a flower tattoo on my back to go with the humming bird waiting to kiss it.
I’m fucking sad bro
For all the reasons there exist for a human to be sad about…
A moment of silence please as we sit and acknowledge the dark side…the emptiness… the void…the stuff that we wish weren’t so.
……………………
I wish I could live a thousand lives
Walk the streets of New York City dressed in edgy but classy fashion while living in a beautiful Manhattan apartment filled with books, tapestries, and vintage decor.
Sigh…
At the same time I am grateful
Grateful for the experience of experience
Grateful for it all even though I have no idea what the f is going on
Today I’ve been reflecting on the passage of time.
How time just keeps on slippin’
Tick tock tick tock
and pretty soon we have to let go…
~.~
I’ve been pet sitting as a side hustle
and I had a dog with me for the last 5 days who I grew to really care for
He was so sweet, obedient, and loving.
During our last hour together I kept looking at him and I felt sadness in my heart.
As we played tug of war all I could think of is that in less than an hour I would be saying good bye
he would go back home to his owner… and that would be it.
The fact I knew that pretty soon I would have to say good bye – boy, it hit me.
Because we can really take for granted the time we’ve been given here on Earth. Our time is limited and each second passing means we are closer to expiration.
We never really know when we will say good bye to the people and things we love most,
it literally could be any moment.
This made me think of the importance of cherishing the good moments of this life and to make it a priority to seek more of the good, because what better else could we be doing with our limited time?
Waste it away in an office working 9-5 doing work we aren’t passionate about? No thanks.
When we realize our time is something we can’t ever get back we start getting picky about it
We won’t just say “yes” to random invitations that serve no good purpose in our lives
We won’t accept getting paid less than we deserve
We won’t waste time doing things that don’t fulfill us
because time is limited
and the sooner we understand that
the sooner we can start valuing and prioritizing what we believe is important
Time is slippin’
tick tock tick tock tick tock….
There’s this deep sadness I feel sometimes
Because despite life being awe inspiring, beautiful and filled with lovely moments…
I can’t ignore the other side of the coin
Death, pain, suffering, ignorance, immaturity, injustice, sickness, wrong doings, _______ <insert bad thing here.
The other night I woke up from a bad dream
and I was flooded with tears
Tears because of the loss I’ve experienced in the past
and for the loss I’ll experience in the future.
For all the suffering on this planet
and for how small I feel sometimes in the face of it all.
I had a thought come up about needing to “let go of my ego”…
Something that feels like a recurring lesson
Saying “I’m sorry”
Acknowledging where I’m at fault and how I’m contributing to my problems
Owning up to my mistakes rather than fighting to be right
Not easy to say “I’m sorry” during moments I rather be a brat and stick up for my side of the story.
Sometimes I dance between ideals and apathy
Seeing the beauty and miracle that is life
yet also seeing the ugly and merciless hands of time that takes it all away
I think about my mom sometimes
her aging…
how much she struggled and how I wish I could give her a castle, and everything she could ever dream of
How I wish I could give you the world
How I wish I could save the world
How I wish things were different
How powerless I feel as a spec in an infinite universe
What do you want from me?
I’m here… to die 😦
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