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Reflect Out Loud

"The unexamined life is not worth living." – Socrates

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death

Borrow

Nothing belongs to me. Which is why trying to hold on is stupid.

I can “claim” you in theory, but I really can’t claim you. I can’t even claim me. I’m just passing by.

I can say you’re my friend, but really that’s just a figure of speech because I can’t HAVE you. Everything will end. Everything will pass.

It’s stupid if I try to make you into MY possession.

This is MY boyfriend. This is MY girlfriend.
Even if they stay loyal for life eventually they’re going to die. What happens to YOUR boyfriend then? Gone.

Nothing is yours. Nothing is mine. So why live with this tight ass grip around everything?

Let things come and go in peace. Be in peace yourself. Stop trying to hold on to everything.

Your youth. Your hair. Your teeth. Your body. Your house. Your car. Your friends. Your country. Your fucking toaster oven.  It all fades, my friends.

This isn’t to be dark or depressing but merely to shed light on the facts. This is how it is as we know it (or as I know it at least, I can only speak for myself. Maybe you know some shit about time travel and bending reality or whatever that I still haven’t gotten the memo about).

Until then… learn to release the grip so you can have more fun without feeling threatened by change or loss.

Muah!

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The Shelter… And My Reflections On The Right To Death

I’ve been meaning to tell you about the shelter.

It’s where I work now. Among 134 homeless people. 

I work on the women’s floor. My office sits by the middle-front of the unit surrounded by 54 beds separated by shared cubicles where the women rest their heads every night next to the little property they have.

This job is teaching me about gratitude. Resilience. It’s awakening me to make smarter choices in finances, health, family. It’s teaching me what NOT to do. 

I am seeing how blessed I’ve been, despite my hardships.

I fight back and fourth in my head about this “blessed” mentality, though. Because some people are fully responsible for where they find themselves. Sometimes it’s not a matter of being “blessed” or not but a matter of taking control of your life, making healthy choices and not fucking up.
 
But there are times when people are just struck by sudden misfortune or they’re dealt challenging cards right from birth. Yeah, I give those people a pass — but not forever. The tools, resources and help is out there if you take it, apply it, and make the best of your situation. 

Reflecting on this topic makes me want to talk about death.

I’ve been meaning to write on this subject FOR A VERY LONG TIME NOW.

Contrary to popular opinion, I am a HUGE advocate of euthanasia. 
Not only for elderly people who are suffering with no chance of recovery, but for ANYONE who does not wish to live.

I think people should have the full right to life but also a full right to death.

Why shouldn’t I have a right to my death? It’s MY life – so why do I not have the right to say at what point I want it to end , especially if it’s going to end one day anyway? Shouldn’t I get a say of exactly when if I so wanted to? My vote is yes.

I’m totally digressing from my original topic – the shelter – and am opening a whole other can of worms here. I know.

But part of the reason I am connecting the two is because of the suffering I see. 

I don’t know what happens after death, no one does for certain, I don’t think. 
BUT if we knew that death is in fact a “get out of suffering card” why shouldn’t it be an option for people?

Why should people continue to live in suffering when they can be at peace through death if that is what they truly wish?

I believe in assisted suicide.

I believe that people should be granted a funeral at their time and date of choosing. 
I believe it could be a beautiful and peaceful ceremony where the dying person can choose to pass away into peace rather than remain alive in suffering just waiting to get hit by a truck or slowly die of cancer or even violently kill themselves. 

I know this is a strong statement. And not a lot of people will agree.

But I am sticking to it. 

I am speaking for those who are suffering and in pain and who would rather rest in peace than live in suffering. 

This is what they say:
“I am hurting. I don’t want to live in suffering. I don’t want to be here at all. I just want peace and rest. It’s my life. I have the right to say what happens to it. And I choose to opt out of this suffering I am in. If death truly is the cure to this suffering, please let me have it.”

I’ll probably talk more about this in a future time, but for now – these are my reflections on the matter.
 

 

Ramblings…

Ooh, a text message.
Oh. Never mind. It’s just the lyft ride receipt.

Another day in radio silence.

Oh well. I guess I’ll just keep swiping left and right until maybe someone new comes along. Someone who turns you into just another blurry face in the crowd.

Sometimes I become so detached from my body. Suddenly voices sound like the teacher in Charlie Brown — wah wah wah. Objects are just shapes. Colors penetrate my eyes but I make nothing of them. For a moment I just exist. It’s like I’m a rag doll being tossed around but it doesn’t hurt because I’m disconnected to my body – I’m just watching myself being thrown around – being unraveled by time.

Sometimes I don’t care. About anything. Or anyone.
I see no purpose in life or in anything – especially if it’s true that after all this is just death – the end. No more.

Speaking of death… there’s SO MUCH I have to say on this topic. And a lot of it is contrary to popular opinion. But I don’t care. At one point being gay was contrary to popular opinion – and so were women’s rights – but look at us now.
I’m going to dare to be bold enough to speak up for those of us who just don’t care much for being here. But not right now. Right now I’m tired.
And I just want to write whatever comes to my mind without much effort or thought.
But I think this is where I’ll end it.
Because I’m super exhausted.

And I’ll tell you more about why in the moments to come.

Peace.
Love.

Gnight.

 

Fleeting Time

“How many times can I break till I shatter?
Over the line, can’t define what I’m after”            -O.A.R

It’s like life keeps making me reasses everything.
Can’t hang on to anything. 
 
Everything is temporary. Nothing actually belongs to me. I can’t hold on to anything. And I lose everything. Nothing lasts forever. And I don’t like it. I don’t like it when things get taken away from me. It hurts. 
I want to hold on to things. People. Places. Things. Statuses. I don’t want to let go. 
 
I’m selfish.
I want things for myself. 
I want things and people and places to fulfill me.
To validate me. 
To be a reminder that I am safe and that I haven’t lost. I want to be reminded that I’m okay. 
And that you’re here. And I’m here.
And that you haven’t left. 
And that I haven’t left.
And that everything is the same.
And that it won’t change. 
And that it’s perfect.
 
But it’s not.
Because everything is stripped away from me.
I work so hard to have it all taken away.
My face becomes wrinkled.
My bones become weak.
Everything breaks.
People walk away. 
They die.
They change.
Things are no longer how they used to be.
The corner deli is gone.
This town looks completely new.
What’s left of what used to be?
What’s left of us?
I miss the days when we would roam the city. 
When we didn’t care about buying houses and wedding rings or proper diets. We just stuffed our faces with bubble gum. We just played on the street throwing our shoes in the air because we thought it was funny. 
 
I miss feeling young.
Now I feel old even though I am young.
 
The realization that my time is shrinking is upon me.
That with each day that passes the end of my life approaches. Which could be at any moment. 
At any moment I can be robbed of everything.
And one day I will be.
Time will come knocking on the door and it will say “Time’s up.” And just like that everything I thought mattered won’t matter anymore. Because I will be gone. 
 
Gone like everything else that’s ever left. 
And like everything else that will soon leave after.

Crumble. . . . .

“I am a flower quickly fading, here today and gone tomorrow. A wave tossed in the ocean. A vapor in the wind.” -Casting Crowns

My heart cries….
As I see what I thought be permanent crumble.

Total security, as I know it to be so far, is not real. Everything is changing. Breaking. Dying. Making room for the new to be born.

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