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Reflect Out Loud

"The unexamined life is not worth living." – Socrates

Tag

decisions

Hello, it’s me…

I feel like I’ve been MIA on here for a while.

And right now there is so much I want to tell you.

Where do I start?

So many images flooding through my mind.

I’m trying to figure it out. As usual.

Life’s a fucking trip, man.

My biggest concern is that I am aging. My youth is slipping. Every day. And I want to set myself up for success.

Success according to my standards.
Meaning I feel good and look good and have abundance in my life. Abundance in all areas. For as long as I possibly can.

We can’t always control the outside, but we can always control the inside.

I want to feel connected, inspired, aligned more often.

Which means I need to let go of my limiting, negative internal dialogue.
Breathe. Be present. Stay calm. Trust.

I welcome more gratitude.
More trust. More faith. More confidence.

I am trying to decide what path I am going to be taking in my career. I also need more discipline.

I know I want to do all these great things, and I’ve already started… But I also know where I need to make adjustments.

This isn’t even really what I want to tell you… but these are the thoughts coming up right now.

I just briefly want to touch on my average IQ.

I’m nothing great. I’m nothing beyond standard. Average intellect.

Can someone like me – average, really produce something genius? Something new? Something that hasn’t already been done before.

I mean… I just had a thought in my head right now but I don’t want to go into it right now because it’s too intense to type and I don’t feel like getting intense.

Anyway…

What more can I tell you?

Oh. I’ve been learning to give less fucks.

I mean I still give plenty of fucks but a little less now.

It’s been helping greatly.

Whereas before I felt overly responsible for people’s feelings, now I feel less so.
Whereas before I felt overly concerned about certain outcomes, now I feel less so.

What a relief!

Still a work in progress.

I want to get to the point where I am literally able to just actually say what’s on my mind regardless of scenario. Like fuck you, I’m not going to pretend because you can’t manage your own goddam feelings — and you shouldn’t have to pretend for me either.

That’s how we get a bunch of fake people and create fake interactions based on false presentation.

Fuck that,

I’m vulgar sometimes.

I’m sorry. But not sorry.

Sometimes I am ashamed of my background. Growing up in low class has me picking up certain behaviors, speech patterns, thought processes. And has given me a certain experience of life compared to those in higher class, affluent communities.

I wish I was more educated. Or that I had paid attention in school. I didn’t know better.

But I wouldn’t want to be all proper and not know my hood shit. I actually love both. I love both sides of the coin. I love intelligent conversation, big words, tall postures, class, poise, elegance, luxury.

I also love me some late night grungy nights in a dirty NYC basement where I’m thrashing my head back and fourth screaming “YEAH, DJ SPIN THAT SHIT.”

Best of both worlds.

I also love to explore other cultures.

I can’t wait to travel.

See the world. Learn new things.

“Things.” I hate that I use the word “things” to describe experiences I want because I lack a more descriptive word. There goes that IQ issue I’ve been talking about. My two little brain cells just scrambling in there trying to come up with the right words.

Anyway.

Enough of my  bullshit.

Kudos to you if you survived until the end of this reflection.

Good-bye, it’s me.

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Sage

I burned sage for the first time today.
I guess I burn sage now.

I was never really a fan of the smell. 

But I sort of am now.

I want to talk about influences and how powerful they are.

The people we spend time with leave an imprint on us. 

This is fact.

Who are we allowing to influence us? Are the influences leading to positive outcomes or negative?

Am I allowing the wrong people in? Have I been pushing the right people out? 

A lot to think about.

I am in an interesting period right now. A period where things feel like they’re moving really slow but at the same time they’re moving nonetheless.

 I am playing a slow, long strategy game. When I analyze the facts it’s going to take some real COMMITTED ASS FUCKING effort to get my small ass off the ground and into the next level. 

It might mean less socializing for a bit. It might mean less time for adventures. It might mean closing off to others and being more invested in myself. 

I keep asking whether it really does have to be that extreme? Do I really need to make these strict changes? Do I really need to start saying no? To start pulling away? To start being highly frugal and make big sacrifices? 

Sacrifice my comfort. Sacrifice the person I really care for. Sacrifice my energy. Sacrifice my time. 

A lot to think about. 

And now my apartment smells like sage. 

Ramblings…

“Experience life in all possible ways —
good-bad, bitter-sweet, dark-light,
summer-winter. Experience all the dualities.
Don’t be afraid of experience, because
the more experience you have, the more
mature you become.”

― Osho

Ramblings

What’s there to talk about? The same old thing, the same old stories.
It’s not really “old” though when I really think about it. Every moment is so unique, decorated in its own way, in its own flavor.

I feel like I am going in circles. Chasing something I can’t even describe.
There is this empty feeling I can’t seem to fill.
It isn’t always there, but it’s there, nonetheless.

I want to be happy. Don’t we all? But there are moments where I’m simply not.
Maybe I am ungrateful. And truth is, at times I really am.
I am over trying to cover up the dark side of my self.
Yes. I lie. I cheat. I envy. I hate. I get jealous. I have negative thoughts.
But that’s not all of who I am.
There’s that childish, innocent side. The side that dreams of love, rainbows and peace.
The side that sees no wrong.

There’s also the in between side. Which is a little of everything. That’s who I really am. All of me.

What’s the point of all this I keep asking myself?
What should I live for?
Do I live to chase money so I can buy houses and cars and clothes that leave an impression on people? Regardless of what I do I’ll leave an impression.
What kind of impression do I want to leave? And do I want to impress you or me or a balance of both?
What kind of person do I want to become? What kind of feelings and experiences do I want to be having? How do I even begin to learn what is truly important to me and how not to live to impress others?

I have a hard time answering these questions because I have a long list of “shoulds” implanted in my brain.

According to whose “shoulds” should I live?

I allow too many people to take space in my head and influence my decisions. I feed energy to too many stories.

I also change a lot which makes it hard to even decide on any one thing.
So I am trying to boil it down to experiences and feelings rather than particular details.

Here’s a list:
I want to experience and feel:
Happiness
Pleasure
Peace
Contentment
Confidence
Trust
Fulfillment
Relax
Laughter
Love
Kindness
Belonging
Creativity

Here are some experiences and feelings I want less of:
Fear
Anxiety
Doom
Panic
Hate
Envy
Pity
Lack
Depression
Loneliness
Rush
Confusion

There’s probably a few more I can add to both the lists but this seems enough for starters.

So now that I’ve narrowed what I want to experience and feel more of… how am I going to go about my life to embrace more of those wants?

Good question.

*image credit to google images

Now What? Just Flow With It

You never really know when life is going to rattle you and send you waltzing towards a new direction you weren’t at all expecting. Nothing is written in stone, but even if it were – not even that is permanent. We make plans and set goals for ourselves, then life comes along bringing new factors into the equation.
“I wasn’t planning for this. Now what, life? Everything was so clear! Now I am foggy again.”
Sometimes the curve balls that are thrown at you help you see more clearly what it is that you TRULY want. If your original plan is your true intention, then a curve ball will only serve for the increase of that path. Curve balls that cloud your path and beckon you to question your intentions, show you that perhaps what you really want isn’t what you thought you wanted in the first place.
You are constantly changing, evolving, learning, growing, expanding — so it’s only natural to re-evaluate your goals and life situation as you unravel.
Remember! It’s always important to look within yourself for the answers you seek. You are the ultimate creator of your life and no one else can walk in your shoes. Trust your intuition! Avoid making hasty, rash decisions and allowing the motivation of others to cloud your own heart and guiding system. Consider putting aside all or nothing, extreme forms of thinking and find a balanced way to make the necessary adjustments. This way, we realign ourselves to the path we truly wish to experience at a pace that feels natural and free flowing.
There is no ONE STRICT path — you can color in a new road any time you feel it necessary. This is your life! Draw the picture you wish to see. Take baby steps. Re-arrange when needed. Make changes in the moment you feel ready without putting added pressure on yourself. Don’t rush yourself. Don’t worry yourself. Breathe. Trust your intuition as you go. Let your heart guide you and trust your choices. Don’t be afraid when life brings you new challenges – it’s a sign that you are ready to expand into new territories!
Have fun as you explore. Be kind to your self. Don’t cling too hard to the past – let it pass like clouds in the sky. Embrace each moment and dwell in the present – because NOW is the eternal hour, and now is all that will ever matter.