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Cold

It’s the tail end of summer. The evening felt warm last night but the world felt cold.

I was walking the anxiety away. The pressure on my chest from the passage of time and the news of my mother’s illness weighed on me like a boulder.

So I whipped out what I always do in times likes these…

Pema Chödrön. One of my favorite Buddhist teachers.

I put on my headphones and listened to her calm, soothing voice remind me of impermanence. Remind me to just sit with the discomfort. “Humans don’t just feel good” she said. “Breathe into the discontent.”

I started to again reflect on attachment. How I must accept that nothing is forever. Life is not forever. I can’t hang on too tightly. Not to my youth, not my belongings, not my titles, not the people I love. I must learn to be with what is while it is and to let it go when it is time to let go.

ROAR!

I get it…I hear it. I know it. But it doesn’t make it any easier.

So let me sit with all of it. The part of me that knows better and the part of me that wants to squirm, complain, and throw a little tantrum.

—


On other news…
Lately everything reminds me of you.
There’s a canyon sized hollow without you here.

Sigh.


I am longing to soften.
To rest deeply in my body in powerful surrender. To fill my lungs with sweet, juicy air in full trust that it is all working in divine order. We are not late, we are not early, we are exactly where we should be.

Can I trust?
Can I really, really trust this time?

I am wanting to take the wild leap.

I am starting to think we live in a simulation. Or something sort of similar to it. Life’s too weird, too magnificent, too damn trippy not to lift a brow in suspicion that perhaps something’s up.

Too many strange coincidences leave my radar on alert.

I think I am ready.

I don’t know for what. But I am ready!

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Let

Perhaps love is more about letting go than holding on.

But man, do I wish I could keep you.

Currently, I am learning that the most loving act is to let people be. Let them go if that is what they wish. Let them stay by their own free will.

Perhaps true love is not about forcing someone to stay. It’s not about convincing, manipulating, cajoling. It’s not about begging, hoping and praying. It’s about letting. Let it happen. Let it be.

Perhaps this is the greatest gift we can give another. To allow them to find their own happiness, even if it’s not with you. To allow them to be full — without you. To allow them freedom to truly be who they are without judgment. Perhaps it’s simply sitting with them with your full presence without wanting to take or give or do anything more but allow them the agency to make their own choices — even if that choice has nothing to do with you.

Oh what a love. A love that is simply present. Allowing. Graceful. Grounded. Poised. Unwanting. Unafraid. Trusting. Unattached to the outcome. Okay no matter what.

Oof.

Man, does it hurt. Does it hurt to let go. Does it hurt to detach. But only at first.

I hold space for this pain. I sit with it. I honor it. I don’t numb it, hide or distract from it. I breathe into it. I give it my love. “I am right here.” “I am right here with you.”

I fill myself with my own love. My own attention. My own care. My own shakti. I let it be. I let it all be because I realize I am already whole. I am already free. And I can let you just be.

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Let Go

We have to learn to let go

Things come to an end,
they change

and yes it’s going to hurt

I think about it almost like a piercing…
It hurts in the moment
and through the healing process

but eventually it heals… and just becomes part of your story

You can’t be so attached to things that you don’t know how to be content on your own

Things come and go

and eventually you die — which is the big LET GO…

so don’t be shocked when things end

learn to adapt

learn to let go

(or invent a time machine so you can always go back in time)….

but until then

learn to accept that you don’t control when someone chooses to walk away

or when things come to an end

that’s the process

and that’s okay

let go

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Ramblings…

Ooh, a text message.
Oh. Never mind. It’s just the lyft ride receipt.

Another day in radio silence.

Oh well. I guess I’ll just keep swiping left and right until maybe someone new comes along. Someone who turns you into just another blurry face in the crowd.

Sometimes I become so detached from my body. Suddenly voices sound like the teacher in Charlie Brown — wah wah wah. Objects are just shapes. Colors penetrate my eyes but I make nothing of them. For a moment I just exist. It’s like I’m a rag doll being tossed around but it doesn’t hurt because I’m disconnected to my body – I’m just watching myself being thrown around – being unraveled by time.

Sometimes I don’t care. About anything. Or anyone.
I see no purpose in life or in anything – especially if it’s true that after all this is just death – the end. No more.

Speaking of death… there’s SO MUCH I have to say on this topic. And a lot of it is contrary to popular opinion. But I don’t care. At one point being gay was contrary to popular opinion – and so were women’s rights – but look at us now.
I’m going to dare to be bold enough to speak up for those of us who just don’t care much for being here. But not right now. Right now I’m tired.
And I just want to write whatever comes to my mind without much effort or thought.
But I think this is where I’ll end it.
Because I’m super exhausted.

And I’ll tell you more about why in the moments to come.

Peace.
Love.

Gnight.

 

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Die Before You Die

Release.

Die before you die.

Let go before you let go.
You don’t have to be afraid, beautiful, sweet child. You are okay. And it will be okay.
Learn to not be so attached to any outcome.
Learn to experience each moment fully.
Learn to have fun even when life really sucks.
Learn to be grateful even when it’s all going downhill.
I know this can be hard to do.
I know it almost seems impossible to pull through when you’re looking in the mirror and literally all of your demons and their dark destruction are staring furiously back at you ROARING — telling you, “YOU CAN’T MAKE IT. YOU’RE WORTHLESS. YOU’RE NOTHING. IT WILL NEVER WORK OUT. GIVE UP. JUST STOP EXISTING. NO ONE CARES, NOT EVEN YOU.”
In this moment, when everything seems against you, put your hands over your ears and refuse to listen to those voices and fears that cloud your better judgement. Even these fearful voices serve for your awakenening.
Remind yourself of the truth:
YOU CAN.
YOU ARE.
YOU WILL.
YOU ARE SO WORTHY.
SO BEAUTIFUL.
SO ENOUGH.
SO LOVED.
SO ABUNDANT.
YOU ARE FILLED WITH JOY.
THERE IS NOTHING YOU LACK.
YOU ARE AT PEACE AND YOU ARE AT REST.
There is absolutely NOTHING you need to do, be, have, get, buy, attain, ask for in order to have value because your existence alone is in and of itself WHOLE AND COMPLETE AND WORTHY AND ENOUGH AND ABSOLUTELY BEAUTIFUL, GLORIOUS AND PERFECT.
You are right where you need to be.
You are not late, you are not early – you are right on time – right here, right now, beautifully as you are.
Don’t be afraid to lose.
Don’t be afraid of time.
Don’t be afraid that things will not work out.
Experience each moment as it is without resistance. Or perhaps resist if you must because all of your experience is valid.
Cry if you must.
Sleep if you must.
Take a break if you must.
And know deeply, deeply, that you are being held right now in the loving arms of a life force that holds you blameless, shameless, and perfectly whole.
I love you.
Don’t worry.
Don’t be afraid.
Even when you lose, you win.
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