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Ego

EGO

There’s this deep sadness I feel sometimes
Because despite life being awe inspiring, beautiful and filled with lovely moments…
I can’t ignore the other side of the coin

Death, pain, suffering, ignorance, immaturity, injustice, sickness, wrong doings, _______ <insert bad thing here.

The other night I woke up from a bad dream
and I was flooded with tears

Tears because of the loss I’ve experienced in the past
and for the loss I’ll experience in the future.
For all the suffering on this planet
and for how small I feel sometimes in the face of it all.

I had a thought come up about needing to “let go of my ego”…

Something that feels like a recurring lesson

Saying “I’m sorry”
Acknowledging where I’m at fault and how I’m contributing to my problems
Owning up to my mistakes rather than fighting to be right

Not easy to say “I’m sorry” during moments I rather be a brat and stick up for my side of the story.


Sometimes I dance between ideals and apathy
Seeing the beauty and miracle that is life
yet also seeing the ugly and merciless hands of time that takes it all away

I think about my mom sometimes
her aging…
how much she struggled and how I wish I could give her a castle, and everything she could ever dream of

How I wish I could give you the world
How I wish I could save the world
How I wish things were different

How powerless I feel as a spec in an infinite universe

What do you want from me?
I’m here… to die 😦

Mess

Honor the mess…

The truth is – we take shits
and teeth rot

the truth is we wake up with stinky breath
and get wrinkly with age

we all go through loss
gravity will make coffee fall on your white shirt regardless of your race

LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL

Filled with magic and awe

but you know what it also is?

SAD
PAINFUL
MESSY

Honor the journey
There will be beautiful, fun, exciting days — and there will be difficult, sad, challenging days as well

Hold space for the journey
Find support when it gets hard

You are not alone

and it’s okay/normal/natural for there be moments of mess

Life is imperfect and no one has it together 24/7 365


Relax


Vulnerability isn’t my strong suit

I want to do everything myself, carry it all on my shoulder
Never be weak
Never be wrong
Never have to ask for help
Never be dependent
Never be seen in my imperfection

My ego burns with fury

and I just want to hold it so tight
so tight with my love
and say

“I love you just as you are. Angry. Messy. Crazy. Scared. Wild. Proud. Arrogant. You name it. I love you.”

My ego doesn’t even know what to do with this type of love;
Does it die fighting against it? Unwilling to bend. Standing for its right to be right simply because it can?

Or is it willing to release its grip?
Is it willing to open up and give in fully

Is it willing to be seen in all its light

the good the bad the in between
the beautiful, the ugly the average


Hurt

I’ve been so hurt before.

And I could point at the world and say “You. It’s your fault.”

I could point at life and say “You. It’s your fault.”

Or I could point at me and say “Me. It’s my fault. For not being mature enough. For letting my emotions rule me. For allowing such things as ego to run me. For allowing my attachments to get the best of me. For not knowing how to let go. For not knowing how to surrender. To be okay in the face of what is. To accept that not everything goes my way. And that there are things that I don’t like. And if I can help them, great. And if not, it’s okay.”

I don’t know. I’m still trying to figure it out.

All I know is that I want to heal. And I want not to be ruled by my emotions. Especially not the destructive ones. I want to live awake. Live consciously. But most of all, live happily, freely, abundantly, peacefully, connctectedly and in love.

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