Existence

Magic?

where is the magic?? Really.

I’m waiting for it.
I’m praying for it.
I’m hoping for it.

I’m waiting for that moment where it all comes together

Where I wake up and this whole experience of being limited, stuck in a body, stuck in a place, stuck in this “life” was just a dream

because in reality we are magic

it’s all magic

there is no barrier

no limitation

Everything just flows

It’s all easy

It all makes sense

but are we really just animals that evolved over time due to a big bang that generated all that we see today?

Is there something actually and truly really special here orrrr are we just a bunch of meaningless specs of dirt that pass away with time — and then it all ends? This is your one and only opportunity to live?

I don’t know either way

but my hope is that at the end of the day it’s all beautiful

it’s all good

….

I want to see the magic

March 3, 2023 0

SUS

Don’t you think reality is kinda sus?

Sus meaning SUSPICIOUS

But not suspicious in a bad way — but more like having REASON TO QUESTION – reason to WONDER — WTF is going on here?

Like tell me how I have these perfectly crafted hands, with these perfectly crafted veins that tell my blood where to go. Blood– this curious fluid flowing through my body like I’m a lava lamp…

My eyes… Have you ever taken a hot moment to really observe the intricacies of the eyeball — FINE work.

Now just observe everything else….

The ocean, a flower, a tree, the stars, the moon, the fucking wind, all the bugs of the Earth and their weird and wonderfully shaped bodies that scare the shit out of me….

Honestly, just everything — have you stopped to just LOOK at EVERYTHING

and then not think WTF is going on here?

How is it possible that there isn’t something INCREDIBLY special (or at the very minimum curious/worth wondering) about LIFE, EXISTENCE, REALITY!?

I have an incredibly complex, intelligent body – I’m a thinking being typing on a fucking laptop living on a “ROCK” floating in space

HOW IS THAT NOT FASCINATING TO THE POINT OF MAKING YOUR BRAIN EXPLODE?

(Metaphorically speaking of course… no brains harmed in the reading of these words — hehe)

But seriously,

WTF is going on?

What is this and what are we doing???

There is clearly something incredible going on here and certainly worth paying attention to

I think it’s harder to argue that this is all a bunch of senseless, meaningless nonsense than it is to argue that there is something worthy of investigation here… Something is up

SOMETHING IS UP

SOMETHING IS <<<

That’s HUGE

That’s insane

That’s just WOW

There didn’t NEED to be something but there IS!!!

(Well, assuming that there didn’t *need to be something is debatable — but there could just as easily never been anything — right? Why is it the case that there IS rather than ISN’T?)

Anyway…

There’s something else I wanted to say

but I kind of forgot what my original purpose of writing tonight was…

the original post was supposed to be titled “EVERYTHING”

because I wanted to ramble on about a bunch of other stuff —

But what was it??

I can’t remember

I’ll have to circle back to it later

Anyway — if you made it to this point — WOW, you’re the real MVP 🙂

You are the real special person who out of ALL the infinite fucking possibilities, made itself to this very moment. And wow…

That amazes me 🙂

Thank you

I love you

Let’s be kind to one another

Let’s make this a beautiful world

October 29, 2022 0

Beyond Me

The world is so big.
And there is so much to it.

So much to learn.

The level of information is so enormous that it leaves me paralyzed in indecision.

Hi.

it’s been so long since I have written here.

There is so much to say I don’t even know where to begin.

I hate when I just tell you “there’s so much to say” and then I don’t even say anything that’s truly revealing…

Thank you.

Thank you for always being here.

Through the ups and the downs and the silence.

I want to share more with you again.

To tell you everything that has been on my mind.

I will. Very soon!

What is this experience? This human experience. This body. This stuff. This reality??

Am I just here and then I’m gone??

If I will be truly gone and this is truly all there is — what will I make of it?

not some boring ass shit that’s for sure.

But I’m still trying to figure it all out… (as usual, as always…)

Will I ever really know? Or at least have a confident belief? Right now — all I know is that I don’t actually know the real answer.

I have some answers, like if I drop something it’ll fall and if I put water over the stove it’ll boil after some time… you know, basic shit… but true fundamentals — I still am clinging to what Descarte said, “I am, I exist,” << that I know for sure… but anything further in a fundamental way I am still in process of discovery

damn.

October 29, 2020 0

I Don’t Know

The truth is that I don’t know.

Everywhere I look there is someone claiming knowledge.

But what do I know? Abso-fucking-lutely nothing.

There is so much information. And my barely average intellect can’t even begin to comprehend.

And it leaves me frustrated.

To survive in this world I have to submit myself to work. To provide some sort of service in exchange for credits (a.k.a money, a.k.a physical representation of energy exchange) that I can then use as leverage to obtain other goods and services.

I’m over it. I really don’t fucking care. Why do I have to participate?

I hope the atheists are right – that when you die nothing happens. Because FUCK having to do more stuff after all the stuff I’ve already done.

I don’t want to deal with reincarnation and all other kinds of bullshit. I don’t want to fucking participate in this charade of existence.

It’s nonsense and I don’t care.

Or maybe I do care.

I don’t know.

I just get into these spaces sometimes. These spaces where I really just don’t give a fuck. And then there’s this part of me that feels bad for confessing this because some of you will judge me saying “How could you say such a thing? Life is precious. Don’t be selfish. Don’t think like this. Don’t be negative.”

FUCK THE FUCK OFF.

Let me have my thoughts — you go ahead and have yours.

No. I don’t always think like this. But sometimes I do. And I don’t think it’s bad that I do. I actually at times really do think that not existing is better than existing.

If I didn’t exist I wouldn’t even have to think about whether or not existence or non-existence is better – I WOULDN’T EXIST SO IT WOULDN’T FUCKING MATTER — isn’t that blissful?!

I think it’s fucking blissful.

All this bullshit about good, bad, ugly, beautiful, existence, non-existence, is all a matter of discussion for those who exist and have some kind of a brain to ponder and reflect upon existence. But honestly, I could do without it. And I don’t care if that sounds negative to you.

I mean… suppose there really is some grand fucking purpose to life and it’s some beautiful ass fucking shit… cool? Then what? I don’t get it.

I enjoy the black screen. Those nights when I’m asleep and it feels as If I don’t even exist. I don’t see a need to come back to this bullshit and do things and talk to people and play fucking pretend.

There’s a part of me who feels she needs to apologize for saying the above. But not because I really feel bad for saying it, but because I feel bad for being judged for saying it.

These are my thoughts, though. And why should I hide them?

I don’t really know what the point of this post is. Which I guess brings it all back full circle.

I don’t know why I’m here. I don’t know what the point of all this is. I’m just going along with the system I was born into and trying to do the best with the limited knowledge that I have.

I have a lot to be grateful for. Things could have been much worse for me than they are. Things also could have been much better too, on the other hand. But either way I am who I am and I’m doing my best with what I have.

Some days are better than others. Some days it even feels like it all makes sense.

But other days, I just don’t give a fuck.

But honestly, I just don’t know.

I’m having doubts about sharing this – which is something that never really happens since Reflect Out Loud has always been about me sharing my raw thoughts in a more tangible format.

But I’m gonna share it anyway.

Fuck it.

YOLO, I guess…

I don’t know.

June 6, 2019 0

Movement

Everything is moving. Always.

I’ve arrived at this interesting realization that no matter what I do or don’t do there is a greater force operating on me that wouldn’t allow me (even if I wanted) to just be still. To not have to move forward with time.

It appears that life goes on no matter what.

It doesn’t matter what I do or don’t do because life will go on.

Of course it matters in the sense that depending on what I do or don’t do the quality of my experience will vary. Like if I choose to sell all my posessions and go live on the beach as a bum or if I choose to work a corporate job in New York City the quality of my experiences will surely be different. But removing this aspect of quality aside, what I’ve noticed is that even if choose to do nothing – meaning, I sit in a corner and I simply allow time to make choices for me then I will enevitably keep moving.

The best way for me to describe this is comparing it to the game of Sims. Have you ever played it?

Well. In the game, if you don’t actively make choices for your sims they will go on auto pilot doing their own actions. You must actively take control and direct their actions to control them. Sometimes my Sim might want to cook but I think it should go learn the piano instead. So I must actively cancel out their choice and direct them towards the piano. If I don’t actively make them do what I want they’ll just auto pilot their way through time.

In some ways I feel like reality is like this. I am here. I exist. I notice there is a force acting on me that keeps moving me forward even if I don’t want to. I have choice. Or at least I think I do. (But this is also a subject to further discuss later). Through choice I can have some control over the quality of my experiences.

But the point that I’m really making is that it doesn’t fucking matter what I ultimately do because it appears that reality is embedded with a formula that figures itself out.

In other words, even if I don’t know what to do in this moment, it doesn’t matter because the formula of time is going to figure it out for me. Time is going to push me forward whether I know what to do next or not. There is something operating within reality that is already deciding what’s going to be next even if I don’t know what’s next.

How much influence and power do I really have over my future? Over my destiny?

What the fuck is destiny anyway?

I can tell you what I want.

I want to feel good about myself. I want to own a home by the beach. I want to have a million dollars in my bank account. I want to be in love with you and have you be in love with me. I want to travel the world. I want there to be peace within me and in the world for those who choose it.

Is it going to happen? I don’t fucking know. But I want it to. I want to do my part in making it happen. But it’s not all me.

Also… getting to that moment is a journey. And it’s a silly ass fucking journey. Because you do alllllll this shit to get there only to have it all slip away.

We work so hard to build treasures and in the end we just die. In the end it all fades. And nothing lasts forever. Time takes it all away.

What bullshit.

So I guess the real way to live is not as so to acquire but perhaps to simply experience. Perhaps to simply enjoy the temporary ride.

Wack.

Okay. I’m being cynical.

But it’s kind of annoying to build it all to lose it all. Don’t you think?

May 15, 2019 0

Timing

I am trying to trust.

*Keyword*, trying.

I’ve freaked out in the past. I’ve worried in the past. And literally everything worked out somehow.

I want to be at step 53949 but I’m at step like 89.

And when I tune in to my hard little head the gentle whisper of the universe just says, “breathe.” “Patience.”

And I’m like, “What!? What do you mean breathe?? Patience?? Don’t you see I need this figured out or else I am doomed?”

There are days where I am so confident about it all. Days where it feels like “Duh. Obviously it’ll work out.” And days where I am like, “Guess I’ll just end up old, broke, and alone.”

FFEA6300-E3B7-4736-A071-26A5C05C41A9

I’ve done a decent job at being fairly stupid. At having an opportunity to be more advanced in my career and finances than where I am now.

Then I rationalize that “Everything happens for a reason.” Or that “I am exactly where I am supposed to be.” Or “I’ve taken a detour so I can become who I was destined to be.”

Blah. Blah. Blah. All the bullshit I need to tell myself so that I don’t feel so horrible about my poor decisions.

Maybe I am too hard on myself. Or maybe I am not hard enough.

Honestly, sometimes I am just downright lazy.

And sometimes I don’t give myself enough credit.

Whatever.

I don’t want to make this another one of those posts where I just complain to you about everything.

When I stop with the tales of woe I can actually see the truth of how privileged and lucky I am.

I live in one of the most beautiful places in a privileged country. I have access to good, organic food and clean water. I have amazing, supportive friends. I have family who care for me. What the fuck do I have to complain about?

This post was supposed to be about timing, as you can see by the title above.

So let me touch upon that for a sec.

I exist. There is something rather than nothing. There is a force operating on the atoms within reality. This force is called time. Today, as we know it, is May 13th 2019. It’s 2:33 P.M in San Diego, California where I am currently existing. Out of all the possibilities in this possibly infinite universe I was made to exist here in this moment. And for what purpose? And to what end?

I don’t fucking know. To sit here and write this message, I guess. And maybe, possibly, to inspire the world.

*image credit to google images. Don’t sue me white dude for using your face, please.

May 13, 2019 0

Existential Crisis

So let me tell you about my existential crisis.

I’ve been tossing and turning the “Why am I here, what is the actual point of all this” question in my head for longer than I could remember. I’ve explored theories, entertained fantasies, looked to reason, theology, spiritual texts, philosophy, science, but nothing really satisfied my query.

Existential bullshit aside, I’m also carrying around the weight of the reality I am currently in.

I am at a point where I am trying to figure out what truly matters to me.
Which is such an annoying task because I’m always changing! If I could only stick to one goddam idea and emotion, that’d be grand. But I’m constantly being pulled in different directions by my moods, desires, feelings, thoughts, and ideas.

One day I wake up feeling confident about a particular decision, set on doing particular things, while the next day I don’t want that same thing at all. My mood is completely different. My desires completely shift. 180. Example: I am considering moving to Texas or Florida, even though I JUST moved to California (but more on that some other time).

I am currently giving myself a reality check.
Taking inventory.
Like: You’re 30 years old, you’re making this amount of money, you’re working this type of job, you’re waking up this time in the day, you’re eating these types of food, you’re talking to these types of people, you’re spending these many dollars, you’re doing x y z, a b c…. and if you keep going in this direction you’re likely going to be experiencing these particular results in your future (whatever they may be).

I wish some genius could take stock of everything I’ve done and am doing, enter it into some kind of excel formula and come up with my future trajectory.

Which is what I’m trying to do now… with my average intelligence… and without an excel formula.

Other factors of reality that are hitting me in the face.
I’m aging.
It sucks.
My body isn’t as energized as it used to be.
I can tell my skin is different. My face is more mature. My hair texture is different.

I know on a fundamental level the best thing I can do is to accept myself as I age. The best thing I can do is be kind to myself. To be able to gracefully let go of what was and embrace what is. I know the best thing I can do is to make peace with the new identity I am growing into while having the maturity to release the attachment to the old image of me.

Yada. Yada. Yada.

I know. I get it. Anything outside of unconditional self-regard, self-love, self-acceptance is a recipe for suffering…

BUT – I’m still gonna complain about it. I’m still going to acknowledge how shitty it is. I’m still going to say I would rather not lose my health, beauty, strength, energy, memory, etc. A girl’s gotta vent, ya know?

Anyway…I don’t intend for this post to be about me complaining. You can hear me complain some other time…

My intention is more to share on my struggle towards understanding the real meaning and purpose of life. But given that I don’t have an actual answer yet, and maybe never will, I am trying to create purpose through living a life that feels meaningful to me. I’m trying to figure out right now, in this pivotal point in my life, what is actually going to fulfill me so that I wake up excited to be alive, rather than dreading what I do in the body that I do it in.

There are a lot of details that go into creating a meaningful, fulfilling life – and I am currently trying to figure out what those details exactly look like for me, while also accounting for the fact that I constantly change my mind/feelings/moods.

So in other words, how can I create a life that is fulfilling, meaningful and flexible.

Something like that….

Turns out I didn’t really talk too much about the existential crisis in itself… which often trumps all the day to day “What am I going to do with my life” type questions and goes deeper to ask “What even is life, and why was it given to me and what am I really supposed to be doing with it, if there is even such a thing as ‘supposed’ to, and if there’s not, how do I know that to be true — and who the hell am I anyway, and why does it matter or not matter?”

….

Sometimes I wish I could just be a normal person who didn’t even care or who didn’t even wonder.

January 30, 2019 0

Answers

Sometimes in the dark of the night I wonder why I am here.

What is the point of all this?

Some say there is no point and life is what you make it. Well, how do I know that’s true? And if you respond with, “you don’t” then clearly you’re not even trying.

Hypothesize with me. Dream with me.

Let’s find answers together in this magical maze.

March 16, 2016 0