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Reflect Out Loud

"The unexamined life is not worth living." – Socrates

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faith

Trust

What if I could wholeheartedly trust?

What if I didn’t have any doubt?

What if my trust was so great that it became synonymous with fact?

What if all I needed to do is be exactly as I am and do exactly as I do without being afraid? Without beating myself up?

What if the universe has me safe at all times? That even the dark, unsavory moments of my journey were all part of my learning plan.

What if I could just let go of trying to control all the details. What if I could just trust that the higher order of things is in alignment to my greatest good and I need not fight, squirm, or throw tantrums.

What if I could learn to just enjoy the journey. To not get so caught up in my inner struggle of “Why isn’t this happening sooner?”

If I could just breathe. Just breathe.

If I could stop rushing. Stop yearning. Stop chasing.

Why am I in such a hurry? Why am I trying to be at the destination already? Why can’t I just be okay with the process and not focus so much on the result?

If I could just be here now. If I could just learn to accept that not everything goes my way and that’s okay.

If I could master the art of simply existing.

If I could trust.

I want to trust.

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Reflections On Trust

What would it take to get you to trust? To let go? To believe that you are supported by universal flow? That every little thing that has ever happened to you whether labeled “good” or “bad” served a purpose?

I’ve been asking to learn to trust.

But I think it’s easier for me than some.

My cross doesn’t seem too heavy compared to others.

There are people going through extreme hardship. Their basic needs are being threatened while I’m over here privileged to be complaining about the pimple on my cheek that threatens my self-esteem as I eat peanut butter spread on a rice cracker. Ya feel me? 

What about them? 

Do they have the right to say: 

“How could I trust when the medical report shows I’m stuck with this disease for the rest of my life?”

“How could I trust when I lost my home and my family?”

“How could I trust when I have no food to eat?”


Hm…

Let’s talk about resistance for a moment.

Reality is.
Whatever is, is. 
“It is what it is” as they say.

In every moment we have a choice.
We can resit the present moment. We could fight against what is by choosing to stay angry, upset, blaming the world, and festering in the dissatisfaction of the hand that was dealt to us.

Or we can choose not to resist. We can choose to remain in trust that despite the deeply shitty shit that is happening in our life it serves a purpose and we CAN withstand, learn, grow, manage and overcome it.

Hm…

But still,
I wonder about the people who just aren’t even aware they have that kind of power.
They are caught up in the struggle for their basic needs and ain’t got time to be talking philosophically about trust and all that airy-fairy, let’s hold hands and have faith type thing.

Perhaps, then, it is our duty to help shed that light. “Our” meaning we, the stronger ones. Perhaps it is our duty to help the weaker. To extend our hand and pull these people up from the ground. But not as so to enable but to support and enlighten so that they can have the foundation and tools to awaken to their power and come in to trust.

      
  

Don’t Give Up

I wish you could see how strong you really are.
How capable.

How everything you’ve ever wanted is but a choice away.

That if you believed and saw the light within you’d be unstoppable.

I am learning that in order to make life happen you gotta really want it. You could have your dreams or you can have your excuses but you can’t have both.

It doesn’t even have to be difficult. There are ways to break down big goals into smaller bite size goals that can be easily accomplished. 

What do you want?
Really. 
What do you truly want?

Are you afraid to dream big?

Or are you able to dream but tell yourself it just isn’t possible?

Well. 
I’m here to tell you that you CAN dream big and you CAN make it happen.

The thing is, that BIG dreams require BIG action.

Are you up for the work?
Because nothing comes without energy. 
Energy will be needed to bring about that vision into reality.

It can be done in easy, small steps.

Are you willing to be patient?

Great accomplishments take time.

Are you willing to enjoy the process and be happy in the here and now as you move towards the climax of your life?

Are you willing to remain present? Remain joyful every step of the way?

Are you willing to stay committed? Encouraged even when there are unexpected setbacks?

Life is unpredictable. We gotta learn to adapt. Adjust. Be flexible.

Play. Dance. Move with the flow.

Know that you have everything it takes, keep at it, and don’t give up.

 

Adjusting

It’s been over a month since I’ve had any income. Between my cross country move from NYC to Cali, rent, bills, and food expenses my wallet is starting to shrink.

I’ve gone on a handful of interviews, applied to literally over 100 jobs in a variety of fields, but haven’t actually landed anything. So as I leave yet another interview empty handed, with no job offer and without knowing when exactly my next paycheck will be, my spirit withers.

My mind begins to wander in darkness, spiraling through thoughts of “Maybe I’m not as good of a candidate I thought I was. Maybe I’m at the bottom of the barrel. There must be something wrong with me. Maybe I won’t make it out here, and this whole childish fantasy of mine was just a delusion – just a mistake.”
But as I walk through the streets of San Diego being kissed by the sun, hugged by the gentle breeze, and hypnotized by the sight of the calming palm trees, I’m reminded that I made the right choice even though right now I am not currently where I would like to be.
I remind myself that the journey itself is the destination. I remind myself to trust the process.

 

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There is no need to rush.
No need to fear.
No need to let anxiety or worry run the show.

 

I am choosing to remain in flow.
I am also accepting, digesting and processing the fact that worry, anxiety, stress and even depression are a natural response to not getting what I want, when I want, as I want. These are natural responses to being out of my comfort zone. This is okay to feel. But I am also releasing these emotions as they come up because I am actively choosing to have faith despite of the facts.

I am breathing in flow energy and breathing out resistance. I am choosing hope over fear. I am choosing trust over anxiety. I am choosing calm over stress. I am choosing joy over depression.
I am choosing to enjoy the unfolding. I’m not taking life so seriously, and am choosing to have fun as I move through this period of adjustment in my life.
This is not always easy to do.
I’ve sat alone and cried, thinking “I have no strength. I can’t do this.” I’ve had a day where I didn’t want to get up from bed because I didn’t want to go on another interview to try to convince someone of my worth and why they should hire me. I didn’t want to put another fake smile on my face. Didn’t want to get dressed. Didn’t want to socialize with anyone.
So I gave myself permission to go through my emotions. To accept, love and honor myself in this process. To comfort myself and just say, “Hey, girl, what you’re feeling is totally okay. You’re going through a challenge right now. Who wants to smile and dance when they experience rejection on top of rejection? It’s okay to feel like this. You don’t have to be strong all the time. Be human. Be wildly human.”
Pep talks help.
Texting my woes to friends who encourage me help.Then getting up the next day, remembering that, “Oh, I’m actually a badass, go getter, New York City bitch and a beloved daughter of this universe,” gives me the fuel to keep pushing forward. To keep having faith. To trust the process.

So I breathe. Roll up my sleeves and keep moving.

Reflecting… Out Loud

Who has the answers?
Is it you — girl in the corner twirling a charcoal pencil between your fingers, arched over the sketches of portraits in your high waist jeans and blue 1970’s vest draped over a loosely fitted, eggshell button down shirt?

I woke up from a different version of a dream I had during my childhood:
Jesus comes back and I am left behind.

I see an expansive white light cutting through the fabric of space revealing light shaped figures of men in horses. In the moment it was clear what was separate from the light. And I, left behind, on the other side of the light, suddenly struggled with the realization that I was wrong. I chose wrong. As I frantically fought my way through unfamiliar people and objects in attempt to approach the light to plead that “I didn’t know any better,” my awareness beyond the dream state chimed in saying, “This can’t be right. This has to be a dream.”

WTF…

This week I’ve been contemplating “what’s the point?”

Well. That’s actually a common contemplation of mine.

But it’s more often been in the forefront of my mind the question of “What truly is the point of all this and what is the right answer?” If there is no “right” answer, how do I really know that’s true? How much more right is it to say “There is a right answer” vs. “There is no right answer?” when we don’t have ultimate proof of either.

Sigh.

Let’s talk about psychedelic experiences for a moment. 
Are they real? Or are they simply your brain responding to powerful chemicals? Nothing truly mystical or magical here – only your brain having a response to a disruption in its normal neural circuitry which manifests itself in symptoms like disassociation, distorted vision, distorted sense of time,  blended perception of senses, (seeing colors, tasting sounds), visual hallucinations, among others.  
When we have a psychedelic experience are we tapping into some real, alternate realm? Is there REALLY AND TRULY some other dimension where there are beings of forms beyond the earth existing?
Or is it just your brain making these things up in response to a drug and then people come out of it thinking it’s real when it’s just as fake as a Hollywood movie?

What do you make of the works by Alex Grey?

What is true about the nature of reality?
Do the people who promote the law attraction have it right?
Are we really just energy and we can manifest anything we want into our life simply by becoming a vibrational match?
Sometimes these thoughts scare me. Because if this is true, I am fucked. My thoughts can go to some pretty dark places and the last thing I need is to manifest them into reality.

Co-relation does not mean causation.  

Who really knows whats going on here?
Is it the Scientists? The Christians? The Buddhists? The Quantum Physicists?
Can someone please tell me – why? For what am I here? 
Why is there something rather than nothing?

Does this all truly matter in the end? Or is it truly meaningless? 
Which is it?
What even is “the end?” Is there life beyond this?

If I knew, would I be satisfied with the answer? 
How would I know that I know?

How can I truly know something?

I have my basic senses to guide me. But they’re not enough. There is so much that they do not detect. And my intellect is that of a mere, average human. 

Maybe I’ll never know. What if this “I’ll never know” attitude is what stops me from ever digging to find out? 

Why do I even care?

I wish I didn’t.

I wish I was someone who didn’t care.
Someone who could just live their life in peace. Not feeling the need to seek anything. To know anything. 

Someone like the girl in the corner twirling the charcoal pencil between her fingers.

 

 

Trust Your Unfolding

Try this new method of relating with the circumstances in your life: completely release having to control all the details and timing and just trust that everything will align.

If you’re anything like me then you want everything done yesterday and at the speed of light. You stress and worry about whether or not the things you want will manifest into your life. BUT ENOUGH of living like this. ENOUGH of living under pressure. Wouldn’t life be more fun if you just chilled the F* out? Where are you rushing to? Do you really think that stressing is going to make things happen faster? It’s not. Things will happen at the speed that they will happen whether you stress it or not. So why not chill out and trust the unfolding instead? It’s way more fun this way!

Take the necessary action to get yourself from A to B and then CHILL. Do your part. Whatever that is.

-Wake up early.
-Create a resume.
-Network.
-Research.
-Go to the gym.
-Eat a healthy meal.
-Start that website.
-Create that dating profile.
-Write that blog post.
-Get out of the house and go for a walk.
-Start a savings account.
-Apply to new jobs.
-Tell that person “this relationship is no longer working for me.”

WHATEVER IT IS FOR YOU THAT YOU KNOW YOU NEED TO BE DOING – GO DO IT NOW and WHATEVER RESULT YOU ARE WAITING FOR, TRUST THAT IT WILL MANIFEST.

Co-create your life with the universe.

Release feeling like it’s NOT going to happen. Change that mindset of “I’ll never make it.”

EVERY DAY tell yourself: I AM ABLE TO ACHIEVE ALL MY GOALS. LIFE WORKS IN MY FAVOR. EVERYTHING WILL FALL INTO PLACE.

TRUST!

Take action and release control.
Take action and release control.
Take action and release control.

Trust. Trust. Trust.

SMILE.

Life is working in your favor – STOP LETTING YOUR MIND TELL YOU OTHERWISE.

Start looking at the EVIDENCE that SHOWS you that what you want IS TOTALLY POSSIBLE.

Try this as an experiment: When you see yourself gettin’ all worked up because sh*t’s just not coming together exactly how you want at the speed that you want – BREATHE — and say: I release control in this moment and I relax in the knowing that this is a process and just because it is not in front of me in this PRECISE moment, does not mean that it will NOT happen.

OF COURSE it’s going to work out!
Of COURSE I am going to achieve my goal. I am unfolding into it. I am trusting this journey.
OF COURSE the universe is on my side.
OF COURSE I am loved.
OF COURSE I am capable.
OF COURSE the doors of opportunity will open for me.
OF COURSE my health is going to improve.
OF COURSE I can bounce back from this rejection.
OF COURSE I can heal my wounds.
OF COURSE I can make this change.
OF COURSE I can have a successful business.

OF COURSE! OF COURSE!

YES! YES! YES!

I am here to tell you YES. RELAX BABY! RELAX.
Take aligned action and RELAX.  IT WILL HAPPEN!

Believe with me. Trust with me. Breathe with me. Take the leap with me.

IT WILL HAPPEN!

YOU TOTALLY CAN

YOU CAN. YOU TOTALLY CAN.

YOU CAN. YOU ABSOLUTELY CAN!

You are beautiful.
You matter.
Your ideas matter.

Let go of your fears.
Step into this person you know you are here to be.
Don’t worry about what people will say.
Create your own path.
Create your life according to your rules.

You don’t have to follow the path everyone is walking.
YOU CAN WALK YOUR OWN PATH.

We are living in a time where this freedom to be yourself and express yourself is POSSIBLE.

Now more than ever before we are able to construct life by our own rules.

Believe in yourself NOW more than ever.

YOU ARE CAPABLE.
YOU ARE STRONG.
YOU HAVE EVERYTHING IT TAKES.
YOU ARE A POWERFUL CREATOR.
YOU ARE THE ARCHITECT OF YOUR LIFE.
THE POSSIBILITES ARE ENDLESS FOR YOU.

PUSH THROUGH THIS FEAR.
TELL YOUR FEAR: I AM BIGGER THAN YOU.

Fear is only trying to keep you safe. Thank it.
Thank you fear for wanting to protect me. I appreciate this filter. But it’s time to push through it to grow into the next level.

YOU CAN. YOU CAN. YOU TOTALLY CAN.

I BELIEVE IN YOU.

Loss

I keep writing about loss lately.

Time keeps robbing me of people, places, things and experiences. It is painful.

I keep telling myself I must learn to let go. Learn to let go even before I lose something, because then when that day comes it won’t affect me since I’ve never possessed it anyway.

I’m going through a big transition soon. I’m scared, but also excited for the change.

I feel a lack of strength lately. A lack of motivation. Fear that the future will be darker than the past.

Yet despite this large part of me that feels so afraid, there is still a little light inside that shimers and whispers, “It’ll be okay. Don’t worry. I got you. You’re safe.”

 

Changes

It amazes me how quickly things can change.
How a moment ago we were laughing and holding each other only to never speak again. Would it have felt different if I knew it’d be the last time I’d see you?

I am having a hard time coping with parts of my life’s unfolding. My aging face. My thinning hair. My changing body. My desire to be somewhere further along.
I’m having a hard time with loss. Loss of identity. Loss of youth. Loss of health. Loss of people. Loss of possessions. Loss of status.

I know there is only so much I can do externally to keep it all together. I know that I have to learn to gracefully accept what I cannot change and stop resisting what I can’t control. But it sucks. Damn, does it suck. Why can’t things just work and be my way? Why does it have to be so difficult?

Part of my struggle is internal. Because I cannot sit comfortably with the way things are. Because I tell myself a negative story about my external situation and assign a negative meaning to what is happening to me.

I know that if I want to experience lasting inner peace and satisfaction I have to commit to being kind to myself. I must commit to seeing myself as beautiful, worthy, enough, complete, deserving, lovable and ultimately safe regardless of my external situation.

I’ve started to do EFT – an acupressure form of therapy that helps heal emotional wounds created by excessive patterns of negative thinking. I like to watch and follow along to Brad Yate’s videos. I’ll share a link here.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v6Ua7T01cdY

I am also working to exercise some faith. Faith that even though things may not be completely the way I want them to be right now, that in time, they will be.
Work in progress.
 

 

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