I typed a text but never sent it. I stared at the four words I had written then deleted them, locked my phone and tossed it on the bed.
Have you ever wanted to connect with someone but then didn’t? Because you didn’t want to feel needy? You didn’t want to show you care and be embarrassed?
What nonsense.
A part of me wants to live wild and free. Take the risks. Send the texts. Sell my belongings and just hit the road without a plan. LIVE, ya know? Really live.
And the other part is cautious. Playing it safe. Writing and deleting the text.
This part is holding me back. It’s making my life stiff and presentable so I don’t do anything too risky and mess it all up for good.
—
This year has been so deep and profound. Juicy. Sad. Magical. Too real.
My heart aches and it sings.
I bleed and I dance.
I cry and I grin.
—
Rewind to February 2025 for a moment.
Dang this month scarred me for life.
And every month I’m reminded of it.
—
I suppose that’s what happens. Life keeps shapin’ ya. Changin’ ya. Moldin’ ya. Twistin’ ya. Teachin’ ya. Breakin’ ya and then buildin’ ya up again.
Gahh, I feel it all too deep. So much so I caught myself researching Zoloft.
I don’t know. A part of me loves that I can feel it all and be so deeply FULL SPECTRUM in my experience. It’s fantastic but also incredibly WILD.
Maybe life would be simpler if I was vanilla instead of a rainbow.
I don’t know.
—
I did another life audit today. This is when I sit with my budget, my life goals and vision to determine if I am on track. Am I creating that which I say I want? I assess my numbers. I assess housing prices. I assess land prices. I assess travel plans. I assess the work I’m doing. I assess my actions.
I’ve accomplished many goals, but I am still scratching the surface.
There is this massive power within me I wish to unleash. I feel suppressed. Like the levels of my highest potential haven’t been hit yet. That makes sense though. We’re all on a journey and I just need to calm down, be patient and enjoy the process.
It’s weird though because we’re not guaranteed tomorrow.
But I hope I get to the climax of my experience – and I hope to preserve it for as long as I can.
Lately I’ve been feeling all the feels I might as well be a musical scale.
But sadness is this underlying feeling that never really leaves. It’s always there. “I’m sad” “I’m sad” “I’m sad” plays in my head like tape recorder.
Sometimes I ask the voice why does it feel sad.
It tells me “all the reasons there is to be sad about.”
It’s annoying. Why do I have to feel so much? Then I feel guilty for calling it annoying rather than accepting my experience without judgement. I get sad for being sad. Then I’m double sad.
I’m sad for the suffering in the world. For the people who struggle. For my brother whose mental health has struggled and for all that ailed him in his life.
For the children who starve while Louis Voitton just sold another $2,600 hand bag. Are you fucking kidding me? What are we doing?
No shade to Louis or expensive handbags, but is that what really matters when there are people who can’t even eat a meal tonight?
What happened to your heart, human?
We shame and judge one another. We’re mean. We have guns and wars. We’re still so immature.
I’m sad.
I’m sad because of my own humanity. My own faults. My own shortcomings. My inability to save the world or even myself.
So I’m sitting with myself and my sins. Learning to accept what is without judgement and from this space do the best I can as best I can. Though it feels like it’s never enough. It’s like trying to put out a fire with a teaspoon of water. WTF is me and my little teaspoon really gonna do?
But perhaps if we united our forces. If we each brought a little cup. A little teaspoon. A bucket. A handful. A droplet. A case. A jet. A plane. A prayer. A whatever you can — maybe then we could see the results of a better world.
Will you help be the change?
I dunno man… and then what’s it all for anyway?
Health, peace, freedom, love is what I hope.
I oscillate between sadness, joy, anger, peace, love, hope, disappointment, frustration, fear, excitement, awe, hope, and sadness again.
The sadness gets in my way. It stops me from taking action. I can’t let it.
God, if you’re real will you help me and the world? I may not have all the strength in me but if you’re real and if you’re good and if you can hear me maybe you can please help.
I’ve been exploring this feeling of boredom. It’s a feeling I get from time to time when I crave more excitement, more stimulation. I want to be in multiple places at once. I wish I could both be responsible and wildly carefree. I wish I could be dancing in a crowd but also quietly writing a book.
Sometimes I feel like I am stuck because I’ve fallen into the same old patterns – the same routines.
Life becomes predictable.
I like the predictable. It feels safe and safe feels good.
But then I also get bored. I wish for spontaneity. I want to do something out of the norm. Something that makes me feel euphoric. Alive.
I’m in a relationship but sometimes I wish I were single. Able to just go out into the night to get myself into whatever adventurous shenanigans the moment may have to offer.
Then I think about the comfort of a companion. The nice feeling of having “accomplishments.” Healthy habits. Saving for retirement. Thinking about the bigger picture, my desire to help society.
Can I have it all?
Sometimes I just wanna fade. Melt into the ether. Lay on top of a jeep on a REI mattress waving my hand in the air underneath the stars in the deserts of California on a perfectly warm night. It would be nice if you were there. It would be nice to hear your philosophies. Do you think God is watching us? Do you think aliens exist? Do you think there is life beyond this?
I’d like to go to Burning Man some day.
I’d like to explore more of my freedom. More of myself. More of who I am. More of who you are.
I find humans to be curious creatures. We are so silly sometimes.
I am a ball of emotions. Sadness, joy, anger, fear, peace, rage, boredom. All the things…
What a wild ride. What an experience. What a life. What a world. Just wow. Contemplating it all blows me away every time. It reminds me not to become apathetic, even though I’ve had moments of that too.
I don’t want to lose sight of the magic.
I don’t want to lose sight of hope.
I don’t want to lose sight of love, beauty, faith, joy, all that’s good.
May we be the best humans we can be and may we co-create a good world we are happy to wake up to. Just one big ol’ party. What more epic thing to make of this experience? One big fun, adventurous party!!
Being human is such a wild ride
That’s all I have for today…
Jk.
I’d also like to add that I am FEELING so much and that I’m praying for a breakthrough.
Who am I? What am I doing? What is it all for?
JUST TELL ME THE ANSWERS.
I’m tired of so many aspects of our world as we have it.
I’m tired of myself too.
Of my insecurities, fear, uncertainty, indecision and dense energy.
I’m also tired of my complaining. It’s so annoying.
Living with yourself when you’re annoying af is annoying af.
What else?
I’m trying to see the picture and get the point.
They say “Trust the process”. They say “Just be patient.”
It’s so tough to pour your heart into something and see no return.
It’s like I’m being tested. It’s like I’m delusional.
What are we doing?
The more I learn the more I’m shocked at how unconscious we are. The more you see the more light shines through and it all starts making sense.
The dots connect.
Ugh.
I don’t even wanna share this.
I was also ashamed about the last post I created here.
But this was meant to be a place for my unfiltered thoughts for you to see. And now I’m justifying.
I wanted to tell you about my anger too.
But also, about love, hope and trust.
But I’m tired now so I’ll leave you with this…
I think there’s power in our thoughts.
There’s power in our energy
and I’m having a hard time calibrating mine. I don’t know who I am and what I want, or what the whole point even is. And why does it have to be so dramatic and intense for me? Why do I burden myself with needing to figure out this mystery of life?
To be continued.
Hold yourself during those moments where no one else is available to
Sit with yourself and breathe
just breathe
Hold yourself when it feels like everything is falling apart
Hold yourself when it feels like you can’t see the way forward
Feelings aren’t facts, they come and go
Remember you are your guarantee
All things will come and go
All things will pass
You will be the one who stays
What is yours will be yours
albeit temporary
B R E A T H E
Your breath is with you
You can connect to it when you feel alone
When you feel unstable
You are with you
You are enough
What is meant to be will be
You don’t have to force anything or anyone to stay, what is meant to stay will stay
and when it is time for it to go, it will go
Allow the flow
Hold yourself when it feels like there is no one else
You are there
and you are enough
You are not less worthy because something or someone exists your space
You are whole
You are there
Hold yourself
Hold yourself tightly
Give yourself the love you are wishing from another
You can fill yourself up with love
Your love
You are the guarantee
Through the ups, downs, good, bad, in betweens
You are there
Hold yourself in these tender moments
B R E A T H E
DEEP B R E A T H
You are okay
and will be okay
Hold yourself
You are enough
You are complete
The external stuff is in constant motion, the external will change
But you will be there through all of this
Hold yourself through the change
Hold yourself with grace
Hold yourself with compassion
Be there
Present
Holding you
Hold
There is a part of me who wants to throw a tantrum like a kid who doesn’t get the candy at the store
Sometimes you do everything you can and STILL don’t get what you want
at least not right away, in the timing you want, in the way you want
and that’s upsetting as heck
so I stand with you right now
and I stand with all of us who have felt the pain of a wish unfulfilled
Acceptance
Surrender
Those are the remedy words
It’s true – it doesn’t work sometimes
It’s true – you give it your all and life still says “no”
It’s true – plans don’t always go according to plan
So I breathe
complain
throw a tantrum or two
and go back to the drawing board
The vision is the same, but maybe the pathway is different
or maybe I just surrender altogether
I didn’t make the universe
I didn’t make my body
I don’t make my heart beat
I’m not the one pushing the hands of time forward
so why do I think I need to exert so much force to see things go MY WAY
Maybe if I just release my grip I could let things naturally unfold
SIGH
I don’t know…
I surrender
while at the same time I’ll keep myself open to the way forward
taking action
and hoping for the best
Taking action
and trusting for the best
It’s fair to be upset when things don’t work out
It’s fair to be hurt when you feel cheated
Honor the feelings
Honor your emotions
Honor the ups, downs and in betweens
Let the pieces fall into place
Sometimes we want to ffwd to the good
and have little tolerance for the not good
But apparently life is both good and not good and all the shades in between
and to live is to experience all of it….
For today, I give up control and simply let life show the way forward
oh but one more thing
Sometimes I notice I have a hand to play on how things play out in my life by the way I react to scenarios – my reactions have consequences and those consequences seem to point to where I’m currently at in my development and consciousness
But that’s a whole other topic….
On a side note,
Thank you for being here
When I said “I like this song” … he turned up the volume
and when I was cold… he offered his sweater
have you ever for a moment looked into the eyes of someone else and saw everything you wanted staring back at you…
yet though you were excited you were actually more afraid?
“Does saying yes to this mean saying no to all the other possibilities? Is this really what I want? Is this the right person for me?”
I once heard a love coach say we should settle ON someone, not FOR someone
there will always be other options…
Like going to an ice cream shop and being presented with so many flavors — you eventually have to make a choice on what to order.
I kind of think about a long term partner like that… we eventually have to say yes to someone if we are going to want to relate deeply.
I don’t know…
Do I even want a relationship?
This is the first time I started to learn to enjoy my own company outside of anybody else. And it’s actually been really nice growing more into this “self focused” version of me.
maybe we don’t have to have all the answers right away
maybe we can just let time lead the way
I think the key is in finding balance
keeping yourself whole without losing yourself in another – avoiding codependency
not rushing into a decision
letting time reveal more of the way
while communicating openly and honestly
staying open to love
~*~*~*~*~
we drove off into the morning sun and for a moment I could feel as if I could live into everything I have imagined
we don’t realize that our dreams are fantasies are truly possible until we allow ourselves to feel into it and live it
yet what I noticed is that feeling good all the time kind of scares me
and that fear and hesitation brings me back to earth, back to reality
there is something to be said about this “being in vibration” and being in a certain “frequency”.
I have been noticing my frequency change
and for a moment it’s almost like I am moving closer into heaven… but I can’t sustain it… and I am brought back down
down into my human body with my fears and limitations
with my doubts
my existential crisis
and again, I am alone
I still think of you from time to time
sometimes memories are triggered without invite
Like today… when I glanced over the dish rack and noticed I lined up the plates the way you would…
or occasionally when dubstep shuffles it’s way into my playlist…
and from time to time when I reflect on the mistakes I’ve made and how I could have been better
or when I regret staying for so long when early on I could already tell it probably wouldn’t work
I’m sorry for not being perfect.
Thank you for the lessons.
Thank you for the good memories despite the bad ones.
I wish you well…
~*~*~*~*~
Sometimes I get the urge to text you to tell you you can still count on me…
sometimes I want to tell you about things I’m learning…
sometimes I wanna send you funny things I see on the internet and wish we could still talk
but then I’m like nah fuck that,
because there is still this little part of me that is upset by the bullshit you put me through – which technically is the bullshit I was the one who kept accepting — so who is really to blame?
*sigh*
I guess maybe I’m not yet fully healed from it
and in some ways I feel like the bullshit was necessary for me to learn to do better and be better
I hope you are doing better too
despite the bullshit, I still love you
not like a lover now… but like a human and a friend
the memory of your smile is one of my favorites and I hope you are smiling a lot out there…
…..
sigh
it’s weird when you have let go of someone you love…
:’-(
Omg
It’s been a WHILE
Of course I’m going to say “There’s so much I wanna tell you!”
Because there really is lol
Where to even begin!?
I miss you
I’ve been on quite a journey
There are days where I feel like I’m moving and moving but getting nowhere…other days where it feels like I’m right where I need to be. I move from clarity to confusion
Right now I am going through some changes
My life is falling apart in some ways so a new reality can come into place
I’m sad
Sometimes angry
Other times super happy, excited, hopeful
and then downright depressed “I don’t wanna get outta bed or live” typa thang
But those moments don’t last too long
I snap myself out of it like “bitch, you got shit to do less go”
Then I’ll do everything I can to raise my vibe and keep on keepin’ on
I plan to start sharing on here regularly again
I also plan to actively talk about Reflect Out Loud… something I’ve never really done
but now I kind of want to
I didn’t have a specific purpose for this post
But one thing I wanted to reflect on is how everything falls away
Life is slipping
Some moments are so precious
While others I can’t wait to get through
Everything that was no longer is…
This is coming out like a mess
I feel like a little bit of a mess
Even though my room looks so cute, clean & vibey right now
I’m not sure if you’re going to get any value out of this post…
I hope to come back and share something more valuable
I love you
“How do you take the next step when life has taken apart the whole staircase?”
Song on replay
Late night tears
Stars floating across the ceiling
and I,
still not knowing what the point of it all is
I’m getting to a place of conclusion that even if there is no real meaning to all of this, there can always be the meaning we decide to give it
We are here rather than not here
I don’t ultimately know why at the moment
But I can at least choose to ascribe it the best possible meaning with the intellect and understanding that I do have
and for me,
I want to worry & stress less
I want to be as happy and fulfilled for as long as I possibly can
More peace, more love, more understanding, forgiveness
Growth
and most important: Health
Healthy body healthy mind
Happy being
reflectoutloud.com 