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feelings

Hold

Hold yourself during those moments where no one else is available to

Sit with yourself and breathe
just breathe

Hold yourself when it feels like everything is falling apart
Hold yourself when it feels like you can’t see the way forward

Feelings aren’t facts, they come and go

Remember you are your guarantee

All things will come and go
All things will pass

You will be the one who stays

What is yours will be yours
albeit temporary


B R E A T H E

Your breath is with you


You can connect to it when you feel alone
When you feel unstable

You are with you
You are enough

What is meant to be will be

You don’t have to force anything or anyone to stay, what is meant to stay will stay
and when it is time for it to go, it will go

Allow the flow
Hold yourself when it feels like there is no one else

You are there
and you are enough

You are not less worthy because something or someone exists your space

You are whole
You are there

Hold yourself
Hold yourself tightly
Give yourself the love you are wishing from another

You can fill yourself up with love
Your love

You are the guarantee
Through the ups, downs, good, bad, in betweens

You are there
Hold yourself in these tender moments



B R E A T H E

DEEP B R E A T H

You are okay
and will be okay

Hold yourself
You are enough
You are complete

The external stuff is in constant motion, the external will change
But you will be there through all of this

Hold yourself through the change

Hold yourself with grace
Hold yourself with compassion
Be there
Present
Holding you

Hold

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Surrender

There is a part of me who wants to throw a tantrum like a kid who doesn’t get the candy at the store

Sometimes you do everything you can and STILL don’t get what you want

at least not right away, in the timing you want, in the way you want

and that’s upsetting as heck

so I stand with you right now
and I stand with all of us who have felt the pain of a wish unfulfilled

Acceptance
Surrender

Those are the remedy words

It’s true – it doesn’t work sometimes
It’s true – you give it your all and life still says “no”
It’s true – plans don’t always go according to plan

So I breathe

complain

throw a tantrum or two

and go back to the drawing board

The vision is the same, but maybe the pathway is different
or maybe I just surrender altogether

I didn’t make the universe
I didn’t make my body
I don’t make my heart beat
I’m not the one pushing the hands of time forward
so why do I think I need to exert so much force to see things go MY WAY

Maybe if I just release my grip I could let things naturally unfold

SIGH

I don’t know…

I surrender

while at the same time I’ll keep myself open to the way forward

taking action
and hoping for the best

Taking action
and trusting for the best

It’s fair to be upset when things don’t work out
It’s fair to be hurt when you feel cheated

Honor the feelings
Honor your emotions
Honor the ups, downs and in betweens

Let the pieces fall into place

Sometimes we want to ffwd to the good
and have little tolerance for the not good

But apparently life is both good and not good and all the shades in between

and to live is to experience all of it….

For today, I give up control and simply let life show the way forward

oh but one more thing

Sometimes I notice I have a hand to play on how things play out in my life by the way I react to scenarios – my reactions have consequences and those consequences seem to point to where I’m currently at in my development and consciousness

But that’s a whole other topic….

On a side note,
Thank you for being here

0

true love?

When I said “I like this song” … he turned up the volume
and when I was cold… he offered his sweater

have you ever for a moment looked into the eyes of someone else and saw everything you wanted staring back at you…

yet though you were excited you were actually more afraid?

“Does saying yes to this mean saying no to all the other possibilities? Is this really what I want? Is this the right person for me?”

I once heard a love coach say we should settle ON someone, not FOR someone

there will always be other options…

Like going to an ice cream shop and being presented with so many flavors — you eventually have to make a choice on what to order.

I kind of think about a long term partner like that… we eventually have to say yes to someone if we are going to want to relate deeply.

I don’t know…

Do I even want a relationship?
This is the first time I started to learn to enjoy my own company outside of anybody else. And it’s actually been really nice growing more into this “self focused” version of me.

maybe we don’t have to have all the answers right away
maybe we can just let time lead the way

I think the key is in finding balance
keeping yourself whole without losing yourself in another – avoiding codependency

not rushing into a decision

letting time reveal more of the way
while communicating openly and honestly

staying open to love

~*~*~*~*~

we drove off into the morning sun and for a moment I could feel as if I could live into everything I have imagined

we don’t realize that our dreams are fantasies are truly possible until we allow ourselves to feel into it and live it

yet what I noticed is that feeling good all the time kind of scares me
and that fear and hesitation brings me back to earth, back to reality

there is something to be said about this “being in vibration” and being in a certain “frequency”.

I have been noticing my frequency change

and for a moment it’s almost like I am moving closer into heaven… but I can’t sustain it… and I am brought back down

down into my human body with my fears and limitations
with my doubts

my existential crisis

and again, I am alone




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Memory

I still think of you from time to time

sometimes memories are triggered without invite

Like today… when I glanced over the dish rack and noticed I lined up the plates the way you would…

or occasionally when dubstep shuffles it’s way into my playlist…

and from time to time when I reflect on the mistakes I’ve made and how I could have been better

or when I regret staying for so long when early on I could already tell it probably wouldn’t work

I’m sorry for not being perfect.
Thank you for the lessons.
Thank you for the good memories despite the bad ones.

I wish you well…

~*~*~*~*~

Sometimes I get the urge to text you to tell you you can still count on me…
sometimes I want to tell you about things I’m learning…
sometimes I wanna send you funny things I see on the internet and wish we could still talk

but then I’m like nah fuck that,
because there is still this little part of me that is upset by the bullshit you put me through – which technically is the bullshit I was the one who kept accepting — so who is really to blame?

*sigh*

I guess maybe I’m not yet fully healed from it
and in some ways I feel like the bullshit was necessary for me to learn to do better and be better

I hope you are doing better too

despite the bullshit, I still love you
not like a lover now… but like a human and a friend


the memory of your smile is one of my favorites and I hope you are smiling a lot out there…

…..

sigh

it’s weird when you have let go of someone you love…

:’-(

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Me Love You Long Time

Omg
It’s been a WHILE

Of course I’m going to say “There’s so much I wanna tell you!”
Because there really is lol

Where to even begin!?

I miss you

I’ve been on quite a journey

There are days where I feel like I’m moving and moving but getting nowhere…other days where it feels like I’m right where I need to be. I move from clarity to confusion

Right now I am going through some changes
My life is falling apart in some ways so a new reality can come into place

I’m sad
Sometimes angry
Other times super happy, excited, hopeful
and then downright depressed “I don’t wanna get outta bed or live” typa thang
But those moments don’t last too long
I snap myself out of it like “bitch, you got shit to do less go”
Then I’ll do everything I can to raise my vibe and keep on keepin’ on

I plan to start sharing on here regularly again

I also plan to actively talk about Reflect Out Loud… something I’ve never really done


but now I kind of want to

I didn’t have a specific purpose for this post
But one thing I wanted to reflect on is how everything falls away
Life is slipping
Some moments are so precious
While others I can’t wait to get through
Everything that was no longer is…

This is coming out like a mess
I feel like a little bit of a mess
Even though my room looks so cute, clean & vibey right now

I’m not sure if you’re going to get any value out of this post…

I hope to come back and share something more valuable

I love you

“How do you take the next step when life has taken apart the whole staircase?”

Song on replay
Late night tears
Stars floating across the ceiling

and I,
still not knowing what the point of it all is

I’m getting to a place of conclusion that even if there is no real meaning to all of this, there can always be the meaning we decide to give it

We are here rather than not here
I don’t ultimately know why at the moment
But I can at least choose to ascribe it the best possible meaning with the intellect and understanding that I do have

and for me,
I want to worry & stress less
I want to be as happy and fulfilled for as long as I possibly can
More peace, more love, more understanding, forgiveness
Growth
and most important: Health

Healthy body healthy mind
Happy being

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Silly

Sometimes I think how silly we are to take our lives so serious. How we get so caught up in our own dramas. In our own stories.

It all feels so real when we are going through it. We don’t always know how to separate ourselves from our story. From our circumstance.

Every difficulty we overcame in the past is a memory. A memory now was a very real thing then.

I remember one night where I cried so hard for a boy I liked who didn’t want to be with me anymore. When it was happening it was so painful.

Now, looking back, it feels like nothing. I don’t care about him anymore. I don’t even think about him. It’s just a memory.

So, too, will all other painful experiences eventually be. A distant memory.

All the times I’ve taken life so seriously was a waste of a potential easier, less stressful experience.

When I remove myself from my self created emotional wounds I am so much better. So much stronger. So much more in tune with the vibration of trust, peace, connection, ease and flow. Then I realize what a dumbass I’ve been for doubting and getting lost in my own melodrama.

But it’s short lived. Soon enough I’m sucked back into internal chaos. A chaos that at times I feel addicted to. Accustomed to. Familiar with.

Sigh.

How silly I am.

0

I’m sorry

I am sorry.

For all the times I’ve failed. For all the times I’ve fallen short. For the times I’ve hurt you. For the times I’ve been less than good.

For the times I’ve envied. Felt jealous. Felt superior. Felt less than. Felt worry. Felt fear. Felt anger. Hatred.

Sometimes I feel like I’m in a prison. Sometimes I have no energy. No desire for anything.

I’m sorry for that too.

You are good to me. And I don’t want to take you for granted.

But in this life where everything is slipping away it just feels sort of pointless at times.

Eventually I will have to say good-bye to you. To me. And this truth hurts.

All this effort. All this work. For nothing.

I am sorry for my negative thinking. I wish I knew better. I mean, really knew.

I know conceptually that when you think better you feel better. But I don’t want to just think to think. I want to know.

I want a deeper connection. With myself. With you.

I want to be kind to me. I am kind to the world yet often an enemy to myself.

I’m sorry.

Forgive me.

Be patient with me.

Don’t leave me. Don’t go.

But time is taking it all away.

The plant is dying. I tried to save it. I will try it again.

0

Mean

I said mean things to you and I’m sorry. Underneath I’m just so scared to tell you how I really feel because if you knew I loved you then you’d run.

I toss between giving in too much and holding back.

I hate being in this place. Of wanting so much to say I love you, mean it, show you, and have it be returned.

You say mean things to me too. You make me anxious. Nervous. And unsure of myself.

I can’t always tell if it’s coming from me or coming from you. If you’re the one who makes me feel this way or if it’s within me.

I was so happy at first. Thinking everything I’ve wanted I had found in such a magical, coinciding way.

And now I’m unsure. I don’t know. And I’m just sitting here feeling sad, lost, and confused.

0

Ugh

I’ve been replaying the same song over and over.

Thinking how it isn’t fair that I’m the one on the waiting end of the spectrum.

I obviously know better. That isolating myself from others and listening to sappy music is not the recipe for feeling better.

But I’mma sit here and do it anyway.
Because obviously I want to feel this way.

There are days where I feel open. Excited. Connected. Aligned.

And then there are days where I’m like meh.

This is normal.

Sometimes I fall from grace. I get in my own way. I block my own self.

I get lost in my head. In entertaining my limiting thoughts. Forgetting that I have access to purpose and  source at any point in time as long as I tune into it.

*Breathes*

I know, I know it’s all okay. But right now I want to be a baby about it for a little bit.

 

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