Search

Open Search
Tag

god

God’s Surprises

Every now and then, God seems to send me little surprises. Winks that whisper, “I’m still here. I’m still watching you. I’m listening. I care.”

Like today, when there was an unexpected knock on my door.
In this world, people rarely knock unannounced so obviously I was filled with curiosity, “Who could that be?”

I peeked through the window and saw her—my upstairs neighbor’s mother who’s been visiting for the month to help her daughter. My neighbor is from Brazil, like me, which is something that has bonded us in a tender way. Her mother is a small woman. Her round frame carrying the kind of softness that makes you instantly think of comfort food and unconditional love. The kind of figure that reminds me of an Italian nonna, only in this case, a Brazilian mãe.

She was beaming, holding up a blue-lidded Tupperware like a trophy. Inside: a generous slice of carrot cake covered in glossy brigadeiro icing, our national chocolate treasure. The sight alone felt like home.

Her gesture was so simple, yet it landed in my heart like a divine reminder: You are not forgotten. Not by God, not by humanity, not by life itself. At least that’s the story I chose to believe. And it’s far better than the other one where miracles have dried up and the heavens have turned away.

Because the truth is, life can be unbearably dark sometimes. Heavy enough to crush and test my faith. But then, in moments like this, an old-fashioned knock at the door, a motherly smile, a Tupperware of sweetness…I find myself believing again.

So when in doubt, choose kindness.

0

Incredible

I was petting Luna the dog and felt so inspired to write this after.

I was observing just how perfect all her hairs are. I noticed my hand petting her and the sensory experience of “feeling”. I am marveled at the incredible design work of existence.

There is no way you can convince me there isn’t something incredibly special happening right before our eyes. I am speechless in the face of it all. How intelligently designed our reality is. I am marveled. Taken aback and breathless.

When I stop to contemplate it all I cannot help but feel this ecstatic wonder. Deep excitement! Why would we take this experience for granted? How could we walk around numbed and dull? Are we drugged and hypnotized into thinking any of this is just “normal”? GAHHHHH, I want to shout it from the rooftops and mountains – “WE EXIST!!! AND IT’S EPIC!!!”

It excites me so much I want to sing. I want to turn my life into a musical. I want to dance, prance, skip, hop, and twirl into the ethers like a fairy.


How are we not LOSING it with blissful awe at the magic that is before us?

I want to be lost in the magic every day. I want to ADORE each moment, even the ones I rather not experience.

Let’s hold hands and co-create something beautiful. Something we are excited to wake up to and play in.
It’s up to us. We are the ones co-creating the systems, the laws, the roads, the cars, the twinkies.

It’s us.

It’s up to us.

0

Reality

Why reality gotta come and smack me in my face?

I’ve been here, dreaming
Thinking about the magic
Waiting for when the big “surprise” happens. The moment the angels come out from behind the curtains with our loving, hilarious, beautiful God who greets us with all the abundance, love, joy, connection and “joke’s on you” realization. We all melt into peace. We all melt into ecstasy. Into perfect embrace.

But then in busts Reality- cynical, unshaven, holding a ciggarette: “It’s bullshit. It’s all bullshit, kid. There ain’t no magic and it don’t mean shit.”

—

The other day I was sitting at a table having lunch with some people. A woman shared about the children she teaches who believe in Santa Claus. It made me think of all the stuff we’re told when we are little — when we don’t know any better. We watched the Disney movies. We were told about love. We were told about a prince and talking animals.

Then we grow older. We’re told about jobs, money, and “no”. We’re told to sit up straight. Pay attention. Be proper. Chew with your mouth closed.

Then we’re told it’s all a lie – there is no Santa, no tooth fairy, no prince. Reality. It smacks you in the face and blows a cloud of cancer stick smoke into your eyes.

I’m kinda pissed. What am I to believe in at this point?

Yet despite the fact of the matter I cannot help but wonder… is there still magic?

If you figure out how it all works does it stop being magic?
If you can create it and re-create it does it stop being mysterious?

But what even is IT?

I know we give names to what is observable. We’ve learned to identify what we see and feel. We’ve learned how it operates. We’ve learned to manipulate what is so it yields predictable results. But have we actually understood IT itself?

What IS IT?

Idk. I don’t want to get too philosophical today. I think I just wanted to complain just a little.

What would ever be enough?

What would need to come to be in order for us to just be okay? What’s all this doing about anyway? What are we trying to get at?

SIGH.

I gotta believe. I choose to keep having faith.

0

Trust

The other day I heard myself say, “Perhaps, after all, there is no magic.”

My heart broken at the thought of a meaningless universe.

I’m holding my breath in anticipation that everything will turn around and the sneaky suspicion that there is something beautiful here for us is going to finally reveal itself and it will all make sense. All the pain, the hardships, the sadness, the difficult times — it will all be for a good and greater purpose.

I gotta trust. I gotta keep believing.
I gotta keep having faith even when I want to collapse instead.

So I pick up the pieces of my wounded little soul and wipe the tear off my cheek. I remind myself I am a warrior. I am strong. I am capable. I am resilient. I am here for a reason.

If only I could stop playing small. If only I could release all this dirt from my DNA and re-wire, re-program, re-code myself into the light. Calibrate myself into the frame of existence where I own my world. I own my reality. I’m not lost or afraid or feeling out of control. Defeated.

So much energy spent on processing nonsense. On being in “Woe is me” mentality. Sulking. Complaining. Drowning in this muck. Giving my power away. Feeling like the forces that are trying to sink me are so much greater than me. Gasping for hope.

WHERE ARE YOU GOD? Were you ever even there?

What is this? Who am I? Why am I in this constant state of dis- ease when I KNOW deep down in my bones there is so much more than that. Yet I can’t seem to tap into it. I can’t seem to cross over.

I keep reaching, reaching, reaching — falling back down.
Reaching, striving, reaching, reaching — falling further down in quantum quicksand.

sizufdhgidhfgidhfbodhf. It angers me. Annoys me. I can’t get away from me. 24/7 stuck in this body which in truth I love so much. “I love you.” I whisper to myself. “I care.” “I’m here.” “I’m listening.”

I sink deeper into my body. Craving ecstasy, freedom, boundless unity and mass expansion. I want to melt into the nothing. I want to become one with the ethers. I want to be free.

0

Purpose

For a moment I closed my eyes and I could see it…
True peace
True health
True well-being
Safety

A deep knowing of it all being okay
Feeling connected
Cared for
Loved

This is how we should be living

Not in fear, scarcity, pay-check to pay-check

There are moments where I feel so much certainty over the plan of God over our lives.
That we are meant to be well. We are meant for havingness, abundance, freedom, joy, connection, love, peace. This is where we are meant to be living from.

Deep down I feel like I know this to be true to my core.

I can hear it in the music.
I can picture it in my mind.

Why have we gone so astray?

I feel so small in the face of it all. It’s so noisy sometimes I can’t find who I am. I can’t hear my own voice. I can’t tell if you’re really there.

God I thought you were real. I thought you were there. I thought you cared. I thought we mattered. Don’t let the world suffer.

0

Stars

I looked up at the stars tonight and thought of you

I took a deep breath of the cool late night air and for a moment it’s as if I could feel you

You came into my life out of nowhere
I didn’t think I’d ever see you again

What a curious encounter.
What weird timing.

I don’t feel like I’m mature enough.
Mature to give you what you want and need.

I’m still afraid. I’m still insecure. Like a little girl. I’m shy. Squirmish. I’m still playing oh so small.

And I’m kinda pissed about it. I’m mad at myself because I’m not growing fast enough. I’m not living at the highest embodied version of myself.

I feel locked and oppressed. Sometimes heavy. Dense. My light is dim.

This doesn’t just impact me, but it also impacts my ability to lift more people. I can’t pour from an empty cup.

But that’s gotta change.

I want to be in your frequency. I want to be in your world. Even if it’s just for a little while.

They say when you meet “the one” you would know. Do you believe there is a “the one” out there for you? The one who makes it all make sense? The one who feels like home? The one who feels “right”? Like “yesss— THIS!”

The one who you feel at peace with even in silence. Where you feel safe, seen, understood and heard? The one you could lay your head on their shoulder and talk with for hours about the mysteries of the universe?

Is that person real?

I’d love to make you an avocado toast
and a yogurt bowl topped with fresh fruits we picked from the garden

I’d like for the day to move slowly
For the birds to happily chirp
For the windows to be big, bright and the ceilings tall

I’d like to feel healthy and vibrant
connected to the Universe

True peace

Heaven on Earth

0

disappointment

if I could describe our relationship in one word,

”disappointment” would probably be a good one.

———

and I hate that

because I don’t wanna think of you that way

and I don’t wanna feel that

and I hate that it IS that

And therefore, it has to be rectified.

Perhaps with an ending and going our separate ways. Perhaps with becoming better as individuals and meeting back up when the time is right. Perhaps with simply acknowledging and accepting what is and not making anything of it. Perhaps some whole other outcome I can’t even think of.

but it can’t be like this

I can’t let it be a disappointment

I can’t let it be less that perfect

it IS

or it isn’t

and I want it to be GOOD

so damn GOOD

so damn right it blows your mind

I want the RIGHT and CORRECT answer

beyond a shadow of a doubt

it is SO GOOD

and SO RIGHT that anything other, above, or beyond cannot be conceived or imagined because IT IS ALL OF THAT and MORE all in ONE

all and done

So GOOD and SO PERFECT that there is nothing left to add, utter, conceive, say, do, be or have

that’s IT

THAT’S IT!!!

THAT’S

it

0

Magic?

Like

where is the magic?? Really.

I’m waiting for it.
I’m praying for it.
I’m hoping for it.

I’m waiting for that moment where it all comes together

Where I wake up and this whole experience of being limited, stuck in a body, stuck in a place, stuck in this “life” was just a dream

because in reality we are magic

it’s all magic

there is no barrier

no limitation

Everything just flows

It’s all easy

It all makes sense

but are we really just animals that evolved over time due to a big bang that generated all that we see today?

Is there something actually and truly really special here orrrr are we just a bunch of meaningless specs of dirt that pass away with time — and then it all ends? This is your one and only opportunity to live?

I don’t know either way

but my hope is that at the end of the day it’s all beautiful

it’s all good

….

I want to see the magic

0

SUS

Don’t you think reality is kinda sus?

Sus meaning SUSPICIOUS

But not suspicious in a bad way — but more like having REASON TO QUESTION – reason to WONDER — WTF is going on here?

Like tell me how I have these perfectly crafted hands, with these perfectly crafted veins that tell my blood where to go. Blood– this curious fluid flowing through my body like I’m a lava lamp…

My eyes… Have you ever taken a hot moment to really observe the intricacies of the eyeball — FINE work.

Now just observe everything else….

The ocean, a flower, a tree, the stars, the moon, the fucking wind, all the bugs of the Earth and their weird and wonderfully shaped bodies that scare the shit out of me….

Honestly, just everything — have you stopped to just LOOK at EVERYTHING

and then not think WTF is going on here?

How is it possible that there isn’t something INCREDIBLY special (or at the very minimum curious/worth wondering) about LIFE, EXISTENCE, REALITY!?

I have an incredibly complex, intelligent body – I’m a thinking being typing on a fucking laptop living on a “ROCK” floating in space

HOW IS THAT NOT FASCINATING TO THE POINT OF MAKING YOUR BRAIN EXPLODE?

(Metaphorically speaking of course… no brains harmed in the reading of these words — hehe)

But seriously,

WTF is going on?

What is this and what are we doing???

There is clearly something incredible going on here and certainly worth paying attention to

I think it’s harder to argue that this is all a bunch of senseless, meaningless nonsense than it is to argue that there is something worthy of investigation here… Something is up

SOMETHING IS UP

SOMETHING IS <<<

That’s HUGE

That’s insane

That’s just WOW

There didn’t NEED to be something but there IS!!!

(Well, assuming that there didn’t *need to be something is debatable — but there could just as easily never been anything — right? Why is it the case that there IS rather than ISN’T?)

Anyway…

There’s something else I wanted to say

but I kind of forgot what my original purpose of writing tonight was…

the original post was supposed to be titled “EVERYTHING”

because I wanted to ramble on about a bunch of other stuff —

But what was it??

I can’t remember

I’ll have to circle back to it later

Anyway — if you made it to this point — WOW, you’re the real MVP 🙂

You are the real special person who out of ALL the infinite fucking possibilities, made itself to this very moment. And wow…

That amazes me 🙂

Thank you

I love you

Let’s be kind to one another

Let’s make this a beautiful world

0

Blog at WordPress.com.

Up ↑