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grief

numb

n
u
m
b


that is how i feel


when you give me everything and take it all away
when it seems like it’d be something but it ends up being just another lesson

is it me?
am i too stupid? too mean? too angry? too dumb? too naive? too kind? too blind to see the obvious?

numb… that is how i feel

when i have to live another day i don’t want to
when i watch me move away
when i watch you slip away
when i watch it fade away

you give and give
and you mean so well
and then it all goes nowhere

numb…

i can’t endure the pain
so all i can do is go numb

why?
i wish i knew the why

Letting go

Life’s got me fucked up…

Everything just comes and GOES ——

the GOES is what has me all twisted.

I’m doing and doing just to let it all go

In the end I lose it all — my material possessions, my family, the man I fell in love with, my youth, and my own life

and what is it all for????

When I reflect on this harsh truth it just makes me want to say fuck it to everything, get in a car and just hit the road to see where it all takes me

it makes me want to stop caring about acquiring possessions because what does all that shit even mean at the end of the actual day? Nothing.

Acquiring things just to make it seem to other people that I have my shit together? What for??

It makes no sense

so yeah imma get the tattoo
and yeah I’m going to say I love you

yeah I’m going to buy the plane ticket and yeah I’m going to dance naked underneath the stars

I’m going to be both wise and foolish

I’m going to laugh and cry…

certainly cry as I watch the life I worked so hard to build crumble and get blown by the wind back into the earth whence it came

sigh… what a bunch of bullshit

It makes me sad to think that life is actually a sad tale

that at every moment we are just distracting ourselves from the inevitable — aging, loss and death

But I don’t know… maybe there is hope.

and hopefully I’ll find it

Sad

You have every right to be sad

About the love that didn’t work

About your career moving so slow

about the tragedies in the world

about the sickness

about your team losing

about the family member who died

about your hair thinning and the cavity on your tooth

about the fact that you are aging and losing your youthful look

about the fact that at the end of the day we all just end up dead

That is the story

the truth is, that despite life’s many beauties, love and wonders — the story of life, is actually one that does not have a happy ending 😦

It’s sad

death

I feel like death is something we don’t talk much about

So I wanna talk about it…
because it’s something that is lurking to find us all at some point or another

it’s a strange thing…
we never really know when it’s coming

It makes me sad when I think about it
When I think about life slipping away

I’m doing all this work for it all to just be taken away by the hands of time


One day I will have to say good bye to my body,
good bye to my life and everything I’ve created

what a harsh truth to swallow

nothing is ever ours
NOTHING

so stop thinking anything is truly yours, “my boyfriend, my car, my house, my dog”
yours nothing… everything passes, everything fades — you keep nothing.

Some say there is an after life
Some say we reincarnate
Some say you go to heaven or hell
Some say there is some in between place — purgatory
Some say you die and that’s it — that’s the end

I say — I don’t know what happens, because I really freakin’ don’t…

Is there a chance my consciousness can live without a physical body? If so, for how long?

Even if my consciousness can be transferred to a different host, this body that I now possess will eventually give out. I will have to let go.

It makes me sad to think of myself getting old
To think of my body not being as strong, not as attractive

It makes me sad to think of my loved ones passing away

It makes me sad to think of letting go

This death thing, man… it’s quite a topic to reflect on

The other day as I walked home from the beach I sort of dissociated for a moment as I looked around me at people passing by… some waiting for the light to turn… other’s standing in a corner among themselves talking… a family going for a stroll — isn’t it weird we are all strangers to each other? Just a bunch of strangers crossing the same street. We live on this planet together, but we ignore each other and just keep walking by.

that same day I had a weird thought come through — “we’re all just waiting to die.”

Death, that is our destination.

We go about our lives not really talking about this.
We are born, we experience some things, and at some point we die — death — that is what you’re amounting to.

What exactly is death?

Is it when the body can no longer function in support of your consciousness?

Is time travel a possibility? Could we come back to the same point in time? What is the nature of reality?

I love this being that I am — I would hate to never see her again.

😦

death…
sigh

this topic makes me deeply sad
and it makes me wonder, if ultimately my life just ends, am I making it worth it?

am I loving enough
laughing enough
dancing enough
exploring enough
enjoying enough
or am I too worried about how I look and how much I’ve acquired that I am missing the opportunity to truly live?

damn, idk
lot’s to think about

things end

things come to an end
and the sooner we come to accept it
the easier it will be to process the pain


i was in the desert some month ago
and there was a moment when i laid on the sandy, rocky ground
silence…
sun beaming on my skin
for a moment i disassociated from my body
i was in it but i wasn’t connecting to it
focused on my breath, i bled into the moment
i could hear flies buzzing, bzzzzzzz, feel them landing on my skin
for a moment i felt like a corpse
just there to be eaten up by time
and then it dawned on me
“if you were dead right now, what difference would it really make?
life will just keep going…
and everything will just keep going…”



here’s the thing…
one day everyone and everything you know will come to an end
you will die, i will die, and everything will pass away

expect it
embrace it
so it doesn’t come to you as a shock

life is impermanent and everything is passing

so when your favorite yellow mug breaks into pieces, accept it
when your partner walks away, accept it
when your hairline recedes, accept it
when they fire you from your job, accept it
when your dad passes away, accept it
when your car breaks down, accept it
when your skin sags, accept it
when everything falls apart, accept it

now, accepting it doesn’t mean you are passive.
it doesn’t mean you do nothing about it

it just means you don’t fight the facts on the journey to manage and cope with the facts

you don’t resist or deny reality
you embrace it
and from that place of acceptance, you take aligned action and response

or idk
maybe you throw a tantrum like a brat
fuck it
either way it doesn’t matter

choice is yours

anyway…i probably have no idea what i’m saying
also… do you notice the gen z influence over me?
i write in low caps now (lol)

i’ve had so many new reflections i wanna share with you
i also wanna revamp this website a little,
especially the “pic me ups” section of it

anyway… i won’t fill your head with nonsense any further for today

the end


Rewind

Song on repeat
Chest sinking
Another wine glass by the bedside

Reflection in the mirror —
Puffy eyes.
Waking up from another terrible dream
Another dream where you walk away
And it’s not meant to be 😥

Sigh…

Today isn’t as bad as its been

They say grief happens in stages

Some days I go on streaks without thinking of you
Then suddenly remember “Oh wow, I haven’t thought about you all day!”
[the irony]

Some days it feels heavy, disappointing, angry
Some days it feels hopeful and even happy
Sometimes I want to share that happiness with you…

Sometimes I want to tell you about something cool I saw,
Share what I think would make you laugh…

Most times I feel mad at you for how selfish you have been,
and mad at myself for how stupid I have been

Yet a part of me wishes we could fix it all.
Can we rewind the tape?
Can we go back to the days when we’d wake up excited like kiddos
When every day felt like an adventure

But when I really think about it, I don’t even want to.


How many times can we rewind before we eventually get sick of hearing the same song…

I am better off as the person I am becoming
And I hope you are too

Perhaps when the sun has set just enough times to heal the wounds
Maybe then we will meet again…

or not…

nonetheless, the memories and the lessons will play on



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