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Corporal Punishment

“Experience life in all possible ways —
good-bad, bitter-sweet, dark-light,
summer-winter. Experience all the dualities. 
Don’t be afraid of experience, because the more experience you have, the more mature you become.” -Osho

I was beaten as a child. Threatened.
“I’ll throw you across the walls and step on your neck,” my mom would say.

I was beaten by my grandmother too. I never liked her. She was mean to me.

I also have a vivid memory of when I was beaten by my uncle. I guess I deserved it that time because he was beating me for getting into it with a girl at school.

I was beaten by my sister. I remember having a black and blue eye from the silver latch of the belt she was using. I must have been 5 years old. 6 at most. Because all of this happened in Brazil while I was growing up.Then we moved to the U.S. I was still beaten by my mom occasionally, but less so.

I don’t condone what they did, but I also don’t blame them. It is common in Brazil to beat your kids. This was their level of consciousness. This is how they grew up, this is what they thought was right.

I don’t agree with this kind of treatment. I was a child. And I don’t think any human child deserves to be beaten.

 

(My eyes get a little watery when I revisit these memories for too long)

I would wish I was born to a different family. Especially the nice ones I would see in movies.

I wonder what the correlation is between my getting beaten and my struggles with self worth, self-esteem are?

I don’t usually go back to the past and think about these things. I don’t even hold a grudge in my heart or blame my family for doing what they knew in their level of consciousness to be right at the time.

I just wanted to share this part of my story with you.

I didn’t grow up in the best neighborhood. Not the worst either – but certainly could have been better.
I have some memories of being picked on at school. Pushed. Bullied.
But that didn’t last very long.

The quality of my school improved when I went to High School. Though there were still some kids to be afraid of there.

I tried my best to navigate my life with what I had. And surprisingly ended up the way I am – with a heart full of love and forgiveness.

I don’t hold on to the bad that happens to me. At least not for long anyway.

The negative experiences affect me, of course. Challenge me. Fuck me up a little.
But I do everything I can to transcend them.

I want to leave a better world behind. I want to be the best me despite the hardships.

I’ve experienced some pretty difficult situations in my life. Many in my childhood that I never knew how to process and didn’t have the most educated family to support or guide me.

I accept my family though. I accept where I came from. I appreciate who I’ve become.

Of course if I had a choice to have had a more wholesome upbringing I would choose that in a heartbeat – but what’s the point on dwelling on that? I rather let go of the past and be grateful for who I’ve become despite my difficulties. I rather be thankful for this really amazing life I am fortunate to be experiencing and creating now as an adult in this world.

Sometimes I think I harbor some negative energy – and I think it may still be from the past experiences that have shaped me in who I currently am.

I’m actively working to transform that every day, though.

I really and truly believe in a beautiful world filled with beautiful people living wholesome lives. This is the world that I want to create for myself. This is the world I want to contribute towards creating.

I am a huge advocate of peace, love, forgiveness, compassion and all things good.

I want to transcend my limitations. I want to transcend the lodged fears that make me feel like I’m somehow not enough, not worthy or stupid.

I don’t experience this all the time. But I experience it sometimes.

And I just wanted you to know.

 

Also, don’t feel bad for me. That’s not why I wrote this. I just want you to know me more.

 

Don’t think my story was all grim. There was so much laughter and so much good!

 

This is just a little bit of my darker days and simply a part of the story that shaped me as a whole.

Reflections On Trust

What would it take to get you to trust? To let go? To believe that you are supported by universal flow? That every little thing that has ever happened to you whether labeled “good” or “bad” served a purpose?

I’ve been asking to learn to trust.

But I think it’s easier for me than some.

My cross doesn’t seem too heavy compared to others.

There are people going through extreme hardship. Their basic needs are being threatened while I’m over here privileged to be complaining about the pimple on my cheek that threatens my self-esteem as I eat peanut butter spread on a rice cracker. Ya feel me? 

What about them? 

Do they have the right to say: 

“How could I trust when the medical report shows I’m stuck with this disease for the rest of my life?”

“How could I trust when I lost my home and my family?”

“How could I trust when I have no food to eat?”


Hm…

Let’s talk about resistance for a moment.

Reality is.
Whatever is, is. 
“It is what it is” as they say.

In every moment we have a choice.
We can resit the present moment. We could fight against what is by choosing to stay angry, upset, blaming the world, and festering in the dissatisfaction of the hand that was dealt to us.

Or we can choose not to resist. We can choose to remain in trust that despite the deeply shitty shit that is happening in our life it serves a purpose and we CAN withstand, learn, grow, manage and overcome it.

Hm…

But still,
I wonder about the people who just aren’t even aware they have that kind of power.
They are caught up in the struggle for their basic needs and ain’t got time to be talking philosophically about trust and all that airy-fairy, let’s hold hands and have faith type thing.

Perhaps, then, it is our duty to help shed that light. “Our” meaning we, the stronger ones. Perhaps it is our duty to help the weaker. To extend our hand and pull these people up from the ground. But not as so to enable but to support and enlighten so that they can have the foundation and tools to awaken to their power and come in to trust.

      
  

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