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Reflect Out Loud

"The unexamined life is not worth living." – Socrates

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inner struggle

Silly

Sometimes I think how silly we are to take our lives so serious. How we get so caught up in our own dramas. In our own stories.

It all feels so real when we are going through it. We don’t always know how to separate ourselves from our story. From our circumstance.

Every difficulty we overcame in the past is a memory. A memory now was a very real thing then.

I remember one night where I cried so hard for a boy I liked who didn’t want to be with me anymore. When it was happening it was so painful.

Now, looking back, it feels like nothing. I don’t care about him anymore. I don’t even think about him. It’s just a memory.

So, too, will all other painful experiences eventually be. A distant memory.

All the times I’ve taken life so seriously was a waste of a potential easier, less stressful experience.

When I remove myself from my self created emotional wounds I am so much better. So much stronger. So much more in tune with the vibration of trust, peace, connection, ease and flow. Then I realize what a dumbass I’ve been for doubting and getting lost in my own melodrama.

But it’s short lived. Soon enough I’m sucked back into internal chaos. A chaos that at times I feel addicted to. Accustomed to. Familiar with.

Sigh.

How silly I am.

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Be Present With Uneasiness

I notice how uneasy I feel.

How I’m trying to scramble for validation.

“Make me feel okay. Give me some sign that I am okay.”

I observe it.

I observe every time I’m scared. Every time I’m threatened. I observe the feelings of jealousy come up. I observe my insecurities flare up.

Then I want to zoom to the future. I want to rush to another moment where it feels okay.

So I actively breathe. I actively work to accept myself. Love myself. Honor myself.

I am present. I am sitting there with my anxiety. With my worry. With my fear. With my insecurity. With my awkwardness.

This is my experience.

A lot of my issues stem from attachment.

Where do I stand? For how long can I hold on?

Time is literally ripping everything from me. I am just passing by. And there are things, places, people, experiences, moments I would like to hold on to. I would like to keep. I would like to return to.

It’s a pity when you think you found something but it turns out it was a sham.

So you’re back to the drawing board.

I am breathing. I am accepting this moment. I am choosing to actively not resist. I am choosing to be okay with what is.

Sometimes it rains. Sometimes it storms.
Sometimes it shines. Sometimes it snows.
Sometimes it’s cloudy. Sometimes it’s blazing hot.

It comes and it goes.
It’s here and then it’s gone.

I’m breathing. I’m breathing.

I’m holding my heart.

I’m crying. I’m crying.

I’m holding my heart.

I’m scared. I’m scared.

I am holding my heart.

I’m breathing. And it’s okay.

Conflicting Parts

I find myself playing tug of war with myself.
There’s a part of me who wants to be this prissy polished person. This is the version I see played out by people whose perfect French manicures rest gently over a Louis Vuitton bag with its smooth surface falling second only to their Kim K level contouring. This is the version of me that the wild hair, no makeup, nature loving part of me scorns at. It’s the part that the badass, black wardrobe, mosh pit loving part of me laughs at.
I am in conflict. What kind of person do I want to be? How do I want to show up in the world? And why?
Do I want to go to the nail salon and dye my hair all the time for the sake of keeping up with the Kardashians? Or do I want to be this free spirit, natural vibe hippie who doesn’t even know what a Kardashian is — “Is that some type of nut?”
Do I want to be a badass rebel with tattoos all over my body, pink hair and careless attitude?
Do I want to be more serious, wearing suits and working a 9-5?
I don’t know. I feel like I resonate to an extent to all of these characters. And that picking just one would be sad. Like I’d be denying myself of the other.
Maybe I can find a healthy balance.
Maybe I can find a way to embrace all the conflicting parts of me instead of forcing myself to pick one character and stick to that and only that. I find myself to be a little of everything. Which sometimes annoys me because it’d be so much easier if I was just one type of person and could ride out that one single identity for the rest of my life.
Ugh.
More on this conflict some other time.

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