I thought I wanted a relationship, but then the thought of being with one person and losing my freedom doesn’t so much appeal to me. More the latter than the former.
I guess it’s not a relationship that I’m sensing some resistance to but more so a traditional, standard relationship, as most people would understand a relationship to have to be.
Traditional relationships come with rules. Do’s and don’ts.
(Like no texting or talking to other people)
I don’t wanna feel like I answer to anyone. Like there’s some shadow figure watching me and I need to now change how I behave simply because we decided to spend more time together.
Those are just some of the factors that turn me off about traditional relationships.
I would definitely need to amend some of the standard ways of relating in order to feel truly happy.
Moreover, I seem to have an issue with really getting comfortable with someone.
Let them see me.
Farts and all.
How do I get comfortable enough that I could be myself and truly feel okay?
I slept over a guy’s house the other evening and there was a point in time where I had to fart. I didn’t let it out. That’d be embarrassing. Terrible. How dare I be human?
So what am I gonna do? Hold in my farts forever?
What about when I get a pimple on my face?
You’d see it.
Or how long it takes for me to blow dry my hair.
You’d know it.
How does one become comfortable with another?
How does one become okay with being themselves in front of another?
I feel like I should be able to answer this.
I was married for 5 years.
And I don’t remember having an issue with intimacy back then.
The issue I did have, however, is that I couldn’t be faithful. Which goes back to how I originally started this post – with not being sure I could be with only one person and that I need my freedom.
Maybe I’m poly.
But not in the sense that I just want to sleep with a bunch of people. I feel like a lot of people mistake poly for like a big orgy party or something. I’d recommend they watch Conor & Brittany on YouTube.
I mean poly in the sense that I am open. I don’t want to stop living and experiencing simply because I am now relating with someone often.
I want the door to always remain open for whatever happens. This would be a mutual understanding.
I still have to workout some of this confusion as I go, experience, learn and grow.
I primarily want to grow comfortable enough in my skin and with someone where I feel like I can fart and pop a pimple and still be loved. And secondly, be free as a bird and still be loved. All while giving that same kind of love back. A loving, reciprocal and symbiotic relationship that isn’t suffocated by rules.
Yeah… something like that.