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lessons

EGO

There’s this deep sadness I feel sometimes
Because despite life being awe inspiring, beautiful and filled with lovely moments…
I can’t ignore the other side of the coin

Death, pain, suffering, ignorance, immaturity, injustice, sickness, wrong doings, _______ <insert bad thing here.

The other night I woke up from a bad dream
and I was flooded with tears

Tears because of the loss I’ve experienced in the past
and for the loss I’ll experience in the future.
For all the suffering on this planet
and for how small I feel sometimes in the face of it all.

I had a thought come up about needing to “let go of my ego”…

Something that feels like a recurring lesson

Saying “I’m sorry”
Acknowledging where I’m at fault and how I’m contributing to my problems
Owning up to my mistakes rather than fighting to be right

Not easy to say “I’m sorry” during moments I rather be a brat and stick up for my side of the story.


Sometimes I dance between ideals and apathy
Seeing the beauty and miracle that is life
yet also seeing the ugly and merciless hands of time that takes it all away

I think about my mom sometimes
her aging…
how much she struggled and how I wish I could give her a castle, and everything she could ever dream of

How I wish I could give you the world
How I wish I could save the world
How I wish things were different

How powerless I feel as a spec in an infinite universe

What do you want from me?
I’m here… to die 😦

Memories

Sometimes the memory of you surfaces above my subconscious where I tightly stuffed the records of you, double shutting the lid covered in bold red tape I’ve labeled “KEEP OUT.”

I pause —

Everything pauses.

All but blurry images of us that unravel in my mind like a movie.
Stop. Fast forward. Rewind. Repeat.
Slow–motion–play.

The commentary that comes to mind when I think of you is something along the lines of “What the fuck was that? What was the purpose of our worlds colliding? Was I supposed to learn something from this? Why did you appear to bruise me? To scar me?”

I pause in search of the answer —

Silence.

At times in my head I imagine scenarios where some future circumstance magically unites our paths. We’re older now. Different. Molded. Morphed into something new by the experiences that shaped us. The look exchanged in our eyes are more mature. And in this moment it all makes sense. I finally understand. You finally understand. And there is peace.

Patience

I keep getting pointed back to the same lesson: patience.

But when? When is it all going to come together?
It feels like I’ve been running but getting nowhere. On a treadmill.

This weekend I experienced a setback.
I also had a serious wake up call.

I’ve been in bed for the last two days. Letting my body recover.
It is frustrating when you want to be at step 6 or 7 but you’re at step 2.

I just gotta be patient. I just have to let things happen in its own timing.
I haven’t been crossing my arms though. I’ve been doing what I can to move myself forward.

Then I wonder, should I be doing more? Is what I’m doing not enough? Should I be hustling more? Striving more? Or is doing more not the answer?

The last two days I’ve taken a serious pause. Not so much because I wanted to, but because I had to. I’ll share the story in more detail when I’m ready.

Tomorrow I’m springing back into action.

There are currently so many unknowns.

All I can do is do what I can, and wait for what I cannot do to fall into place in its own timing.

Until then, I’m building some frustration tolerance while exercising my faith muscles.

::Breathes::

Patience.
Learning to wait.
Learning to accept that some things are beyond my control.
Learning to accept life’s timing.

It ain’t easy, folks.
But possible. Totally possible.

Just Not Ripe

Sometimes we move too soon, too fast.
We pick before the fruit is ripe.

And that’s okay. Next time you’ll wait.
This time you learn.

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