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Let go

Memory

I still think of you from time to time

sometimes memories are triggered without invite

Like today… when I glanced over the dish rack and noticed I lined up the plates the way you would…

or occasionally when dubstep shuffles it’s way into my playlist…

and from time to time when I reflect on the mistakes I’ve made and how I could have been better

or when I regret staying for so long when early on I could already tell it probably wouldn’t work

I’m sorry for not being perfect.
Thank you for the lessons.
Thank you for the good memories despite the bad ones.

I wish you well…

~*~*~*~*~

Sometimes I get the urge to text you to tell you you can still count on me…
sometimes I want to tell you about things I’m learning…
sometimes I wanna send you funny things I see on the internet and wish we could still talk

but then I’m like nah fuck that,
because there is still this little part of me that is upset by the bullshit you put me through – which technically is the bullshit I was the one who kept accepting — so who is really to blame?

*sigh*

I guess maybe I’m not yet fully healed from it
and in some ways I feel like the bullshit was necessary for me to learn to do better and be better

I hope you are doing better too

despite the bullshit, I still love you
not like a lover now… but like a human and a friend


the memory of your smile is one of my favorites and I hope you are smiling a lot out there…

…..

sigh

it’s weird when you have let go of someone you love…

:’-(

Let Go

We have to learn to let go

Things come to an end,
they change

and yes it’s going to hurt

I think about it almost like a piercing…
It hurts in the moment
and through the healing process

but eventually it heals… and just becomes part of your story

You can’t be so attached to things that you don’t know how to be content on your own

Things come and go

and eventually you die — which is the big LET GO…

so don’t be shocked when things end

learn to adapt

learn to let go

(or invent a time machine so you can always go back in time)….

but until then

learn to accept that you don’t control when someone chooses to walk away

or when things come to an end

that’s the process

and that’s okay

let go

Traces

I see the evidence of the imprint you’ve left manifested in my reality.

And now, in this period of uncertainty, it is unclear how the timeline will unfold.

There is more on the chess table than I can control.

There are images, stories in my head that leave me discouraged. With little option but to let go. To stop wanting to put a square peg into a round hole.

*Breathe*

I’ve been in this place before.

It is time to take a different approach. To do different to get different. To stop doing the same old thing in the face of a new reality that beckons me to morph into new form.

It’s the process of going from caterpillar to butterfly. A butterfly whose wings are marked with the imprint of the past who shaped it.

I will always carry a little peice of you with me. You’ve marked my life in ways that influenced my path; influenced my story.

*Sigh*

What a wonderful and messy life this is.

 

Borrow

Nothing belongs to me. Which is why trying to hold on is stupid.

I can “claim” you in theory, but I really can’t claim you. I can’t even claim me. I’m just passing by.

I can say you’re my friend, but really that’s just a figure of speech because I can’t HAVE you. Everything will end. Everything will pass.

It’s stupid if I try to make you into MY possession.

This is MY boyfriend. This is MY girlfriend.
Even if they stay loyal for life eventually they’re going to die. What happens to YOUR boyfriend then? Gone.

Nothing is yours. Nothing is mine. So why live with this tight ass grip around everything?

Let things come and go in peace. Be in peace yourself. Stop trying to hold on to everything.

Your youth. Your hair. Your teeth. Your body. Your house. Your car. Your friends. Your country. Your fucking toaster oven.  It all fades, my friends.

This isn’t to be dark or depressing but merely to shed light on the facts. This is how it is as we know it (or as I know it at least, I can only speak for myself. Maybe you know some shit about time travel and bending reality or whatever that I still haven’t gotten the memo about).

Until then… learn to release the grip so you can have more fun without feeling threatened by change or loss.

Muah!

Endings

Everything comes to an end. Everything.

It’s all temporary.

And learning to manage all these changes is a bitch. No sooner do we form an attachment do we have to let go.

Let go of friendships. Places. People. Status. Things. Youth. Life itself.

Sometimes we never know when the end will come. It happens abruptly. Other times it’s a slow fade.

But either way it is enevitable.

I’m bringing this to awareness not so much to sulk about change, loss and endings but more so to learn to truly appreciate every moment.

To learn to build maturity around attachment. To learn to have healthy coping mechanisms around endings. To learn to freely let go without a fight, without scrambling to hold on.

Every moment is anew, nothing is ever the same. Everything is change and I accept it with love.

 

Let Go of The Outcome

“The root of suffering is attachment.” – Buddha

I resonate with the above quote.
When I cling to people, places, material possessions, status, you name it, whenever the target of my clinging is threatened – I experience emotional pain – a.k.a “suffering.”

Sometimes that emotional pain is also linked to physical responses in my body. My heart beats fast, my stomach sinks, I feel nauseous, my temperature rises, I cry, I curl into a little ball in a stew of emotions.

I experience this roller coaster of symptoms when I lose.
When I lose that which I have become attached to.
Sometimes it even happens when I imagine loss. Or perceive loss.

The guy I have been dating is showing up online on a dating site.
So what does my heart do?
It tightens.
What does my mind do?
It races.

“Oh. I guess he’s still searching. I guess I haven’t made a big enough impression to get him to stop seeking. I guess he’s not that into me. I guess I’m not enough for him. Maybe he’ll meet someone else he’ll find more interesting and move on happily while I’ll be back to square one.”

Attachment. Fear based thoughts.

But what if I let go of the outcome? What if I pull back and re-frame my response?

Truth is – nothing belongs to me. Nothing is mine. I simply get to share temporary experiences in a fleeting, changing environment that I do not and cannot possess. Yet in an attempt to hold on, to keep for longer, to experience more of – I attach.

I say, “I want you.”
I say, “Be mine.”
I say, “Don’t leave.”
I say, “I don’t want to let go.”
I say “I don’t want to say good bye.”

And when I do this, I hurt. Because I am trying to hold onto what time is literally ripping out of my tiny little hands.

see-them-floundering

So then what is the way to relieve this?

Non-attachment. Letting go. Release the hold.

No attachment to the outcome.
No fear of letting go.
Pure surrender.

Does that mean that I don’t love? That I don’t care? That I don’t experience fully? No. Quite the opposite.

Every moment becomes extremely meaningful, because every moment is unique, special, fleeting, and forever elusive.

Through non-attachment every moment becomes lighter because it can pass through you without getting stuck. It can just come and go and there is no fighting to keep it, no fighting to get more of it, no fighting for its return. Everything can just be.

It can come and it can go.

And when it comes – what a joy to have it.
When it goes [breathes out]  what a joy to see it go.

This is true freedom.

*image credit to realbuddhaquotes.com

YOU TOTALLY CAN

YOU CAN. YOU TOTALLY CAN.

YOU CAN. YOU ABSOLUTELY CAN!

You are beautiful.
You matter.
Your ideas matter.

Let go of your fears.
Step into this person you know you are here to be.
Don’t worry about what people will say.
Create your own path.
Create your life according to your rules.

You don’t have to follow the path everyone is walking.
YOU CAN WALK YOUR OWN PATH.

We are living in a time where this freedom to be yourself and express yourself is POSSIBLE.

Now more than ever before we are able to construct life by our own rules.

Believe in yourself NOW more than ever.

YOU ARE CAPABLE.
YOU ARE STRONG.
YOU HAVE EVERYTHING IT TAKES.
YOU ARE A POWERFUL CREATOR.
YOU ARE THE ARCHITECT OF YOUR LIFE.
THE POSSIBILITES ARE ENDLESS FOR YOU.

PUSH THROUGH THIS FEAR.
TELL YOUR FEAR: I AM BIGGER THAN YOU.

Fear is only trying to keep you safe. Thank it.
Thank you fear for wanting to protect me. I appreciate this filter. But it’s time to push through it to grow into the next level.

YOU CAN. YOU CAN. YOU TOTALLY CAN.

I BELIEVE IN YOU.

Goodbyes

Goodbyes are a funny thing.

Letting go of the familiar and embracing the new.

Knowing that this may be the last time I physically see you. The last time we share the same space. 

Saying goodbye makes me want to cry. Because I see that time keeps pushing me to expand. To change. To move in a new direction. To age. To morph. And eventually, to die.

Morbid – but true. I am each moment closer to my last – which could be at any point in time. Whoa. What a realization to have. That at literally any moment I could be sharing my last experience ever.

But enough on that for now.

I am leaving New York City this week and starting a cross country road trip and new life in San Diego, California. I am chasing the sun. The palm trees. The slower pace.
I’ve downsized my life to whatever I can fit inside a midsize SUV which I have rented for 2 weeks.

car

As of this moment I have no job. No apartment out there. Just this car rental, some stuff, a little bit of savings and some courage sprinkled with faith and dashes of hope. 

My future is looking so unknown right now.
But I am excited at the same time.

I am excited by the possibility of creating a life that I am truly passionate about.

And it starts here and now. Saying goodbye to everything. 

Goodbye Job. 
Goodbye friends.
Goodbye family.
Goodbye lovers.
Goodbye home.
Goodbye familiarity.
Goodbye comfort.
Goodbye many possessions.

Hello possibilities. Hello new world, new me.

Die Before You Die

Release.

Die before you die.

Let go before you let go.
You don’t have to be afraid, beautiful, sweet child. You are okay. And it will be okay.
Learn to not be so attached to any outcome.
Learn to experience each moment fully.
Learn to have fun even when life really sucks.
Learn to be grateful even when it’s all going downhill.
I know this can be hard to do.
I know it almost seems impossible to pull through when you’re looking in the mirror and literally all of your demons and their dark destruction are staring furiously back at you ROARING — telling you, “YOU CAN’T MAKE IT. YOU’RE WORTHLESS. YOU’RE NOTHING. IT WILL NEVER WORK OUT. GIVE UP. JUST STOP EXISTING. NO ONE CARES, NOT EVEN YOU.”
In this moment, when everything seems against you, put your hands over your ears and refuse to listen to those voices and fears that cloud your better judgement. Even these fearful voices serve for your awakenening.
Remind yourself of the truth:
YOU CAN.
YOU ARE.
YOU WILL.
YOU ARE SO WORTHY.
SO BEAUTIFUL.
SO ENOUGH.
SO LOVED.
SO ABUNDANT.
YOU ARE FILLED WITH JOY.
THERE IS NOTHING YOU LACK.
YOU ARE AT PEACE AND YOU ARE AT REST.
There is absolutely NOTHING you need to do, be, have, get, buy, attain, ask for in order to have value because your existence alone is in and of itself WHOLE AND COMPLETE AND WORTHY AND ENOUGH AND ABSOLUTELY BEAUTIFUL, GLORIOUS AND PERFECT.
You are right where you need to be.
You are not late, you are not early – you are right on time – right here, right now, beautifully as you are.
Don’t be afraid to lose.
Don’t be afraid of time.
Don’t be afraid that things will not work out.
Experience each moment as it is without resistance. Or perhaps resist if you must because all of your experience is valid.
Cry if you must.
Sleep if you must.
Take a break if you must.
And know deeply, deeply, that you are being held right now in the loving arms of a life force that holds you blameless, shameless, and perfectly whole.
I love you.
Don’t worry.
Don’t be afraid.
Even when you lose, you win.

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