Perhaps love is more about letting go than holding on.
But man, do I wish I could keep you.
Currently, I am learning that the most loving act is to let people be. Let them go if that is what they wish. Let them stay by their own free will.
Perhaps true love is not about forcing someone to stay. It’s not about convincing, manipulating, cajoling. It’s not about begging, hoping and praying. It’s about letting. Let it happen. Let it be.
Perhaps this is the greatest gift we can give another. To allow them to find their own happiness, even if it’s not with you. To allow them to be full — without you. To allow them freedom to truly be who they are without judgment. Perhaps it’s simply sitting with them with your full presence without wanting to take or give or do anything more but allow them the agency to make their own choices — even if that choice has nothing to do with you.
Oh what a love. A love that is simply present. Allowing. Graceful. Grounded. Poised. Unwanting. Unafraid. Trusting. Unattached to the outcome. Okay no matter what.
Oof.
Man, does it hurt. Does it hurt to let go. Does it hurt to detach. But only at first.
I hold space for this pain. I sit with it. I honor it. I don’t numb it, hide or distract from it. I breathe into it. I give it my love. “I am right here.” “I am right here with you.”
I fill myself with my own love. My own attention. My own care. My own shakti. I let it be. I let it all be because I realize I am already whole. I am already free. And I can let you just be.
Today I’ve been reflecting on the passage of time.
How time just keeps on slippin’
Tick tock tick tock
and pretty soon we have to let go…
~.~
I’ve been pet sitting as a side hustle
and I had a dog with me for the last 5 days who I grew to really care for
He was so sweet, obedient, and loving.
During our last hour together I kept looking at him and I felt sadness in my heart.
As we played tug of war all I could think of is that in less than an hour I would be saying good bye
he would go back home to his owner… and that would be it.
The fact I knew that pretty soon I would have to say good bye – boy, it hit me.
Because we can really take for granted the time we’ve been given here on Earth. Our time is limited and each second passing means we are closer to expiration.
We never really know when we will say good bye to the people and things we love most,
it literally could be any moment.
This made me think of the importance of cherishing the good moments of this life and to make it a priority to seek more of the good, because what better else could we be doing with our limited time?
Waste it away in an office working 9-5 doing work we aren’t passionate about? No thanks.
When we realize our time is something we can’t ever get back we start getting picky about it
We won’t just say “yes” to random invitations that serve no good purpose in our lives
We won’t accept getting paid less than we deserve
We won’t waste time doing things that don’t fulfill us
because time is limited
and the sooner we understand that
the sooner we can start valuing and prioritizing what we believe is important
Time is slippin’
tick tock tick tock tick tock….
There’s this deep sadness I feel sometimes
Because despite life being awe inspiring, beautiful and filled with lovely moments…
I can’t ignore the other side of the coin
Death, pain, suffering, ignorance, immaturity, injustice, sickness, wrong doings, _______ <insert bad thing here.
The other night I woke up from a bad dream
and I was flooded with tears
Tears because of the loss I’ve experienced in the past
and for the loss I’ll experience in the future.
For all the suffering on this planet
and for how small I feel sometimes in the face of it all.
I had a thought come up about needing to “let go of my ego”…
Something that feels like a recurring lesson
Saying “I’m sorry”
Acknowledging where I’m at fault and how I’m contributing to my problems
Owning up to my mistakes rather than fighting to be right
Not easy to say “I’m sorry” during moments I rather be a brat and stick up for my side of the story.
Sometimes I dance between ideals and apathy
Seeing the beauty and miracle that is life
yet also seeing the ugly and merciless hands of time that takes it all away
I think about my mom sometimes
her aging…
how much she struggled and how I wish I could give her a castle, and everything she could ever dream of
How I wish I could give you the world
How I wish I could save the world
How I wish things were different
How powerless I feel as a spec in an infinite universe
What do you want from me?
I’m here… to die 😦
I still think of you from time to time
sometimes memories are triggered without invite
Like today… when I glanced over the dish rack and noticed I lined up the plates the way you would…
or occasionally when dubstep shuffles it’s way into my playlist…
and from time to time when I reflect on the mistakes I’ve made and how I could have been better
or when I regret staying for so long when early on I could already tell it probably wouldn’t work
I’m sorry for not being perfect.
Thank you for the lessons.
Thank you for the good memories despite the bad ones.
I wish you well…
~*~*~*~*~
Sometimes I get the urge to text you to tell you you can still count on me…
sometimes I want to tell you about things I’m learning…
sometimes I wanna send you funny things I see on the internet and wish we could still talk
but then I’m like nah fuck that,
because there is still this little part of me that is upset by the bullshit you put me through – which technically is the bullshit I was the one who kept accepting — so who is really to blame?
*sigh*
I guess maybe I’m not yet fully healed from it
and in some ways I feel like the bullshit was necessary for me to learn to do better and be better
I hope you are doing better too
despite the bullshit, I still love you
not like a lover now… but like a human and a friend
the memory of your smile is one of my favorites and I hope you are smiling a lot out there…
…..
sigh
it’s weird when you have let go of someone you love…
:’-(
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