I can be so naive at times it borderlines stupid.
It comes from this very innocent place.
I assume people are good. I can easily get lost in fantasy. I am a dreamer. I get excited easy.
But, then, enters reality. It is harsh, unforgiving — cold. Reality is riddled with facts; how things actually are vs how I imagine them beautifully, magically, wonderfully in my head.
The other day I was at yoga and I had this sad feeling come over me. It was the feeling of loss of innocence. I’ve carried so much hope in my heart for so long and I’m afraid life is hardening me. After the news of another dear friend passing away, I am again smacked in the face by ruthless realities. That same evening I had a dream about a puppy falling on rocks and I couldn’t save it, so it died. The dream felt like a reminder of this loss of innocence I’ve been feeling. Like the child-like wonder that’s lived in me for so long is slowly being chipped away by the blows of life. A tiny little part of me keeps on thinking, “even so, I must continue to believe. I mustn’t lose hope. I must not forget the magic.”
Sigh.
I had a woman pray for me at church this morning. In her prayer she mentioned how while in this in between phase, while we are still in our human form, waiting for the return of Christ who will wipe away the darkness and return us to the light, it can feel really difficult. I do hope there is light at the end of all of this. I suppose that’s why they call it faith, right?
Mmm. Perfect peace, unity and harmony with the divine.
I am afraid to hope though. Because I’ve been hoping but disappointments keep happening. Maybe it’s because we are here in this “3D”, human world? I don’t know. I’ll keep trusting, even in my doubt. This little part within, however tainted, is still going strong.
I was watching a Netflix show about Bryan Johnson, the millionaire trying not to die. Have you heard of him? I am very intrigued by his work. I am so happy SOMEONE is having this conversation.
If we were able to beat death — would you want to? What does it actually even mean to die anyway? When a person dies does their consciousness die too or does it live in the ether somewhere like a radio wave or energetic force?
So many questions…
Guys, we can’t keep dancing around this subject by keeping it off the table and then getting all surprised when it starts happening to the people you know and then…. you and me.
What more important for us to be talking about than this?
My understanding is that when the body malfunctions and can no longer host the consciousness then you die. Where does the life force go? Where does the consciousness go? Can the consciousness be preserved?
It seems that our consciousness is “the sum of your learned experiences”. My name is “Laura” because that’s what I was named, but that’s not who I am. I’m nameless in reality. Names are sounds we create with our vocal cords to help us identify objects in space. It’s arbitrary. There’s nothing APPLE about an apple. That’s just a sound we agree to make to point to that thing we have identified in space. Anyway, I digress. And that’s not the point I am trying to make.
The point is…who you are is a memory bank of learned experiences. You are a particular set of memories living within a body. When your body fails it turns off your consciousness. I suppose that means the “hard drive” that holds your consciousness is then lost because the system that powers you fails. SO.. I am wondering…. can we figure out how to transfer this into a new body? A new host?
My mom is aging. Time is passing.
Each day that passes I am aware that it is getting closer to my last.
Each day that passes is like there is this clock that is unwinding and our death bed is being made. How could we not be talking about this??
I feel there are implications on this idea of preserving consciousness. It could be used in a bad way. I’m actually afraid of technology and how fast we are growing with AI and Tesla robots and whatnot. I just hope we mature also. I hope we become more loving. I hope we become kinder. I hope we don’t create chaos or suffering for each other. Sigh. I don’t know.
I keep hoping for a good God.
I keep hoping for magic over reality smacking me in my face.
I dunno.
I’m lost and venting.
But I hope we can find love and I hope we can find a way to find comfort in this impermanence. I hope we can figure something out and I hope that it is GOOD.
Everything annoys me.
Well, not everything, but everything. You know what I mean?
I’m so damn annoyed with the humans. Seriously. Wtf.
We’re out of control.
Not that we ought to be “controlled” but we are still so unconscious and immature it’s annoying.
It’s our idiocy that pisses me off. And what’s worst is that we stand up for our stupidity, our immaturity, our blatant wrong doing. We are such silly little creatures. I’m pissed.
We think we’re something. We think we have the right to claim whatever we want and have rulership over another. I wanna vomit.
Anyway. I don’t wanna sit here and complain in my usual fashion but at the same time I kinda do.
The other day I was walking from the beach and everything that would normally bring me joy like the sunlight, the ocean, the grass, the beautiful homes, the humans brought me disdain. I am disappointed in our behavior. Our lies, our tricks, our infidelity. Our acts of wrong.
But what the fuck are we supposed to do about it? We’re on planet Earth. Are we all supposed to walk around like robots in polite fucking manner 24/7 saying all the “right” things and making no god damn mistakes and just being in some perfect fucking world where everything just goes exactly how we want and everything is dandy and everything is okay and everything is fine and nothing ever goes wrong and everything is perfectly safe and happy and everyone is on their P’s and Q’s and it’s just sunnyville all day and all night and always and ta da – there ya have it?
WTF are we really supposed to do? What is the real way to be? What are the REAL FUCKING RULES. What truly does matter? What truly is RIGHT?????
DOES ANYBODY FUCKING KNOW?????
DOES ANYONE KNOW WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON AND WHAT WE ARE ACTUALLY SUPPOSED TO BE FUCKING DOING SO WE CAN GO AHEAD AND DO THAT ALREADY AND CALL IT A DAY?
Why am I so angry?
😦
Sometimes I feel so angry.
At the injustices. At this nonsense of a fucking world we have created.
I know there is so much good. I know there is so much to be grateful for. And I am. It’s beautiful. There is so much to love and be grateful for. I’m writing on fucking computer for God’s sake.
I’m so thankful. From the bottom of my heart thank you. Thank you for all you do. Thank you for all you are.
But WHAT THE FUCK????
No, really, wtf?
Why do I just wanna get it over with already?
I do but I don’t. I wanna marvel at the existence of all there is for as long as I can. I wanna love deeply and perhaps even figure out how to extend life beyond this body. I believe we can. I believe we can transfer our consciousness to another host/body. I think we can preserve this. I think we can find a way to live and survive beyond the point our bodies give out.
Because what is death anyway? To my understanding when the body stops functioning then it can no longer hold the consciousness. I don’t know what happens to the consciousness when the body can no longer hold it. Does it go up into the ethers where the Wifi is? Does it disintegrate and is no longer available for access? I don’t know but we can research this if we weren’t so fucking busy, distracted, lost or working jobs just for money to pay bills or whatever else other nonsense.
WHAT MORE IMPORTANT THAT PRESERVING YOUR LIFEEEEE, helloooo!!!??
Listen, what I noticed is that if you don’t get hit by a truck or shot or killed in some way, you age until your body gives out. When the body gives out who the fuck knows where you go. I don’t KNOW, do you?
^ Don’t give me your nonsense theory because I’ll be like ok, cute – how do you KNOW – let’s prove and test it and calculate it and measure it and KNOW IT INDEED BY FACT AND TRUTH AS CLEAR AS WE KNOW AT WHAT TEMP WATER BOILS. Ya know what I mean??
Anyway….
What if we could either stem cell our asses or grow some biological body in a lab or even a robot body I don’t care… and what if we could either transplant the brain or electrode the consciousness from one host to the new host??
WOULDN’T THAT BE AMAZING?????? OR interesting????
I dunno.
Just a thought.
All in all I’m kinda pissed and annoyed but I’m working through it.
Bye.
I don’t know what the truth is. I think that’s what scares me.
I don’t really know why I’m here.
Or what the point of all this is.
I have theories. Ideas. Strong beliefs. But no absolute certainty. No true knowledge. No REAL absolute, undeniable, unarguable  fact.
I don’t want to end up in suffering.
I want to end up in peace.
and I wish I knew for certain that the destination is peace.
So I don’t have to worry now.
So I don’t have to fear.
So I don’t have to wonder.
Or doubt.
Is there life after death?
What even is death, really?
How could the living speak on an experience they haven’t had?
Too many questions and no real answers.
Whatever though.
There’s so much going on in the world. What’s really going on? Does anybody know? Or are we all in for a big surprise?
Could it be true that life’s a magical place filled with wonder and that something truly beautiful awaits us? All of us?
Could it be that it’s all a matter of time before it all makes sense and we can fall into the arms of bliss?
I don’t know.
Or maybe it never ends up making sense.
I don’t know.
Whatever.
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