I want to find the person who feels like my whole world. Someone who makes me feel complete. As if everything else becomes optional because all I need and want is right here with you.

Anywhere with you feels perfect. Traffic? Perfect. The grocery store? Perfect. Walking down the same old street? Perfect.

Some might say “you have to find that in yourself” and sure, Carol, you’re probably right but after finding that in myself I’d love to find that with another too.

I think life feels better when shared. What is the point of having the whole world yet being alone?

—

Life has been such an interesting journey. This morning I was hiking in Idyllwild and for a moment could see fragments of my journey reflected in my minds eye like a movie. I recalled being a child in Brazil. I recalled arriving in the U.S and pretending to string English words together in the mirror. I flashbacked through my life up until this point, standing accomplished on 1900 elevation gain, resting against a rock next to a tall, chubby pine tree whose fine needles glowed elegantly in the sun. The air: cool, crisp, soft, silent. The view – magnificent. As I marveled at the scene I couldn’t help but feel this immense sense of awe for how far I’ve come. What a ride! What a privilege I’ve been given.

Thank you, life. Thank you.


Mmmm. Divine.


But where to from here?


—

Driving out into nature used to be my most favorite experience. Seeing the mountains would make me lose it. Obsessed. Enamored by God’s creations. I could linger forever. While this time around I still felt this sense of wonder, it was certainly dimmed. As if life is expecting something from me that I can’t get away from. Some unfinished business of sorts. Like a summons I keep ignoring. It’s as if this isn’t a season for wandering.

“You’ll be happier once you’ve answered the call.” That was the sense I received.

What call!?

It’s is as if life is asking me to become a different version of myself. It wants me focused. Productive. It wants me in service. But what service?

I feel painfully, yet wonderfully erratic. Volatile.
One day I have a carefully detailed plan, the next I am executing something completely different. It’s like I can’t be contained. I’m an artist. A lover. A dancer in the wind.

I know I want land and a home.
I also want to leave to Italy.

What really matters in the end anyway?

Lately I have been thinking perhaps: experiences.

A breadth and depth of experiences.
Health.
Freedom.
Awe.
Delight.
Magic.

Ahhhh….

Unleash me. Hold me.

I am hard to contain….


And I think I love that about me.


But anyway, back to this world I mentioned in the beginning.

I want it.
I want to just rest on your perfectly strong, warm, cozy shoulders.
You are home.
You are everything.