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Fascinated

The more I try to figure it all out the less I understand

I’m in awe

of this

all of this

existence itself

it literally blows my mind because it’s just not comprehensible

Talk this out with me for a moment

How is it that everything has precise order and incredibly fine, exquisite design

and then we are just existing here on a planet spinning around in space lit by a ball of fire that is conveniently distanced at the perfect spot to allow all kinds of intricately deigned life forms to take shape who then have to basically figure out how to survive…?

Like what is all this!?

The human body alone is a mind blowing work of art. The fact that this whole machinery constructs itself from a sperm and egg inside the womb and over time encodes itself to form a heart, lungs, eyes, a brain, feet, nails, hair, stomach, digestive tract, a nose, veins, etc – all with such masterful design is hard for me to wrap my head around.

If that’s not fascinating, I don’t know what is.
I merely lose it when I contemplate it.

Have you ever looked at a drawing of the ear drum?

The ear drum alone is incredibly impressive, let alone the entire body!!

Then just look at everything else- the other animals, insects, birds, lizards…

The leaves, trees, plants, fruits.

Bananas trip me out every time. Like how does it know to grow a beautiful cover to protect its fruit so we could eat it? 😭😭 How?? How does it even know to be a banana? What nececitated there be a thing such as a banana? What is encoding all that is to be?

Seriously, wtf is going on? What IS all this!???

And then there’s all the human invention added to the mix – as if life already wasn’t interesting enough

now we have things like iPhones and electricity

and I, a human, am here typing into a phone created by harnessing the elements provided by the planet and the intelligence and skills of the inventors of this technology, so that YOUR magnificently designed eyes could read this.

WHAT!?

Like cmon

I don’t know how we’re not all walking around completely mind blown at every second of the day

But anyway…

I think the point I’m making is that I’m truly in awe

and also feel so small

like what do I really know at the end of the day? So little. Barely anything. I feel like an ant.

What is even the point? Sometimes I don’t get it.

Sometimes I buy into the human story and drama – you know- the pay bills, make money, drive a car, do the laundry, every day normal people bullshit sort of thing.

Is that what life’s about? Is it about something else?
Perhaps cleaning oceans, ending wars, saving kittens, and housing the homeless?

Or is it about experiences, traveling, kissing, trying to make the best of the opportunity to be here?

I don’t know, and don’t know the actual point

But I hope I don’t miss it

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Slippin’

Today I’ve been reflecting on the passage of time.

How time just keeps on slippin’

Tick tock tick tock

and pretty soon we have to let go…

~.~

I’ve been pet sitting as a side hustle
and I had a dog with me for the last 5 days who I grew to really care for
He was so sweet, obedient, and loving.

During our last hour together I kept looking at him and I felt sadness in my heart.
As we played tug of war all I could think of is that in less than an hour I would be saying good bye

he would go back home to his owner… and that would be it.

The fact I knew that pretty soon I would have to say good bye – boy, it hit me.
Because we can really take for granted the time we’ve been given here on Earth. Our time is limited and each second passing means we are closer to expiration.

We never really know when we will say good bye to the people and things we love most,

it literally could be any moment.

This made me think of the importance of cherishing the good moments of this life and to make it a priority to seek more of the good, because what better else could we be doing with our limited time?

Waste it away in an office working 9-5 doing work we aren’t passionate about? No thanks.

When we realize our time is something we can’t ever get back we start getting picky about it
We won’t just say “yes” to random invitations that serve no good purpose in our lives
We won’t accept getting paid less than we deserve

We won’t waste time doing things that don’t fulfill us

because time is limited
and the sooner we understand that

the sooner we can start valuing and prioritizing what we believe is important

Time is slippin’

tick tock tick tock tick tock….

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Magic?

Like

where is the magic?? Really.

I’m waiting for it.
I’m praying for it.
I’m hoping for it.

I’m waiting for that moment where it all comes together

Where I wake up and this whole experience of being limited, stuck in a body, stuck in a place, stuck in this “life” was just a dream

because in reality we are magic

it’s all magic

there is no barrier

no limitation

Everything just flows

It’s all easy

It all makes sense

but are we really just animals that evolved over time due to a big bang that generated all that we see today?

Is there something actually and truly really special here orrrr are we just a bunch of meaningless specs of dirt that pass away with time — and then it all ends? This is your one and only opportunity to live?

I don’t know either way

but my hope is that at the end of the day it’s all beautiful

it’s all good

….

I want to see the magic

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Mess

Honor the mess…

The truth is – we take shits
and teeth rot

the truth is we wake up with stinky breath
and get wrinkly with age

we all go through loss
gravity will make coffee fall on your white shirt regardless of your race

LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL

Filled with magic and awe

but you know what it also is?

SAD
PAINFUL
MESSY

Honor the journey
There will be beautiful, fun, exciting days — and there will be difficult, sad, challenging days as well

Hold space for the journey
Find support when it gets hard

You are not alone

and it’s okay/normal/natural for there be moments of mess

Life is imperfect and no one has it together 24/7 365


Relax

Vulnerability isn’t my strong suit

I want to do everything myself, carry it all on my shoulder
Never be weak
Never be wrong
Never have to ask for help
Never be dependent
Never be seen in my imperfection

My ego burns with fury

and I just want to hold it so tight
so tight with my love
and say

“I love you just as you are. Angry. Messy. Crazy. Scared. Wild. Proud. Arrogant. You name it. I love you.”

My ego doesn’t even know what to do with this type of love;
Does it die fighting against it? Unwilling to bend. Standing for its right to be right simply because it can?

Or is it willing to release its grip?
Is it willing to open up and give in fully

Is it willing to be seen in all its light

the good the bad the in between
the beautiful, the ugly the average


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SUS

Don’t you think reality is kinda sus?

Sus meaning SUSPICIOUS

But not suspicious in a bad way — but more like having REASON TO QUESTION – reason to WONDER — WTF is going on here?

Like tell me how I have these perfectly crafted hands, with these perfectly crafted veins that tell my blood where to go. Blood– this curious fluid flowing through my body like I’m a lava lamp…

My eyes… Have you ever taken a hot moment to really observe the intricacies of the eyeball — FINE work.

Now just observe everything else….

The ocean, a flower, a tree, the stars, the moon, the fucking wind, all the bugs of the Earth and their weird and wonderfully shaped bodies that scare the shit out of me….

Honestly, just everything — have you stopped to just LOOK at EVERYTHING

and then not think WTF is going on here?

How is it possible that there isn’t something INCREDIBLY special (or at the very minimum curious/worth wondering) about LIFE, EXISTENCE, REALITY!?

I have an incredibly complex, intelligent body – I’m a thinking being typing on a fucking laptop living on a “ROCK” floating in space

HOW IS THAT NOT FASCINATING TO THE POINT OF MAKING YOUR BRAIN EXPLODE?

(Metaphorically speaking of course… no brains harmed in the reading of these words — hehe)

But seriously,

WTF is going on?

What is this and what are we doing???

There is clearly something incredible going on here and certainly worth paying attention to

I think it’s harder to argue that this is all a bunch of senseless, meaningless nonsense than it is to argue that there is something worthy of investigation here… Something is up

SOMETHING IS UP

SOMETHING IS <<<

That’s HUGE

That’s insane

That’s just WOW

There didn’t NEED to be something but there IS!!!

(Well, assuming that there didn’t *need to be something is debatable — but there could just as easily never been anything — right? Why is it the case that there IS rather than ISN’T?)

Anyway…

There’s something else I wanted to say

but I kind of forgot what my original purpose of writing tonight was…

the original post was supposed to be titled “EVERYTHING”

because I wanted to ramble on about a bunch of other stuff —

But what was it??

I can’t remember

I’ll have to circle back to it later

Anyway — if you made it to this point — WOW, you’re the real MVP 🙂

You are the real special person who out of ALL the infinite fucking possibilities, made itself to this very moment. And wow…

That amazes me 🙂

Thank you

I love you

Let’s be kind to one another

Let’s make this a beautiful world

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Legacy

So I realize I’ve been selfish

Mourning the fact that I am here but eventually will die and everything I did was for nothing….

But I realize I’ve been thinking about it too selfishly

Thinking about what’s in it for ME
and what I’m GETTING from this experience of being alive

and how everything I create for ME I’ll have to let go of and how sour that makes me feel

But lately I started thinking less about me and more about the others
more about how I want to leave the Earth after I’ve been it in so that generations after me could have a nice time — so they can sit on the shade of a tree I planted

Thinking about life in this way has given me new found hope

It makes me less sad to think about everything being taken away from me when I die because it at least gives me comfort to think that at the end of it all I could at least leave something of value behind for others to enjoy long after I am gone

I am thinking of the impact I can make
and the legacy I can leave behind….

I’ve been thinking less about what can I GET and more of what can I GIVE

Knowing that what I receive is a byproduct of all the lives I get to serve and help along the way

I just want this life experience to be as good as it can be for all of the living beings involved

and hopefully I can manage to do that

I also think I’m in love
and maybe I’ll have a baby

lol absolutely absurd… I can’t imagine myself being a mom — that is literally the wildest idea I have ever entertained

anyway — just a thought for now

I still got a lot of traveling to do

and all of that can wait….

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Expectations

There’s a terrible pain that comes with unmet expectations

When you have an image of what life should look like

When you have hopes of what could be

When you create a vision in your mind’s eye

But then find that reality does not match it

You find yourself disappointed

Because what you thought would be is not

Because you saw things going one way yet life had other plans

WTF is that all about?
__


Then there is also the burden of expectations

The pressure to make something of your life and meet specific metrics society has set fourth

Or perhaps the expectations you believe society has of you so you just blindly go along with thinking you need/want something maybe you actually don’t (were it not expected of you)

Here is the thing:
You will have hopes, dreams and wishes
You will create plans
But they won’t always be met in reality
At least not in your timing, and not entirely the way you imagined

and sometimes….
sometimes it does all come together

keep your hope
but also be flexible
disappointments happen

delays happen

and sometimes it’s in the detours
the wrong turns
and in the unexpected, that we find magic beyond what we could have ever conceived

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Fair

Life is not going to be fair, kid

it’s going to test you

push you

laugh at you

take from you

tell you NO after all you did and how hard you tried…

it’s going to fool you

challenge you

play you

and it won’t always be fair…

how you respond is up to you


what will you make of it?

that’s a good question to meditate on

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Blame

I ran for the bus yet I missed it

but the fact that I’m even running for a bus is the fault of an earlier version of me whose choices have led me to this very moment

Do something your future self will thank you for

We don’t always realize it but our lives are shaped by the choices we make in each moment

When we lack clarity towards our bigger vision & the discipline to follow through with action it is easy to find ourselves landing way off course wondering “Wtf am I doing here so far from where I actually wish to be?”

Too often we want instant gratification, yet the bigger picture requires the maturity to delay gratification in the name of what we ultimately wish to create

This life journey is not always easy

But if we get clear on our goals, create a plan and actually be disciplined enough to execute the plan (adjusting as needed because life is also unpredictable), then we have a very good chance at manipulating reality to come together as planned

& finally, the days of running for the bus will be behind you

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