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Legacy

So I realize I’ve been selfish

Mourning the fact that I am here but eventually will die and everything I did was for nothing….

But I realize I’ve been thinking about it too selfishly

Thinking about what’s in it for ME
and what I’m GETTING from this experience of being alive

and how everything I create for ME I’ll have to let go of and how sour that makes me feel

But lately I started thinking less about me and more about the others
more about how I want to leave the Earth after I’ve been it in so that generations after me could have a nice time — so they can sit on the shade of a tree I planted

Thinking about life in this way has given me new found hope

It makes me less sad to think about everything being taken away from me when I die because it at least gives me comfort to think that at the end of it all I could at least leave something of value behind for others to enjoy long after I am gone

I am thinking of the impact I can make
and the legacy I can leave behind….

I’ve been thinking less about what can I GET and more of what can I GIVE

Knowing that what I receive is a byproduct of all the lives I get to serve and help along the way

I just want this life experience to be as good as it can be for all of the living beings involved

and hopefully I can manage to do that

I also think I’m in love
and maybe I’ll have a baby

lol absolutely absurd… I can’t imagine myself being a mom — that is literally the wildest idea I have ever entertained

anyway — just a thought for now

I still got a lot of traveling to do

and all of that can wait….

Expectations

There’s a terrible pain that comes with unmet expectations

When you have an image of what life should look like

When you have hopes of what could be

When you create a vision in your mind’s eye

But then find that reality does not match it

You find yourself disappointed

Because what you thought would be is not

Because you saw things going one way yet life had other plans

WTF is that all about?
__


Then there is also the burden of expectations

The pressure to make something of your life and meet specific metrics society has set fourth

Or perhaps the expectations you believe society has of you so you just blindly go along with thinking you need/want something maybe you actually don’t (were it not expected of you)

Here is the thing:
You will have hopes, dreams and wishes
You will create plans
But they won’t always be met in reality
At least not in your timing, and not entirely the way you imagined

and sometimes….
sometimes it does all come together

keep your hope
but also be flexible
disappointments happen

delays happen

and sometimes it’s in the detours
the wrong turns
and in the unexpected, that we find magic beyond what we could have ever conceived

Fair

Life is not going to be fair, kid

it’s going to test you

push you

laugh at you

take from you

tell you NO after all you did and how hard you tried…

it’s going to fool you

challenge you

play you

and it won’t always be fair…

how you respond is up to you


what will you make of it?

that’s a good question to meditate on

Blame

I ran for the bus yet I missed it

but the fact that I’m even running for a bus is the fault of an earlier version of me whose choices have led me to this very moment

Do something your future self will thank you for

We don’t always realize it but our lives are shaped by the choices we make in each moment

When we lack clarity towards our bigger vision & the discipline to follow through with action it is easy to find ourselves landing way off course wondering “Wtf am I doing here so far from where I actually wish to be?”

Too often we want instant gratification, yet the bigger picture requires the maturity to delay gratification in the name of what we ultimately wish to create

This life journey is not always easy

But if we get clear on our goals, create a plan and actually be disciplined enough to execute the plan (adjusting as needed because life is also unpredictable), then we have a very good chance at manipulating reality to come together as planned

& finally, the days of running for the bus will be behind you

Me Love You Long Time

Omg
It’s been a WHILE

Of course I’m going to say “There’s so much I wanna tell you!”
Because there really is lol

Where to even begin!?

I miss you

I’ve been on quite a journey

There are days where I feel like I’m moving and moving but getting nowhere…other days where it feels like I’m right where I need to be. I move from clarity to confusion

Right now I am going through some changes
My life is falling apart in some ways so a new reality can come into place

I’m sad
Sometimes angry
Other times super happy, excited, hopeful
and then downright depressed “I don’t wanna get outta bed or live” typa thang
But those moments don’t last too long
I snap myself out of it like “bitch, you got shit to do less go”
Then I’ll do everything I can to raise my vibe and keep on keepin’ on

I plan to start sharing on here regularly again

I also plan to actively talk about Reflect Out Loud… something I’ve never really done


but now I kind of want to

I didn’t have a specific purpose for this post
But one thing I wanted to reflect on is how everything falls away
Life is slipping
Some moments are so precious
While others I can’t wait to get through
Everything that was no longer is…

This is coming out like a mess
I feel like a little bit of a mess
Even though my room looks so cute, clean & vibey right now

I’m not sure if you’re going to get any value out of this post…

I hope to come back and share something more valuable

I love you

“How do you take the next step when life has taken apart the whole staircase?”

Song on replay
Late night tears
Stars floating across the ceiling

and I,
still not knowing what the point of it all is

I’m getting to a place of conclusion that even if there is no real meaning to all of this, there can always be the meaning we decide to give it

We are here rather than not here
I don’t ultimately know why at the moment
But I can at least choose to ascribe it the best possible meaning with the intellect and understanding that I do have

and for me,
I want to worry & stress less
I want to be as happy and fulfilled for as long as I possibly can
More peace, more love, more understanding, forgiveness
Growth
and most important: Health

Healthy body healthy mind
Happy being

Beyond Me

The world is so big.
And there is so much to it.

So much to learn.

The level of information is so enormous that it leaves me paralyzed in indecision.

Hi.

it’s been so long since I have written here.

There is so much to say I don’t even know where to begin.

I hate when I just tell you “there’s so much to say” and then I don’t even say anything that’s truly revealing…

Thank you.

Thank you for always being here.

Through the ups and the downs and the silence.

I want to share more with you again.

To tell you everything that has been on my mind.

I will. Very soon!

What is this experience? This human experience. This body. This stuff. This reality??

Am I just here and then I’m gone??

If I will be truly gone and this is truly all there is — what will I make of it?

not some boring ass shit that’s for sure.

But I’m still trying to figure it all out… (as usual, as always…)

Will I ever really know? Or at least have a confident belief? Right now — all I know is that I don’t actually know the real answer.

I have some answers, like if I drop something it’ll fall and if I put water over the stove it’ll boil after some time… you know, basic shit… but true fundamentals — I still am clinging to what Descarte said, “I am, I exist,” << that I know for sure… but anything further in a fundamental way I am still in process of discovery

damn.

Meaningless

Sometimes I look at some of the stuff I’ve written here and I cringe. But at the same time, I don’t care. These are my thoughts…out loud…

I haven’t written here in a while. I haven’t been as inspired as I used to be.

I’ve been busy with so many projects. Trying to make it all happen.

There is so much I want to tell you but I don’t have the energy tonight to share it all.

This is probably going to end up being just a bunch of meaningless words…

I’m trying to figure it all out (as usual)…

I wonder if we ever “figure it all out” or if life is just an endless search.

I don’t even want to share this because of how pointless it is. But I really wanted to create something. Even if it’s just meaningless…

Text

How is it that one text can transform the entire trajectory of your timeline?

We were supposed to eat dinner together.

But now I’m alone.

The nagging feeling in my system couldn’t let it go.

Maybe I’m crazy.

But this is the choice of my gamble.

I was willing to bet – blind.

Maybe it’s a mistake.

Maybe it’s just what is needed.

C’est la vie.

Hello, it’s me…

I feel like I’ve been MIA on here for a while.

And right now there is so much I want to tell you.

Where do I start?

So many images flooding through my mind.

I’m trying to figure it out. As usual.

Life’s a fucking trip, man.

My biggest concern is that I am aging. My youth is slipping. Every day. And I want to set myself up for success.

Success according to my standards.
Meaning I feel good and look good and have abundance in my life. Abundance in all areas. For as long as I possibly can.

We can’t always control the outside, but we can always control the inside.

I want to feel connected, inspired, aligned more often.

Which means I need to let go of my limiting, negative internal dialogue.
Breathe. Be present. Stay calm. Trust.

I welcome more gratitude.
More trust. More faith. More confidence.

I am trying to decide what path I am going to be taking in my career. I also need more discipline.

I know I want to do all these great things, and I’ve already started… But I also know where I need to make adjustments.

This isn’t even really what I want to tell you… but these are the thoughts coming up right now.

I just briefly want to touch on my average IQ.

I’m nothing great. I’m nothing beyond standard. Average intellect.

Can someone like me – average, really produce something genius? Something new? Something that hasn’t already been done before.

I mean… I just had a thought in my head right now but I don’t want to go into it right now because it’s too intense to type and I don’t feel like getting intense.

Anyway…

What more can I tell you?

Oh. I’ve been learning to give less fucks.

I mean I still give plenty of fucks but a little less now.

It’s been helping greatly.

Whereas before I felt overly responsible for people’s feelings, now I feel less so.
Whereas before I felt overly concerned about certain outcomes, now I feel less so.

What a relief!

Still a work in progress.

I want to get to the point where I am literally able to just actually say what’s on my mind regardless of scenario. Like fuck you, I’m not going to pretend because you can’t manage your own goddam feelings — and you shouldn’t have to pretend for me either.

That’s how we get a bunch of fake people and create fake interactions based on false presentation.

Fuck that,

I’m vulgar sometimes.

I’m sorry. But not sorry.

Sometimes I am ashamed of my background. Growing up in low class has me picking up certain behaviors, speech patterns, thought processes. And has given me a certain experience of life compared to those in higher class, affluent communities.

I wish I was more educated. Or that I had paid attention in school. I didn’t know better.

But I wouldn’t want to be all proper and not know my hood shit. I actually love both. I love both sides of the coin. I love intelligent conversation, big words, tall postures, class, poise, elegance, luxury.

I also love me some late night grungy nights in a dirty NYC basement where I’m thrashing my head back and fourth screaming “YEAH, DJ SPIN THAT SHIT.”

Best of both worlds.

I also love to explore other cultures.

I can’t wait to travel.

See the world. Learn new things.

“Things.” I hate that I use the word “things” to describe experiences I want because I lack a more descriptive word. There goes that IQ issue I’ve been talking about. My two little brain cells just scrambling in there trying to come up with the right words.

Anyway.

Enough of my  bullshit.

Kudos to you if you survived until the end of this reflection.

Good-bye, it’s me.

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