Search

Open Search
Tag

life

Mmm

The moon was full last night and of course I thought of you.

I thought of sitting in a deliciously warm room in what felt like Costa Rica
Legs crossed like a yogi and I’m facing you
For a long, tender moment our foreheads touch
It’s like I can understand you but without the need for any words

Ahhh….

Lately I have been craving deep, deep peace. As if every part of me just wants to root down into the depths of the Earth and sink into this deeeeep deeep comfort. A place where I feel like I could rest. A place where I feel like I could trust. A place that feels more solid. I place of ease and true joy.

I want to become lighter. There is desire for surrender. To feel every cell in my body move three octaves higher.

MMM..

This morning I was kissed by the crisp morning air and I couldn’t stop filling my lungs with this cosmic juice. I stopped for a moment and looked again at the moon that shined so brightly in the sky. I literally took a moment to pause. I wish I could just stand there forever in awe. Forever in bliss.

I feel like there is this version of me who is birthing that I’m madly in love with. I can only catch glimpses of the vibration. Sometimes she scares me because being her means letting go of the version of me I have always been. It means letting go of the fears I’ve felt. The doubts. The lack of courage.

Wow. Can you just imagine waking up in FULL TRUST, DEEP JOY, DEEP PEACE, DEEP FUCKING LOVE AND MASSIVE AMOUNTS OF FAITH.

Lol… A part of me is like “You’re delusional”

and then the other part is like “Call it whatever you want, but if it brings me all of that, so be it!”

I feel like I am learning to feel more comfortable in my body. More comfortable in my womanhood. I still feel like a squirmish girl. A little awkward. A little afraid. And I welcome and love all those parts of me without abandon. But the keyword is, I am still very much *learning*. Very entrenched into the curriculum of Earth school.

What a ride.

0

without

I suppose I’ll have to learn to live without you

No matter what, life goes on. It’s a cold reality.

This week I was walking the beach boardwalk and I felt like I was observing the moment outside of myself from above like a drone. I could see the passage of time. Everything and everyone moving on, living their life as if I wasn’t even here. Forgotten. Never known.

It made me think of the people I lost this year. My best friend, now a widow, slowly moving forward. Life must go on.

It’s been 6 days of silence between my partner and I. From “I love you” and exploring the world together to distance and silence. As if we just came and went.

I’m taking a deep breath as I write this and reflect on the coming together and falling apart. The ebb and flow. The circle of life.

I’m in the middle of nowhere on a planet that’s been flicked into space. Wow. What do I really know? A mere evolved ape. Or perhaps something other. Here for a little while. What do I make of it?

I don’t know. Try my best and surrender the rest is what I’m left with.

Pick myself up and move through life without you.

Life is bittersweet.
It’s both good and bad. And all else in between.

0

Annoy

Everything annoys me.

Well, not everything, but everything. You know what I mean?

I’m so damn annoyed with the humans. Seriously. Wtf.

We’re out of control.

Not that we ought to be “controlled” but we are still so unconscious and immature it’s annoying.
It’s our idiocy that pisses me off. And what’s worst is that we stand up for our stupidity, our immaturity, our blatant wrong doing. We are such silly little creatures. I’m pissed.

We think we’re something. We think we have the right to claim whatever we want and have rulership over another. I wanna vomit.

Anyway. I don’t wanna sit here and complain in my usual fashion but at the same time I kinda do.

The other day I was walking from the beach and everything that would normally bring me joy like the sunlight, the ocean, the grass, the beautiful homes, the humans brought me disdain. I am disappointed in our behavior. Our lies, our tricks, our infidelity. Our acts of wrong.

But what the fuck are we supposed to do about it? We’re on planet Earth. Are we all supposed to walk around like robots in polite fucking manner 24/7 saying all the “right” things and making no god damn mistakes and just being in some perfect fucking world where everything just goes exactly how we want and everything is dandy and everything is okay and everything is fine and nothing ever goes wrong and everything is perfectly safe and happy and everyone is on their P’s and Q’s and it’s just sunnyville all day and all night and always and ta da – there ya have it?

WTF are we really supposed to do? What is the real way to be? What are the REAL FUCKING RULES. What truly does matter? What truly is RIGHT?????

DOES ANYBODY FUCKING KNOW?????


DOES ANYONE KNOW WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON AND WHAT WE ARE ACTUALLY SUPPOSED TO BE FUCKING DOING SO WE CAN GO AHEAD AND DO THAT ALREADY AND CALL IT A DAY?


Why am I so angry?
😦

Sometimes I feel so angry.

At the injustices. At this nonsense of a fucking world we have created.
I know there is so much good. I know there is so much to be grateful for. And I am. It’s beautiful. There is so much to love and be grateful for. I’m writing on fucking computer for God’s sake.

I’m so thankful. From the bottom of my heart thank you. Thank you for all you do. Thank you for all you are.

But WHAT THE FUCK????

No, really, wtf?

Why do I just wanna get it over with already?

I do but I don’t. I wanna marvel at the existence of all there is for as long as I can. I wanna love deeply and perhaps even figure out how to extend life beyond this body. I believe we can. I believe we can transfer our consciousness to another host/body. I think we can preserve this. I think we can find a way to live and survive beyond the point our bodies give out.

Because what is death anyway? To my understanding when the body stops functioning then it can no longer hold the consciousness. I don’t know what happens to the consciousness when the body can no longer hold it. Does it go up into the ethers where the Wifi is? Does it disintegrate and is no longer available for access? I don’t know but we can research this if we weren’t so fucking busy, distracted, lost or working jobs just for money to pay bills or whatever else other nonsense.

WHAT MORE IMPORTANT THAT PRESERVING YOUR LIFEEEEE, helloooo!!!??

Listen, what I noticed is that if you don’t get hit by a truck or shot or killed in some way, you age until your body gives out. When the body gives out who the fuck knows where you go. I don’t KNOW, do you?

^ Don’t give me your nonsense theory because I’ll be like ok, cute – how do you KNOW – let’s prove and test it and calculate it and measure it and KNOW IT INDEED BY FACT AND TRUTH AS CLEAR AS WE KNOW AT WHAT TEMP WATER BOILS. Ya know what I mean??

Anyway….

What if we could either stem cell our asses or grow some biological body in a lab or even a robot body I don’t care… and what if we could either transplant the brain or electrode the consciousness from one host to the new host??

WOULDN’T THAT BE AMAZING?????? OR interesting????

I dunno.

Just a thought.

All in all I’m kinda pissed and annoyed but I’m working through it.

Bye.

0

Rocked

The moon is looking beautiful out tonight. It makes me think of you. It makes me think of music, the desert, charcuterie board with red wine and holding you close.

Damn, this year got me rocked.

After the suicide of two people I loved, I’m shook.

This life is temporary. What’s worse is that there are people suffering to varying degrees on this planet.

WTF is going on? What are we doing to one another? Why are homes hundreds of thousands of dollars? Why are we making it so stressful when we could be making it so beautiful, peaceful, incredible instead?

HEAVEN ON EARTH.

This idea of being a New Earth Leader keeps swirling in my mind.
WTF does that even mean?

It just means being a good fucking human who cares about the planet and the others in it to give it you plain and short.

We should be tending to the land. The land is our home. Since when do we charge for what is our birth right?

Why are we putting a price tag on what is already given to us freely by mama Earth?


I’m livid bro.

What’s fucking worse is the ripple effect of our shitty consciousness.

Young girls made to feel like their bodies are not good enough, leading to eating disorders, body dysmorphia, cutting behaviors and suicide.

I’m pissed.

WTF is going on? What are we doing to one another?

Borrow money from banks to go to college. To get a job to pay for the money you borrowed. To borrow to buy a car to drive to the job, you’re in debt to get. To borrow to buy a home and be a slave for 30 years to pay that mortgage. Debt on debt on debt on debt.

The money circulates between the banks. It just goes from Chase to Chase when you swipe at the grocery store and the clerk receives the transaction to their bank.

What is this game we’re playing?

Is this really the vision guys?

There is a lot to be grateful for. There is a lot that is working. There is a lot that is good. There is a lot that is truly amazing, beautiful and we should be so proud of.

And there is also so much we need to look at, revise and improve. A lot to take accountability for. A lot of shit to fix. I’m exhausted just thinking about it.

Anyway. I don’t wanna overwhelm you with my nonsense and endless complaints.

On another note…

Reality is so interesting to me.

I’ve been so on the fence lately about magic, miracles, quantum energy, manifestation and all inexplicable matters that evoke a sense of “there is more here than meets the eye” type vibe.
But then coincidences and synchronicities happen that you can’t help but suspect “divine intervention” is happening or that perhaps God is listening after all.

I don’t know. I’m lost.

My heart hurts deeply sometimes. It’s actually been beating irregular lately too. I saw a doctor about it. I’ve had a few moments where it was hard to breathe for like 3 seconds.

I’m also counseling people in a mental health setting.

I’m also trying to find my ultimate purpose. And figure my shit out as always.

Gahhh…..

There is so much I wish to say and pour out. I wish I could hug every human, myself included and just send everyone a deep message of hope, love, and courage. To assure myself and everyone else that it’s ok and will be ok always. I really wish I could.

“Everything will be okay in the end. If it’s not okay it’s not the end.”


0

Greener

Is the grass greener where you water it? Or is the other side really gonna be better?

I feel like I’ve gone in a big circle
Only to arrive at the same place, almost empty handed

From here it feels like I can still go anywhere
But where to now?

What do I really want?
What actually matters?
Who am I?
Who do I want to be?
What do I want to do?

I don’t know if I want to settle here, or break everything down to go elsewhere.
Perhaps travel and just go where my soul desires.

Should I chase more experiences?
Or stay focused and build solid assets I could rely on in the future?

A mixture of both?

Do I go live in a car for a couple of months and just explore around?
Do I go to Bali and just figure it out from there? Get a yoga certification? Do a silent retreat and heal all my wounds?

Or do I stay put and become more of a power player? Generate more cash, get some land/real estate and settle down for a bit before traveling on?

Do I stop being reasonable and have wild experiences? Just call you at 7 P.M to come over and sneak into your bedroom?

Do I stay a good girl — stop fantasizing about nonsense and just be in one relationship, get married, get the house, get the car and just live a wholesome life with a maxed out ROTH IRA, contributing to the 401k, some stocks and the real estate investment increasing in value?

Do I break up with my partner and then just go on a wild soul search, spend time alone, finally write a book, cry alone every evening and put all my energy into growing a YouTube channel?

Do I release all control and let life surprise me?

Do I let a little more time pass before I make any decisions?

Do I try to do a little bit of everything without making too many extreme choices?

I dunno….

What is it all for anyway?

What’s the point anyway?

What matters anyway?

Is the way we feel more important than the stuff we gain?
Or is being actualized in BOTH feeling and external reality the TRUE crème de la crème?

I gotta be honest with you, I want both.

I want to feel fulfilled internally and externally. Right now I feel like I am half full. I still have some way to go.

Some say I should just be happy with the journey. “The journey is the prize” is what I heard today.
And man, that resonated. THIS moment is all we ever have. We gotta find the joy in the present. Not in some future.

BUT I FUCKING KNOW THERE IS SOMETHING MORE AND HIGHER HERE FOR ME

I keep searching and yearning for it

and then judging myself for not “enjoying the journey” because I want to get THERE so bad
but perhaps the real pain is in judging myself for wanting — I can WANT and let it be that my present is indulging in the feeling desire

There is something quite titillating about being in desire – being in wanting — but not in the sense of lack (because when we are lacking, it doesn’t feel good: ie. lacking food/lacking resources)

I’m talking about the type of desire that is on the upper floor of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs.

Anyway, I’m digressing.

What am I even saying?

Gosh, I deeeeeply desire to transcend my current playing field. I want to be vibrating at a higher frequency. I want to feel greater heights of pleasure. Joy. Beauty. Abundance. Peace. Support. Connection. Love. And from this FULL ASS FUCKING CUP, I want to give back to everything I could touch.

But how do I get there?

I don’t know. I’m still on the journey to find out.

——–

Today I met with a special someone. Someone with beautiful eyes and a sweet soul.
For a second I had this sense of what it would look like to achieve the goal. To achieve the things I’m after and for it all to materialize and actualize. And it felt both beautiful and also like “aw, it’s the end of the book.” The end of the story.

You ever get to the end of a movie/book/show and you’re both amazed but also kinda sad that now it’s over? Yeah. That’s what it felt like.

So now I’m on this vibe that I should enjoy the journey more and be less focused on the destination.

But, I don’t know what to prioritize at the moment — you know?

What actually does matter?

Sigh.

Will you give me a clue?

Damn, this was a long one. If you’re still here — you’re the real MVP. You are the one I have dreamed of writing for. Thank you.

Cheers to our biggest, boldest, wildest, most beautiful, exhilarating life!

0

Lay

Can I just lay here a while?
And hear you talk.

Can you tell me everything about everything?
I want to get high off of your perspective. Your view of the world.

Take me to the highest highs and the lowest lows. Take me to all the in-betweens. Let us lay here for a while longer. I want to melt into the ether with you.

Can I make you an avocado toast?
Can I bring you some freshly squeezed orange juice?
Can I make you your favorite banana bread?
Can I hang up your clothes?
Can I tidy this room up for you?

When I think about life and how I want to be living all I can think of is spaciousness. Peace. Health. Joy. Trust. Connection. Alignment. Surrender. Love.

Can you imagine living from such openness?
Where every cell in your body is radiating.

Life is such a tricky paradox, man.
Just when you think you’ve gotten a handle of it, it trips you back up.
Just when you think you’re good- some bill comes in the mail, the car gets a flat tire, the earth quakes, the dog pees on the carpet, the milk spoils, the A.C stops working, someone dies, a wallet gets stolen, and you didn’t win the lotto again.

Sigh.

Just take me back to the moment where I’m laying with you.

0

Purpose

For a moment I closed my eyes and I could see it…
True peace
True health
True well-being
Safety

A deep knowing of it all being okay
Feeling connected
Cared for
Loved

This is how we should be living

Not in fear, scarcity, pay-check to pay-check

There are moments where I feel so much certainty over the plan of God over our lives.
That we are meant to be well. We are meant for havingness, abundance, freedom, joy, connection, love, peace. This is where we are meant to be living from.

Deep down I feel like I know this to be true to my core.

I can hear it in the music.
I can picture it in my mind.

Why have we gone so astray?

I feel so small in the face of it all. It’s so noisy sometimes I can’t find who I am. I can’t hear my own voice. I can’t tell if you’re really there.

God I thought you were real. I thought you were there. I thought you cared. I thought we mattered. Don’t let the world suffer.

0

Time

The time is now

To love
To swim in the ocean
To get the back tattoo your mother told you not to
To feel the wind on your skin
To look up at the moon and howl like a wolf
To say “I’m sorry”
To say “I love you”
To laugh
To dance without caring what anybody else thinks
To bake cookies and offer it to your neighbors
To call your daughter
To write the book
To book a one way flight to London
To release the past
To paint
To kiss
To just fucking LIVE

We’re on a “planet” (this is what we call it, whatever “it” is this is) traversing through space at insane speed, with intelligent bodies and food just growing off the land so we could eat it… like c’mon on.. WTF is going on?

You better start acting like this is magical and CARPE THAT DIEM
There might as well be unicorns riding on leprechauns while doing back flips and eating donuts because none of this makes sense

I am literally typing on a “computer” with intelligent hands who respond to an intelligent brain and then fucking sending this out into the ethers so your intelligent, magnificent eye could read it. LIKE WTF?

If you’re not just losing your shit 24/7 at this marvel, I dunno what else needs to happen for you to awaken to the magic waiting for you to behold it

Ahhhh

The time is fucking NOW

To rise up

and be the most amazing you, you could be

If this was a symphony we’re about to hit the climatic moment

A kaleidoscope of flavors, colors, sounds, tongues

HEARTS ARE OPEN

I am ready to receive

I am ready to give

To surrender to life
While also standing true to that which I am

Neither this nor that
Neither here nor there
Neither this or that

Nothing – Something – Paradox
Folding unto itself in the hopes of squeezing out something…..

Could we finally look into each other’s soul and admit the full truth?
Could we look in each other’s eyes and finally know?

I don’t know

But I think it’s time we at least fucking try

0

Money

We have created a world that is built on living off money, rather than living off LIFE

Why do many of us work?

To make money to pay the bills

Like housing, lights, food, etc….


What if we changed the reason why we worked instead?

Why work for money when we can work for havingness and contribution

What if we didn’t need to pay for housing, because we understand that housing is just a need and we provide this for each other simply because we need it

What if we had more people grow their food and we stopped over capitalizing on each other

What if we did things because they were good to do and not because of money

What if we didn’t charge for lights because we know lights are good for us and lights is something we provide for each other so we could see in the dark

What if the systems we create were created for our joy, ease, well being and good rather than profit because we have to play this game of make money to pay bills rather than we work to contribute to our peace and enjoyment and provision

The earth provides what we need

The earth provides the trees that we use for wood to make our homes
Why are we making it harder for each other to exist on this planet?

So many are depressed, sad, anxious, lonely, scared, stuck because of what we’re doing with our economic system

Borrow from the bank to go to school
Borrow from the bank to get a car
Borrow from the bank to get a house

INTEREST INTEREST INTEREST

Interesting for the banks, slavery for the human

Then you go to work to make a little money to just get by
just try to stay afloat

Running in a hamster wheel that doesn’t allow us to flourish

What the F is this bullshit?

We are human beings. We are born of this earth. This amazing earth which provides us with bananas, oranges, strawberries, wheat, pineapples, and each other

We are intelligent

We are creative

Why are we making it hard for us to exist?

Why are we putting ourselves in prisons?

Staring at screens for hours a day, stuck inside, alienated from our families

Rigid systems, taxes left and right

WHAT THE F IS THIS!?

I’m mad.

And I think we could do better

0

Blog at WordPress.com.

Up ↑