It’s the tail end of summer. The evening felt warm last night but the world felt cold.
I was walking the anxiety away. The pressure on my chest from the passage of time and the news of my mother’s illness weighed on me like a boulder.
So I whipped out what I always do in times likes these…
Pema Chödrön. One of my favorite Buddhist teachers.
I put on my headphones and listened to her calm, soothing voice remind me of impermanence. Remind me to just sit with the discomfort. “Humans don’t just feel good” she said. “Breathe into the discontent.”
I started to again reflect on attachment. How I must accept that nothing is forever. Life is not forever. I can’t hang on too tightly. Not to my youth, not my belongings, not my titles, not the people I love. I must learn to be with what is while it is and to let it go when it is time to let go.
ROAR!
I get it…I hear it. I know it. But it doesn’t make it any easier.
So let me sit with all of it. The part of me that knows better and the part of me that wants to squirm, complain, and throw a little tantrum.
—
On other news…
Lately everything reminds me of you.
There’s a canyon sized hollow without you here.
Sigh.
I am longing to soften.
To rest deeply in my body in powerful surrender. To fill my lungs with sweet, juicy air in full trust that it is all working in divine order. We are not late, we are not early, we are exactly where we should be.
Can I trust?
Can I really, really trust this time?
I am wanting to take the wild leap.
I am starting to think we live in a simulation. Or something sort of similar to it. Life’s too weird, too magnificent, too damn trippy not to lift a brow in suspicion that perhaps something’s up.
Too many strange coincidences leave my radar on alert.
I think I am ready.
I don’t know for what. But I am ready!
I can only imagine her pain…
Someone I know who I was recently smiling and taking selfies at the park with has lost her 17 year old daughter in a tragic car accident. How could we ever have predicted this moment 2 weeks ago. Don’t you wish you could turn back time and change things? Change outcomes?
GAH. The ache.
I’ve been sitting deeply with this topic of impermanence. The passage of time. Death.
I’ve come here to this space to share about it with you a few times.
Because friends, you and I are already dead.
Time and space is just catching up.
Why aren’t we talking about this loudly and wildly? Why are we walking around like zombies taking this whole experience for granted? Taking it all too serious.
Why are our systems not serving us? Why are we turning housing into a commodity to the point we labor just to generate PAPER for a structure that is already created to feed a system that is keeping our energy in survival mode?
WHY AREN’T WE USING OUR ENERGY TO CREATE HEAVEN ON EARTH?
Why aren’t we thinking about how we actually want to contribute to the planet to make it an epic experience vs how can I just make money?
Why aren’t we asking the big questions and solving the big problems?
Why aren’t we doing work that MAKES SENSE for the sake of having a WORLD WE WANT TO WAKE UP TO EACH DAY and contribute to?
YOU AND I ARE GOING TO DIE.
We need to wake up each day as if it were our last. Love like it was the last time. Enjoy our meal like it was the last. BECAUSE IT MAY VERY WILL BE.
Love. Forgive. Give. Help. Be kind. Be good. Make the art. Write the book. Post the content. Heal.
Leave the world better than you found it. It’s up to you and me. No one else.
No. Don’t point the finger at anyone else. YOU be good. You be kind. You do the right thing. ME be good. ME be kind. ME do the right thing. And if we each do this, we will see the ripple effect.
Ask questions.
Make noise. Don’t just PAY MORE RENT. Say NO to rental increases. Say NO to injustice.
—
Anyway.
That is my venting my own pain.
—
I am speechless. Humbled. Fallen to my knees in forced surrender.
I wish I could encapsulate the depth of my sorrow in words — perhaps this is what black holes are made of. Sorrow. Pain. Suffering. Grief. Deep devastating grief.
But even here. Even in this moment where my breath is taken, where I have lost my innocent hope –where I am faced with impermanence– where the pieces are falling away and turning to dust. Even here, I am choosing to love. I am choosing grace. Compassion. Gentleness. And to trust.
Why?
Is it because I took too long?
Because I don’t really wear skirts?
Is it because I’m too nice? Too sweet?
Is it because I don’t move my hips like the other girls do?
Because I’m too small?
Not cool enough?
Too complicated?
Too simple?
Too…?
Is it because the sound of my voice is too young? Naive?
Are you being impatient?
Or did I do something wrong?
I don’t know.
But I release control.
I’ll trust.
I’ll trust the process.
I’ll trust that what is meant to be won’t miss me.
I’ll take my love and gift it to me.
For so long I’ve been placing it everywhere else. I never knew any better. I never knew how to be whole.
And perhaps this is the perfect time to do so.
And perhaps this is about true love.
Perhaps it’s about letting go.
Perhaps it’s about patience.
Perhaps it’s about trust.
I don’t know.
I do know that life is not a guarantee.
I’ve been seeing it more and more right before my eyes.
I feel shook yet still frozen and unable to move.
Because where to from here?
Where to from here?
What really matters in a world where it all just goes?
It all just goes…
So then what about it?
My heart wants to crack open to engulf my whole being with it’s own love, kindness and compassion only to reawaken again unafraid to move forward. Walking in full trust. Knowing that when I take a step in empty space a block will appear to uphold me. I need not worry. I need not fear. Because I know. I know. I know.
A part of me surrenders
A part of me is in the corner fighting and throwing a tantrum
“Why’d you get me so high to leave me solo?”
What even matters anyway?
What to do anyway?
Do I sell it all and travel? Go to Bali? Japan?
Get a car and just go — just go?
Do I stay put and build a foundation?
For what? For what? It all just goes. It all just goes….
So what really matters?
I guess maybe that moment with you.
But it’s all fleeting anyway.
Whatever.
I suppose I’ll have to learn to live without you
No matter what, life goes on. It’s a cold reality.
This week I was walking the beach boardwalk and I felt like I was observing the moment outside of myself from above like a drone. I could see the passage of time. Everything and everyone moving on, living their life as if I wasn’t even here. Forgotten. Never known.
It made me think of the people I lost this year. My best friend, now a widow, slowly moving forward. Life must go on.
It’s been 6 days of silence between my partner and I. From “I love you” and exploring the world together to distance and silence. As if we just came and went.
I’m taking a deep breath as I write this and reflect on the coming together and falling apart. The ebb and flow. The circle of life.
I’m in the middle of nowhere on a planet that’s been flicked into space. Wow. What do I really know? A mere evolved ape. Or perhaps something other. Here for a little while. What do I make of it?
I don’t know. Try my best and surrender the rest is what I’m left with.
Pick myself up and move through life without you.
Life is bittersweet.
It’s both good and bad. And all else in between.
Everything annoys me.
Well, not everything, but everything. You know what I mean?
I’m so damn annoyed with the humans. Seriously. Wtf.
We’re out of control.
Not that we ought to be “controlled” but we are still so unconscious and immature it’s annoying.
It’s our idiocy that pisses me off. And what’s worst is that we stand up for our stupidity, our immaturity, our blatant wrong doing. We are such silly little creatures. I’m pissed.
We think we’re something. We think we have the right to claim whatever we want and have rulership over another. I wanna vomit.
Anyway. I don’t wanna sit here and complain in my usual fashion but at the same time I kinda do.
The other day I was walking from the beach and everything that would normally bring me joy like the sunlight, the ocean, the grass, the beautiful homes, the humans brought me disdain. I am disappointed in our behavior. Our lies, our tricks, our infidelity. Our acts of wrong.
But what the fuck are we supposed to do about it? We’re on planet Earth. Are we all supposed to walk around like robots in polite fucking manner 24/7 saying all the “right” things and making no god damn mistakes and just being in some perfect fucking world where everything just goes exactly how we want and everything is dandy and everything is okay and everything is fine and nothing ever goes wrong and everything is perfectly safe and happy and everyone is on their P’s and Q’s and it’s just sunnyville all day and all night and always and ta da – there ya have it?
WTF are we really supposed to do? What is the real way to be? What are the REAL FUCKING RULES. What truly does matter? What truly is RIGHT?????
DOES ANYBODY FUCKING KNOW?????
DOES ANYONE KNOW WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON AND WHAT WE ARE ACTUALLY SUPPOSED TO BE FUCKING DOING SO WE CAN GO AHEAD AND DO THAT ALREADY AND CALL IT A DAY?
Why am I so angry?
😦
Sometimes I feel so angry.
At the injustices. At this nonsense of a fucking world we have created.
I know there is so much good. I know there is so much to be grateful for. And I am. It’s beautiful. There is so much to love and be grateful for. I’m writing on fucking computer for God’s sake.
I’m so thankful. From the bottom of my heart thank you. Thank you for all you do. Thank you for all you are.
But WHAT THE FUCK????
No, really, wtf?
Why do I just wanna get it over with already?
I do but I don’t. I wanna marvel at the existence of all there is for as long as I can. I wanna love deeply and perhaps even figure out how to extend life beyond this body. I believe we can. I believe we can transfer our consciousness to another host/body. I think we can preserve this. I think we can find a way to live and survive beyond the point our bodies give out.
Because what is death anyway? To my understanding when the body stops functioning then it can no longer hold the consciousness. I don’t know what happens to the consciousness when the body can no longer hold it. Does it go up into the ethers where the Wifi is? Does it disintegrate and is no longer available for access? I don’t know but we can research this if we weren’t so fucking busy, distracted, lost or working jobs just for money to pay bills or whatever else other nonsense.
WHAT MORE IMPORTANT THAT PRESERVING YOUR LIFEEEEE, helloooo!!!??
Listen, what I noticed is that if you don’t get hit by a truck or shot or killed in some way, you age until your body gives out. When the body gives out who the fuck knows where you go. I don’t KNOW, do you?
^ Don’t give me your nonsense theory because I’ll be like ok, cute – how do you KNOW – let’s prove and test it and calculate it and measure it and KNOW IT INDEED BY FACT AND TRUTH AS CLEAR AS WE KNOW AT WHAT TEMP WATER BOILS. Ya know what I mean??
Anyway….
What if we could either stem cell our asses or grow some biological body in a lab or even a robot body I don’t care… and what if we could either transplant the brain or electrode the consciousness from one host to the new host??
WOULDN’T THAT BE AMAZING?????? OR interesting????
I dunno.
Just a thought.
All in all I’m kinda pissed and annoyed but I’m working through it.
Bye.
my heart is broken in a trillion pieces. I’m standing over the devastating mess wondering if I’ll ever manage to put it back together.
What is it all for?
My soul cries and falls down to its knees. “Noooo. Why??”
I’m sad. Angry. Discouraged. Weary.
Questioning do I even want to live?
What’s it all for anyway?
“I don’t want to grow bitter” it says.
“I still want to believe.”
I used to think that life was magical. How could it not be? Look at it. Look at all the intelligence. The leaves. The fruits that grow from the tress. Our intelligent bodies. How marvelous.
Yet despite all this magnificence there is also this destructive, merciless force permeating reality. Earthquakes, tsunamis, volcanic eruptions, death, famine, war, pollution, fights, envy, politics, profit over people, hate, jealousy, deterioration, sickness, a lion gunning for the throat of the gazelle, chaos.
It’s a lot.
I don’t know what to make of it anymore. It’s like no matter what I do the outcome is just I’m going to age and die and so will you and everyone else. I don’t even want to share this because it sounds so negative. Because I could, instead, believe we end up figuring out how to preserve life, create peace and more harmony. But I don’t know – I’m disillusioned. Saddened that perhaps there is no God. That all the magic I believed in isn’t real. There is just this — this f%#23d up world with no happy endings.
I kept waiting for God. Waiting that he would show up and save the day. Now, my faith is crushed. My soul is lost. My heart so broken its become dust particles. I’m so deeply saddened.
But even still… a little tiny part of me insists “Don’t give up. You gotta believe. Please believe.”
Don’t let me grow bitter. < These are the words I wrote in my journal today.
I notice my child like spirit is getting washed away by the passage of time. My face less bright. My mouth more frowned.
SIGH.
I’ve been taking deep breaths.
“Just enough grace for this moment. Just enough grace for this minute.”
Leaning into trust minute by minute. Giving it all over to the force of time in full surrender when I feel like I can’t bare another minute.
I’m sorry world if I have failed you.
I am sorry for all we are going through.
Trigger Warning:
This blog post contains descriptions of death. This topic may be distressing or triggering for some readers. Do NOT continue on if this topic is upsetting or disturbing to you.
____
Have you ever seen a dead body? I hadn’t until today. It didn’t look real. It looked like a wax doll you’d see in the wax museum.
It was my neighbor.
I hear a man’s voice screaming outside my door. I open my door to check what the commotion was. I could see my neighbor’s door open. I thought maybe her dog ran out and something bad had happened to it. But then I see the dog, tail wagging. I see the guy she was dating wailing.
“What’s going on?” I inquire.
“She killed herself.” He responds.
I’m in shock and disbelief. I run into her apartment to see if there was any way to help or save her still. I yell out her name. I go into her room and try to look for her. I don’t see her until I look at the open closet and see her hanging in it. I couldn’t believe what I saw was real. It didn’t look real. Her hands were purple. Her feet purple. Her stomach swollen. Her mouth open and stuffed with what looked like dry blood. Her beautiful blue eyes open. It must have been days that she had been hanging there.
I wanted to touch her, check if what I was seeing was real – but I didn’t. I was in disbelief and in shock.
I walk out. The cops come.
Other neighbors come out. Everyone is crying.
She was a candle maker.
A sweet and beautiful young woman with so much to live for.
She lived in a cute, small one bedroom by the beach.
When I first moved here she gave me one of her candles.
And from then on I only bought them from her.
We weren’t that close, but I loved her and admired her so.
I would have never guessed she was struggling.
We truly just never know.
I wish I would have known.
My heart is broken. Yesterday I had one of her candles lit in my apartment, and I was thinking how I was looking forward to getting her summer collection. I had texted her last week saying I’d love to come support her at the farmer’s market.
How could this happen?
I just wanna say, if you are ever feeling alone or depressed please seek help. Please remember you are important. You matter. Your life MEANS something to people. Don’t let the voices of depression win. You matter. You’re important. You’re important. You matter.
I wish I could shout it from the roofs so every person who needs to hear it could hear it: You are important. You are loved. You matter. Please believe it.
______
Man, do we need a kinder world.
After what I saw today, I’m shook.
What should I direct my energy towards while I still can while I’m here?
I don’t wanna show off or compete or make anybody else feel like shit. Why are we not coming together more? Why aren’t we uniting more?
Why aren’t we making this world a better place for us all to live in?
So many are stressed because of bills.
Because of working jobs and barely getting by.
And that stress leaks into relationships.
We then have all this pressure to look a certain way, to have a certain car, to consume consume consume to make it look like we have it together. WHAT THE F IS GOING ON?
God help me. God help us.
God help our world.
I’m sending love to each and every one of you here. Keep believing for something good. Keep having faith. Keep being kind. Keep loving. Keep being the light. Keep learning. Keep growing. Keep the faith.
YOU ARE LOVED.
YOU ARE IMPORTANT.
Reach out for help if you need it. Don’t go at this alone.
Let’s keep holding on to the light and being more of the light in this world.
Everything is breaking down
It’s breaking down to let the new in
The old self is slowly dying
It’s sad, it’s scary, it’s bittersweet
I have to be strong. I have to be stronger than the loss. I have to accept. Accept impermanence. Accept change.
Time is passing. And with it is going my youth, some of the people around me, my hair line.
After many laps around the sun, you start to learn some things — gain some wisdom.
You gain a lot, you lose a lot. You build but in the end you let it all go.
One of my favorite aunts died last year. The house she bought was left behind. The clothes in her closet cleared away. The car she drove was given to her children.
This life is temporary. It’s all temporary. Some things break down and then we build them again. Yet in the end we keep nothing. So what is it all for? All this striving? All this doing? All this pressure to get it all “right”? The best hair, the nice shoes, the plump lips, the fancy outfits.
What are we all doing?
Why are we over capitalizing on each other to the point we can’t even enjoy this temporary life because we have to rush to a job just to make the payment to the banks for the ridiculously expensive mortgage loan adorned with suffocating interest.
This weekend I saw a Cheetos truck on the highway. So much gas is needed to fill up this truck to transport GARBAGE food into our groceries. What are we eating? What are we being fed?
What are WE DOING!? Is someone out there AWAKE!?
We are co-creating this God damned world here. Is this what you want? To go to debt for schooling, to go to debt to buy a car, to go to debt to buy a house and LIVE OUR WHOLE LIVES SLAVES TO BANKS and their interest payments?
So many cars on the road as we commute to work jobs we don’t even like. WHAT ARE WE DOING?
Are these the jobs we really want?
Are we happy with what we are creating? This is OUR WORLD.
We, together, call the shots. WHAT ARE WE DOING?
I’m pissed. And sometimes feel so damn powerless in the face of it all.
I hope we find a way to make it better. This experience here is temporary. I want to make the best of it and have supportive systems that create ease and peace for people. Not disease, stress, debt, depression, lack, scarcity, fear… what the fuck is going on.
I saw someone share this image below and it was the best thing I saw on the internet yesterday. So I am sharing it here with you.
^ I didn’t create the image I saw someone share it on facebook and I’m sharing it here with you…
Life is hard enough as it is — why don’t we come together to make it better? To make it pleasant?
reflectoutloud.com 