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death

I feel like death is something we don’t talk much about

So I wanna talk about it…
because it’s something that is lurking to find us all at some point or another

it’s a strange thing…
we never really know when it’s coming

It makes me sad when I think about it
When I think about life slipping away

I’m doing all this work for it all to just be taken away by the hands of time


One day I will have to say good bye to my body,
good bye to my life and everything I’ve created

what a harsh truth to swallow

nothing is ever ours
NOTHING

so stop thinking anything is truly yours, “my boyfriend, my car, my house, my dog”
yours nothing… everything passes, everything fades — you keep nothing.

Some say there is an after life
Some say we reincarnate
Some say you go to heaven or hell
Some say there is some in between place — purgatory
Some say you die and that’s it — that’s the end

I say — I don’t know what happens, because I really freakin’ don’t…

Is there a chance my consciousness can live without a physical body? If so, for how long?

Even if my consciousness can be transferred to a different host, this body that I now possess will eventually give out. I will have to let go.

It makes me sad to think of myself getting old
To think of my body not being as strong, not as attractive

It makes me sad to think of my loved ones passing away

It makes me sad to think of letting go

This death thing, man… it’s quite a topic to reflect on

The other day as I walked home from the beach I sort of dissociated for a moment as I looked around me at people passing by… some waiting for the light to turn… other’s standing in a corner among themselves talking… a family going for a stroll — isn’t it weird we are all strangers to each other? Just a bunch of strangers crossing the same street. We live on this planet together, but we ignore each other and just keep walking by.

that same day I had a weird thought come through — “we’re all just waiting to die.”

Death, that is our destination.

We go about our lives not really talking about this.
We are born, we experience some things, and at some point we die — death — that is what you’re amounting to.

What exactly is death?

Is it when the body can no longer function in support of your consciousness?

Is time travel a possibility? Could we come back to the same point in time? What is the nature of reality?

I love this being that I am — I would hate to never see her again.

😦

death…
sigh

this topic makes me deeply sad
and it makes me wonder, if ultimately my life just ends, am I making it worth it?

am I loving enough
laughing enough
dancing enough
exploring enough
enjoying enough
or am I too worried about how I look and how much I’ve acquired that I am missing the opportunity to truly live?

damn, idk
lot’s to think about

things end

things come to an end
and the sooner we come to accept it
the easier it will be to process the pain


i was in the desert some month ago
and there was a moment when i laid on the sandy, rocky ground
silence…
sun beaming on my skin
for a moment i disassociated from my body
i was in it but i wasn’t connecting to it
focused on my breath, i bled into the moment
i could hear flies buzzing, bzzzzzzz, feel them landing on my skin
for a moment i felt like a corpse
just there to be eaten up by time
and then it dawned on me
“if you were dead right now, what difference would it really make?
life will just keep going…
and everything will just keep going…”



here’s the thing…
one day everyone and everything you know will come to an end
you will die, i will die, and everything will pass away

expect it
embrace it
so it doesn’t come to you as a shock

life is impermanent and everything is passing

so when your favorite yellow mug breaks into pieces, accept it
when your partner walks away, accept it
when your hairline recedes, accept it
when they fire you from your job, accept it
when your dad passes away, accept it
when your car breaks down, accept it
when your skin sags, accept it
when everything falls apart, accept it

now, accepting it doesn’t mean you are passive.
it doesn’t mean you do nothing about it

it just means you don’t fight the facts on the journey to manage and cope with the facts

you don’t resist or deny reality
you embrace it
and from that place of acceptance, you take aligned action and response

or idk
maybe you throw a tantrum like a brat
fuck it
either way it doesn’t matter

choice is yours

anyway…i probably have no idea what i’m saying
also… do you notice the gen z influence over me?
i write in low caps now (lol)

i’ve had so many new reflections i wanna share with you
i also wanna revamp this website a little,
especially the “pic me ups” section of it

anyway… i won’t fill your head with nonsense any further for today

the end


Rewind

Song on repeat
Chest sinking
Another wine glass by the bedside

Reflection in the mirror —
Puffy eyes.
Waking up from another terrible dream
Another dream where you walk away
And it’s not meant to be 😥

Sigh…

Today isn’t as bad as its been

They say grief happens in stages

Some days I go on streaks without thinking of you
Then suddenly remember “Oh wow, I haven’t thought about you all day!”
[the irony]

Some days it feels heavy, disappointing, angry
Some days it feels hopeful and even happy
Sometimes I want to share that happiness with you…

Sometimes I want to tell you about something cool I saw,
Share what I think would make you laugh…

Most times I feel mad at you for how selfish you have been,
and mad at myself for how stupid I have been

Yet a part of me wishes we could fix it all.
Can we rewind the tape?
Can we go back to the days when we’d wake up excited like kiddos
When every day felt like an adventure

But when I really think about it, I don’t even want to.


How many times can we rewind before we eventually get sick of hearing the same song…

I am better off as the person I am becoming
And I hope you are too

Perhaps when the sun has set just enough times to heal the wounds
Maybe then we will meet again…

or not…

nonetheless, the memories and the lessons will play on



Borrow

Nothing belongs to me. Which is why trying to hold on is stupid.

I can “claim” you in theory, but I really can’t claim you. I can’t even claim me. I’m just passing by.

I can say you’re my friend, but really that’s just a figure of speech because I can’t HAVE you. Everything will end. Everything will pass.

It’s stupid if I try to make you into MY possession.

This is MY boyfriend. This is MY girlfriend.
Even if they stay loyal for life eventually they’re going to die. What happens to YOUR boyfriend then? Gone.

Nothing is yours. Nothing is mine. So why live with this tight ass grip around everything?

Let things come and go in peace. Be in peace yourself. Stop trying to hold on to everything.

Your youth. Your hair. Your teeth. Your body. Your house. Your car. Your friends. Your country. Your fucking toaster oven.  It all fades, my friends.

This isn’t to be dark or depressing but merely to shed light on the facts. This is how it is as we know it (or as I know it at least, I can only speak for myself. Maybe you know some shit about time travel and bending reality or whatever that I still haven’t gotten the memo about).

Until then… learn to release the grip so you can have more fun without feeling threatened by change or loss.

Muah!

Dissapointment

I was so excited at first.
Thought I found it. The pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.
Turns out it was a rusty can of disappointment.

Do I blame myself for jumping the gun?

Or do I simply appreciate those magical moments for what they simply were —moments?

I’ll probably do a little bit of both, but more of the latter.

Like, “Here you go again, ya big goof — letting your heart run a little too wild, a little too fast.”

So I sit here puzzled.

Damn.

Really?

That was just a bunch of bullshit?

Why, Universe? Why?

What was all this clever synchronicity you placed perfectly in my path about? What was I supposed to learn?

Because frankly, I’m baffled.

What do I keep doing wrong?

Being an idiot? Because right now I feel like I’m on a journey to stop being an idiot.

How many times am I going to fall into the arms of dissapointment?

I am a little upset. I am a little angry.

But I am also excited.

Excited to come back home to myself. Excited to go back to a place where I feel like I’m enough and don’t have to prove myself, my worth, or my value.

I can just be me again. And be okay with it.

Fuck you.

And it’s not even your fault, honestly. At least not fully.

I’m the goddam idiot.

I’m also not trying to beat on myself – but simply acknowledge that at times I really am stupid. Stupid for second guessing myself. For being too nice. For hiding. For playing small.

*breathes*

 

On a side note…

Sometimes I wish I could just have a normal conversation… I mean, I can for a bit – but I can’t sustain it.

I can only talk about the weather and why the Mets are sucking again this year for so long.

I wanna talk about why I am here and what’s the meaning of all this. I want to talk about purpose. Self-improvement. Growth. Growth. Growth.

I can philosophize for days. Until my head wants to explode. And then I’ll binge watch Family Guy and talk about the weather again.

 

Whatever.

 

I’m in one of those moods.

Complaining to you as always. Bringing you my tales of woe. My bullshit. My nonsense.

I’m human too.

 

Let Go of The Outcome

“The root of suffering is attachment.” – Buddha

I resonate with the above quote.
When I cling to people, places, material possessions, status, you name it, whenever the target of my clinging is threatened – I experience emotional pain – a.k.a “suffering.”

Sometimes that emotional pain is also linked to physical responses in my body. My heart beats fast, my stomach sinks, I feel nauseous, my temperature rises, I cry, I curl into a little ball in a stew of emotions.

I experience this roller coaster of symptoms when I lose.
When I lose that which I have become attached to.
Sometimes it even happens when I imagine loss. Or perceive loss.

The guy I have been dating is showing up online on a dating site.
So what does my heart do?
It tightens.
What does my mind do?
It races.

“Oh. I guess he’s still searching. I guess I haven’t made a big enough impression to get him to stop seeking. I guess he’s not that into me. I guess I’m not enough for him. Maybe he’ll meet someone else he’ll find more interesting and move on happily while I’ll be back to square one.”

Attachment. Fear based thoughts.

But what if I let go of the outcome? What if I pull back and re-frame my response?

Truth is – nothing belongs to me. Nothing is mine. I simply get to share temporary experiences in a fleeting, changing environment that I do not and cannot possess. Yet in an attempt to hold on, to keep for longer, to experience more of – I attach.

I say, “I want you.”
I say, “Be mine.”
I say, “Don’t leave.”
I say, “I don’t want to let go.”
I say “I don’t want to say good bye.”

And when I do this, I hurt. Because I am trying to hold onto what time is literally ripping out of my tiny little hands.

see-them-floundering

So then what is the way to relieve this?

Non-attachment. Letting go. Release the hold.

No attachment to the outcome.
No fear of letting go.
Pure surrender.

Does that mean that I don’t love? That I don’t care? That I don’t experience fully? No. Quite the opposite.

Every moment becomes extremely meaningful, because every moment is unique, special, fleeting, and forever elusive.

Through non-attachment every moment becomes lighter because it can pass through you without getting stuck. It can just come and go and there is no fighting to keep it, no fighting to get more of it, no fighting for its return. Everything can just be.

It can come and it can go.

And when it comes – what a joy to have it.
When it goes [breathes out]  what a joy to see it go.

This is true freedom.

*image credit to realbuddhaquotes.com

Die Before You Die

Release.

Die before you die.

Let go before you let go.
You don’t have to be afraid, beautiful, sweet child. You are okay. And it will be okay.
Learn to not be so attached to any outcome.
Learn to experience each moment fully.
Learn to have fun even when life really sucks.
Learn to be grateful even when it’s all going downhill.
I know this can be hard to do.
I know it almost seems impossible to pull through when you’re looking in the mirror and literally all of your demons and their dark destruction are staring furiously back at you ROARING — telling you, “YOU CAN’T MAKE IT. YOU’RE WORTHLESS. YOU’RE NOTHING. IT WILL NEVER WORK OUT. GIVE UP. JUST STOP EXISTING. NO ONE CARES, NOT EVEN YOU.”
In this moment, when everything seems against you, put your hands over your ears and refuse to listen to those voices and fears that cloud your better judgement. Even these fearful voices serve for your awakenening.
Remind yourself of the truth:
YOU CAN.
YOU ARE.
YOU WILL.
YOU ARE SO WORTHY.
SO BEAUTIFUL.
SO ENOUGH.
SO LOVED.
SO ABUNDANT.
YOU ARE FILLED WITH JOY.
THERE IS NOTHING YOU LACK.
YOU ARE AT PEACE AND YOU ARE AT REST.
There is absolutely NOTHING you need to do, be, have, get, buy, attain, ask for in order to have value because your existence alone is in and of itself WHOLE AND COMPLETE AND WORTHY AND ENOUGH AND ABSOLUTELY BEAUTIFUL, GLORIOUS AND PERFECT.
You are right where you need to be.
You are not late, you are not early – you are right on time – right here, right now, beautifully as you are.
Don’t be afraid to lose.
Don’t be afraid of time.
Don’t be afraid that things will not work out.
Experience each moment as it is without resistance. Or perhaps resist if you must because all of your experience is valid.
Cry if you must.
Sleep if you must.
Take a break if you must.
And know deeply, deeply, that you are being held right now in the loving arms of a life force that holds you blameless, shameless, and perfectly whole.
I love you.
Don’t worry.
Don’t be afraid.
Even when you lose, you win.

Loss

I keep writing about loss lately.

Time keeps robbing me of people, places, things and experiences. It is painful.

I keep telling myself I must learn to let go. Learn to let go even before I lose something, because then when that day comes it won’t affect me since I’ve never possessed it anyway.

I’m going through a big transition soon. I’m scared, but also excited for the change.

I feel a lack of strength lately. A lack of motivation. Fear that the future will be darker than the past.

Yet despite this large part of me that feels so afraid, there is still a little light inside that shimers and whispers, “It’ll be okay. Don’t worry. I got you. You’re safe.”

 

Fleeting Time

“How many times can I break till I shatter?
Over the line, can’t define what I’m after”            -O.A.R

It’s like life keeps making me reasses everything.
Can’t hang on to anything. 
 
Everything is temporary. Nothing actually belongs to me. I can’t hold on to anything. And I lose everything. Nothing lasts forever. And I don’t like it. I don’t like it when things get taken away from me. It hurts. 
I want to hold on to things. People. Places. Things. Statuses. I don’t want to let go. 
 
I’m selfish.
I want things for myself. 
I want things and people and places to fulfill me.
To validate me. 
To be a reminder that I am safe and that I haven’t lost. I want to be reminded that I’m okay. 
And that you’re here. And I’m here.
And that you haven’t left. 
And that I haven’t left.
And that everything is the same.
And that it won’t change. 
And that it’s perfect.
 
But it’s not.
Because everything is stripped away from me.
I work so hard to have it all taken away.
My face becomes wrinkled.
My bones become weak.
Everything breaks.
People walk away. 
They die.
They change.
Things are no longer how they used to be.
The corner deli is gone.
This town looks completely new.
What’s left of what used to be?
What’s left of us?
I miss the days when we would roam the city. 
When we didn’t care about buying houses and wedding rings or proper diets. We just stuffed our faces with bubble gum. We just played on the street throwing our shoes in the air because we thought it was funny. 
 
I miss feeling young.
Now I feel old even though I am young.
 
The realization that my time is shrinking is upon me.
That with each day that passes the end of my life approaches. Which could be at any moment. 
At any moment I can be robbed of everything.
And one day I will be.
Time will come knocking on the door and it will say “Time’s up.” And just like that everything I thought mattered won’t matter anymore. Because I will be gone. 
 
Gone like everything else that’s ever left. 
And like everything else that will soon leave after.

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