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love life

Mmm

The moon was full last night and of course I thought of you.

I thought of sitting in a deliciously warm room in what felt like Costa Rica
Legs crossed like a yogi and I’m facing you
For a long, tender moment our foreheads touch
It’s like I can understand you but without the need for any words

Ahhh….

Lately I have been craving deep, deep peace. As if every part of me just wants to root down into the depths of the Earth and sink into this deeeeep deeep comfort. A place where I feel like I could rest. A place where I feel like I could trust. A place that feels more solid. I place of ease and true joy.

I want to become lighter. There is desire for surrender. To feel every cell in my body move three octaves higher.

MMM..

This morning I was kissed by the crisp morning air and I couldn’t stop filling my lungs with this cosmic juice. I stopped for a moment and looked again at the moon that shined so brightly in the sky. I literally took a moment to pause. I wish I could just stand there forever in awe. Forever in bliss.

I feel like there is this version of me who is birthing that I’m madly in love with. I can only catch glimpses of the vibration. Sometimes she scares me because being her means letting go of the version of me I have always been. It means letting go of the fears I’ve felt. The doubts. The lack of courage.

Wow. Can you just imagine waking up in FULL TRUST, DEEP JOY, DEEP PEACE, DEEP FUCKING LOVE AND MASSIVE AMOUNTS OF FAITH.

Lol… A part of me is like “You’re delusional”

and then the other part is like “Call it whatever you want, but if it brings me all of that, so be it!”

I feel like I am learning to feel more comfortable in my body. More comfortable in my womanhood. I still feel like a squirmish girl. A little awkward. A little afraid. And I welcome and love all those parts of me without abandon. But the keyword is, I am still very much *learning*. Very entrenched into the curriculum of Earth school.

What a ride.

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Miss

Do you ever miss someone you don’t even know yet?
Like there is something or someone out there you are longing for?


From time to time I get this feeling.

As if the peak of my experience hasn’t arrived yet. So I live here craving this other moment in the future I know is waiting for me. Or more accurately said, delusionally believe is waiting for me.

I was walking to the farmers market today and this feeling of monotony came over me. It reminded me of the fact that you meet someone, you fall in love, it’s romantic for a bit but then the reality of life sets in. The normalcy. The walking down the street together to run the same old errands. The sitting on the couch. The noises he makes when he’s eating and the dirty clothes that are left on the floor. The romance fades. The butterflies. The fantasy.

Everything just becomes… normal.

Do you think sometimes we create drama out of boredom?

I mean once you’ve got the house, the partner, the garden, the car, the travel – then what?

I don’t know…

Sigh.

I miss you.

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Fantasy

It’s the middle of the night and I’m fantasizing about living a million different lives…

How I wish I could be a Carrie Bradshaw dressed in Vera Wang, waltzing around the streets of New York City in dazzling high heel shoes. A trace of delicate perfume in the air on a summer evening, headed to a cocktail party with the girls.

Then I fantasize about having an eat, pray, love story in Bali. Barefoot. Mala beads. Light, flowy dress. Cross legged. Smoke of an incense dancing in a small, colorful room decorated with Buddha heads, meditation pillows, and ancient philosophy books sprawled on wooden tables.

Ahhhh

I wish there was time to do it all. To live the different flavors of life. To taste the different vibes. To embody the energy of different realities and get to live it all.

Sigh.

Life’s weird.

~~.~~

Well, let me tell you about my love life.

I’m currently with a man who is sweet,

but it feels like so many parts of me with him are dead.

Like that deep, earthy part that years to get completely submerged in inexplicable love that goes beyond senses.

The part that wants to be fully seen and understood without judgement.

The part that feels comfortable with silence and can rest peacefully in tune with all that is–no wants, no worries, just pure ease and bliss. Like “This is it!”

The part that feels like an embodied woman-sexy, wild, free, shameless. In full feminine energy, embracing her body, her cycles, her perfect imperfections.

The part that feels both like a queen and a little girl. Loved and looked after. Honored and respected.


Lol
am I delusional?

a part of me just thinks I should be happy with what I have. That I shouldn’t “self sabotage” because of some fantasy.

But I can’t help but wonder if maybe…

just maybe… there are still parts of me in the space time continuum that are waiting to mature. Waiting to be unlocked and unleashed. But not just yet. Not right now.

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Guarantee

You are your only guarantee
Everyone else is an external factor

when you were born, you were there
and at every moment of every day until the end of your life, you are the one who will always be there

people will come and go
places will come and go
things will change

some people may leave you because they no longer love you or wish to be in your life
some will leave you because they die
some will exit for whatever other circumstance

get comfortable with your own company
stop trying to seek someone else to make you feel happy, loved and okay
learn to enjoy your own company
learn to be okay with your own presence

you do not need a relationship in order to be okay


be okay on your own
this way you can invite people into your life out of true desire rather than a need to escape your loneliness

spend time on your hobbies
invest in your personal development and career
read a book
take a class
find a recipe and cook something new
have a self care practice
write a blog
make time to spend with people who nourish you and make you feel seen, accepted, loved

remember that you are your only guarantee and you are the one who will be with you 24/7, 365 until death — make peace and friends with yourself

learn to be comfortable in your body
learn to be comfortable in your life
learn to feel safe and okay with yourself
(not in an arrogant I don’t need nobody typa way, but in a healthy “I feel at ease with myself and my life” typa way) and from this energy go out and make connections, enjoy your life

let go of the desperate need to have someone else complete you
you already are complete
you are your guarantee
everyone and everything else outside you will come and go,
until eventually you go too
(RIP)

it’s all temporary
make the best of it
enjoy your own company and consequently the right people will come into your life to add to it

when you treat yourself right and feel okay with yourself it’s easy to spot bad relationships and people who aren’t healthy for you — because you already know your standard and you are already okay on your own

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