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Reflect Out Loud

"The unexamined life is not worth living." – Socrates

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love

Hurt

I’ve been so hurt before.

And I could point at the world and say “You. It’s your fault.”

I could point at life and say “You. It’s your fault.”

Or I could point at me and say “Me. It’s my fault. For not being mature enough. For letting my emotions rule me. For allowing such things as ego to run me. For allowing my attachments to get the best of me. For not knowing how to let go. For not knowing how to surrender. To be okay in the face of what is. To accept that not everything goes my way. And that there are things that I don’t like. And if I can help them, great. And if not, it’s okay.”

I don’t know. I’m still trying to figure it out.

All I know is that I want to heal. And I want not to be ruled by my emotions. Especially not the destructive ones. I want to live awake. Live consciously. But most of all, live happily, freely, abundantly, peacefully, connctectedly and in love.

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Endings

Everything comes to an end. Everything.

It’s all temporary.

And learning to manage all these changes is a bitch. No sooner do we form an attachment do we have to let go.

Let go of friendships. Places. People. Status. Things. Youth. Life itself.

Sometimes we never know when the end will come. It happens abruptly. Other times it’s a slow fade.

But either way it is enevitable.

I’m bringing this to awareness not so much to sulk about change, loss and endings but more so to learn to truly appreciate every moment.

To learn to build maturity around attachment. To learn to have healthy coping mechanisms around endings. To learn to freely let go without a fight, without scrambling to hold on.

Every moment is anew, nothing is ever the same. Everything is change and I accept it with love.

 

Dissapointment

I was so excited at first.
Thought I found it. The pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.
Turns out it was a rusty can of disappointment.

Do I blame myself for jumping the gun?

Or do I simply appreciate those magical moments for what they simply were —moments?

I’ll probably do a little bit of both, but more of the latter.

Like, “Here you go again, ya big goof — letting your heart run a little too wild, a little too fast.”

So I sit here puzzled.

Damn.

Really?

That was just a bunch of bullshit?

Why, Universe? Why?

What was all this clever synchronicity you placed perfectly in my path about? What was I supposed to learn?

Because frankly, I’m baffled.

What do I keep doing wrong?

Being an idiot? Because right now I feel like I’m on a journey to stop being an idiot.

How many times am I going to fall into the arms of dissapointment?

I am a little upset. I am a little angry.

But I am also excited.

Excited to come back home to myself. Excited to go back to a place where I feel like I’m enough and don’t have to prove myself, my worth, or my value.

I can just be me again. And be okay with it.

Fuck you.

And it’s not even your fault, honestly. At least not fully.

I’m the goddam idiot.

I’m also not trying to beat on myself – but simply acknowledge that at times I really am stupid. Stupid for second guessing myself. For being too nice. For hiding. For playing small.

*breathes*

 

On a side note…

Sometimes I wish I could just have a normal conversation… I mean, I can for a bit – but I can’t sustain it.

I can only talk about the weather and why the Mets are sucking again this year for so long.

I wanna talk about why I am here and what’s the meaning of all this. I want to talk about purpose. Self-improvement. Growth. Growth. Growth.

I can philosophize for days. Until my head wants to explode. And then I’ll binge watch Family Guy and talk about the weather again.

 

Whatever.

 

I’m in one of those moods.

Complaining to you as always. Bringing you my tales of woe. My bullshit. My nonsense.

I’m human too.

 

Have Both

You brought back the color I have hidden in boxes, suit cases and long forgotten storage bins.

I’m feeling hopeful again.

I know now I can find balance.

That it doesn’t have to be one or the other.

I don’t have to make a choice.

I don’t have to deny this free spirit, wild, earth, life loving hippie in me in order to be respected and wildly successful in the world.

Magnetism

How relieving it feels to be yourself, unedited.  With your scars, fears and weird exposed but instead of running they pull closer.

You are held tightly by a long embrace in a room where silence needs no filling for their warmth completes volumes of words that need not be uttered.

Suddenly you’re reminded of what it should have always been like. How it’s taken a journey to re-discover how to be loved. How to receive love. How the times you’ve felt like something wasn’t quite right was simply because you were accepting less than you deserved.

Then arises this question of attachment. Forming secure and healthy bonds.

And magnetism.

There is something to be said about the fact that the massive universe had to evolve and unfold in this very particular way bringing us together in such a peculiar way.

I’m curious about you.

Better Alone Than Shitted On

In the glorious words of Whitney Houston, “Close the door behind you leave your key. I rather be alone than unhappy.” 

I realize more clearer than ever that it is better to be alone than to be in the company of people who make you feel like straight up shit. Why kill yourself to please or give your time to people who make you feel insecure, unwanted, stupid, not good enough, self-conscious, and awkward?
Never again do I want to do that.
Ever.
I feel like being cliché right now and saying something along the lines of “sometimes the mind just needs more time to accept what the heart already knows.”
I’ve been trying to rationalize the fuck out of a relationship that my heart already knew wasn’t good for me. I already felt like this person wasn’t making me feel good about myself. I already sensed that he made me feel insecure, stupid, undesirable, not good enough, awkward, self-conscious, and overall uncomfortable. Yet despite all the negative emotions this person triggers in me I still decided to spend more time with him.
Why do I do this sometimes? Not listen to my feelings? Try to talk myself out of what I feel?
Sigh.
No more, dude.
No more allowing people into my life who don’t make me feel loved, accepted, enough, and supported.
It’s insanity to do anything else! It’s insanity to spend time with people who don’t show you the care, love, respect, and appreciation you undoubtedly deserve. No more spending time with selfish assholes who make you feel not enough. I deeply realize I would much rather be alone than with someone who consistently makes me feel like an idiot, hideous troll scavenging through smelly garbage underneath a dirty bridge somewhere.
TAKE ME OFF THAT SUBSCRIPTION!
Be with people who adore you!!
Be with people whose glance mirror in their beeming eyes the perfect truth of who you really are – and YOU ARE: Mesmorizing, worthy of love and respect, beautiful, smart, capable, and ENOUGH in every way. Anyone who doesn’t reflect this truth back to you is clearly not someone you need around you!
Facts.
💜

POLYAMORY

I cannot tell you how much the concept of polyamory has cracked the walls surrounding my beliefs and ideas on relationships.

The idea that we are truly free and that no one has ownership or power over our person is fully liberating.

I’ve been watching a lot of videos by Conor and Brittany on YouTube. Here is one of their videos that have inspired me and opened my mind even though some resistance and fear yells and claws at me in the background:

 

So much inner chatter comes up for me as I breakdown old beliefs and begin to understand how to relate beyond the standard programming.

How can I learn to truly let go and embrace real freedom? Freedom from possessing? Embracing the fact that nothing and no one belongs to me but we instead meet as full beings in this plane of existence where for some time we are able to share space with one another in connection.

Connection is not possession.

You are free, dear one. You are free to experience life in all its forms without limits. I do not impose limits on you based on my insecurities and fear. I breathe into my insecurities and perceived lack. I learn to heal my own wounds without burdening you.

I am free.

You are free.

We are free. And we are love. Full, whole, complete in and of ourselves. And it’s from this space of wholeness that we meet and connect without pressure, without rules, without labels and without fear.

 

I have still so much to learn.

 

 

 

*image credit to Pinterest/learningpoly.com

To F*ckboys

Fuck you.
Fuck you for doing the samba all over my heart.
For making me think this meant more on your part.
For lying and playing games with my mind.
For taking for granted my kindness, my time.
For making me second guess my own worth,
Every time your call never arrived,
Every time your love was denied.

But I blame myself too.
Because it always takes two.
And I was a fool. Blinded by infatuation.
Making excuses against my intuition.
Jumping through hoops just for a crumb,
Texting you first though it made me feel dumb.
Clinging on to false hope,
Addicted, and you were the dope.
I betrayed my own self just to give you a chance,
And you stomped on my heart with your samba dance.

So Fuck you.
Fuck you, Fuckboy.

You don’t deserve my attention.
I’ve placed you in eternal detention.
I’ve learned to put myself first.
I don’t care if you’re dying of thirst.
I’m moving on now.
I’m better off now.
And I’ve learned my lesson.

*image credit to thatonerule.com

In Love

I am in love.

With something? Someone? An idea?

I can’t quite put a finger on it.

All I know is that somewhere out there there is something that I deeply yearn for.

And don’t go telling me the “love yourself,” blah, blah, blah, story. I’ve loved myself for an eternity and have come to realize that my love is even greater when I share it.

Where are you? What are you? What is it?

 

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