The dream feels so much better than the reality.
And as a dreamer, I just want to live in the fantasy.
I want to live in the Ether.
I want to be in the lightwave.
This morning I was walking the neighborhood towards the beach,
The temperature felt perfect.
The air felt sweet and filled deeply in my lungs.
I felt a juicy sense of peace.
“This.” I thought. This is how we are meant to be feeling.
Not rushing around trying to make ends meet.
Not feeling like we are worried about resources,
afraid we won’t have money.
We are meant to be LIVING.
We are meant to be provided for because the Earth already provides all we need.
The Earth grows our food freely.
The Earth grows the resources we need for our homes.
The Earth gave us the animals,
it gave us EACH OTHER.
We should be caring for each other.
Working as a way to contribute to our well-being and good.
WTF is all this extra non-sense?
I’m not having it.
We can be so dulled down by the way society has beaten us into a reality we may not be that excited to wake up to.
We are doing it.
We should live with deep sighs of relief. With peace in our hearts. With health pulsating through our bodies. Yet we are tense, afraid, rushing, stressed. WTF is that about?
We should have time for each other. Time for our babies. Time for simply living. Our energy is so poorly allocated. We are working to raise money to pay rent which is a never ending cycle when the Earth has already provided the materials but capitalism won’t stop running you down. It infuriates me.
I know something is off here. And I am going to do something about it. Even if it’s just write you this message. “Alone we can do so little, together we can do so much.”
I thought it was real but it was just reality smacking me in the face… again. How many times must one be smacked in the face before waking up? Apparently 1,467.
I am trying with every fibre of my being to not become apathetic. To continue to believe in magic even when I cannot see it. To refuse to bend to this world of zombies working for a paycheck when work is meant to be for having-ness sake. No other species pays to live on the planet. Yet we’ve sold ourselves to something that isn’t even real.
I don’t want blabber on too long today.
Do you believe in manifestation? I did when I saw you walk into the room. I did when you said hello. I did when you told me to call you.
So where did I go wrong?
I’m trying not to get carried away but I’m already on Mars.
In my mind we already have babies, a large kitchen where the bread is delightfully baking in the oven, and fresh eggs from our very own chickens. I don’t even want kids, but this is where my fantasy is taking me today.
I could see you chopping wood for our fire. I could see you happily repairing little things around the home and I am just so proud of you. Mmmm. Life feels peaceful, soft, safe.
I want to melt deeper into softness. I want to be gentle with myself. I don’t want to rush anywhere. I don’t want to live in fear or lack. I want to feel abundant. Abundant in love, joy, health, peace and the presence of God – even if God is just a figment of my imagination– I want this all loving, all encompassing energy to have a home in my body. I want to see beauty all around. Flowers. Butterflies. The smell of fresh grass. I want to bring love to all I do. I want to bring love to you. I want to hear you talk for hours without ever interrupting you. I want to respect you. To trust you. To feel happy with you.
What does it take to bring this vision to life? Is it something that just happens naturally or something you consciously create? A mixture of both?
I suppose you need a willing partner. A partner who evokes this type of vibration in you. It isn’t forced. It isn’t fake. It isn’t “trying” to make something work. It just IS aligned. It is real. It is happening. It is true.
And I don’t know that I’ve found you yet.
Just because someone is magnetically attractive, their smile and eyes make you want to melt and their pheromones make you want to strip away your clothes, doesn’t mean they’re a good fit for you as a life partner. For a relationship to work, there needs to be more than attraction. Attraction can only go so far. There also needs to be shared values, genuine care, emotional availability, maturity, mutual effort, reciprocity, respect and compatibility.
When the spark happens with someone it’s as if you become drunk by a delicious cocktail of hormones that can easily blur your vision of what the reality is. For a romantic like me this hypnotic delirium can be even worse. Suddenly I’m in wonderland. Suddenly I’m in heaven.
But you can’t actually get to heaven with just anybody. No sooner or later the reality hits. The person is unavailable, chaotic, addicted, troubled and always late. You start to see the red roses are actually red flags. This is when attraction alone becomes dangerous. When you’re staying, analyzing, trying and hoping the person will be who you wish they could be. Wishing they would match the fantasy. Forcing a square peg in a round hole.
This is why love is not enough.
Love is beautiful. And you deserve it deeply and fully.
But what’s also important is all the other attributes that make a relationship a complete package.
It has to be both love and it also has to work. There has to be more substance.
So if you’re connecting to someone right now who you know isn’t a fit — listen to that! Don’t force what isn’t right because you’ll waste your time and get hurt along the journey.
I know we can’t help it sometimes. The drug is too strong. But SOBER yourself up enough to realize that for a relationship to work there has to be more than only attraction. Just because someone is cute isn’t enough. Just because someone has a nice body and you connect well in bed for a few hours (or minutes even!) 👏 that is not enough 👏!!
Hello 👏
👏 Snap out of this hypnosis 👏
Wake up! Wake up! Wake up!
Attraction is NOT enough
I’ve been day dreaming of all the things we could do…
Like have a family and a homestead with a couple of chickens.
I could be playing in our beautiful, spacious kitchen and you could be walking up behind me with a tender hug. Our mornings could be gentle, our days peaceful, our hearts full, our lives abundant.
We could take off on a whim. We could stay up all night laughing. We could play music, dance, sing and talk for hours on end. We could challenge each other to grow. We could inspire each other to be our best. I could kiss your forehead in the morning, bring you breakfast in bed.
We could travel to big cities. Swim naked in Colombia. Fly to Italy to see your family and drink wine until we’re happy drunk. We can learn Italian words as we galavant through cobblestones. Eat pasta, pizza, cannoli and tiramisu. “Would you like another drink?” “Sì, per favore!”
We could make our way to Thailand to meditate and practice yoga. We could eye gaze until the inner walls come down and all that’s left is love. We could explore the temples, trek through jungles, Island hop, peruse the local markets for authentic Thai food and a little trinket for our memories.
We could return back home and off we go back into the road. We could sleep underneath the stars. We could read books while resting on each other softly. We can go to festivals. Solve puzzles. Play chess. Squeeze each other’s bottoms in passing.
We could have it all.
But you won’t even text me.
Why?
Is it because I took too long?
Because I don’t really wear skirts?
Is it because I’m too nice? Too sweet?
Is it because I don’t move my hips like the other girls do?
Because I’m too small?
Not cool enough?
Too complicated?
Too simple?
Too…?
Is it because the sound of my voice is too young? Naive?
Are you being impatient?
Or did I do something wrong?
I don’t know.
But I release control.
I’ll trust.
I’ll trust the process.
I’ll trust that what is meant to be won’t miss me.
I’ll take my love and gift it to me.
For so long I’ve been placing it everywhere else. I never knew any better. I never knew how to be whole.
And perhaps this is the perfect time to do so.
And perhaps this is about true love.
Perhaps it’s about letting go.
Perhaps it’s about patience.
Perhaps it’s about trust.
I don’t know.
I do know that life is not a guarantee.
I’ve been seeing it more and more right before my eyes.
I feel shook yet still frozen and unable to move.
Because where to from here?
Where to from here?
What really matters in a world where it all just goes?
It all just goes…
So then what about it?
My heart wants to crack open to engulf my whole being with it’s own love, kindness and compassion only to reawaken again unafraid to move forward. Walking in full trust. Knowing that when I take a step in empty space a block will appear to uphold me. I need not worry. I need not fear. Because I know. I know. I know.
A part of me surrenders
A part of me is in the corner fighting and throwing a tantrum
“Why’d you get me so high to leave me solo?”
What even matters anyway?
What to do anyway?
Do I sell it all and travel? Go to Bali? Japan?
Get a car and just go — just go?
Do I stay put and build a foundation?
For what? For what? It all just goes. It all just goes….
So what really matters?
I guess maybe that moment with you.
But it’s all fleeting anyway.
Whatever.
The moon was full last night and of course I thought of you.
I thought of sitting in a deliciously warm room in what felt like Costa Rica
Legs crossed like a yogi and I’m facing you
For a long, tender moment our foreheads touch
It’s like I can understand you but without the need for any words
Ahhh….
Lately I have been craving deep, deep peace. As if every part of me just wants to root down into the depths of the Earth and sink into this deeeeep deeep comfort. A place where I feel like I could rest. A place where I feel like I could trust. A place that feels more solid. I place of ease and true joy.
I want to become lighter. There is desire for surrender. To feel every cell in my body move three octaves higher.
MMM..
This morning I was kissed by the crisp morning air and I couldn’t stop filling my lungs with this cosmic juice. I stopped for a moment and looked again at the moon that shined so brightly in the sky. I literally took a moment to pause. I wish I could just stand there forever in awe. Forever in bliss.
I feel like there is this version of me who is birthing that I’m madly in love with. I can only catch glimpses of the vibration. Sometimes she scares me because being her means letting go of the version of me I have always been. It means letting go of the fears I’ve felt. The doubts. The lack of courage.
Wow. Can you just imagine waking up in FULL TRUST, DEEP JOY, DEEP PEACE, DEEP FUCKING LOVE AND MASSIVE AMOUNTS OF FAITH.
Lol… A part of me is like “You’re delusional”
and then the other part is like “Call it whatever you want, but if it brings me all of that, so be it!”
I feel like I am learning to feel more comfortable in my body. More comfortable in my womanhood. I still feel like a squirmish girl. A little awkward. A little afraid. And I welcome and love all those parts of me without abandon. But the keyword is, I am still very much *learning*. Very entrenched into the curriculum of Earth school.
What a ride.
Do you ever miss someone you don’t even know yet?
Like there is something or someone out there you are longing for?
From time to time I get this feeling.
As if the peak of my experience hasn’t arrived yet. So I live here craving this other moment in the future I know is waiting for me. Or more accurately said, delusionally believe is waiting for me.
I was walking to the farmers market today and this feeling of monotony came over me. It reminded me of the fact that you meet someone, you fall in love, it’s romantic for a bit but then the reality of life sets in. The normalcy. The walking down the street together to run the same old errands. The sitting on the couch. The noises he makes when he’s eating and the dirty clothes that are left on the floor. The romance fades. The butterflies. The fantasy.
Everything just becomes… normal.
Do you think sometimes we create drama out of boredom?
I mean once you’ve got the house, the partner, the garden, the car, the travel – then what?
I don’t know…
Sigh.
I miss you.
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