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Stars

I looked up at the stars tonight and thought of you

I took a deep breath of the cool late night air and for a moment it’s as if I could feel you

You came into my life out of nowhere
I didn’t think I’d ever see you again

What a curious encounter.
What weird timing.

I don’t feel like I’m mature enough.
Mature to give you what you want and need.

I’m still afraid. I’m still insecure. Like a little girl. I’m shy. Squirmish. I’m still playing oh so small.

And I’m kinda pissed about it. I’m mad at myself because I’m not growing fast enough. I’m not living at the highest embodied version of myself.

I feel locked and oppressed. Sometimes heavy. Dense. My light is dim.

This doesn’t just impact me, but it also impacts my ability to lift more people. I can’t pour from an empty cup.

But that’s gotta change.

I want to be in your frequency. I want to be in your world. Even if it’s just for a little while.

They say when you meet “the one” you would know. Do you believe there is a “the one” out there for you? The one who makes it all make sense? The one who feels like home? The one who feels “right”? Like “yesss— THIS!”

The one who you feel at peace with even in silence. Where you feel safe, seen, understood and heard? The one you could lay your head on their shoulder and talk with for hours about the mysteries of the universe?

Is that person real?

I’d love to make you an avocado toast
and a yogurt bowl topped with fresh fruits we picked from the garden

I’d like for the day to move slowly
For the birds to happily chirp
For the windows to be big, bright and the ceilings tall

I’d like to feel healthy and vibrant
connected to the Universe

True peace

Heaven on Earth

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Deep

If I show you mine will you show me yours?
Your soul.

How deep does it go?
Can I explore it — every inch, every dusty forgotten corner hidden behind furniture you haven’t moved in years. Can I gently pull away the sofa and get underneath? Can I rest here for a moment and look at old photos.

I’d want to ask you a million questions, and hear you answer each one on a warm summer day where a minute feels like a day and a second all at once. I’d like to stay here longer but it’s like the clock is prepping for a marathon.

The timing feels so off.

How could something so good be delivered at the wrong time?

“The Universe makes no mistakes” some would say.

God, why is it like this?

Why does it feel like I am almost there but yet so damn far? SO. DAMN. FAR.
Why does it feel like there is a chance that I’ll never make it?

How I yearn for those days. Those days where it feels solid.
You, me, life, the universe. It’s peaceful. It’s beautiful. It’s solid. It’s certain.

I’ll be okay, you’ll be okay — we’ll be okay.
It will be safe.

The sky clear, the weather warm. Herbs growing in the garden.
I feel safe in my body. I feel loved by you and love you in return.

I wake up slowly and gently.
I make you a beautiful, fresh, home cooked meal.

You can hear the birds.
The landscape green.
The ceilings tall.
Vitality coursing through our blood.
It’s simple.
It’s beautiful.

It’s right.

But what if I never make it?

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Desire

I just want to lay my head on your chest and rest my arm around you
underneath the stars, on a warm summer evening
while the music plays
where for a moment I feel safe
and that desire for the moment to never change creeps in

I just want to hold on longer, I just want to stay here

To look up and see the light shine from your blue eyes
To feel the gentle rising and sinking of your chest
To forget about the worries, the to do’s

and to just exist next to you.


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Time

The time is now

To love
To swim in the ocean
To get the back tattoo your mother told you not to
To feel the wind on your skin
To look up at the moon and howl like a wolf
To say “I’m sorry”
To say “I love you”
To laugh
To dance without caring what anybody else thinks
To bake cookies and offer it to your neighbors
To call your daughter
To write the book
To book a one way flight to London
To release the past
To paint
To kiss
To just fucking LIVE

We’re on a “planet” (this is what we call it, whatever “it” is this is) traversing through space at insane speed, with intelligent bodies and food just growing off the land so we could eat it… like c’mon on.. WTF is going on?

You better start acting like this is magical and CARPE THAT DIEM
There might as well be unicorns riding on leprechauns while doing back flips and eating donuts because none of this makes sense

I am literally typing on a “computer” with intelligent hands who respond to an intelligent brain and then fucking sending this out into the ethers so your intelligent, magnificent eye could read it. LIKE WTF?

If you’re not just losing your shit 24/7 at this marvel, I dunno what else needs to happen for you to awaken to the magic waiting for you to behold it

Ahhhh

The time is fucking NOW

To rise up

and be the most amazing you, you could be

If this was a symphony we’re about to hit the climatic moment

A kaleidoscope of flavors, colors, sounds, tongues

HEARTS ARE OPEN

I am ready to receive

I am ready to give

To surrender to life
While also standing true to that which I am

Neither this nor that
Neither here nor there
Neither this or that

Nothing – Something – Paradox
Folding unto itself in the hopes of squeezing out something…..

Could we finally look into each other’s soul and admit the full truth?
Could we look in each other’s eyes and finally know?

I don’t know

But I think it’s time we at least fucking try

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in love

do you ever fall in love with strangers?

and then create a whole fantasy and picture in your mind of what life will look like together?

How you’ll cuddle all night
wake up and stare at each others eyes
in awe, in joy, in complete peace

you wish time would stop moving, because you’re just so cozy, comfortable, and want for nothing

you make the bed and waltz into the kitchen

he plays some good tunes

*sizzle* *sizzle*

eggs on a pan, he comes up behind you and hugs you

you’re wearing his white cotton button shirt

The sun is shining through the window, the birds are chirping

coffee brewing

And you both start swayin’

……

all because he simply said hello

lol

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Simultaneous

Do you ever wonder if you’re looking at the moon at the same time as your soul mate you haven’t met yet?

Perhaps he is in his room playing the guitar wishing you were there…

While you write on your journal wondering where he is….

A quantum entanglement of simultaneous events unfolding…..

Life is art.



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disappointment

if I could describe our relationship in one word,

”disappointment” would probably be a good one.

———

and I hate that

because I don’t wanna think of you that way

and I don’t wanna feel that

and I hate that it IS that

And therefore, it has to be rectified.

Perhaps with an ending and going our separate ways. Perhaps with becoming better as individuals and meeting back up when the time is right. Perhaps with simply acknowledging and accepting what is and not making anything of it. Perhaps some whole other outcome I can’t even think of.

but it can’t be like this

I can’t let it be a disappointment

I can’t let it be less that perfect

it IS

or it isn’t

and I want it to be GOOD

so damn GOOD

so damn right it blows your mind

I want the RIGHT and CORRECT answer

beyond a shadow of a doubt

it is SO GOOD

and SO RIGHT that anything other, above, or beyond cannot be conceived or imagined because IT IS ALL OF THAT and MORE all in ONE

all and done

So GOOD and SO PERFECT that there is nothing left to add, utter, conceive, say, do, be or have

that’s IT

THAT’S IT!!!

THAT’S

it

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Fantasy

It’s the middle of the night and I’m fantasizing about living a million different lives…

How I wish I could be a Carrie Bradshaw dressed in Vera Wang, waltzing around the streets of New York City in dazzling high heel shoes. A trace of delicate perfume in the air on a summer evening, headed to a cocktail party with the girls.

Then I fantasize about having an eat, pray, love story in Bali. Barefoot. Mala beads. Light, flowy dress. Cross legged. Smoke of an incense dancing in a small, colorful room decorated with Buddha heads, meditation pillows, and ancient philosophy books sprawled on wooden tables.

Ahhhh

I wish there was time to do it all. To live the different flavors of life. To taste the different vibes. To embody the energy of different realities and get to live it all.

Sigh.

Life’s weird.

~~.~~

Well, let me tell you about my love life.

I’m currently with a man who is sweet,

but it feels like so many parts of me with him are dead.

Like that deep, earthy part that years to get completely submerged in inexplicable love that goes beyond senses.

The part that wants to be fully seen and understood without judgement.

The part that feels comfortable with silence and can rest peacefully in tune with all that is–no wants, no worries, just pure ease and bliss. Like “This is it!”

The part that feels like an embodied woman-sexy, wild, free, shameless. In full feminine energy, embracing her body, her cycles, her perfect imperfections.

The part that feels both like a queen and a little girl. Loved and looked after. Honored and respected.


Lol
am I delusional?

a part of me just thinks I should be happy with what I have. That I shouldn’t “self sabotage” because of some fantasy.

But I can’t help but wonder if maybe…

just maybe… there are still parts of me in the space time continuum that are waiting to mature. Waiting to be unlocked and unleashed. But not just yet. Not right now.

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Control

You don’t control if someone loves you

You don’t control if someone stays

I know the tendency is to be hyper vigilant
To want to monitor
To want to be on the lookout for if the person is going to slip, cheat, hide something, lie, do something you wouldn’t want them to do

but is that how you want to live?
If someone is going to do something they want to do, your vigilance isn’t going to make it stop

it’s better to talk about it, in a healthy way
to ask direct questions

To share openly and honestly

to acknowledge that nothing and no one is yours

nothing and no one belongs to you

you are borrowing everything and everything in this life is temporary

you get to experience things and people and events temporarily

everything is slipping away from you each second

and eventually you die

that is what happens

you and this person you’re obsessed with are both going to die

and so will everyone you love and care about

and so will your pets

Everything will pass away eventually

so… what’s the point of freaking out about something that is inevitably going to end anyway?

I don’t mean to get all dark on you

it’s just a reality

We don’t talk about these things but unless you can transfer your consciousness to a robot body or if there is an after life (which who really knows what that’s really like), you will die and all things will change and pass away — right or wrong?

All this is to say… ALLOW what IS to be

Learn to detach and let go when it’s time

Enjoy things and life while you can, as often as you can, for as long as you can

Deal with things with more grace

Hold yourself with more composure

which isn’t to say it isn’t painful

it’s painful if your significant other cheats, lies, flirts with someone else

it’s painful when people pass away

it’s painful when we lose what we love

honor the pain

cry, journal about it, get therapy, feel the hormones course through your body sending uncomfortable signals all through your system — stomach clench, heart race, rage, sadness, powerlessness, ego punched in the face

life sometimes is also like this — merciless, dark, painful, void

But it’s also full of beauty, forgiveness, rebirth, understanding, revival — love.

You gotta take the good with the bad

and realize you don’t always have control

yes sometimes you are powerless and life will bring you to your knees — but not always

Sometimes we just have to surrender

surrender to what IS

We can’t argue with what is and trying to control it and force it to be different isn’t going to change it

you can always talk about it — you can always try

try to make the best of it, try to find the best way forward

but if something isn’t

then — it isn’t

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