Do you ever wonder if you’re looking at the moon at the same time as your soul mate you haven’t met yet?
Perhaps he is in his room playing the guitar wishing you were there…
While you write on your journal wondering where he is….
A quantum entanglement of simultaneous events unfolding…..
Life is art.
if I could describe our relationship in one word,
”disappointment” would probably be a good one.
———
and I hate that
because I don’t wanna think of you that way
and I don’t wanna feel that
and I hate that it IS that
And therefore, it has to be rectified.
Perhaps with an ending and going our separate ways. Perhaps with becoming better as individuals and meeting back up when the time is right. Perhaps with simply acknowledging and accepting what is and not making anything of it. Perhaps some whole other outcome I can’t even think of.
but it can’t be like this
I can’t let it be a disappointment
I can’t let it be less that perfect
it IS
or it isn’t
and I want it to be GOOD
so damn GOOD
so damn right it blows your mind
I want the RIGHT and CORRECT answer
beyond a shadow of a doubt
it is SO GOOD
and SO RIGHT that anything other, above, or beyond cannot be conceived or imagined because IT IS ALL OF THAT and MORE all in ONE
all and done
So GOOD and SO PERFECT that there is nothing left to add, utter, conceive, say, do, be or have
that’s IT
THAT’S IT!!!
THAT’S
it
It’s the middle of the night and I’m fantasizing about living a million different lives…
How I wish I could be a Carrie Bradshaw dressed in Vera Wang, waltzing around the streets of New York City in dazzling high heel shoes. A trace of delicate perfume in the air on a summer evening, headed to a cocktail party with the girls.
Then I fantasize about having an eat, pray, love story in Bali. Barefoot. Mala beads. Light, flowy dress. Cross legged. Smoke of an incense dancing in a small, colorful room decorated with Buddha heads, meditation pillows, and ancient philosophy books sprawled on wooden tables.
Ahhhh
I wish there was time to do it all. To live the different flavors of life. To taste the different vibes. To embody the energy of different realities and get to live it all.
Sigh.
Life’s weird.
~~.~~
Well, let me tell you about my love life.
I’m currently with a man who is sweet,
but it feels like so many parts of me with him are dead.
Like that deep, earthy part that years to get completely submerged in inexplicable love that goes beyond senses.
The part that wants to be fully seen and understood without judgement.
The part that feels comfortable with silence and can rest peacefully in tune with all that is–no wants, no worries, just pure ease and bliss. Like “This is it!”
The part that feels like an embodied woman-sexy, wild, free, shameless. In full feminine energy, embracing her body, her cycles, her perfect imperfections.
The part that feels both like a queen and a little girl. Loved and looked after. Honored and respected.
Lol
am I delusional?
a part of me just thinks I should be happy with what I have. That I shouldn’t “self sabotage” because of some fantasy.
But I can’t help but wonder if maybe…
just maybe… there are still parts of me in the space time continuum that are waiting to mature. Waiting to be unlocked and unleashed. But not just yet. Not right now.
You don’t control if someone loves you
You don’t control if someone stays
I know the tendency is to be hyper vigilant
To want to monitor
To want to be on the lookout for if the person is going to slip, cheat, hide something, lie, do something you wouldn’t want them to do
but is that how you want to live?
If someone is going to do something they want to do, your vigilance isn’t going to make it stop
it’s better to talk about it, in a healthy way
to ask direct questions
To share openly and honestly
to acknowledge that nothing and no one is yours
nothing and no one belongs to you
you are borrowing everything and everything in this life is temporary
you get to experience things and people and events temporarily
everything is slipping away from you each second
and eventually you die
that is what happens
you and this person you’re obsessed with are both going to die
and so will everyone you love and care about
and so will your pets
Everything will pass away eventually
so… what’s the point of freaking out about something that is inevitably going to end anyway?
I don’t mean to get all dark on you
it’s just a reality
We don’t talk about these things but unless you can transfer your consciousness to a robot body or if there is an after life (which who really knows what that’s really like), you will die and all things will change and pass away — right or wrong?
All this is to say… ALLOW what IS to be
Learn to detach and let go when it’s time
Enjoy things and life while you can, as often as you can, for as long as you can
Deal with things with more grace
Hold yourself with more composure
which isn’t to say it isn’t painful
it’s painful if your significant other cheats, lies, flirts with someone else
it’s painful when people pass away
it’s painful when we lose what we love
honor the pain
cry, journal about it, get therapy, feel the hormones course through your body sending uncomfortable signals all through your system — stomach clench, heart race, rage, sadness, powerlessness, ego punched in the face
life sometimes is also like this — merciless, dark, painful, void
But it’s also full of beauty, forgiveness, rebirth, understanding, revival — love.
You gotta take the good with the bad
and realize you don’t always have control
yes sometimes you are powerless and life will bring you to your knees — but not always
Sometimes we just have to surrender
surrender to what IS
We can’t argue with what is and trying to control it and force it to be different isn’t going to change it
you can always talk about it — you can always try
try to make the best of it, try to find the best way forward
but if something isn’t
then — it isn’t
Love is an incredible drug
Once I have it I’m so afraid to lose it
and if I give it, sometimes I fear it’ll be rejected
so at times I withhold it… because if I admit I love you, really love you, then I am vulnerable. I’ve given my power away.
You love me now, but will you love me tomorrow?
I think about how time takes everything away… and eventually we say good bye to everything in this material world
Everything is borrowed. Temporary. Here and then not here.
Ain’t that some shit?
But that’s also a very limiting perspective of what the possibilities really are. So don’t let my cynicism bring you down.
Have you ever watched the movie, “What dreams may come”?
Perhaps life is more romantic than I think it is.
Perhaps it’s more magical than I allow it to be.
Perhaps it’s more beautiful than the jaded part of me allows me to see.
Anyway…
I don’t wanna be cynical and negative
and keep complaining to you like I always do
But I wanted to vent a little bit…
Other things I’ve been reflecting on:
“We’re all walking each other home” a quote I’m heavily resonating with.
We need to get our shit together.
The “they” and “them” we keep waiting to do something about our problems is me and you.
It’s up to us to stir this ship in the direction we wish it to go.
Older generations dying off – and we are the leaders of today’s world.
We are the doctors, the teachers, the janitors, the law makers, the jail keepers, the deli clerk, the guy in the corner asking for a dollar — it’s us. This is it and this is us. This is our planet in the condition that it’s in. Thank you for all you do.
Thank you for the roads, they get us to and from places.
Thank you for the food you planted: we can just easily choose them in our abundant markets. Thank you for the water in my pipes. Thank you for pizza. For electricity. For my iPhone. For the music you make.
You’re all incredible.
Room for improvement? Yes. Complaining isn’t enough. We have to DO something about it. Taking accountability and with loving kindness, compassion, order, justice and with virtue construct what we wish to see.
Ego, tame it.
I’m sorry goes a long way. Be willing to accept you’re not perfect either. Be willing to take accountability for your side and part of the equation. We’re all human and make mistakes. Forgive. Heal. Let go. Move on. Restore.
What’s the point of creating suffering for each other? It’s much better if we’re having fun. If we’re healthy. If we are using our brain power for good. To have an awesome and lovely party here on our beautiful planet Earth. Walking each other through the days that unfold.
Be kind
Have patience
Plant good seeds
Let’s take care of each other
——
also,
I think I’m in love.
And I’m excited and scared all at the same time
but what I really want most is to trust
trust the process
trust life
and maybe to believe in God again
a good God
One that truly cares about all and is for all, even the naughty ones in the bunch – without judgement
just love
Pure love
——
oh,
I think I also want a baby. Lol
absurd! I never thought I’d say that
but first, I’m more focused on building security
and finding myself, my voice, and be more ingrained and aligned in my work.
Maybe I’ll adopt.
but honestly who knows… I can die tomorrow for all I know (here’s my cynicism again 😩). I can be so dark sometimes but also so light — it’s annoying to hold both these energies. Can’t I just be normal? Can’t I just be a normal person who doesn’t think so much and feel so much? Is that what normal even is?
ok I’m done
If you’re reading this, wow
you’re the real MVP
I’ve always dreamt of having people read my words 🥹
you’re a dream come true
thank you
I love you
^ I don’t even know you, how can I say I love you
I don’t know, I think I just do
Every now and then I think of you
like today when I got a whiff of the way your laundry smelled
not all laundry smells the same
yours always smelled distinctly good…
Sometimes the memories just pop back up
Your tall ceilings
drinking morning coffee while we sun bathed in your yard
tender moments in the shower
your cool red lamp and the smell of palo santo
the depth of your soul
the width of your mind
playing music in your office room
playing cards
your laugh that didn’t happen all that easily so when it did it was extra special
exploring consciousness
dropping into the body in ways I hadn’t done before
your exquisite home cooked meals
talented creations & artistry
your amazing dog
and comfortable, lux sofa.
Sometimes I wonder if you think about me too.
If so, when?
When you’re lonely and wish you hadn’t let me go?
When you’re having so much fun that you’re glad you let me go?
In passing?
Not like it even matters.
I hope you’re happy now
Do I dim my light to be accepted?
Must I walk a certain way? Talk a certain way? Look a certain way? Be a certain way — and then I’ll be accepted?
Sometimes it can be hard for me to open up to love
because sometimes I experience rejection and it hurts, and it makes me close off
because I’m loved by others conditionally
Only loved if my hair is brushed or when I’m in shape
Only loved if my skin is youthful
Or if I make enough money and live in a nice place
Only loved if this or that or the other
Conditions, conditions…
-Sigh-
I think the secret is to give yourself the full love you seek from another
To accept yourself fully, without judgement
And to be around others who accept you as much as possible— even if they can’t accept all of you 24/7 365 in all your light, color, size, shape and being.
If you’re fulfilled with your own love the rejection of the other won’t ultimately shake you because you’re already full of love and acceptance; the love and acceptance you’ve already given yourself
Easier said than done, I know
but it’s a feeling you cultivate, a feeling you imprint into every cell of your being
It’s a practice
A practice of committing and re-committing to loving yourself without judgment,
without basing your sense of self worth on what you think you need to be in order to receive love from the other
To not hide or dim your light
We are all on our individual journeys, no one person can be all about you 24/7
So don’t be surprised when they’re not
It isn’t a bad thing, it’s just the nature of relationships
Work on being okay with yourself
(Which isn’t to say don’t take healthy constructive criticism and make improvements as needed for your personal development and growth)
But find that still, loving, grounded, accepting presence within yourself. It is always there no matter what.
The love you seek from the other is already there.
Don’t fear rejection of the other (that happens from time to time and is normal — it does not mean you are objectively unlovable or undesirable)
Reserve your company for those who make you feel good for the most part (No one person can make you feel good 24/7)
If someone doesn’t make you feel good, you have the option to talk through it and work together to make the situation better
If it doesn’t improve despite best efforts, it’s okay to kindly release that person and distance yourself (even if it hurts at first)
-Sigh-
This rant went on longer than I intended it to…
In conclusion,
Living is quite the art—
It’s a practice
Do your best to love and accept yourself
No one else can really do it for you,
Except maybe Jesus?
But that’s a whole other story
When I said “I like this song” … he turned up the volume
and when I was cold… he offered his sweater
have you ever for a moment looked into the eyes of someone else and saw everything you wanted staring back at you…
yet though you were excited you were actually more afraid?
“Does saying yes to this mean saying no to all the other possibilities? Is this really what I want? Is this the right person for me?”
I once heard a love coach say we should settle ON someone, not FOR someone
there will always be other options…
Like going to an ice cream shop and being presented with so many flavors — you eventually have to make a choice on what to order.
I kind of think about a long term partner like that… we eventually have to say yes to someone if we are going to want to relate deeply.
I don’t know…
Do I even want a relationship?
This is the first time I started to learn to enjoy my own company outside of anybody else. And it’s actually been really nice growing more into this “self focused” version of me.
maybe we don’t have to have all the answers right away
maybe we can just let time lead the way
I think the key is in finding balance
keeping yourself whole without losing yourself in another – avoiding codependency
not rushing into a decision
letting time reveal more of the way
while communicating openly and honestly
staying open to love
~*~*~*~*~
we drove off into the morning sun and for a moment I could feel as if I could live into everything I have imagined
we don’t realize that our dreams are fantasies are truly possible until we allow ourselves to feel into it and live it
yet what I noticed is that feeling good all the time kind of scares me
and that fear and hesitation brings me back to earth, back to reality
there is something to be said about this “being in vibration” and being in a certain “frequency”.
I have been noticing my frequency change
and for a moment it’s almost like I am moving closer into heaven… but I can’t sustain it… and I am brought back down
down into my human body with my fears and limitations
with my doubts
my existential crisis
and again, I am alone
You are your only guarantee
Everyone else is an external factor
when you were born, you were there
and at every moment of every day until the end of your life, you are the one who will always be there
people will come and go
places will come and go
things will change
some people may leave you because they no longer love you or wish to be in your life
some will leave you because they die
some will exit for whatever other circumstance
get comfortable with your own company
stop trying to seek someone else to make you feel happy, loved and okay
learn to enjoy your own company
learn to be okay with your own presence
you do not need a relationship in order to be okay
be okay on your own
this way you can invite people into your life out of true desire rather than a need to escape your loneliness
spend time on your hobbies
invest in your personal development and career
read a book
take a class
find a recipe and cook something new
have a self care practice
write a blog
make time to spend with people who nourish you and make you feel seen, accepted, loved
remember that you are your only guarantee and you are the one who will be with you 24/7, 365 until death — make peace and friends with yourself
learn to be comfortable in your body
learn to be comfortable in your life
learn to feel safe and okay with yourself
(not in an arrogant I don’t need nobody typa way, but in a healthy “I feel at ease with myself and my life” typa way) and from this energy go out and make connections, enjoy your life
let go of the desperate need to have someone else complete you
you already are complete
you are your guarantee
everyone and everything else outside you will come and go,
until eventually you go too
(RIP)
it’s all temporary
make the best of it
enjoy your own company and consequently the right people will come into your life to add to it
when you treat yourself right and feel okay with yourself it’s easy to spot bad relationships and people who aren’t healthy for you — because you already know your standard and you are already okay on your own
reflectoutloud.com 