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Time

The time is now

To love
To swim in the ocean
To get the back tattoo your mother told you not to
To feel the wind on your skin
To look up at the moon and howl like a wolf
To say “I’m sorry”
To say “I love you”
To laugh
To dance without caring what anybody else thinks
To bake cookies and offer it to your neighbors
To call your daughter
To write the book
To book a one way flight to London
To release the past
To paint
To kiss
To just fucking LIVE

We’re on a “planet” (this is what we call it, whatever “it” is this is) traversing through space at insane speed, with intelligent bodies and food just growing off the land so we could eat it… like c’mon on.. WTF is going on?

You better start acting like this is magical and CARPE THAT DIEM
There might as well be unicorns riding on leprechauns while doing back flips and eating donuts because none of this makes sense

I am literally typing on a “computer” with intelligent hands who respond to an intelligent brain and then fucking sending this out into the ethers so your intelligent, magnificent eye could read it. LIKE WTF?

If you’re not just losing your shit 24/7 at this marvel, I dunno what else needs to happen for you to awaken to the magic waiting for you to behold it

Ahhhh

The time is fucking NOW

To rise up

and be the most amazing you, you could be

If this was a symphony we’re about to hit the climatic moment

A kaleidoscope of flavors, colors, sounds, tongues

HEARTS ARE OPEN

I am ready to receive

I am ready to give

To surrender to life
While also standing true to that which I am

Neither this nor that
Neither here nor there
Neither this or that

Nothing – Something – Paradox
Folding unto itself in the hopes of squeezing out something…..

Could we finally look into each other’s soul and admit the full truth?
Could we look in each other’s eyes and finally know?

I don’t know

But I think it’s time we at least fucking try

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in love

do you ever fall in love with strangers?

and then create a whole fantasy and picture in your mind of what life will look like together?

How you’ll cuddle all night
wake up and stare at each others eyes
in awe, in joy, in complete peace

you wish time would stop moving, because you’re just so cozy, comfortable, and want for nothing

you make the bed and waltz into the kitchen

he plays some good tunes

*sizzle* *sizzle*

eggs on a pan, he comes up behind you and hugs you

you’re wearing his white cotton button shirt

The sun is shining through the window, the birds are chirping

coffee brewing

And you both start swayin’

……

all because he simply said hello

lol

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Simultaneous

Do you ever wonder if you’re looking at the moon at the same time as your soul mate you haven’t met yet?

Perhaps he is in his room playing the guitar wishing you were there…

While you write on your journal wondering where he is….

A quantum entanglement of simultaneous events unfolding…..

Life is art.



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disappointment

if I could describe our relationship in one word,

”disappointment” would probably be a good one.

———

and I hate that

because I don’t wanna think of you that way

and I don’t wanna feel that

and I hate that it IS that

And therefore, it has to be rectified.

Perhaps with an ending and going our separate ways. Perhaps with becoming better as individuals and meeting back up when the time is right. Perhaps with simply acknowledging and accepting what is and not making anything of it. Perhaps some whole other outcome I can’t even think of.

but it can’t be like this

I can’t let it be a disappointment

I can’t let it be less that perfect

it IS

or it isn’t

and I want it to be GOOD

so damn GOOD

so damn right it blows your mind

I want the RIGHT and CORRECT answer

beyond a shadow of a doubt

it is SO GOOD

and SO RIGHT that anything other, above, or beyond cannot be conceived or imagined because IT IS ALL OF THAT and MORE all in ONE

all and done

So GOOD and SO PERFECT that there is nothing left to add, utter, conceive, say, do, be or have

that’s IT

THAT’S IT!!!

THAT’S

it

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Fantasy

It’s the middle of the night and I’m fantasizing about living a million different lives…

How I wish I could be a Carrie Bradshaw dressed in Vera Wang, waltzing around the streets of New York City in dazzling high heel shoes. A trace of delicate perfume in the air on a summer evening, headed to a cocktail party with the girls.

Then I fantasize about having an eat, pray, love story in Bali. Barefoot. Mala beads. Light, flowy dress. Cross legged. Smoke of an incense dancing in a small, colorful room decorated with Buddha heads, meditation pillows, and ancient philosophy books sprawled on wooden tables.

Ahhhh

I wish there was time to do it all. To live the different flavors of life. To taste the different vibes. To embody the energy of different realities and get to live it all.

Sigh.

Life’s weird.

~~.~~

Well, let me tell you about my love life.

I’m currently with a man who is sweet,

but it feels like so many parts of me with him are dead.

Like that deep, earthy part that years to get completely submerged in inexplicable love that goes beyond senses.

The part that wants to be fully seen and understood without judgement.

The part that feels comfortable with silence and can rest peacefully in tune with all that is–no wants, no worries, just pure ease and bliss. Like “This is it!”

The part that feels like an embodied woman-sexy, wild, free, shameless. In full feminine energy, embracing her body, her cycles, her perfect imperfections.

The part that feels both like a queen and a little girl. Loved and looked after. Honored and respected.


Lol
am I delusional?

a part of me just thinks I should be happy with what I have. That I shouldn’t “self sabotage” because of some fantasy.

But I can’t help but wonder if maybe…

just maybe… there are still parts of me in the space time continuum that are waiting to mature. Waiting to be unlocked and unleashed. But not just yet. Not right now.

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Control

You don’t control if someone loves you

You don’t control if someone stays

I know the tendency is to be hyper vigilant
To want to monitor
To want to be on the lookout for if the person is going to slip, cheat, hide something, lie, do something you wouldn’t want them to do

but is that how you want to live?
If someone is going to do something they want to do, your vigilance isn’t going to make it stop

it’s better to talk about it, in a healthy way
to ask direct questions

To share openly and honestly

to acknowledge that nothing and no one is yours

nothing and no one belongs to you

you are borrowing everything and everything in this life is temporary

you get to experience things and people and events temporarily

everything is slipping away from you each second

and eventually you die

that is what happens

you and this person you’re obsessed with are both going to die

and so will everyone you love and care about

and so will your pets

Everything will pass away eventually

so… what’s the point of freaking out about something that is inevitably going to end anyway?

I don’t mean to get all dark on you

it’s just a reality

We don’t talk about these things but unless you can transfer your consciousness to a robot body or if there is an after life (which who really knows what that’s really like), you will die and all things will change and pass away — right or wrong?

All this is to say… ALLOW what IS to be

Learn to detach and let go when it’s time

Enjoy things and life while you can, as often as you can, for as long as you can

Deal with things with more grace

Hold yourself with more composure

which isn’t to say it isn’t painful

it’s painful if your significant other cheats, lies, flirts with someone else

it’s painful when people pass away

it’s painful when we lose what we love

honor the pain

cry, journal about it, get therapy, feel the hormones course through your body sending uncomfortable signals all through your system — stomach clench, heart race, rage, sadness, powerlessness, ego punched in the face

life sometimes is also like this — merciless, dark, painful, void

But it’s also full of beauty, forgiveness, rebirth, understanding, revival — love.

You gotta take the good with the bad

and realize you don’t always have control

yes sometimes you are powerless and life will bring you to your knees — but not always

Sometimes we just have to surrender

surrender to what IS

We can’t argue with what is and trying to control it and force it to be different isn’t going to change it

you can always talk about it — you can always try

try to make the best of it, try to find the best way forward

but if something isn’t

then — it isn’t

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Love

Love is an incredible drug

Once I have it I’m so afraid to lose it

and if I give it, sometimes I fear it’ll be rejected

so at times I withhold it… because if I admit I love you, really love you, then I am vulnerable. I’ve given my power away.

You love me now, but will you love me tomorrow?

I think about how time takes everything away… and eventually we say good bye to everything in this material world

Everything is borrowed. Temporary. Here and then not here.

Ain’t that some shit?

But that’s also a very limiting perspective of what the possibilities really are. So don’t let my cynicism bring you down.

Have you ever watched the movie, “What dreams may come”?

Perhaps life is more romantic than I think it is.
Perhaps it’s more magical than I allow it to be.
Perhaps it’s more beautiful than the jaded part of me allows me to see.

Anyway…

I don’t wanna be cynical and negative
and keep complaining to you like I always do

But I wanted to vent a little bit…

Other things I’ve been reflecting on:
“We’re all walking each other home” a quote I’m heavily resonating with.

We need to get our shit together.
The “they” and “them” we keep waiting to do something about our problems is me and you.

It’s up to us to stir this ship in the direction we wish it to go.

Older generations dying off – and we are the leaders of today’s world.

We are the doctors, the teachers, the janitors, the law makers, the jail keepers, the deli clerk, the guy in the corner asking for a dollar — it’s us. This is it and this is us. This is our planet in the condition that it’s in. Thank you for all you do.

Thank you for the roads, they get us to and from places.
Thank you for the food you planted: we can just easily choose them in our abundant markets. Thank you for the water in my pipes. Thank you for pizza. For electricity. For my iPhone. For the music you make.

You’re all incredible.

Room for improvement? Yes. Complaining isn’t enough. We have to DO something about it. Taking accountability and with loving kindness, compassion, order, justice and with virtue construct what we wish to see.

Ego, tame it.

I’m sorry goes a long way. Be willing to accept you’re not perfect either. Be willing to take accountability for your side and part of the equation. We’re all human and make mistakes. Forgive. Heal. Let go. Move on. Restore.

What’s the point of creating suffering for each other? It’s much better if we’re having fun. If we’re healthy. If we are using our brain power for good. To have an awesome and lovely party here on our beautiful planet Earth. Walking each other through the days that unfold.

Be kind

Have patience

Plant good seeds

Let’s take care of each other

——

also,

I think I’m in love.

And I’m excited and scared all at the same time

but what I really want most is to trust

trust the process

trust life

and maybe to believe in God again

a good God

One that truly cares about all and is for all, even the naughty ones in the bunch – without judgement

just love

Pure love

——

oh,

I think I also want a baby. Lol

absurd! I never thought I’d say that

but first, I’m more focused on building security

and finding myself, my voice, and be more ingrained and aligned in my work.

Maybe I’ll adopt.

but honestly who knows… I can die tomorrow for all I know (here’s my cynicism again 😩). I can be so dark sometimes but also so light — it’s annoying to hold both these energies. Can’t I just be normal? Can’t I just be a normal person who doesn’t think so much and feel so much? Is that what normal even is?

ok I’m done

If you’re reading this, wow

you’re the real MVP

I’ve always dreamt of having people read my words 🥹

you’re a dream come true

thank you

I love you

^ I don’t even know you, how can I say I love you

I don’t know, I think I just do


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Laundry

Every now and then I think of you

like today when I got a whiff of the way your laundry smelled

not all laundry smells the same
yours always smelled distinctly good…

Sometimes the memories just pop back up

Your tall ceilings
drinking morning coffee while we sun bathed in your yard
tender moments in the shower
your cool red lamp and the smell of palo santo
the depth of your soul
the width of your mind
playing music in your office room
playing cards
your laugh that didn’t happen all that easily so when it did it was extra special
exploring consciousness
dropping into the body in ways I hadn’t done before
your exquisite home cooked meals
talented creations & artistry
your amazing dog
and comfortable, lux sofa.

Sometimes I wonder if you think about me too.
If so, when?

When you’re lonely and wish you hadn’t let me go?
When you’re having so much fun that you’re glad you let me go?
In passing?

Not like it even matters.

I hope you’re happy now


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Accepted

Do I dim my light to be accepted?

Must I walk a certain way? Talk a certain way? Look a certain way? Be a certain way — and then I’ll be accepted?

Sometimes it can be hard for me to open up to love

because sometimes I experience rejection and it hurts, and it makes me close off

because I’m loved by others conditionally

Only loved if my hair is brushed or when I’m in shape
Only loved if my skin is youthful
Or if I make enough money and live in a nice place
Only loved if this or that or the other

Conditions, conditions…

-Sigh-

I think the secret is to give yourself the full love you seek from another

To accept yourself fully, without judgement

And to be around others who accept you as much as possible— even if they can’t accept all of you 24/7 365 in all your light, color, size, shape and being.

If you’re fulfilled with your own love the rejection of the other won’t ultimately shake you because you’re already full of love and acceptance; the love and acceptance you’ve already given yourself

Easier said than done, I know

but it’s a feeling you cultivate, a feeling you imprint into every cell of your being
It’s a practice

A practice of committing and re-committing to loving yourself without judgment,

without basing your sense of self worth on what you think you need to be in order to receive love from the other

To not hide or dim your light

We are all on our individual journeys, no one person can be all about you 24/7

So don’t be surprised when they’re not

It isn’t a bad thing, it’s just the nature of relationships

Work on being okay with yourself

(Which isn’t to say don’t take healthy constructive criticism and make improvements as needed for your personal development and growth)

But find that still, loving, grounded, accepting presence within yourself. It is always there no matter what.

The love you seek from the other is already there.

Don’t fear rejection of the other (that happens from time to time and is normal — it does not mean you are objectively unlovable or undesirable)

Reserve your company for those who make you feel good for the most part (No one person can make you feel good 24/7)

If someone doesn’t make you feel good, you have the option to talk through it and work together to make the situation better

If it doesn’t improve despite best efforts, it’s okay to kindly release that person and distance yourself (even if it hurts at first)

-Sigh-

This rant went on longer than I intended it to…

In conclusion,

Living is quite the art—
It’s a practice

Do your best to love and accept yourself
No one else can really do it for you,

Except maybe Jesus?

But that’s a whole other story

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