So close to you, yet so far
Open door, thick walls.
Do you believe in magic?
In manifestation?
I think it’s better when you don’t force it. When you let the magic itself unfold.
How do I let go and forget?
I don’t want to care. But apparently my brain has other plans.
The journey is the destination. This process is the whole point.
I need to learn to enjoy it more. Even when you are so far.
I was petting Luna the dog and felt so inspired to write this after.
I was observing just how perfect all her hairs are. I noticed my hand petting her and the sensory experience of “feeling”. I am marveled at the incredible design work of existence.
There is no way you can convince me there isn’t something incredibly special happening right before our eyes. I am speechless in the face of it all. How intelligently designed our reality is. I am marveled. Taken aback and breathless.
When I stop to contemplate it all I cannot help but feel this ecstatic wonder. Deep excitement! Why would we take this experience for granted? How could we walk around numbed and dull? Are we drugged and hypnotized into thinking any of this is just “normal”? GAHHHHH, I want to shout it from the rooftops and mountains – “WE EXIST!!! AND IT’S EPIC!!!”
It excites me so much I want to sing. I want to turn my life into a musical. I want to dance, prance, skip, hop, and twirl into the ethers like a fairy.
How are we not LOSING it with blissful awe at the magic that is before us?
I want to be lost in the magic every day. I want to ADORE each moment, even the ones I rather not experience.
Let’s hold hands and co-create something beautiful. Something we are excited to wake up to and play in.
It’s up to us. We are the ones co-creating the systems, the laws, the roads, the cars, the twinkies.
It’s us.
It’s up to us.
The moon was full last night and of course I thought of you.
I thought of sitting in a deliciously warm room in what felt like Costa Rica
Legs crossed like a yogi and I’m facing you
For a long, tender moment our foreheads touch
It’s like I can understand you but without the need for any words
Ahhh….
Lately I have been craving deep, deep peace. As if every part of me just wants to root down into the depths of the Earth and sink into this deeeeep deeep comfort. A place where I feel like I could rest. A place where I feel like I could trust. A place that feels more solid. I place of ease and true joy.
I want to become lighter. There is desire for surrender. To feel every cell in my body move three octaves higher.
MMM..
This morning I was kissed by the crisp morning air and I couldn’t stop filling my lungs with this cosmic juice. I stopped for a moment and looked again at the moon that shined so brightly in the sky. I literally took a moment to pause. I wish I could just stand there forever in awe. Forever in bliss.
I feel like there is this version of me who is birthing that I’m madly in love with. I can only catch glimpses of the vibration. Sometimes she scares me because being her means letting go of the version of me I have always been. It means letting go of the fears I’ve felt. The doubts. The lack of courage.
Wow. Can you just imagine waking up in FULL TRUST, DEEP JOY, DEEP PEACE, DEEP FUCKING LOVE AND MASSIVE AMOUNTS OF FAITH.
Lol… A part of me is like “You’re delusional”
and then the other part is like “Call it whatever you want, but if it brings me all of that, so be it!”
I feel like I am learning to feel more comfortable in my body. More comfortable in my womanhood. I still feel like a squirmish girl. A little awkward. A little afraid. And I welcome and love all those parts of me without abandon. But the keyword is, I am still very much *learning*. Very entrenched into the curriculum of Earth school.
What a ride.
The other day I heard myself say, “Perhaps, after all, there is no magic.”
My heart broken at the thought of a meaningless universe.
I’m holding my breath in anticipation that everything will turn around and the sneaky suspicion that there is something beautiful here for us is going to finally reveal itself and it will all make sense. All the pain, the hardships, the sadness, the difficult times — it will all be for a good and greater purpose.
I gotta trust. I gotta keep believing.
I gotta keep having faith even when I want to collapse instead.
So I pick up the pieces of my wounded little soul and wipe the tear off my cheek. I remind myself I am a warrior. I am strong. I am capable. I am resilient. I am here for a reason.
If only I could stop playing small. If only I could release all this dirt from my DNA and re-wire, re-program, re-code myself into the light. Calibrate myself into the frame of existence where I own my world. I own my reality. I’m not lost or afraid or feeling out of control. Defeated.
So much energy spent on processing nonsense. On being in “Woe is me” mentality. Sulking. Complaining. Drowning in this muck. Giving my power away. Feeling like the forces that are trying to sink me are so much greater than me. Gasping for hope.
WHERE ARE YOU GOD? Were you ever even there?
What is this? Who am I? Why am I in this constant state of dis- ease when I KNOW deep down in my bones there is so much more than that. Yet I can’t seem to tap into it. I can’t seem to cross over.
I keep reaching, reaching, reaching — falling back down.
Reaching, striving, reaching, reaching — falling further down in quantum quicksand.
sizufdhgidhfgidhfbodhf. It angers me. Annoys me. I can’t get away from me. 24/7 stuck in this body which in truth I love so much. “I love you.” I whisper to myself. “I care.” “I’m here.” “I’m listening.”
I sink deeper into my body. Craving ecstasy, freedom, boundless unity and mass expansion. I want to melt into the nothing. I want to become one with the ethers. I want to be free.
I wonder… are we addicted to feeling sad? scared? worried?
Because it feels too weird being happy.
It feels too weird to let our guard down.
Because letting our guard down, letting our system relax, means danger could be lurking at any corner.
We must be on hyper-vigilance. Looking out for any possible threat.
Interpreting every detail. Staying two-three steps ahead of the game just to be safe.
Can’t let anybody fool me.
Can’t let myself get hurt.
Can’t let them try to pull a fast one on me.
Can’t let myself stay behind on the race.
Are these the kind of thoughts that are keeping us stuck?
Because we are afraid to swim in peace because you never know when a shark is gonna come out from under and just rip your feet apart when you stop looking?
Am I just too scared to let go and truly be happy? Truly start seeing miracles literally unfold right before my eyes?
Is that too crazy?
Is there something actually really beautiful happening right now but I am just too scared, too “real,” too worried to see it?
What would have happened if I actually let go that night? If I actually allowed myself to truly love you? If I wasn’t scared to say yes. If I wasn’t trying to run away. Would I have turned around and seen the light? Because there would have been no better moment in my life.
What If I were to swim without fear. Walk without fear. Dance without fear. Laugh without fear. Speak without fear. Breathe without fear. Play without fear. Simply exist without fear.
What would that look like?
What would that be like?
reflectoutloud.com 