Lately I’ve been grappling with what actually matters in love and life.
What are we really doing, ya know? What’s the point?
If we don’t figure out the death problem then we’re all going to die. Yet we don’t seem to be talking about that enough. Some say there is an after life. A heaven. A hell. Some say there is nothing. Some say we re-incarnate. Too many different narratives make me unsure what is true.
I’m aging. Time is passing. I’ve already aged since I started this post. We’re all moving. We’re all changing. What is really the point?
Sometimes I want to sell everything and just drive off on the road without a clear destination. This idea sounds cute in theory until I need a bathroom. A shower. A bed. A place to stand and stretch. A kitchen to cook and store food. So maybe what I really want is more adventure, not to sell all my things and go into the road indefinitely. I’ve done multiple cross country road trips. They’re cool but it does get tiring being on the road at times.
Anyway, back to the point.
What matters?
Health seems to matter. If we’re going to exist might as well be in a body that operates well and feels decently good.
Food. Shelter. Connection. And I suppose some kind of purpose.
There is a force moving us forward whether we like it or not. I can’t stay still even if I wanted to. Something is moving me forward. Which begs an even greater question, am I just watching my life happen and have no real but only perceived control over it? Too much of a big question I don’t want to get into at the moment but certainly an interesting one.
Gah.
Experiences. Do they matter? If so, which?
We all have different ideas of what experiences we want. Take motherhood, for example. Not all of us womb holders want to have the motherhood experience. How does one go about deciding what experiences matter?
—
DEEP BREATH IN
DEEP EXHALE OUT
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Life is both this deeply profound, delicious, juicy nectar I want to soak up while marveling in complete breathtaking awe… AND… an incredibly soul crushing, agonizing, gnawing, bleeding, heartless devastation.
!ROAR!
Roar at this magnificence and this gut wrenching emptiness.
ROAR at this EVERYTHING-NOTHING THING.
WHAT MATTERS?!
There is so much I want to tell you it would take me 7,000 years and a day to put it all into words.
So I’ll kind of vomit it all here and see where that takes us. In the wise words of Post Malone, “Ooh, I fall apart. Down to my core” because literally that is how it has felt. Like the deepest part of my soul I didn’t even know I had has been touched in such a profound way I didn’t know was possible. But I only got a taste of it. A taste of pure love.
Speaking of falling apart — this is exactly what I am feeling.
Things have to fall apart in order for the new to come into place. It’s like a demolition.
If you’re falling apart, don’t worry. This is all going to make you grow.
Growing pains. It’s a thing.
Ugh this is one of those where I have a bajillion things to say but can’t really get it out.
My heart is closed.
It is but it isn’t.
It’s just re-directed.
I think I’m becoming a woman. LOL.
I’ve always felt like a girl. And I don’t know how to not be this tiny little girl I’ve always been.
Who the heck do I think I am becoming this woman who thinks she knows something? Lol…
Being human is funny.
I literally feel everything, it’s so much it’s annoying. Do I need a mood stabilizer? Perhaps.
I am this ball of sensations. From bliss, to awe, to sadness, grief, anger, fear, excitement, desire, back to sadness, annoyance, frustrations, all else in between.
Ok. I don’t want to trouble you with my woes and melancholies.
I’m not getting into the specifics.
Here’s what I am learning:
To hold nuance. To accept what is while also taking action on what I can. To regulate my nervous system. To remain grounded. To make space for pleasure and fun not just work and “trying to figure it out”. To not seek the outside to make me feel okay on the inside. To not let the outside make me not okay on the inside. To be okay on the inside as a state of being not a result of what I have or do.
Of course all I want to do is melt into the ether and fall in love with you and forget space and time. Of course all I want to do is be everything and nothing at all. Which makes no sense. I realize nothing actually makes sense.
I went to Improv yesterday. It was fun. And suddenly it dawned on me that life is just ABSURD. It makes no sense. That perhaps there is no embedded purpose, it just IS for no other reason other than it just is. Life IS. That’s it. Why? Because it IS.
ABSURD!!!!
My mind is blown. IT IS BLOWN, Felicia! BLOWN!
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Lately I have also been taking deeeeeeeep breaths. I am trying to embody more. Savor more. Slow down more. Regulate more.
The fact that there are challenges IS what makes this experience SO interesting. Sometimes I fear getting everything I want because then it’s over. What’s there to do? Idk….
Gosh I have so many reflections to share… but we’ll keep it here for now.
Thanks for being here.
If you made it all the way down to these words.
You’re the real MVP.
You give me meaning beyond what I would have alone.
So as it turns out I live in a body.
It’s 5’2 and female which means that in the grand scheme of things I am as significant as a bacteria.
I am sitting in a coffee shop because I wanted to get out of my house and “try something different.”
Rather than go about business as usual working from home, I thought I’d take myself out and work from a coffee shop. Maybe it’d make my life more interesting. Maybe I’d bump into my soul mate. Or meet a fling. Or get actual work done. Only a little work was done, if you could call it work anyway.
I could share with you a thousand and one of my latest thoughts… but where do I start?
I suppose we’ll start with the usual repertoire: what should we make of this life? What actually matters?
After the recent fires in my California state, another turn of the year, another wrinkle on my foreheard, the deaths of loved ones and the hurried passage of time I feel this sense of pressure to carpe diem. What am I really waiting for? But what does carpe diem even mean? How do I want to carpe my diem?
I’m starting by buying my time back. I want nothing to do with borrowing money from banks — they can suck it. I want nothing to do with their sneaky little system that gets us allured into spending and entrapped by their interest and enslaved to their game. So that’s one.
Health is a top priority. Since this body is my first home. I don’t want to be uncomfortable in my home. I sometimes feel awkward and judge myself a lot. This has got to go. So I’ll have to practice. Practice being myself and caring less about what people are thinking. Why do random strangers matter anyway? Why am I so concerned with their judgement and thought?
I am an amalgam ~ I feel like a combination of all I’ve been exposed to: which is quite a fair amount. This makes it hard for me to know who I really am.
I want to see more of the world. So rather than pay a fortune to live in California I’m planning to take off and live for less elsewhere.
I am less attached to stuff because it all just comes and goes. You buy shoes, they get old. You get furniture and it scratches. And in the end you and die and take nothing with you. So I’m less attached to accumulating a bunch of stuff and more interested in accumulating more experiences.
The other day I was at a hot yoga class after a boring typical day. That yoga class was the most interesting and stimulating activity of my day. It made me feel a sense of aliveness. In that moment I had the thought “Experiences. This is what I’m after.”
I said I am not attached to stuff, but lately I have become more interested in antiques. When I am finally ready to settle my ass I would like to have great antiques in my home. Real wood. Spectacular carvings. A beautiful book shelf. A magnificent desk.
What else can I tell you? I feel for the world. For the struggles that befall us. I wish we were more awake and aware so less of our energy was allocated to shit that doesn’t actually matter. We need more critical thinkers, action takers and STRONG humans. OMG this is a big topic for me. I literally cannot stand this soft society we have brewing. IF I SEE ANOTHER SOFT, FEMININE MAN I AM GOING TO LOSE IT. I cannot DEAL with this sensitive culture. I am pretty much a Red Forman from that 70s show in a tiny female body and just want to put my foot in every soft man’s ass until they straighten out and toughen up, buttercup.
I cannot stand an overly soft mind. Don’t be weak. Don’t be so sensitive. BE TOUGH. Where are all the tough people for the love of God?
If I was a cop in San Diego, there would literally be no homeless people sleeping in a corner because I would NOT STAND IT or ALLOW IT. I am a Natzi when it comes to order and respect. When we are too loose with our morals and standards we just end up with a mess and a bunch of soft people who can’t handle a pinch of stress without falling apart. It’s annoying. Now I’m just venting.
I didn’t plan for this to be so long or for it to be about any of this. But here we are. Here we are.
Why?
Is it because I took too long?
Because I don’t really wear skirts?
Is it because I’m too nice? Too sweet?
Is it because I don’t move my hips like the other girls do?
Because I’m too small?
Not cool enough?
Too complicated?
Too simple?
Too…?
Is it because the sound of my voice is too young? Naive?
Are you being impatient?
Or did I do something wrong?
I don’t know.
But I release control.
I’ll trust.
I’ll trust the process.
I’ll trust that what is meant to be won’t miss me.
I’ll take my love and gift it to me.
For so long I’ve been placing it everywhere else. I never knew any better. I never knew how to be whole.
And perhaps this is the perfect time to do so.
And perhaps this is about true love.
Perhaps it’s about letting go.
Perhaps it’s about patience.
Perhaps it’s about trust.
I don’t know.
I do know that life is not a guarantee.
I’ve been seeing it more and more right before my eyes.
I feel shook yet still frozen and unable to move.
Because where to from here?
Where to from here?
What really matters in a world where it all just goes?
It all just goes…
So then what about it?
My heart wants to crack open to engulf my whole being with it’s own love, kindness and compassion only to reawaken again unafraid to move forward. Walking in full trust. Knowing that when I take a step in empty space a block will appear to uphold me. I need not worry. I need not fear. Because I know. I know. I know.
A part of me surrenders
A part of me is in the corner fighting and throwing a tantrum
“Why’d you get me so high to leave me solo?”
What even matters anyway?
What to do anyway?
Do I sell it all and travel? Go to Bali? Japan?
Get a car and just go — just go?
Do I stay put and build a foundation?
For what? For what? It all just goes. It all just goes….
So what really matters?
I guess maybe that moment with you.
But it’s all fleeting anyway.
Whatever.
I’m getting ready for a move which has me cleaning out closets, old papers, old boxes
Downsizing even further
Letting go of old clothes
Yet still holding on to old stuff I can’t seem to let go of (letters, journals, photos, a bunch of cables with different random plugs maybe someday I’ll need. You know, the type of stuff you keep in the junk box).
And then there is all this paper of stuff that used to matter but no longer matter
the stuff that once was soooo important but now it‘s going in the trash
and that’s the crazy thing about life
The important eventually becomes unimportant.
We stress so much over life but eventually none of it will matter
which isn’t to say become apathetic about it, but just notice where you’re overly stressing
Live with less self imposed pressure
enjoy life without overly stressing
find more grace in the journey
-breathe-
sigh
anyway…
I feel like I’m changing
in ways I can’t even yet understand
I’m excited and ready for the change
like I’m ready to be this damn butterfly I’ve been waiting to be
but at the same time it still feels like I have some ways to go
some learning to do
so let me take a page from my own book and learn to trust the process
Don’t you think reality is kinda sus?
Sus meaning SUSPICIOUS
But not suspicious in a bad way — but more like having REASON TO QUESTION – reason to WONDER — WTF is going on here?
Like tell me how I have these perfectly crafted hands, with these perfectly crafted veins that tell my blood where to go. Blood– this curious fluid flowing through my body like I’m a lava lamp…
My eyes… Have you ever taken a hot moment to really observe the intricacies of the eyeball — FINE work.
Now just observe everything else….
The ocean, a flower, a tree, the stars, the moon, the fucking wind, all the bugs of the Earth and their weird and wonderfully shaped bodies that scare the shit out of me….
Honestly, just everything — have you stopped to just LOOK at EVERYTHING
and then not think WTF is going on here?
How is it possible that there isn’t something INCREDIBLY special (or at the very minimum curious/worth wondering) about LIFE, EXISTENCE, REALITY!?
I have an incredibly complex, intelligent body – I’m a thinking being typing on a fucking laptop living on a “ROCK” floating in space
HOW IS THAT NOT FASCINATING TO THE POINT OF MAKING YOUR BRAIN EXPLODE?
(Metaphorically speaking of course… no brains harmed in the reading of these words — hehe)
But seriously,
WTF is going on?
What is this and what are we doing???
There is clearly something incredible going on here and certainly worth paying attention to
I think it’s harder to argue that this is all a bunch of senseless, meaningless nonsense than it is to argue that there is something worthy of investigation here… Something is up
SOMETHING IS UP
SOMETHING IS <<<
That’s HUGE
That’s insane
That’s just WOW
There didn’t NEED to be something but there IS!!!
(Well, assuming that there didn’t *need to be something is debatable — but there could just as easily never been anything — right? Why is it the case that there IS rather than ISN’T?)
Anyway…
There’s something else I wanted to say
but I kind of forgot what my original purpose of writing tonight was…
the original post was supposed to be titled “EVERYTHING”
because I wanted to ramble on about a bunch of other stuff —
But what was it??
I can’t remember
I’ll have to circle back to it later
Anyway — if you made it to this point — WOW, you’re the real MVP 🙂
You are the real special person who out of ALL the infinite fucking possibilities, made itself to this very moment. And wow…
That amazes me 🙂
Thank you
I love you
Let’s be kind to one another
Let’s make this a beautiful world
Sometimes I look at some of the stuff I’ve written here and I cringe. But at the same time, I don’t care. These are my thoughts…out loud…
I haven’t written here in a while. I haven’t been as inspired as I used to be.
I’ve been busy with so many projects. Trying to make it all happen.
There is so much I want to tell you but I don’t have the energy tonight to share it all.
This is probably going to end up being just a bunch of meaningless words…
I’m trying to figure it all out (as usual)…
I wonder if we ever “figure it all out” or if life is just an endless search.
I don’t even want to share this because of how pointless it is. But I really wanted to create something. Even if it’s just meaningless…
I am trying to trust.
*Keyword*, trying.
I’ve freaked out in the past. I’ve worried in the past. And literally everything worked out somehow.
I want to be at step 53949 but I’m at step like 89.
And when I tune in to my hard little head the gentle whisper of the universe just says, “breathe.” “Patience.”
And I’m like, “What!? What do you mean breathe?? Patience?? Don’t you see I need this figured out or else I am doomed?”
There are days where I am so confident about it all. Days where it feels like “Duh. Obviously it’ll work out.” And days where I am like, “Guess I’ll just end up old, broke, and alone.”
I’ve done a decent job at being fairly stupid. At having an opportunity to be more advanced in my career and finances than where I am now.
Then I rationalize that “Everything happens for a reason.” Or that “I am exactly where I am supposed to be.” Or “I’ve taken a detour so I can become who I was destined to be.”
Blah. Blah. Blah. All the bullshit I need to tell myself so that I don’t feel so horrible about my poor decisions.
Maybe I am too hard on myself. Or maybe I am not hard enough.
Honestly, sometimes I am just downright lazy.
And sometimes I don’t give myself enough credit.
Whatever.
I don’t want to make this another one of those posts where I just complain to you about everything.
When I stop with the tales of woe I can actually see the truth of how privileged and lucky I am.
I live in one of the most beautiful places in a privileged country. I have access to good, organic food and clean water. I have amazing, supportive friends. I have family who care for me. What the fuck do I have to complain about?
This post was supposed to be about timing, as you can see by the title above.
So let me touch upon that for a sec.
I exist. There is something rather than nothing. There is a force operating on the atoms within reality. This force is called time. Today, as we know it, is May 13th 2019. It’s 2:33 P.M in San Diego, California where I am currently existing. Out of all the possibilities in this possibly infinite universe I was made to exist here in this moment. And for what purpose? And to what end?
I don’t fucking know. To sit here and write this message, I guess. And maybe, possibly, to inspire the world.
*image credit to google images. Don’t sue me white dude for using your face, please.
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