I can be so naive at times it borderlines stupid.

It comes from this very innocent place.

I assume people are good. I can easily get lost in fantasy. I am a dreamer. I get excited easy.

But, then, enters reality. It is harsh, unforgiving — cold. Reality is riddled with facts; how things actually are vs how I imagine them beautifully, magically, wonderfully in my head.

The other day I was at yoga and I had this sad feeling come over me. It was the feeling of loss of innocence. I’ve carried so much hope in my heart for so long and I’m afraid life is hardening me. After the news of another dear friend passing away, I am again smacked in the face by ruthless realities. That same evening I had a dream about a puppy falling on rocks and I couldn’t save it, so it died. The dream felt like a reminder of this loss of innocence I’ve been feeling. Like the child-like wonder that’s lived in me for so long is slowly being chipped away by the blows of life. A tiny little part of me keeps on thinking, “even so, I must continue to believe. I mustn’t lose hope. I must not forget the magic.”

Sigh.


I had a woman pray for me at church this morning. In her prayer she mentioned how while in this in between phase, while we are still in our human form, waiting for the return of Christ who will wipe away the darkness and return us to the light, it can feel really difficult. I do hope there is light at the end of all of this. I suppose that’s why they call it faith, right?

Mmm. Perfect peace, unity and harmony with the divine.

I am afraid to hope though. Because I’ve been hoping but disappointments keep happening. Maybe it’s because we are here in this “3D”, human world? I don’t know. I’ll keep trusting, even in my doubt. This little part within, however tainted, is still going strong.

I was watching a Netflix show about Bryan Johnson, the millionaire trying not to die. Have you heard of him? I am very intrigued by his work. I am so happy SOMEONE is having this conversation.

If we were able to beat death — would you want to? What does it actually even mean to die anyway? When a person dies does their consciousness die too or does it live in the ether somewhere like a radio wave or energetic force?

So many questions…