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Nostalgia

It feels like I’ve time traveled and landed in a parallel universe.
I’m numb and in awe.

It’s you, but it’s not you.
Like I’m in a dream.

You’re picking me up in an 80’s Cadillac, no seat belt. Holding the door like a gentleman.
The speedometer trembling to keep up. A dream catcher hanging from your windshield mirror. The lights on the road, purple. It’s as if I’m in a film. I’m again reminded of the magic. The moments of whimsey my heart lives for. The words coming out of your mouth; strangely familiar. Like you traveled from another timeline, except it’s not really you. Just the semblance.

Today you put a watch on my wrist. Like he put a bracelet. It’s like I was re-living the past in a warped reality where time was outside of time. As if dimensions had been collapsed together and I’ve been brought back here with you, except it’s not you. We drove past a store with his name written on it. What? His name.But not him. You. This moment, this car…

“Am I dreaming?”

Some moments in life are so unpredictable. So magical. It reminds me what I live for.

One moment we’re exchanging glances. The next we’re kissing in your bedroom in the dark.

—

On the surface I’m ok, but underneath there is a volcano.

I’m afraid of closeness. Like once you know me it won’t be the same.
And vice versa. Once I know you, maybe it won’t be the same.

—

The roads here make me nostalgic. If there is one word that captures the timbre of my soul, that one is probably it.

Anyway, this weird abstract message is all I have for today. It’s all been so weird lately.

—

I think I want a husband.

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Wish

Oh, how I wish I could turn back time and make better choices.
How I wish I could transcend.

How I wish it could be me, you, peace, our home and the dogs on the land.

How I wish we could wake up slowly.
Where each dawn by your side feels like a perfect eternity I am grateful to open my eyes in each day;
cozy, warm, soft, safe, indulgent.

How I wish we could unravel gently.
No place to rush to except your embrace.

No bills to worry over,
No lack,
No fear.

Joy.
true, delicious, juicy joy.

Savoring the moment. Mmm.

Excited by the adventure and the unfolding of life like two kids on the night before Christmas.

Trusting that it’s all in alignment.

Trusting we can take beautiful, bold, ecstatic leaps knowing in full faith the nets will appear – always, without fail. Knowing that even in moments of challenge we get to make the best of the adventure.

Knowing that we have each other, peace, love, life, and the land.

Oh, how I wish it were so.

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Miss

Do you ever miss someone you don’t even know yet?
Like there is something or someone out there you are longing for?


From time to time I get this feeling.

As if the peak of my experience hasn’t arrived yet. So I live here craving this other moment in the future I know is waiting for me. Or more accurately said, delusionally believe is waiting for me.

I was walking to the farmers market today and this feeling of monotony came over me. It reminded me of the fact that you meet someone, you fall in love, it’s romantic for a bit but then the reality of life sets in. The normalcy. The walking down the street together to run the same old errands. The sitting on the couch. The noises he makes when he’s eating and the dirty clothes that are left on the floor. The romance fades. The butterflies. The fantasy.

Everything just becomes… normal.

Do you think sometimes we create drama out of boredom?

I mean once you’ve got the house, the partner, the garden, the car, the travel – then what?

I don’t know…

Sigh.

I miss you.

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Nostalgia

mmmmm

the depths of the depths of my soul craves the depths of the depths of experience

oh how I yearn for those beautiful, precious moments that slip through time and evaporate into the ether

how I wish I could hold them longer, how I wish I didn’t have to let go and could savor this gift forever

sigh…

I get sad sometimes over the passage of time
over the thought of death and letting go
and how this life is temporary and who knows where it all truly leads

It’s fucking nuts honestly

I’m sad over the aging of my mother
and how I wish I could give her the world

I’m sad over my own aging
I’m sad over the suffering that exists…

I wish I could do a million things at once

Go on a road trip on a warm summer day, look at the starts while smoking a joint on top of the hood of a jeep with someone who just gets me and the vibe is just right…. and also write a book, teach a course on personal finance that helps the average worker and laborers know what to do with their hard earned money so they aren’t stuck working so hard without seeing their money actually grow.

I wish I could travel to Thailand, Bali, Spain, Portugal, India, Italy, Greece, Turkey, London, Ireland, The Virgin Islands and swim naked in the ocean in some other beautiful island where the water is calm and just the perfect temperature – not hot, not cold ~ just right.

I wish I could reach more people and help them on their journey somehow, some way. To make friends from all the world and get a flower tattoo on my back to go with the humming bird waiting to kiss it.

I’m fucking sad bro

For all the reasons there exist for a human to be sad about…

A moment of silence please as we sit and acknowledge the dark side…the emptiness… the void…the stuff that we wish weren’t so.

……………………

I wish I could live a thousand lives
Walk the streets of New York City dressed in edgy but classy fashion while living in a beautiful Manhattan apartment filled with books, tapestries, and vintage decor.

Sigh…

At the same time I am grateful
Grateful for the experience of experience
Grateful for it all even though I have no idea what the f is going on

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Just Venting… Out Loud

You ever just play old songs you’d listen to back in your teenage years and get bombarded by memories of your upbringing?

I’m reliving the past in the present through music.

My heart grows heavy. 

I remember being little always wanting to get away. Grow up. Be on my own.

Well, here I am…

I do love my freedom.

But what have I done with it?

I am building more clarity as each day unfolds. 
My biggest issue is around my angst to already be where I want to be.
Things are not happening fast enough. Not happening in my timing. 

It feels like I am sitting in dead stop traffic, occasionally being able to move forward at about 5 miles per hour. 

*Breathes*

I know I just have to be patient. 

It’s a time of learning to wait.

[crosses arms and throws tantrum]

Yes. I’m going to complain about it.
But only for a little bit. 
To get it out. 
Because I need to acknowledge my feelings.
I need to say “I feel FRUSTRATED…. and it’s okay.”
 

I also know that my feelings aren’t necessarily accurate. I just sometimes grow extreme and get in my head becoming blinded by emotions that block my better reason.  It FEELS like I am getting nowhere, but in reality I’ve accomplished so much. I’ve come so far. This is what I need to acknowledge so that I don’t dig myself into a hole that FEELS otherwise. Just because something feels a certain way doesn’t mean it’s true.  Feelings come and go. 

Right now I need more: Patience. Trust. Faith.

Trust is another big lesson for me. 

*Breathes*

Letting go of control.

*Breathes*

Doing what I can do. Letting go of the rest.

I know it’ll get better. 
I just wish better was today.

*BREATHES*
*SIGHS*

Okay. I’ve complained. I’ve pouted. I threw my little tantrum.

Now I’m gonna roll up my sleeves and get back to it.

[turns old sappy music off] 

*image credit to me.me

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