Every now and again your name will pop up on my screen bringing me back to 2017.
Every now and again I’ll look up your name and see what you’re up to.
I’ll replay Kate Nash’s Nicest Thing on rare occasions when I come home warmed up by the night’s festivities and an extra shot of tequila.
And I’ll scroll through old memories…
I’ll dream up girlish fantasies of how one day I’ll be pleasantly surprised by awakening to the magical reality that we’d end up together.
And then the logical, adult, cynical part of me scoffs and laughs at the silly romantic in me.
And the silly romantic laughs at the cynic who doesn’t dare to dream.
I get shoved back into place by the strike of reality that says: MOVE THE FUCK ON. STOP GOING BACK THERE. STOP FANTASIZING AND RELIVING THE PAST. JUST STOP!
Then I’m over it. I get in my flow. I forget your existence.
And on a random Wednesday afternoon, there it is…
The devil’s name across my screen.

Some Reasons We Hold On

We hold on and on. Like glue we hold. So strong, so strong. This record, yet scratched, never gets old. 

We hold on because it’s comfortable. It’s familiar. I’s safe. We’ve known this for so long that letting go of it now is almost like cutting off an arm or something. It’s become so part of us  – so part of our identity.

We hold on because we love. We want to keep what we love for as long as physically possible.

We hold on because we have no motivation to seek any better. We settle for what we have because it’s good enough, easy enough, simple enough.

We hold on because we are scared. We fear that if we let go then we will never find a replacement.

We hold on because it feels good, even when it hurts. Like massaging a sore back after a long day of work.

We hold on because it interests us. It increases our status in some way. It rubs our ego.

We hold on because we want to show an image to the world. What’s more important than keeping up with the Kardashians? Duh.

We hold on because there’s a mutual benefit. Something to learn. Something that nourishes our souls.

We hold on because we want to be supported. We don’t want to feel alone.

We hold on because we feel like it. And feeling is always sufficient reason.

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