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Want Not to Want

I want to be a dream.
I want to morph.
I want to be light.
I want to make love to you,
and to seduce you.
Then walk away –
and run wildly back into your arms
because my absence never fazed you.

I want to be beautiful like the models on TV.
Not just this average beauty. This “We’re all beautiful in our own way” kind of beauty.
But truly stunning. You can’t get your eyes off stunning.

I want to be beautiful on the inside too – because that’ll make me even more beautiful.
Inside and out. Not just one or the other – both. Not just average but whatever comes right before perfect if perfect isn’t an option.

Then I want to be alone. Alone to love myself. Alone to be perfect – whatever that means to me because what it means to me is always enough when I don’t need you; when I don’t want you.

But then I want to see you. You who is almost perfect. And I want to love you. And then I want to leave you because your imperfection bothers me. Because I want to feel superior – and actually be superior. Not just in theory. Not some narcissism. In truth and in every way better and more perfect than you.

Then I want to cry and feel sorry for myself. Sorry and guilty for ever wanting to be better. And for actually being better.

Then I will humble myself. I will be imperfect. You will have all the right to shine, even brighter than I. You will have right to be anything you desire because you deserve a chance if the game is to be fair and foolproof. This will be the way to prove that I am not necessary. To prove that I am creation and that perfection is irrespective of me even though it is me — it is you. This is the way it’s been all along.

Everything will be fair. Balanced. And it’ll be utterly boring to the wise. Utterly predictable. All it will mean is that everything is possible. And what’s the fun in that? You will know all the answers and pretend not to know. And for what end? Just to live out stories. Stories after stories. And so it will be. I’ll live my story. You live yours. We live ours. And so on ad infinitum.

Then I want to find – I don’t even know what I’d like to find after all that.
It’s never enough because the story never ends. The end is the continuous search because there’s always more. There are no limits. There’s always more. There’s always more. There’s always more.

What satisfies me is to forget. Forget all of it. Forget the stories. Forget you. Forget me. Forget life. Forget all realms.
The black screen forever. Pure nothing. Finally I can rest. This is my favorite place to be. At rest. Not in some point in time telling stories after stories. Not living story after story. But Here. Beyond the Silence. In the Eternal. In the nothing. As nothing. For nothing. Through nothing.

Because only when I am nothing I do not want. Only when I am nothing I am truly perfect.

In being nothing there is nothing I could ever fall short of. There is nothing to miss- nothing to lack – nothing to need – nothing to want.
To not exist is better than to exist.
Because in non-existence there is no such thing as better. Nothing wrong. Nothing right. Literally nothing.

Nothing.

Mmmm. Perfect.

But I cannot convince you of this. It would just be another story. My position versus your position and vice versa as it always is in this dimension of reality. You must come to know it yourself – through yourself, for yourself.

Meet me in the nothing. I’ll be waiting for you. Let’s be together as none again.

And when we are done, if ever, we can always come out and play again. After all, even though I hate your never ending stories, I love you enough to listen.

“See” you there.

 

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One Step

Don’t look at the size of the mountain, look only at the first step.

I’ve been feeling so much more at ease compared to my usual frantic-get everything done-do everything now self. I am taking small, consistent steps towards my goals rather than staying stuck while freaking out about how far I still am. I realize that some changes are slower than others. I realize that patience is easiest to achieve when I look at how much I’ve already accomplished and focus on what small action I can take today rather than worry about how much I still need to do.

It’s so refreshing to just focus on today. One moment at a time. One action at a time. Life is so much easier when you release control; when you release trying to work out ALL the details and just allow the day to freely unfold as it gracefully guides you.

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Patience

Every time the universe gently whispers the word “patience” to me, like a frantic child I hold my fingers tightly to my ears and violently yell, “NO! I want it NOW!”

ME:

I ask questions like, “When? When will I finally be where I wanna be? Have what I wanna have? Do what I wanna do?”
“Nonsense!” Says the universe in a playful, loving manner.
“Whoever told you that life is comprised of one single instant where you finally reach some end? That’s not life. There will always be something to get, do and be, since at every moment at the same time you are becoming you are undoing. The moment you are born you are dying; evermore unraveling. You are a process of being, becoming, breaking down, reconstructing, transforming. Relax. Be here now. Enjoy here as you go from instant to instant. Carry the enoughness from the present moment into the next moment and you will unravel gracefully without feeling like NOW isn’t enough as it is. Even if you get everything you want in one moment, the next moment there will be something new to experience. You make your bed and marvel at the neatness. Soon, you undo it to sleep, and repeat the next day. You wipe an army of dust from your work desk. Soon, the dust is right back and you must wipe it again. There’s no end to the process. There is no permanent state of perfection, except in stillness, because life equals movement, and movement equals chaos if not for intelligence. Chaos relies on intelligence to organize and maintain it. You are part of that intelligence. If things become too hectic, your consciousness can flow in and out of stillness as you please. This, in part, is why you sleep. Take it easy on yourself. Breath! Aaaahhhhh – you smell that? That’s life, baby! Enjoy it. Be it. Stop freaking out and going all cray cray trying to be more, have more, do more all at once. Do what you can for right now. Be what you are for right now. Have what you have for right now. Together, we’ll deal with what’s next as it comes. Everything will work out – I promise. Trust, act as necessary, and have PATIENCE!”
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Be The Driver of Your Mind

The mind is like a vehicle that you use to navigate through life. You command left, left it goes. Right, right it goes. There are times, however, where your mind is the one navigating you rather than the other way around. You become lost in the stories in your head. You remember the past, rehearse for the future and on, and on the rambling continues to the point of overwhelm. Some of us are so lost in our minds and so controlled by its power that we can’t even fall asleep. The mind is riding us.

The mind is a powerful tool with tremendous potential. Use your mind for your service and wellbeing. Don’t let your mind take you away from the present moment as it replays old memories, blames you, guilts you, judges you, abuses you.  Don’t let your mind tell you negative, limiting stories that say you are not enough, not capable, and that you will not achieve your goals. When you catch yourself falling victim to the mind, interrupt it saying, “Hey, I am the boss here, not these limiting thoughts. I choose to love and believe in myself at all times. I am enough. I am present.” Command your mind! You are the driver and the mind is the vehicle – not the other way around. Drive your mind through roads that are conducive to your highest potential. If you see the mind getting out of control, like a car that begins to veer from its lane, guide it back to the present and loving path. Be the driver of your mind!

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Declarations For Letting Go

I am letting go.
I am releasing what does not serve me.
I release painful memories.
I let go of thoughts that hold me back.
I am free from all past hurt.
I release people from my past who hurt me.
I let go of blame.
I let go of guilt.
I am floating in freedom.
I am bathing in freedom.
I relinquish all my burdens.
I am as light as a feather.
I am healed.
I am swimming in bright blue clear waters.
I am rising with joy in my heart.
I am bursting with bright and loving energy.
I am new.
I forgive myself completely.
I am totally forgiven.
I let go of blaming others and forgive them for my sake.
I am as fresh and pure as the day I was born.
I am living from a new paradigm.
I am living from a new world.
I am living from new set of eyes.
The past no longer has power over me.
I am in complete control of my emotions.
I choose peace.
I choose freedom.
I am whole and in peace.
I am completely free.
I am flying above all my circumstances.
I am abundant and well.
I am new in every moment.
I am alive and I breath in fresh rejuvenating air.
My lungs are filled with the refreshing oxygen and as I breathe out all that does not serve me is released.
I let go.
I let go.
I am free.
I am free.

You are free.
You are free.
From this moment forward, you are free.

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Gratitude

After standing on my feet for several hours, I began to notice how wonderful my feet really are. I began to notice how gracefully they support me all day no matter where I go.

I started to thank life for my feet. I began to see how I take so many things for granted. There are times where I focus so much on what I am lacking in my life and forget all the blessings that I already have.

Having a sense of gratitude is so important to our wellbeing. Thankfulness allows us to see the good that we already have and refocuses our attention on the beauty that is currently present. There is nothing wrong with wanting more from life, but it is crucial that we remember what we already have.

I started a gratitude journal. I recommend it. Even if you don’t write in it every day, take some time throughout the week to focus on what you are grateful for in your life. It could be the smallest of things, like the wind blowing in your hair. It could be the sunrise. It could be your coffee or tea. Anything that brings you joy; anything that serves you. You can even be bold enough to be thankful for the challenges that have strengthened you and opened your eyes to new knowing. Whatever it is for you, give thanks. There is always, always, always, something to be grateful for.

I am thankful in this moment.
Thank you, feet for supporting me and taking me from place to place.
Thank you, brain for being the source of my functions.
Thank you, hands for making this post possible.
Thank you, lungs for allowing me to breathe this air.
Thank you, bed for allowing me a comfortable place to rest.
Thank you, weather for being so pleasant today.
Thank you.

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A Prayer For The Suffering

A Prayer for the Suffering

God. Life. Universe. Energy. Higher power. Source. Whatever, if anything, is out there help those who suffer. All who suffer, may their pain be removed. May peace reign on Earth. May health abound. May food abound. May joy abound. May peace abound. May hearts be whole and minds tranquil. Awaken our hearts and mind. Liven our spirits. May humanity prosper in love. Love come over us and wash away the pain.
Love come over us and wash away the hurt.
Shine light on our consciousness.
Bring peace to our homes.
Love we welcome you.
Love may you reign.
Help us. Help us.
Let love reign.

In love, may it be so. Amen. Amen.

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Dance With Your Life

“Everything – the good and bad, pleasure and pain, approval and disapproval, achievements and mistakes, fame and shame – all come and go. Everything has a beginning and an ending and that’s the way it’s supposed to be.” – Richard Carlson

Life can be so unpredictable. One moment you are sitting there smiling, sipping some coffee – the next you’re in tears because of unexpected events beyond your control.

We cannot control what happens outside of us. A plate breaks, someone yells at you in traffic, a woman cuts you in line at the grocery store, your company downsizes and you are cut from the team, the kids are in trouble at school, there is a sickness in the family, the list is endless. Nevertheless, you can control how you react to your external circumstances.

When you live your life from the inside out, you finally come to a place where you always have control. You always have a choice when it comes to your internal feelings about the chaos going on all around you. Life will hand you curve balls. Inevitably, something will eventually go wrong, and it is at this moment where you can breathe and tell yourself “I am in control of how I respond and of how feel about this situation.” You can think to yourself, “Will I react by feeling defeated, angry, and upset? Or will I let go, breathe and invite peace into my heart as I take deliberate, intuitive steps to bring myself out of this situation?” You always have the power to choose the latter. You do not have to choose to feel bad when the car breaks down or when you lose your job or whatever other difficulty. It may not be easy at first to realize that you have the power within you to switch from painful reactions to peaceful ones. But with practice and awareness you will come to see that you do have a choice as to what you harbor in your internal space and how you will react to your external world.

Life will always hand us troubles and because of this it is important to become a peaceful warrior. Challenges are opportunities for our growth. We learn from our mistakes and from our difficult circumstances. We learn to let go and realize that when one door closes it also opens new doors of opportunities. One day, we will all eventually let go of everything – this is called death – the total letting go of all. So why not practice now? Let go of painful reactions and embrace peaceful responses that allow you to dance with the unexpected maneuvers of life rather than battle with them only to bring yourself more pain. Dance with your life!

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Becoming The Change

Be the change you wish to see in the world” – Gandhi

I sometimes get caught up in trying to change the world and forget that the change needs to happen in me. Sometimes I worry too much thinking I must teach kindness and teach love and teach peace, all the while forgetting that I must first BE kind, BE loving and BE at peace (or whatever else I wish to see) and then the rest will follow.

The Bible has a nice quote that says: “To the pure, all things are pure, but to those who are corrupted and do not believe, nothing is pure.” (Titus 1:15). You can interpret this is many ways. The way I like to interpret it is: If my intentions are pure and if my perceptions and actions stem from a place of innocence, then all that I see/perceive/intake/experience/observe/feel/etc, will consequently be pure because the lens through which I observe and engage with the world is not a lens of malice but a lens of innocence. I must be like a child – despite having developed the physical form of an adult and having undergone numerous life experiences, I must continue carrying an innocent heart, becoming a living testament of purity despite my moments of flaws. As long as I am human I am subject to failure — and that’s ok because infallibility is not a property of humanity. It is not my perfect acts that will make me pure at heart (because I can do everything right in action yet in my heart I may hide my intention of doing right for mere approval or for the desire of praise or for whatever other motive) — a pure heart is pure because in it abides no malicious intentions — but should such intentions creep in (and believe me, they do all the time), our good and faithful friend, the mind, can help the heart be guided back to its pure, innocent state.

It’s only natural for the heart to be presented with what exists – all the possibilities for good and all the possibilities for bad. It is then up to me, a conscious and aware being, to ultimately decide what I will harbor within me.

AS OF THIS MOMENT, I AM NO SO CALLED “SAINT” LIVING IN SO CALLED “HEAVEN.” I AM A SO CALLED “HUMAN” LIVING ON SO CALLED “EARTH.” 

Sometimes I can be judgmental as hell.
I say or think things like:
“People are rude and need to change.”
“Some people are so disrespectful, boy, I tell ya! I just want to smack some sense into them!”
“Look at these freaking hypocrites, man, no morals.”
“Ugh, I can’t stand these damn politicians, so crooked.”

I even judge myself at times.
“I am so irresponsible! I am constantly late to work.”
“I can never do anything right.”
“I am so out of shape. I have to be more disciplined.”
“I am so dumb. I will never get anywhere in this life.”

All these thoughts, all these mean, condemning words I have allowed to abide in me have become basis for my perception. I have allowed my mind to be receptive to and my heart to feel that these negative words and thoughts I profess are real and true. I have allowed my inner space to be infiltrated by negative conclusions. (I am using the word “negative” here for lack of a better word… I can’t think of a more appropriate word right now to refer to the “yuckiness” I have allowed to abide in the space of my being).

I must be the change. If the change does not happen within me, even if everyone else in the world has already changed, I will not see it or realize it because the filter of my perception is set to the channel of malice and not the channel of innocence. The moment that I change my perception, inevitably my world will change. But it can’t be a half-assed change – it has to be fully real.
I can fool my spectators and become like an actor in the theater who plays the role of a hero, but I cannot deceive myself in thinking I am truly the hero I know I am pretending to be.
I must truly embody that which I wish be.

If I want peace – I must be in tune with peace.
If I want patience – I must be in tune with patience.
If I want kindness – I must be in tune with kindness.
If I want understanding – I must be in tune with understanding.
If I want innocence, I must be in tune with innocence.

How could I experience peace if I am in tune with war?
How could I experience understanding if I am in tune with ignorance?

I must channel my experience.

I must be that which I wish to see.

Once I am that which I wish to see, it will not matter if someone says to me: “Psst. Hey. Look. See that rude, greedy, lustful, prideful, cheating, lying, phony, unworthy person? Look how terrible he or she is!”  Because the moment I am what I wish to see, when I look out at the world I will not see rude, greedy, lustful, prideful, cheating, lying, phony, unworthy, terrible people. Instead, I will see kindness, sharing, sincerity, humility, honesty, truth, reality, worthiness, wonderful, people. Additionally, I will see love. I will see friendship. I will see compassion. I will see forgiveness. I will see understanding. I will see beauty. I will see life. I will see perfection.
I could then respond saying. “Hm. I hear what you are saying. I do not deny the existence of your claims but I do not see it as you see it because in the space of my being I have made the conscious choice to abide in perception of the good, the beautiful, and the blameless, because that is how I wish my world be.”

I am not denying the existence of the bad, the ugly and the guilty.
Let what IS – BE.

I accept all that IS, and as a conscious, aware being, I choose to embrace, be, perceive and act through that which is good.  May in goodness I abide and be.
_____________________________________________________________

BUT TO RAP UP THIS DISCUSSION FOR NOW….

I am not saying “Let’s be passive about everything and ignore and PRETEND there ISN’T any bad out there.” What I am saying is: If you are conscious and aware, choose the good and cast away the bad. If harboring condemning ideas in your mind such as “people are rude” make you see the world as a bad place, consciously make the effort to harbor loving-kind ideas such as “if there is such a thing as rude people, let ME BE KIND, that there be one less rude person in the world.”

I will embrace and cultivate tools such as patience, perseverance, kindness, forgiveness, understanding or any other helpful tool that will enable me to be the change. Will I succeed 100% of the time? Hmm…Given my human circumstances probably not. So if and when I do not succeed, I must be 100% merciful with myself during my moments of shortcomings, acknowledging that I have limitations but not allowing my limitations to stop me from persevering.

There’s a line in the 1997 Disney movie, Flash, where a boy fights to be able to keep and care for a horse he falls in love with and when told “you’ll never make it” the boy responds saying, “Then I won’t make it. But it won’t be because I gave up.”

I may never be perfect, “but it won’t be because I gave up.” I must undoubtedly believe in myself as well as believe in my dreams, utilizing my belief as fuel for transforming my dream into reality by actually living that which I wish would be.

I cannot completely change my world through force or through demand. There’s billions of us out there and it’d be humanly impossible (or perhaps tremendously unlikely and would require an unfathomable amount of effort) for me to externally transform the world to fit the very real and possible utopia that for now exists only as an imagination in me.

I cannot make or demand a person be kind.
I cannot make or demand a person be respectful.
I cannot make or demand a person be loving.
I cannot make or demand a person be in peace.
I cannot make or demand a person be good.

I can only make these things be true for myself and in making it true for myself I can hopefully inspire you to do the same for yourself.

If together, we call forth the good, I promise, our world will be good because all the conscious and aware beings abiding in it have willingly chosen to make it so.

To end this post…

To end this post, I just have to say this about all of the above I just said:

1. All this is just a bunch of words, and words are only symbols. So don’t take everything I said here TOO literal.

2. In the end all that matters is that: YOU ARE THAT WHICH YOU ARE, and not I, not anyone, or anything, could ever define you because only your very essence defines you, and your essence does not depend, and does not require any words.

❤

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