It’s the tail end of summer. The evening felt warm last night but the world felt cold.
I was walking the anxiety away. The pressure on my chest from the passage of time and the news of my mother’s illness weighed on me like a boulder.
So I whipped out what I always do in times likes these…
Pema Chödrön. One of my favorite Buddhist teachers.
I put on my headphones and listened to her calm, soothing voice remind me of impermanence. Remind me to just sit with the discomfort. “Humans don’t just feel good” she said. “Breathe into the discontent.”
I started to again reflect on attachment. How I must accept that nothing is forever. Life is not forever. I can’t hang on too tightly. Not to my youth, not my belongings, not my titles, not the people I love. I must learn to be with what is while it is and to let it go when it is time to let go.
ROAR!
I get it…I hear it. I know it. But it doesn’t make it any easier.
So let me sit with all of it. The part of me that knows better and the part of me that wants to squirm, complain, and throw a little tantrum.
—
On other news…
Lately everything reminds me of you.
There’s a canyon sized hollow without you here.
Sigh.
I am longing to soften.
To rest deeply in my body in powerful surrender. To fill my lungs with sweet, juicy air in full trust that it is all working in divine order. We are not late, we are not early, we are exactly where we should be.
Can I trust?
Can I really, really trust this time?
I am wanting to take the wild leap.
I am starting to think we live in a simulation. Or something sort of similar to it. Life’s too weird, too magnificent, too damn trippy not to lift a brow in suspicion that perhaps something’s up.
Too many strange coincidences leave my radar on alert.
I think I am ready.
I don’t know for what. But I am ready!
The dream feels so much better than the reality.
And as a dreamer, I just want to live in the fantasy.
I want to live in the Ether.
I want to be in the lightwave.
This morning I was walking the neighborhood towards the beach,
The temperature felt perfect.
The air felt sweet and filled deeply in my lungs.
I felt a juicy sense of peace.
“This.” I thought. This is how we are meant to be feeling.
Not rushing around trying to make ends meet.
Not feeling like we are worried about resources,
afraid we won’t have money.
We are meant to be LIVING.
We are meant to be provided for because the Earth already provides all we need.
The Earth grows our food freely.
The Earth grows the resources we need for our homes.
The Earth gave us the animals,
it gave us EACH OTHER.
We should be caring for each other.
Working as a way to contribute to our well-being and good.
WTF is all this extra non-sense?
I’m not having it.
We can be so dulled down by the way society has beaten us into a reality we may not be that excited to wake up to.
We are doing it.
We should live with deep sighs of relief. With peace in our hearts. With health pulsating through our bodies. Yet we are tense, afraid, rushing, stressed. WTF is that about?
We should have time for each other. Time for our babies. Time for simply living. Our energy is so poorly allocated. We are working to raise money to pay rent which is a never ending cycle when the Earth has already provided the materials but capitalism won’t stop running you down. It infuriates me.
I know something is off here. And I am going to do something about it. Even if it’s just write you this message. “Alone we can do so little, together we can do so much.”
Guys, we can’t keep dancing around this subject by keeping it off the table and then getting all surprised when it starts happening to the people you know and then…. you and me.
What more important for us to be talking about than this?
My understanding is that when the body malfunctions and can no longer host the consciousness then you die. Where does the life force go? Where does the consciousness go? Can the consciousness be preserved?
It seems that our consciousness is “the sum of your learned experiences”. My name is “Laura” because that’s what I was named, but that’s not who I am. I’m nameless in reality. Names are sounds we create with our vocal cords to help us identify objects in space. It’s arbitrary. There’s nothing APPLE about an apple. That’s just a sound we agree to make to point to that thing we have identified in space. Anyway, I digress. And that’s not the point I am trying to make.
The point is…who you are is a memory bank of learned experiences. You are a particular set of memories living within a body. When your body fails it turns off your consciousness. I suppose that means the “hard drive” that holds your consciousness is then lost because the system that powers you fails. SO.. I am wondering…. can we figure out how to transfer this into a new body? A new host?
My mom is aging. Time is passing.
Each day that passes I am aware that it is getting closer to my last.
Each day that passes is like there is this clock that is unwinding and our death bed is being made. How could we not be talking about this??
I feel there are implications on this idea of preserving consciousness. It could be used in a bad way. I’m actually afraid of technology and how fast we are growing with AI and Tesla robots and whatnot. I just hope we mature also. I hope we become more loving. I hope we become kinder. I hope we don’t create chaos or suffering for each other. Sigh. I don’t know.
I keep hoping for a good God.
I keep hoping for magic over reality smacking me in my face.
I dunno.
I’m lost and venting.
But I hope we can find love and I hope we can find a way to find comfort in this impermanence. I hope we can figure something out and I hope that it is GOOD.
Why reality gotta come and smack me in my face?
I’ve been here, dreaming
Thinking about the magic
Waiting for when the big “surprise” happens. The moment the angels come out from behind the curtains with our loving, hilarious, beautiful God who greets us with all the abundance, love, joy, connection and “joke’s on you” realization. We all melt into peace. We all melt into ecstasy. Into perfect embrace.
But then in busts Reality- cynical, unshaven, holding a ciggarette: “It’s bullshit. It’s all bullshit, kid. There ain’t no magic and it don’t mean shit.”
—
The other day I was sitting at a table having lunch with some people. A woman shared about the children she teaches who believe in Santa Claus. It made me think of all the stuff we’re told when we are little — when we don’t know any better. We watched the Disney movies. We were told about love. We were told about a prince and talking animals.
Then we grow older. We’re told about jobs, money, and “no”. We’re told to sit up straight. Pay attention. Be proper. Chew with your mouth closed.
Then we’re told it’s all a lie – there is no Santa, no tooth fairy, no prince. Reality. It smacks you in the face and blows a cloud of cancer stick smoke into your eyes.
I’m kinda pissed. What am I to believe in at this point?
Yet despite the fact of the matter I cannot help but wonder… is there still magic?
If you figure out how it all works does it stop being magic?
If you can create it and re-create it does it stop being mysterious?
But what even is IT?
I know we give names to what is observable. We’ve learned to identify what we see and feel. We’ve learned how it operates. We’ve learned to manipulate what is so it yields predictable results. But have we actually understood IT itself?
What IS IT?
Idk. I don’t want to get too philosophical today. I think I just wanted to complain just a little.
What would ever be enough?
What would need to come to be in order for us to just be okay? What’s all this doing about anyway? What are we trying to get at?
SIGH.
I gotta believe. I choose to keep having faith.
Will I ever be the woman I thought I’d be?
Sometimes I can see her. She’s healthy, light, her skin is glowing. You can tell she’s well. You can tell she’s content. She’s confident. She knows what she’s doing. She trusts. She’s kind. She’ll invite you over for charcuterie and wine. Her home has the most beautiful wooden table made from a thick wood to remind her of the forest. There will be little mementos from all the worldly adventures she’s had displayed on the walls, the shelves, the tv stand. Her bookshelves will be filled with the names and books of those who’ve inspired her most. She’ll want to show you her garden. She’ll want to ask you what you’re most excited to create. She’ll ask you what have you found to be the meaning of life. What do you think we’re all doing here and why?
This week I went to see the Horseshoe Bend in Arizona. It’s been on my bucket list. The first thought I had when I saw it is “There’s no way we’re not in a virtual reality.”
Lately I’ve been questioning the nature of reality more often.
I’ve also been thinking of the passage of time. How I truly won’t be here forever. Am I really living? What actually matters?
And will I ever be everything I ever thought I’d be?
Don’t you think reality is kinda sus?
Sus meaning SUSPICIOUS
But not suspicious in a bad way — but more like having REASON TO QUESTION – reason to WONDER — WTF is going on here?
Like tell me how I have these perfectly crafted hands, with these perfectly crafted veins that tell my blood where to go. Blood– this curious fluid flowing through my body like I’m a lava lamp…
My eyes… Have you ever taken a hot moment to really observe the intricacies of the eyeball — FINE work.
Now just observe everything else….
The ocean, a flower, a tree, the stars, the moon, the fucking wind, all the bugs of the Earth and their weird and wonderfully shaped bodies that scare the shit out of me….
Honestly, just everything — have you stopped to just LOOK at EVERYTHING
and then not think WTF is going on here?
How is it possible that there isn’t something INCREDIBLY special (or at the very minimum curious/worth wondering) about LIFE, EXISTENCE, REALITY!?
I have an incredibly complex, intelligent body – I’m a thinking being typing on a fucking laptop living on a “ROCK” floating in space
HOW IS THAT NOT FASCINATING TO THE POINT OF MAKING YOUR BRAIN EXPLODE?
(Metaphorically speaking of course… no brains harmed in the reading of these words — hehe)
But seriously,
WTF is going on?
What is this and what are we doing???
There is clearly something incredible going on here and certainly worth paying attention to
I think it’s harder to argue that this is all a bunch of senseless, meaningless nonsense than it is to argue that there is something worthy of investigation here… Something is up
SOMETHING IS UP
SOMETHING IS <<<
That’s HUGE
That’s insane
That’s just WOW
There didn’t NEED to be something but there IS!!!
(Well, assuming that there didn’t *need to be something is debatable — but there could just as easily never been anything — right? Why is it the case that there IS rather than ISN’T?)
Anyway…
There’s something else I wanted to say
but I kind of forgot what my original purpose of writing tonight was…
the original post was supposed to be titled “EVERYTHING”
because I wanted to ramble on about a bunch of other stuff —
But what was it??
I can’t remember
I’ll have to circle back to it later
Anyway — if you made it to this point — WOW, you’re the real MVP 🙂
You are the real special person who out of ALL the infinite fucking possibilities, made itself to this very moment. And wow…
That amazes me 🙂
Thank you
I love you
Let’s be kind to one another
Let’s make this a beautiful world
Suddenly it dawned on me… we’re all just human
made of the same stuff…
the people I look up to — the celebrities, the speakers, the doctors, the scientists, the artists; the ones with the skills, talents, wisdom, businesses, houses, fancy charcuterie boards and stuff — they are just human
like me…
That realization both scares me and astonishes me
Do any of us actually know wtf is going on here?
Who do you look at for real answers when we are all just as clueless as the other?
We have theories, ideas, and beliefs about what is happening
but who really KNOWS?
*sigh*
If it’s up to us and only us then we’ve got some serious shit to look at
are we consuming too quickly and are we living sustainably?
what systems are ineffective and what needs to be improved — EVERYWHERE, for EVERYONE
if there is no God or higher intelligence who is going to come to save/help us or intervene when necessary and we just so happen to be an evolutionary process that developed by chance then what does that mean!?
If it’s up to us then who is taking accountability to help?
if it’s up to us and only us then if we don’t collectively get our shit together we could fuck our selves
do you want to be fucked by your own poor choices?
I don’t
So what conversations do we need to be having to sustain ourselves and create a pleasant reality for living beings to enjoy?
This is just a reflection, not a sign to panic
but also a good thing for us to think about
The world is so big.
And there is so much to it.
So much to learn.
The level of information is so enormous that it leaves me paralyzed in indecision.
Hi.
it’s been so long since I have written here.
There is so much to say I don’t even know where to begin.
I hate when I just tell you “there’s so much to say” and then I don’t even say anything that’s truly revealing…
Thank you.
Thank you for always being here.
Through the ups and the downs and the silence.
I want to share more with you again.
To tell you everything that has been on my mind.
I will. Very soon!
What is this experience? This human experience. This body. This stuff. This reality??
Am I just here and then I’m gone??
If I will be truly gone and this is truly all there is — what will I make of it?
not some boring ass shit that’s for sure.
But I’m still trying to figure it all out… (as usual, as always…)
Will I ever really know? Or at least have a confident belief? Right now — all I know is that I don’t actually know the real answer.
I have some answers, like if I drop something it’ll fall and if I put water over the stove it’ll boil after some time… you know, basic shit… but true fundamentals — I still am clinging to what Descarte said, “I am, I exist,” << that I know for sure… but anything further in a fundamental way I am still in process of discovery
damn.
Everything that is is embedded with a code which represents its existence.
Everything that is is embedded with fact.
There is a Truth that is beyond argument. This truth is THE TRUTH. Meaning, the fact of that which is.
If something is then it holds an inherent truth.
Just because we don’t know the truth does not mean it’s not there. It’s like uncharted land.
There is an ultimate Fact. While I may not know what this Fact is given my limited intellect, what I do know is that there is an Answer, because the answer is inseparable from existence in itself. The Answer is encoded in reality. But I do not have the mental capacity to compute it. Perhaps, however, there is another way.
But I have arguments against this “other way,” because it’s through experience. But experience alone, I believe, is not sufficient proof. As experience is subjective.
But perhaps if I knew, and you knew too, and we all could know simultaneously through experience – ultimate computation, meaning we’d factor ourselves into the equation because only by inclusion could we really know the size of how grand it all is, could we then arrive at a conclusion.
Hm.
Something to think about.
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