How long will I keep this up? Pretending I am normal and okay when I’m really not. It takes massive amounts of energy to be normal. To put on an act. All I want to do is relax into who I really am. To not pretend. To not be that nice. The truth is, I’m not easily impressed but I want people to be happy. I want people to see their own light. It’s hard for me to not be pleasing. Like today, when my Lyft driver was talking up a storm yet all I wanted was for him to drive faster and focus on the road, not show me content on his phone. But I didn’t say anything. I just… kept entertaining the convo.
I’m tired of trying to please everyone. Of being agreeable and trying to keep the peace.
Anyway, today was a magical day. But it was hard to fully enjoy it because I am holding all this tension — plus I was wearing the wrong shoes for the occasion. I want to release the pressure I put on myself. I want to reduce the fucks I give. It can be very hard, especially being an empath.
Anyway, I’m blabbering on like usual. I don’t want this to be so long ;).
I think I’m in love… again lol
ai ai ai
His eyes are dreamy and blue
His soul, a whole universe.
I think I have commitment issues. It’s hard to imagine myself with just one person for more than a few years. A lifetime is a long time to stay with someone. Maybe I just haven’t found the person to whom I’d want to keep committing to. So perhaps the issue isn’t the commitment itself? I don’t know. Do you ever feel that way?
Maybe we’ll get rich and have a baby.
Maybe I’ll get rich and always be a wanderer. A loner. A woman without kiddos.
Maybe.
Maybe.
Lately I don’t hold on to any certainties. I realize life is too unpredictable for that.
I need to find more clarity. Where does one go for that?
______
I want to know who you really are.
I don’t want to pretend.
I just wish to be free.
There is so much I want to tell you it would take me 7,000 years and a day to put it all into words.
So I’ll kind of vomit it all here and see where that takes us. In the wise words of Post Malone, “Ooh, I fall apart. Down to my core” because literally that is how it has felt. Like the deepest part of my soul I didn’t even know I had has been touched in such a profound way I didn’t know was possible. But I only got a taste of it. A taste of pure love.
Speaking of falling apart — this is exactly what I am feeling.
Things have to fall apart in order for the new to come into place. It’s like a demolition.
If you’re falling apart, don’t worry. This is all going to make you grow.
Growing pains. It’s a thing.
Ugh this is one of those where I have a bajillion things to say but can’t really get it out.
My heart is closed.
It is but it isn’t.
It’s just re-directed.
I think I’m becoming a woman. LOL.
I’ve always felt like a girl. And I don’t know how to not be this tiny little girl I’ve always been.
Who the heck do I think I am becoming this woman who thinks she knows something? Lol…
Being human is funny.
I literally feel everything, it’s so much it’s annoying. Do I need a mood stabilizer? Perhaps.
I am this ball of sensations. From bliss, to awe, to sadness, grief, anger, fear, excitement, desire, back to sadness, annoyance, frustrations, all else in between.
Ok. I don’t want to trouble you with my woes and melancholies.
I’m not getting into the specifics.
Here’s what I am learning:
To hold nuance. To accept what is while also taking action on what I can. To regulate my nervous system. To remain grounded. To make space for pleasure and fun not just work and “trying to figure it out”. To not seek the outside to make me feel okay on the inside. To not let the outside make me not okay on the inside. To be okay on the inside as a state of being not a result of what I have or do.
Of course all I want to do is melt into the ether and fall in love with you and forget space and time. Of course all I want to do is be everything and nothing at all. Which makes no sense. I realize nothing actually makes sense.
I went to Improv yesterday. It was fun. And suddenly it dawned on me that life is just ABSURD. It makes no sense. That perhaps there is no embedded purpose, it just IS for no other reason other than it just is. Life IS. That’s it. Why? Because it IS.
ABSURD!!!!
My mind is blown. IT IS BLOWN, Felicia! BLOWN!
—
Lately I have also been taking deeeeeeeep breaths. I am trying to embody more. Savor more. Slow down more. Regulate more.
The fact that there are challenges IS what makes this experience SO interesting. Sometimes I fear getting everything I want because then it’s over. What’s there to do? Idk….
Gosh I have so many reflections to share… but we’ll keep it here for now.
Thanks for being here.
If you made it all the way down to these words.
You’re the real MVP.
You give me meaning beyond what I would have alone.
There’s probably 7,000 different topics I could write about tonight. I’ll start with talking about the stars. They looked especially beautiful tonight. The air felt crisp. The moon is getting chubbier.
I just want to melt into the ether in full surrender of this grand mystery. Just TAKE ME AWAY in a cosmic swoop into eternal bliss.
For a moment I wondered if you could see the moon too. And that maybe we, for a moment, could still be connected again.
There are some moments where I am so filled with ecstasy it’s like I’m an ocean — no, a galaxy!
And then there are moments when getting out of bed feels like an impossible task. I don’t want to be bothered with existence. I don’t want to be bothered being human.
Some of the things we do as humans makes me want to roll my eyes so far back that I accidentally swallow them. Some of the things we do are so bad that I don’t even wanna get caught up identifying as human. I am ashamed of us, of myself. Ashamed of my humanity. And also in love with it at the same time.
Two opposing truths can exist simultaneously.
Maybe this will turn out to be a pointless post. I am tired. Does anyone else feel tired?
I sometimes hate that I come here to share my woes. The world doesn’t need any more complainers. But this is my space where you can see all the other sides of me. Not the polished, not the pretty. Not the one who has figured it out.
So as it turns out I live in a body.
It’s 5’2 and female which means that in the grand scheme of things I am as significant as a bacteria.
I am sitting in a coffee shop because I wanted to get out of my house and “try something different.”
Rather than go about business as usual working from home, I thought I’d take myself out and work from a coffee shop. Maybe it’d make my life more interesting. Maybe I’d bump into my soul mate. Or meet a fling. Or get actual work done. Only a little work was done, if you could call it work anyway.
I could share with you a thousand and one of my latest thoughts… but where do I start?
I suppose we’ll start with the usual repertoire: what should we make of this life? What actually matters?
After the recent fires in my California state, another turn of the year, another wrinkle on my foreheard, the deaths of loved ones and the hurried passage of time I feel this sense of pressure to carpe diem. What am I really waiting for? But what does carpe diem even mean? How do I want to carpe my diem?
I’m starting by buying my time back. I want nothing to do with borrowing money from banks — they can suck it. I want nothing to do with their sneaky little system that gets us allured into spending and entrapped by their interest and enslaved to their game. So that’s one.
Health is a top priority. Since this body is my first home. I don’t want to be uncomfortable in my home. I sometimes feel awkward and judge myself a lot. This has got to go. So I’ll have to practice. Practice being myself and caring less about what people are thinking. Why do random strangers matter anyway? Why am I so concerned with their judgement and thought?
I am an amalgam ~ I feel like a combination of all I’ve been exposed to: which is quite a fair amount. This makes it hard for me to know who I really am.
I want to see more of the world. So rather than pay a fortune to live in California I’m planning to take off and live for less elsewhere.
I am less attached to stuff because it all just comes and goes. You buy shoes, they get old. You get furniture and it scratches. And in the end you and die and take nothing with you. So I’m less attached to accumulating a bunch of stuff and more interested in accumulating more experiences.
The other day I was at a hot yoga class after a boring typical day. That yoga class was the most interesting and stimulating activity of my day. It made me feel a sense of aliveness. In that moment I had the thought “Experiences. This is what I’m after.”
I said I am not attached to stuff, but lately I have become more interested in antiques. When I am finally ready to settle my ass I would like to have great antiques in my home. Real wood. Spectacular carvings. A beautiful book shelf. A magnificent desk.
What else can I tell you? I feel for the world. For the struggles that befall us. I wish we were more awake and aware so less of our energy was allocated to shit that doesn’t actually matter. We need more critical thinkers, action takers and STRONG humans. OMG this is a big topic for me. I literally cannot stand this soft society we have brewing. IF I SEE ANOTHER SOFT, FEMININE MAN I AM GOING TO LOSE IT. I cannot DEAL with this sensitive culture. I am pretty much a Red Forman from that 70s show in a tiny female body and just want to put my foot in every soft man’s ass until they straighten out and toughen up, buttercup.
I cannot stand an overly soft mind. Don’t be weak. Don’t be so sensitive. BE TOUGH. Where are all the tough people for the love of God?
If I was a cop in San Diego, there would literally be no homeless people sleeping in a corner because I would NOT STAND IT or ALLOW IT. I am a Natzi when it comes to order and respect. When we are too loose with our morals and standards we just end up with a mess and a bunch of soft people who can’t handle a pinch of stress without falling apart. It’s annoying. Now I’m just venting.
I didn’t plan for this to be so long or for it to be about any of this. But here we are. Here we are.
Why reality gotta come and smack me in my face?
I’ve been here, dreaming
Thinking about the magic
Waiting for when the big “surprise” happens. The moment the angels come out from behind the curtains with our loving, hilarious, beautiful God who greets us with all the abundance, love, joy, connection and “joke’s on you” realization. We all melt into peace. We all melt into ecstasy. Into perfect embrace.
But then in busts Reality- cynical, unshaven, holding a ciggarette: “It’s bullshit. It’s all bullshit, kid. There ain’t no magic and it don’t mean shit.”
—
The other day I was sitting at a table having lunch with some people. A woman shared about the children she teaches who believe in Santa Claus. It made me think of all the stuff we’re told when we are little — when we don’t know any better. We watched the Disney movies. We were told about love. We were told about a prince and talking animals.
Then we grow older. We’re told about jobs, money, and “no”. We’re told to sit up straight. Pay attention. Be proper. Chew with your mouth closed.
Then we’re told it’s all a lie – there is no Santa, no tooth fairy, no prince. Reality. It smacks you in the face and blows a cloud of cancer stick smoke into your eyes.
I’m kinda pissed. What am I to believe in at this point?
Yet despite the fact of the matter I cannot help but wonder… is there still magic?
If you figure out how it all works does it stop being magic?
If you can create it and re-create it does it stop being mysterious?
But what even is IT?
I know we give names to what is observable. We’ve learned to identify what we see and feel. We’ve learned how it operates. We’ve learned to manipulate what is so it yields predictable results. But have we actually understood IT itself?
What IS IT?
Idk. I don’t want to get too philosophical today. I think I just wanted to complain just a little.
What would ever be enough?
What would need to come to be in order for us to just be okay? What’s all this doing about anyway? What are we trying to get at?
SIGH.
I gotta believe. I choose to keep having faith.
Will I ever be the woman I thought I’d be?
Sometimes I can see her. She’s healthy, light, her skin is glowing. You can tell she’s well. You can tell she’s content. She’s confident. She knows what she’s doing. She trusts. She’s kind. She’ll invite you over for charcuterie and wine. Her home has the most beautiful wooden table made from a thick wood to remind her of the forest. There will be little mementos from all the worldly adventures she’s had displayed on the walls, the shelves, the tv stand. Her bookshelves will be filled with the names and books of those who’ve inspired her most. She’ll want to show you her garden. She’ll want to ask you what you’re most excited to create. She’ll ask you what have you found to be the meaning of life. What do you think we’re all doing here and why?
This week I went to see the Horseshoe Bend in Arizona. It’s been on my bucket list. The first thought I had when I saw it is “There’s no way we’re not in a virtual reality.”
Lately I’ve been questioning the nature of reality more often.
I’ve also been thinking of the passage of time. How I truly won’t be here forever. Am I really living? What actually matters?
And will I ever be everything I ever thought I’d be?
I’ve been exploring this feeling of boredom. It’s a feeling I get from time to time when I crave more excitement, more stimulation. I want to be in multiple places at once. I wish I could both be responsible and wildly carefree. I wish I could be dancing in a crowd but also quietly writing a book.
Sometimes I feel like I am stuck because I’ve fallen into the same old patterns – the same routines.
Life becomes predictable.
I like the predictable. It feels safe and safe feels good.
But then I also get bored. I wish for spontaneity. I want to do something out of the norm. Something that makes me feel euphoric. Alive.
I’m in a relationship but sometimes I wish I were single. Able to just go out into the night to get myself into whatever adventurous shenanigans the moment may have to offer.
Then I think about the comfort of a companion. The nice feeling of having “accomplishments.” Healthy habits. Saving for retirement. Thinking about the bigger picture, my desire to help society.
Can I have it all?
Sometimes I just wanna fade. Melt into the ether. Lay on top of a jeep on a REI mattress waving my hand in the air underneath the stars in the deserts of California on a perfectly warm night. It would be nice if you were there. It would be nice to hear your philosophies. Do you think God is watching us? Do you think aliens exist? Do you think there is life beyond this?
I’d like to go to Burning Man some day.
I’d like to explore more of my freedom. More of myself. More of who I am. More of who you are.
I find humans to be curious creatures. We are so silly sometimes.
I am a ball of emotions. Sadness, joy, anger, fear, peace, rage, boredom. All the things…
What a wild ride. What an experience. What a life. What a world. Just wow. Contemplating it all blows me away every time. It reminds me not to become apathetic, even though I’ve had moments of that too.
I don’t want to lose sight of the magic.
I don’t want to lose sight of hope.
I don’t want to lose sight of love, beauty, faith, joy, all that’s good.
May we be the best humans we can be and may we co-create a good world we are happy to wake up to. Just one big ol’ party. What more epic thing to make of this experience? One big fun, adventurous party!!
Is the grass greener where you water it? Or is the other side really gonna be better?
I feel like I’ve gone in a big circle
Only to arrive at the same place, almost empty handed
From here it feels like I can still go anywhere
But where to now?
What do I really want?
What actually matters?
Who am I?
Who do I want to be?
What do I want to do?
I don’t know if I want to settle here, or break everything down to go elsewhere.
Perhaps travel and just go where my soul desires.
Should I chase more experiences?
Or stay focused and build solid assets I could rely on in the future?
A mixture of both?
Do I go live in a car for a couple of months and just explore around?
Do I go to Bali and just figure it out from there? Get a yoga certification? Do a silent retreat and heal all my wounds?
Or do I stay put and become more of a power player? Generate more cash, get some land/real estate and settle down for a bit before traveling on?
Do I stop being reasonable and have wild experiences? Just call you at 7 P.M to come over and sneak into your bedroom?
Do I stay a good girl — stop fantasizing about nonsense and just be in one relationship, get married, get the house, get the car and just live a wholesome life with a maxed out ROTH IRA, contributing to the 401k, some stocks and the real estate investment increasing in value?
Do I break up with my partner and then just go on a wild soul search, spend time alone, finally write a book, cry alone every evening and put all my energy into growing a YouTube channel?
Do I release all control and let life surprise me?
Do I let a little more time pass before I make any decisions?
Do I try to do a little bit of everything without making too many extreme choices?
I dunno….
What is it all for anyway?
What’s the point anyway?
What matters anyway?
Is the way we feel more important than the stuff we gain?
Or is being actualized in BOTH feeling and external reality the TRUE crème de la crème?
I gotta be honest with you, I want both.
I want to feel fulfilled internally and externally. Right now I feel like I am half full. I still have some way to go.
Some say I should just be happy with the journey. “The journey is the prize” is what I heard today.
And man, that resonated. THIS moment is all we ever have. We gotta find the joy in the present. Not in some future.
BUT I FUCKING KNOW THERE IS SOMETHING MORE AND HIGHER HERE FOR ME
I keep searching and yearning for it
and then judging myself for not “enjoying the journey” because I want to get THERE so bad
but perhaps the real pain is in judging myself for wanting — I can WANT and let it be that my present is indulging in the feeling desire
There is something quite titillating about being in desire – being in wanting — but not in the sense of lack (because when we are lacking, it doesn’t feel good: ie. lacking food/lacking resources)
I’m talking about the type of desire that is on the upper floor of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs.
Anyway, I’m digressing.
What am I even saying?
Gosh, I deeeeeply desire to transcend my current playing field. I want to be vibrating at a higher frequency. I want to feel greater heights of pleasure. Joy. Beauty. Abundance. Peace. Support. Connection. Love. And from this FULL ASS FUCKING CUP, I want to give back to everything I could touch.
But how do I get there?
I don’t know. I’m still on the journey to find out.
——–
Today I met with a special someone. Someone with beautiful eyes and a sweet soul.
For a second I had this sense of what it would look like to achieve the goal. To achieve the things I’m after and for it all to materialize and actualize. And it felt both beautiful and also like “aw, it’s the end of the book.” The end of the story.
You ever get to the end of a movie/book/show and you’re both amazed but also kinda sad that now it’s over? Yeah. That’s what it felt like.
So now I’m on this vibe that I should enjoy the journey more and be less focused on the destination.
But, I don’t know what to prioritize at the moment — you know?
What actually does matter?
Sigh.
Will you give me a clue?
Damn, this was a long one. If you’re still here — you’re the real MVP. You are the one I have dreamed of writing for. Thank you.
Cheers to our biggest, boldest, wildest, most beautiful, exhilarating life!
Being human is such a wild ride
That’s all I have for today…
Jk.
I’d also like to add that I am FEELING so much and that I’m praying for a breakthrough.
Who am I? What am I doing? What is it all for?
JUST TELL ME THE ANSWERS.
I’m tired of so many aspects of our world as we have it.
I’m tired of myself too.
Of my insecurities, fear, uncertainty, indecision and dense energy.
I’m also tired of my complaining. It’s so annoying.
Living with yourself when you’re annoying af is annoying af.
What else?
I’m trying to see the picture and get the point.
They say “Trust the process”. They say “Just be patient.”
It’s so tough to pour your heart into something and see no return.
It’s like I’m being tested. It’s like I’m delusional.
What are we doing?
The more I learn the more I’m shocked at how unconscious we are. The more you see the more light shines through and it all starts making sense.
The dots connect.
Ugh.
I don’t even wanna share this.
I was also ashamed about the last post I created here.
But this was meant to be a place for my unfiltered thoughts for you to see. And now I’m justifying.
I wanted to tell you about my anger too.
But also, about love, hope and trust.
But I’m tired now so I’ll leave you with this…
I think there’s power in our thoughts.
There’s power in our energy
and I’m having a hard time calibrating mine. I don’t know who I am and what I want, or what the whole point even is. And why does it have to be so dramatic and intense for me? Why do I burden myself with needing to figure out this mystery of life?
To be continued.
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