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Reflections

Ramblings…

“Experience life in all possible ways —
good-bad, bitter-sweet, dark-light,
summer-winter. Experience all the dualities.
Don’t be afraid of experience, because
the more experience you have, the more
mature you become.”
― Osho

Ramblings

What’s there to talk about? The same old thing, the same old stories.
It’s not really “old” though when I really think about it. Every moment is so unique, decorated in its own way, in its own flavor.

I feel like I am going in circles. Chasing something I can’t even describe.
There is this empty feeling I can’t seem to fill.
It isn’t always there, but it’s there, nonetheless.

I want to be happy. Don’t we all? But there are moments where I’m simply not.
Maybe I am ungrateful. And truth is, at times I really am.
I am over trying to cover up the dark side of my self.
Yes. I lie. I cheat. I envy. I hate. I get jealous. I have negative thoughts.
But that’s not all of who I am.
There’s that childish, innocent side. The side that dreams of love, rainbows and peace.
The side that sees no wrong.

There’s also the in between side. Which is a little of everything. That’s who I really am. All of me.

What’s the point of all this I keep asking myself?
What should I live for?
Do I live to chase money so I can buy houses and cars and clothes that leave an impression on people? Regardless of what I do I’ll leave an impression.
What kind of impression do I want to leave? And do I want to impress you or me or a balance of both?
What kind of person do I want to become? What kind of feelings and experiences do I want to be having? How do I even begin to learn what is truly important to me and how not to live to impress others?

I have a hard time answering these questions because I have a long list of “shoulds” implanted in my brain.

According to whose “shoulds” should I live?

I allow too many people to take space in my head and influence my decisions. I feed energy to too many stories.

I also change a lot which makes it hard to even decide on any one thing.
So I am trying to boil it down to experiences and feelings rather than particular details.

Here’s a list:
I want to experience and feel:
Happiness
Pleasure
Peace
Contentment
Confidence
Trust
Fulfillment
Relax
Laughter
Love
Kindness
Belonging
Creativity

Here are some experiences and feelings I want less of:
Fear
Anxiety
Doom
Panic
Hate
Envy
Pity
Lack
Depression
Loneliness
Rush
Confusion

There’s probably a few more I can add to both the lists but this seems enough for starters.

So now that I’ve narrowed what I want to experience and feel more of… how am I going to go about my life to embrace more of those wants?

Good question.

*image credit to google images

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Aware

I am aware of myself. I am aware of being aware.

I question the motivations behind my actions. When I’m not satisfied with an insight I look deeper into myself to challange my thoughts. I don’t like it when I realize that I am doing things for selfish reasons. Like wearing a sexy outfit to get attention. Then I ask, “What’s wrong with a little attention? Isn’t life supposed to be fun?”

“Is that your idea of “fun”? Being all sexy for attention!?” Says my conscience in a condemning tone.

“Well… Yeah… It’s kinda fun. Looking all spicy and all.”

“Shame on you.”

“Shame on YOU for thinking ‘shame on you’ for something so natural. Do not the peacocks flaunt their feathers?”

 

I can back and forth with similar dialogues in my own mind for hours. An entire drama in my head. I guess  that’s one  way to save money on theatre.

 

 

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Patience

Every time the universe gently whispers the word “patience” to me, like a frantic child I hold my fingers tightly to my ears and violently yell, “NO! I want it NOW!”

ME:

I ask questions like, “When? When will I finally be where I wanna be? Have what I wanna have? Do what I wanna do?”
“Nonsense!” Says the universe in a playful, loving manner.
“Whoever told you that life is comprised of one single instant where you finally reach some end? That’s not life. There will always be something to get, do and be, since at every moment at the same time you are becoming you are undoing. The moment you are born you are dying; evermore unraveling. You are a process of being, becoming, breaking down, reconstructing, transforming. Relax. Be here now. Enjoy here as you go from instant to instant. Carry the enoughness from the present moment into the next moment and you will unravel gracefully without feeling like NOW isn’t enough as it is. Even if you get everything you want in one moment, the next moment there will be something new to experience. You make your bed and marvel at the neatness. Soon, you undo it to sleep, and repeat the next day. You wipe an army of dust from your work desk. Soon, the dust is right back and you must wipe it again. There’s no end to the process. There is no permanent state of perfection, except in stillness, because life equals movement, and movement equals chaos if not for intelligence. Chaos relies on intelligence to organize and maintain it. You are part of that intelligence. If things become too hectic, your consciousness can flow in and out of stillness as you please. This, in part, is why you sleep. Take it easy on yourself. Breath! Aaaahhhhh – you smell that? That’s life, baby! Enjoy it. Be it. Stop freaking out and going all cray cray trying to be more, have more, do more all at once. Do what you can for right now. Be what you are for right now. Have what you have for right now. Together, we’ll deal with what’s next as it comes. Everything will work out – I promise. Trust, act as necessary, and have PATIENCE!”
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Compilation of Small Reflections

And then you realize that things don’t always go the way you wish they would. And you learn that even though you want rainbows in your sky there seems to always be a storm to cloud your sunny day.

Some people overwhelm me.
Some people drain me.
Some people make me feel good.
Some people inspire me.
Some people annoy me.
That’s life.  If everyone made me feel the same, I wouldn’t ever learn anything different.

There is no need to argue the truth – the truth speaks for itself.

I am not the same person who started writing this…A second has passed, I am now a second greater.

All things have a breaking point.
So, in a sense, That means all things have some sort of vulnerability since nothing can withstand everything.

Nothing in this world of forms is forever. Even the thing you think is most guaranteed – like the light of the sun – one day will no longer be.
Place your hope not in what your eyes could see and your hands could touch. Place your hope in the eternal. That is where your treasure is.

Your viewpoint is valid.

Don’t want to go anywhere or do anything or be anything…. I hate living today. Why do I exist when I never asked to.

You are who you are and don’t have to apologize for it. You don’t have to feel guilty for feeling how you feel.

It doesn’t have to be one reason, it could be many reasons that all make up the ultimate reason.
Like a pie chart. One chart, many components.

I don’t know how I am supposed to know what I want to do when every day I feel different and want something different.  I am not the same every day, so how can I say what I want tomorrow when I can only know what I want today? I don’t know what I’ll want tomorrow.

It is Fear’s job to protect you of life’s dangers, so it’s only natural to feel afraid. Fear becomes a problem when your life is guided by it, keeping you stuck and blocking your intuitive heart. Find your balance. Feel when to go and when to stay.

Let me show you how beautiful you really are. Let me show you how perfect you are.
But I need you to trust me.
Give me your hand.
Don’t be afraid.

It’s the magic that happens when we look in each other’s eyes. It’s the feeling of forgetting the world because we are all that matter. It’s that childlike curiosity and the tingly feeling in your stomach. It’s that magnetic force that pulls us back together when it’s been too long.
And sometimes it’s the daunting fear that I will never see you again. But it’s always the hope that when I open my eyes, you will be standing right there again.

Life is a jungle and you were selected to explore it. Even with all the people around you, you’re the one who must ultimately walk your path.

You don’t want to hold on too tight to things. It’s all going to go, go, go. Sooner or later it’ll all go, go, go.

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